Sunday, February 28, 2010


yesterday, i had a photo shoot and i am so proud of myself! i did 4 models, 2 looks each + 2 stylists. 10 looks in 3 hours...which is amazing because usually, when i take my time...i take 45 minutes on one face.

and...i got paid! :)

hallelujah! lol

when i got home, i was exhausted so i fell asleep for about 4 hours. i had a late night client come over because she was going to a black tie affair that started at 11. she came over at 9...she looked amazing.

i cleaned my brushes and was tinkering on the computer when i started talking to carter.
we cleared the air in a funny way. i was telling him that people say most aquarians are cold.
he said i am cold because of the way i was so cut and dry about us not being able to date.
blah blah blah
by the end of the conversation, i apologized for not sugar-coating what i said. it was late and i needed to try and get some sleep.

at 2am, i was tossing and turning and i kept having sex daydreams about carter. they were so intense.

i called him. his children were over his house which killed the mood. they kept asking "Is that our mommy you're on the phone with?" until he put me on speaker phone and they knew I wasn't her.

i wanted pillow talk but somehow we got into teen pregnancy. weird.

lust is a very powerful emotion. extremely powerful.
so powerful that i was looking up plane tickets to get to him. where he's at, you literally need a car to get to. the closest airport takes your 45 mins away from him and umm, of course...taxis...HA! i was looking up that ish at 3am!

woke up late for service today but I'm glad I went.
today in pastor has been teaching a series about love.

today's sermon was "Love is Commitment"
he was talking about truly being committed to God and how God is in turn committed to us because He promises us certain things throughout His Word.

I have never felt more convicted in seeing that what i was doing is wrong.

He said.....
"How many of us know that what we're walking into is wrong but we're not breaking our stride? We just keep doing our mess even though God is trying to talk to us to compell us not to do it anymore?"

Was he not in my bedroom last night??
it's like seeing a sign on a beach that says there's a shark in there and still going for a swim anyway, assuming that you won't be eaten.
i need to snap out of it.
the only only only thing i want from carter is his body. really, if i wanted sex, i could go down the, why am i going through the motions and the Emotions???

how i ended up looking up flights is because carter was going through how difficult it would be to get to nyc. he went in on all aspects - childcare, money, being with his parents, etc.
so...i was would be less difficult for me to go to him.

but, why spend money on a plane ticket (cheapest is $254) on a booty call? i doubt the penis is that good!

it's like...i've progressed to where men who are right in front of me offer me sex all the time and i shut them down but men who are hundreds of miles away are irresistible. it is a constant struggle. the dumbest part is that carter told me he can't commit, being as the ink on his divorce papers are still wet. i want a relationship, so again, why am i pursuing this man?


this time, i'm not going to announce it to carter...i'm just going to back off and let things go its course.

men are so good at disappearing...i'm going to try and do the same.


Young woman on a journey said...

perhaps there's a reason you can resist people in front of your face and not this man who is far away.

1) you may think you are ready for a relationship, but you aren't really because of all the other things you are trying to focus on at this time in life. so its safer for you to explore a connectioin with someone who is far away than it is to give a chance to someone close by with whom something could actually develop.

2)While you say you only want carter for his body, perhaps this is a test of your will. sure you can turn people down when they are only offering you something physical. but can you stay as true to yourself when you are faced with someone that you've actually forged an emotional conneciton with?

3) you just haven't had none in a while. and its a good thing that you aren't going over there, cause i can pretty much bet it won't live up to the hype. that's the thing about sex with new people, particularly when you aren't getting the other things you want out of it (commitment, a future).

I often find it best to not actually verbally say to people if i'm going to stop talkign to them or this that and the other. why? well, if you look at the situation now, even if you tell him how you feel this way, you haven't given indication that it will stop you from coming back to vchat with him all night when you are bored in a couple of weeks. i agree wiht your last point, its kinda just best to do.

Young woman on a journey said...

i realize i contradicted myself from my response to your previous post. its not cause i don't now think you did the right thing in letting him know that nothing would happen, its just that i think its best to follow through on statements, with no backtracking, os the person doesn't take advantage of you. i say this cuase i have a backtracking issue myself. lol. go figure!

belle said...

Hi Nina, been reading your blog for a little while now.

From my experience, if a man really wants to see you, he will find a way. Please allow him to prove himself.