Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I've re-written this post several times because the others seemed so serious. I just need to say what I have to say and however it comes out is how it comes out. Don't judge me!

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The rain beats itself against my window as I lay in my bed in the dark. The heavy sheets, my protection against the cold. I wish life had a safety blanket. For some, it does...the hard taste of alcohol or the wild heat of sex. We all have our coping mechanisms. What's mine?

God?

No offense to the Big Guy, but these days, I'm looking for something a bit more...tangible.

More than ever, I'm wishing for a beach. I miss the Sun on my face. I feel...as though I am missing something. I ask God if I am slipping into depression. I've been here before. My apartment is a mess. My mother would shame me if she surprised me with a visit.

I'm starting to feel less and less of a connection to the people around me.

I have a business to run. I have projects, deadlines...I don't really care.

I feel like a shell of myself. People tell me about their problems and I listen and I give out inspiration. That is who I am. Most of the time, they neither ask nor care about how I am. Everyone wants something from me it feels like.

I have nothing.

Sometimes, it's not their fault, really. I'm like a clam. My feelings are my pearls. I open up when the time is right.

I am the Master Manipulator...my bubbly demeanor masking my issues. It's in my eyes.

I feel like I am a mess. People don't see it. Am I that good at faking it?

In 2006, BFF was failing school, her relationship was falling apart. She maxed out a credit card and went to Atlanta. I don't have that luxury. If I did, I'd go to Bermuda - to St. John Smith's Bay - my favorite beach. It has pink sand and a cave. I would live on the beach.

My passport expired so the next best thing would be South Beach, Miami. It smelled so divine! I was so relaxed there. It was so dangerous because I wasn't on alert like how I am here. I never looked over my shoulder, never blinked twice about being on the beach at midnight not being able to see in front of me. I just remember my sun tan lotion and the blue beach umbrella. Heaven.

It is impossible to be sad at the beach.

Who can I be vulnerable with enough to tell them how I feel and trust they will really care?
No one.

I guess I have to shake it off soon. I don't want rodents and my assistant (who's had since Friday off) will be in on Thursday. Plus, really...I have to have a damn good explanation for needing to borrow $400 for a plane ticket to paradise.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

4 comments:

jaded said...

Sometimes you have to reach out for help. Ask people to be the ear you need.

I'm like you in that I don't like to let on how I feel. I like to pretend everything is wonderful, that I can get through it all. That everyones feelings and situations are more urgent than mine.

When I started therapy, one of the things that I learned was I do this for primarily three reasons:
(1) In my view, people have shown me that they cant be counted on. Ever. It's like show me once your a flake and your a flake forever. No bad days allowed. It's very rigid, but it's a very effective coping mechanism. You can't disappoint me if I don't let you.

(2) I WANT people to think I have it together. It's important to me that people think highly of me. It's important that people "look" up to me. I'll talk about past failures (for connection) but NEVER how I am currently feeling. Letting people see me in a vulnerable state fucks with my pysche.

It was so hard letting certain people in (one or two). And even know I struggle with it. But when I am going through a difficult time, and I share, I ALWAYS feel better. And I'm always amazed, like: wow, this sharing shit works.

You write realy well when you're depressed. (thats probably an inappropriate statement but it was the first thing that came to mind).

Jaded said...

Opps! Not three, two. I'm dumb like that sometimes.

Jaded said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Young woman on a journey said...

I'm with Jaded on this Nina.

Please let people be there for you too, instead of assuming that they won't.

Next time a friend asks if you are okay, or how are you doing, don't be afraid to let it out. if you can't tell your friends how you feel, who can you tell?

there are many of us who care about you and who WILL listen to you bitch and moan, even if in the end we can't do anything for you. how many times have i just told you how i felt? and even if you said nothing in return, it felt good to not have to hold it together for one more person.

you should do the same to others. you are a sounding board, and every sounding board needs another one. i know bff can make you think that no one will be there to listen, but there ARE those of us who WILL listen whenever you need us to.

and you don't need to keep it together for everyone. shit, do we look like we have it together? then why be afraid to be counted among us?