boo. hiss. boo.

Part of me doesn't want to talk about what I'm thinking/feeling right now but what else is new?

Half.com is the beez knees. I was shopping around for all 5/6 seasons of House on DVD. I LOVE THAT SHOW! Its so witty and smart and interesting.
Anywhosies, I bought the 1st season from Target on sale for $12 during Black Friday. Regular price is $45. I got season 2 from half.com for $10 including shipping. Sweet deal. The discs aren't in the case, they're wrapped in plastic but I inspected them and I didn't see any scratches on them and its the actual official DVD's. Anywho, I saw the envelope downstairs and I was opening it as I saw my mom and asked her a question. She was like, "Oh yea, I saw that for you. What is it?" I tell her and she's frowns. I say, "What?"

"House comes on TV."
"I bought it online for like 5 bucks...it was nothing."
She frowns.
"I can't spend $5 on a DVD of my favorite TV show?"
"No, you can't. Not when..."

I just walked away. She's really bugging. Especially when she just got 4 pairs of shoes in the mail with a closet full of shoes she doesn't wear...complaining about ends not meeting.

Whatever whatever...I mosey on over to Facebook to look at the profile pics that changed. 2 caught my eye...Mike Z - a guy I've had a crush on since junior year and Brother Wise. I could never step to Mike Z. I don't know why so I just gaze at him from afar. And...Brother Wise had a picture of him and his 2 brothers - clones of each other. CRAZY. I look further on his page and he commented on a friend's status. The friend said, "why do girls say they want a good man doesnt cheat or hit them then when one comes along they do that one wrong dont get women never will"

Wise commented saying, "That's because women are insane psychotic delusional liars. You ain't know? Smh"

Say what?!

I KNOW I shouldn't have taken it personally. Wise is going through some thangs with his baby's mother...BUT DAMN! It just took me back to a previous conversation with him when I told him flat out - I love you. We could be great together. He told me he felt as though women like the idea of him (eccentric afrocentric intelligent artist) more than to actually be with him and I broke down who I thought he was and was pretty in line with who he is...he then said, "I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to even try."

He then went to a party, took a girl home and got her pregnant and now he's dealing with a crazy chick whom he probably had no intentions of seeing the next day. (If memory serves me correctly)

I saw that bullshit and I'm like...
You will be fucking alone you dick! Not because women are crazy but because YOU are crazy. You don't feel like you deserve love.You had a great girl (*ahem* ME)and you CHOSE to be alone. And that situation thart has you all jaded about women..ummm could've avoided it by umm...wearing a *bleeping* condom!

Jerk.

Dreams

I've been having a lot of dreams lately about BFF's baby. I guess I'm kind of worried about them because mom and dad are nutso!

A few days ago, I dreamt that BFF died in childbirth and Punjabi took the baby to live with and be raised by his ex live-in gf. Omg! Throughout the dream, I was the only one struggling to make sure the baby knew who BFF was. I was stalking and threatening him. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep.

it was particularly disturbing because thats what happened to me. My bio-mom died when I was 3. My dad married my mom a few months later and all of bio-mom's friends and family disappeared. No one I could track down would even tell me about her. It was like she never existed. Im still hurt about that and God-forbid that to ever happen to me or any of my friends.

The dream last night was that me and BFF were talking in the rain about her telling her ex-husband that she was pregnant. In the dream I was telling her about another dream I had where I saw the baby's face and it looked just like her. As I was telling her this, someone was walking a shih tzu that had long hair they'd braided and put beads on the end so that it looked like Rick James. It looked very time-consuming yet totally awesome. 

What Are You Living For? + Kate Chopin

I arbitrarily ask questions or make statements via text to my close friends. You may get a random hello or a message that says I want tacos or whatever comes to mind. Because I am awesome and quirky. Lol

Today, I texted my friend BP what does he live for? He's a dope a rapper and I kind of expected him to say music. Instead, he didn't answer. Hmmm...

Its the question I'm struggling with too. I know the Jesus Freak in me should say something like...living to live again in eternity with our Lord but umm...not quite. I don't even know if I want to do makeup anymore. Just a year ago, it was the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing at night. I have a few bridal contracts I have to sign but I really kind of don't want to do it. I hardly want to do my own makeup. SHOCKING!

I need to figure this ish out. And fast! Having no money is not fun.

On a lighter note...I wait for my 2nd run at celibacy to think I'm having a sexual awakening. Part of me wants to take on a lover. I have fantasies in my head that I really want to act on while the other (more religious and sane) side says that those things should be saved for marriage.

Then I think...what if my husband gets in a freak accident and is paralyzed from the waist down and can't have sex. What then? No one should go into a marriage for sex.

And then I think,  yes...if I wanted to, I could sleep with someone tonight. Would it be good? Maybe. What I want is to be comfortable with my next partner I want to blow his mind and him to blow mine. That comes with trust and you generally don't have trust in a one night only deal.

I'm rambling.

Anyways...I am not certain celibacy is healthy. My friend is a minister in training and he's been with his girlfriend for 3 years and they have been celibate. 25 year old man, celibate for 3 years. His girlfriend is not sure if they will be able to break out of it if they get married. She's not sure he finds her attractive. There's a lot of mental anguish.

Most people believe in God until he butts into their wallets and bedroom so who knows...

Rambling again.

I want to punch girls in the face that look at me too hard. Its like...why do you have to grill me because of whatever reason you're grilling me for...but that could just be my period talking. Lol

Nothing else on my mind. Later gators.

Random

We approached as he exited the porn shop complete with peep show booths, a visible look of embarrassment on his face.

"You are so pretty," he said to me, the only girl in the group consisting of 3 other gay men.

"Thank you," I said pulling out my phone to tweet, text or blast off to the moon-  literally anything to avoild further communication between us. He didn't take the hint.

"I mean...damn! You're like really pretty," he began seeming to be completely miiffed. "Do you have to wear that much makeup? Its not like its a ball. You ain't gotta look so good. Its just Thursday night girl, come on!"

My enterage giggled. J stepped to my aid, standing closer to me just in case. We parted ways.

"Damn Ni, you really upset him with your face."

"It happens," I said as blythe as I could be. I pouted my Barbie pink lips and squinted my cat eyes. "This is my face. Deal with it."

They all laughed.

"Yeeeeeesssss Nina bitch!"

Yes indeed.

I Should be Dancing

The sky was overcast and the air balmy as I walked to the train station. Adele's "Lovesong" on my ipod, my chocolate-painted lips moved along as she sang "No matter how far away...I will always love you."

I saw him walking towards me. His skin a smooth shiny Hershey bar. His full lips parted to reveal the same perfect white smile I remembered.

"Blair," I smiled back, "long time..."
He'd moved across town. I'd noticed and missed him.

It was a brief encounter yet it had soured my mood.  Maybe it was a reminder of what I've been missing.

I walked into the train station and noticed a guy that tried talking to me last week when I got Rocky groomed in the first car so I walked down maybe 4 or 5 cars away. As I sat, he came in and waved to me. I waved back but kept my face straight and my head down lost in thought over seeing Blair.

I heard a screeching noise and the guy was cleaning his teeth with his finger. Ewwwwwww. While I'd convinced myself to give him a chance if he asked in that moment whatever fleeting notion I had of doing so had dissipated.
Aggravation has been growing as i was on the train to go to Twin's job to give him money because he doesn't have any for lunch. He makes at least double what I do and it just annoys me that he hasn't been budgeting his money properly.

Whatever...I guess that's what friendship is about.

That's how the story goes....

Weekend Round-Up

I need to stop talking to other dog-owners. They scare the be-jeezus out of you.

Yesterday, my neighbor who has a Pekingese told me I need to really watch out for Rocky while walking him in the neighborhood because our neighbor who had a maltese was walking her last summer - her dog got attacked by a pitbull that was off its chain. The pit took the maltese's head off. My other friend had a Yorkie who was attacked by a pit who latched on to the dog's neck and had lockjaw. The poor dog was thrown around so bad, he died. The same neighbor had another Pek that was attacked by a Rottweiler who took his eye out. And on and on the stories go about cutesy little dogs that get attacked by bigger dogs while being walked.

The one about the dog that got her head taken off gave me nightmares last night. I love Rocky like my child. And then, this morning on our walk, I tied Rocky's leash to the fence outside the store to get a tea and a muffin. I would be in an out in 3 minutes. I was in the store for 2 minutes when a man came in and said, "Miss, your dog is free," and there Rocky was at the door licking the man's shoes. .

This little dog pushed his head through his collar. The man was like, "Yes, I watched him as soon as you tied him up. He was fighting boy!" I thanked him thinking about all the scenarios that could've happened. The Good Samaritan could've just scooped Rocky up without a second thought. Rocky could've run into the street. Another dog could've gotten to him....all these things. I hit Rocky 3 times saying "Bad DOG!" I was so pissed! (and a little embarrassed)

When we got home, I said, "I'm angry with you. Leave me alone." He surely did walk into the other room. 15 minutes later, he tried to smooth things over with a game of fetch. "No, I'm still mad." He went and played by himself. (I don't think he can really understand me. I think dogs can feel energy.)

------------------- BFF called me Saturday afternoon as I was meeting up with her mom and other bestie Toni to do some baby shower shopping. I told her I was on my way to Target and if she wanted to she could come by later. I was frying fish.

The Punjabi mess hasn't been straightened out really. He bought her a car. He's been spending a lot more time with her but she says he's been causing a lot of anxiety because he still hasn't told his mom about her being pregnant and she's worried about how his family will accept her and the baby. She wants to take a break from him. To soothe her melancholy, I told her to come over. We'd watch a movie. I'd feed her. All would be right with the world. Also, Twin was coming over to play with Rocky...he's good at making people laugh.

As me, Twin, Toni and BFF's mom are in the car on the way home. Toni was talking about her dog, Diva nonstop. Then she said, "I'm surprised you got a dog. I thought you didn't like pets. I thought you threw your cat out the window. That's what BFF told me." My face was hot. WHY THE FUCK would BFF tell her that and if she did, WHY would Toni repeat it? I denied it for the sake of her mom and made a mental note to smack BFF when I saw her. I did throw the cat out the window. Afroman and I had just broke up. I found out he left me for his ex and moved upstate to be with her. I had the flu. The cat hated me and only liked Afroman. She was always pooping in the bathtub. I was allergic to her and itchy eyes really just added to the misery I was in. I took it out on her and its not like I live up really high. I live on the 2nd floor. I threw her out in the backyard where it was grassy and she came back the next day.

I got home and started frying up the fish and called BFF to come over. She said she would be on her way. About 15 minutes later, I hear Toni's loud ass mouth. "NINA! NINA!" screaming my name in my hallway not sure which apartment was mine. Not only did she bring her Yorkie, but she also brought Aidan, BFF's cousin. I was even more pissed! BFF was in the car talking to Punjabi. I really hate when people bring others without consulting you to see if its okay first. I was so annoyed. One, because Toni talks non-stop and two, I had a house full of people and wasn't really prepared.

My mom always taught me to always plan for more especially when you're cooking because you never know who will show up for dinner. Thankfully, I had enough for 5 when I only planned for 2. (BFF added at the last minute.) I pulled her to the side when she finally came upstairs. "The least you could've done was text me that you were bringing other people." "I'm sorry. I was busy texting Punjabi." "Whatever." Ohhhhhhhhh. If I could slap a pregnant woman, I would!

My quiet Saturday night was anything but with Toni's dog barking at Rocky anytime he got near her. He's a pup, he wants to play. Finally, Rocky started barking back. Then, Aidan pissed me off with a side remark about Jesus. We were trying to get a wine bottle open. He was like, "Why do we need wine? We could drink water?" I said, "Jesus turned water into wine. Its the next best thing." Toni said, "Amen. Hallelujah. Fill my glass." Aidan gets all serious and says..."Don't believe that shit white people tell you. That story is bullshit." He was about to get worked up when I looked him in the eye and said, "Enough."

Believe what you want but don't disrespect what I believe..especially in my own damn house!Aidan is so weird! This is the same guy that was a Jesus-fanatic last year. Dude is so lost! I cut him some slack. His dad died about a month ago.

The night went on and when the movie went off at 10:30, I politely kicked everyone out. I had enough of Toni's loud mouth, Diva barking, Rocky trying to hump people and playing hostess when I thought it would be just me and 2 close friends.

Aidan said, "Are you really kicking us out?" I just smiled.
I'd been up since 8. 2 hours of dance rehearsal, 3 hours of baby shower shopping, traveling all over Brooklyn, and cooking tallied up to way too many hours on my feet.

Yes. I sure was.

Sunday was uneventful except for the guilt I felt missing church.
Anywhosies...it was a great weekend but I'm still trying to get the fish smell out of my house. I'm about to boil some cinnamon.

Christmas in April

The thing about blogging is that it forces you to face things you do NOT want to think about.

Yesterday, I got up...got Rocky groomed. OMG! He looks like a brand new dog. His hair made him look a lot thicker than he actually is. He is so little and skinny. Its kind of freaking me out. I also feel bad because I used to play with him all rough, throwing him around and such (not far) and now I see how small he really is...I feel bad.

I also got a new phone!! YES! I am now #TeamAndroid. I love it! Its a touch screen with a keyboard. The best of both worlds! AND...I went in thinking I was going to pay about $120, I walked out paying $74. *does running man*

The Android is so different from the Blackberry, I'm really trying to figure out how to work this little thing...I'm so not used to a touch screen. All day yesterday, I was hanging up on people, muting the calls, answering calls on call waiting accidentally without telling the other person to hold...A MESS!!

So, it was a little bit like Christmas.

But, seriously, I was so sick to DEATH of BBM. Some people are cool but others...they are really intrusive with their messages at really any time of the day and then if you don't answer right away, they get pissed off...like, oh, I saw you read my message, why didn't you respond. It was ruining a bunch of friendships.


SO, I go down to get my cart from my mom and a photographer is setting up to take her picture. She's going to be ordained as a minister at the end of the month. The girl who is staying with her, Stef, is doing her makeup. SAY WORD?? I was upset. I'm your daughter. I'm a makeup artist, I thought she would at least ask me. Ok, whatever. Stef does makeup too. I've never seen her work but....ok.

Furthermore, she says..."Can you go spruce yourself up so we can take a picture together?"

I said, "No. I'm on my way to the grocery store."
Seriously, all I had in my fridge was leftover Chinese.


"You've been home all day and now you decide to go to the grocery store?"
Why would you assume where I've been all day?

"All you girls want to do is roam the streets."
So, going to the grocery store at 7pm is roaming the streets. Umm..okay.

As I was leaving, I heard her tell the girl..."Oh we're taking pictures together."

I am so upset because I felt like she could've told me beforehand that the guy was coming to take pictures if she wanted me in them. Who tells someone to go spruce themselves up at the last minute while the photographer is THERE. Part of me feels like if I didn't walk in, I would not have even been offered. AND..we spoke earlier in the day so its really no excuse.

And then you're going to take pictures with this stranger who is living with you for 2 months...professional pictures..really?

Oh, yea and the other day, she was like Stef is your sister. Oh you mean the girl I've known for 2 months...no the hell she's not!