Would you mind mind-fucking me?

I want some good conversation. I miss having those with the opposite
sex. I want to meet a man that stimualtes me from head to toe.
A man that can speak with me for hours on end and can make me feel like
its been minutes.
Feeling kind of lonely. And horny. Masturbated all day and am still
thinking about giving myself a nightcap again.
Even debated about calling ole Afroman over...but thought against that
idea.
Getting back to the post topic.
I hardly see the point in talking to anyone anymore. I feel like there's
nothing that comes out of people's mouths.

Epiphanies

I don't feel like anyone knows me.

I want to get to the point where I am free. Freedom of mind - of
spirit.

I want to be happy.

I want smiles to come from my soul.

Lust

I want to have some hot nasty raw ass fuckin sex.
The type of sex that makes ur toes curl, ur leg shake, your body sweat,
and your pussy throb and ache after.
I want my pussy licked and sucked on.
I want to get pounded.....
*sigh*

TypeA Personality???

i have found that i have a type- a personality.
i.e. "In some psychological theories, the Type A personality, also known as the Type A Behavior Pattern, is a set of characteristics that includes being impatient, excessively time-conscious, insecure about one's status, highly competitive, hostile and aggressive, and incapable of relaxation.[1] Type A individuals are often highly achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about the smallest of delays. Although they may exhibit some or all of these characteristics, it does not mean that people with the type A personality are incapable of showing love, affection or other types non-pessimistic behavior. Many are also capable of "couching" some of these behavior attributes with proper treatment and medication. Those who do not seek treatment have been described as stress junkies, and often display some of the following characteristics:

An intrinsic insecurity or insufficient level of self-esteem, which is considered to be the root cause of the syndrome. This is believed to be covert and therefore less observable.
Time urgency and impatience, which causes irritation and exasperation.
Free floating hostility, which can be triggered even over little incidents.[2]
The Type B personality, in contrast, is patient, relaxed, and easy-going. There is also a Type AB mixed profile for people who cannot be clearly categorized and have a combination of both types of personality."

omg! looking at myself wasn't pretty and now i'm all depressed and shit. snapping at people or maybe it's because i haven't gotten sex in a while. yes, there was yesterday and it did give me what i wanted..
oo lets recap yesterday to take away the pain....
hot gooey wet sexxy time. manhandling and yumm yummy

i need sex. instead of sexxy time.

SexxxyTime

We got it on and poppin
(Kinda)
Right after I wrote the benefit of the doubt post,
I was staring Mr.Phil in the eyes. Daring him to do something.
I was bold. I was fearless.
I was horny.
I was scared.
Somehow, we stood up and he kissed me!
Ooooo weeeeeeeeee those lips!
Big, juicy, soft! Yummy..
Those arms...sexy, strong, yummy! Lol
...
We were sneaking kissses n all day.
But it was harder because there was people around and we're at WORK FOR
FUCK'S SAKE [lol]
Anywho..
He already propositioned me to go into the bathroom and fucking him....I
politely declined.

<WE'RE AT WORK FOR FUCK'S SAKE(WAWFFS!)>

One girl comes in...we send her out for Starbucks.

He grabbed my ass, my tits (tits are breasts when they're being
respectable..this was not a respectable situation)...bit my neck.
He says he loves my lips.

People come in. Surely, we can't send them all to Starbucks.

We send flirtatious messages to each other.

<Work ends.>

We walk down in the staircase.
We walk up the staircase, fearful that someone was coming.

Then......sluttiness ensues....if u have a problem...with that...this is
not for u.....
Abort! Abort!
Ok...with that said.

We kissed. He ripped open my dress...it has buttons going down the
front. And pulled out my tit and was sucking on it like a baby trying to
get milk.
He grabbed at my thighs. He cupped my ass....he was trying to stick his
fingers n my cunt.
(Yes cunt is a dirty word and I loves it!)
Anywho...
I pushed him away....I scratched his back....I kiissed and licked and
nibbled and bit
He kept trying to push my head down..
Me (thinking): "I'm not sucking ur dick"
Mr.Phil pushes my hand down to his crotch...
Me(thinking): "I can do a handjob"
Kiss some more. He pulls hair and scratches me and almost chokes me...
He slips his finger in...ooooo...I'm wetttttt
It sloshes around (lol) and he's entering me.
Feels good.
Yummmmm
My leg is shaking.
Oooo my leg is shaking.

He aggressively asks me to suck his dick.

"Yo..I wanna feels ur lips on my dick."
Mmmmm....he knows what he wants..and is not afraid to ask for it. Sexy
sexy man!

I oblige...he says I'm good.
Me (thinking) Ge Me! Go me!
I hear him say "yea that's right swallow that shit"
Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp
What?!
No!
I don't swallow. Nooo sirrreee
Sure enough it was coming.
I spit it out.
Thinking about his last HIV test.
Thinking about mine.

Me (shouting) ur supposed to warn people.
Him: sorry...he kisses me

Then...he walks me almost all the way home..which includes train and bus
ride.

He won't stop talking....

Oh, didn't I mention? I just want u for sex?
Hmmmmmmm

To be continued....

benefit of the doubt

it's a special thing. to give someone the benefit of doubt. meaning, you really are hoping for the best even though your heart knows its the worst.

mr. phil.
maybe this is more than i can handle.
maybe this is a challenge for me.
i don't know my take on it.

but, for now..he gets the benefit of the doubt from me.
i'm witholding judgement.
i'm holding my peace.

looking at my cards, while the chips are stacked. seeing if he's bluffing.

then i'll take a deep breath and lay my cards on the table.

so, he gets the benefit of the doubt

for now...

dumbassery

So....................
Mr. Phil wants to find a decent girl. And..he's made his quest known. Very known. Yet and still, I'm sitting right across from him like CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE ME! I'M RIGHT FUCKIN HERE!

He's still trolling Black Planet, and myspace - all sorts of things.

FRUSTRATION!

Thursday 13

Once again...thursday has passed and I'm posting this
late....oopsidasies!
I thought abt it all day yesterday, I swear!

Here we go now.....
1. I'm moving into my new apartment in a month. Part of me is petrified.
The other part is really excited. The only part people know about is the
excited part.

2. Number 1 is the reason why I haven't irrationally quit my job yet.

3. I want my ex to want me even though I don't want him

4. Number 3 is the bitchiest yet most honest thing I said all day.

5. I get more play in a gay club that a straight one.

6. None of my gay friends can explain Number 5 to me logically. It all
boils down to both of us liking men...which is a problem.

7. Summer is like a natural aphrodisiac and birth control. Your naked
because its so hot but you don't want to have sex because its so hot

8. Number 7 is half true now that I think about it.

9. If you're suffering from a fashion faux paus and you open your mouth
and an accent comes out: any accent at all...you're instantly forgiven.
Case and point...the 2 black women that were on the train. One was tall
yet wore clunky 3 inch heels...no! No! No! If you're over 5'6...do not
wear clunky wedges...it makes you look clumsy and if you're thin...it
makes you look like a drag queen. The other was chunky like me...in blue
and white stripes..with a Bright blue bra (!!!), equally clunky (and
ugly) cheap looking espadrilles and a bad pedicure. But both of them
opened their mouths and spoke with the most brilliant British accent.
Brilliant!!
It excused everything I said before hand...great!

10. Afroman used to say from time to time that it was deep how I could
be so shallow. Number 9 is staying and I don't czare! My blog, bitches!
Hehehe

11. I hate that men stare at me.

12. Number 11 should say I hate that men stare because its always the
fugly divorced 50 year old nasty mid-life crisis crusty looking mofo's
who stare.

13. So what Number 10...we all are visual in some aspect. If you say
you're not, you're lying and no one likes a liar.

Hmmmmmmmmmm

I know I'm a bitch..I'm an anal...analytical perfectionist turned
brat...but there are some things that make you go hmmmm.

Mr. Phil and BarbieBigGirl (BBG) are "good friends." She has a
boyfriend....but she just got back with him. Mr.Phil was celibate for a
while and he said he got back in the game by smoking weed with a mystery
woman and he ended up sleeping with her. She said that they've smoked
together. What r the chances there r 2 different women who smoke with
him. I'm thinking to myself.............nooooooooooooo! Please don't
tell me you had sex with BBG! Noooooooooooooooooooo! You're supposed to
be my nice untainted workplace chocolate penis. Cause you know women
love chocolate and they like penis...hehe.
Anywho......no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now....did he make my boner for him go down or what?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Is pseudo-ignorance bliss?

Mr. Lover Lover...yeah

I think I want to partake in having a lover. Yes, I said it...a lover! Mr. Phil seems like the perfect candidate. Yesterday we were touching and it was all so sensual. If you remember or have read my archives...Phil was the sexy co-worker I have the hots for. I was presented with the choice between him and Afroman and I chose AM. And...we see how that worked out. Now, his sexiness has grown exponentially and I have since upgraded him to the title of Mr. Phil. Anywho, Mr. Phil and I are great lover potential, because we have great conversation. He has told me about other women he's bedded and I try not to be jealous because I wish he was making sweet looove to me. His body is sexy and when he hugs me...he huuuugs me! So now, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get Mr.Phil in my bed.....hmmmmm....excited about my potential lover!

happy mother's day arrggghhhh!

well...today is la dia de madres. it's always been bittersweet for me because my mom died when i was 3 years old, even though i have my stepmoms, its like...geez...i wish i could have the woman who birthed me in my life.
it's not that bad now as i'm getting older, but still...ya know.

Thursday 13

(even though its Saturday)

1. I'm sleepy even though I got like 6 hours of rest last nite.

2. If it is 70 degrees outside, why have the AC on 30 degrees. Mind-boggling.

3. I feel as though I were born into a life of servitude and I wish I could break out of it.

4. I'm unhappy but happier than I was 2 weeks ago.

5. I'm still finding myself. No matter how cheesy that is.

6. I miss sitting on his lap and kissing him. But, I don't miss his sex.

7. I've never had an orgasm through penetration.

8. I'm still angry at my high school nemesis. I wish I could kick her in the groin with pointed shoes on. I should get over it, but I can't.

9. I didn't come my hair this morning and I don't care.

10. I like to call people dumbasses. Makes me feel better.

11. I sometimes wish I was wayyy different than who I am.

12.I'm too passive agressive. I were more agressive agressive, I would have kicked a few men out of my life a long time ago, finished my book, boned my coworker, and found a new job by now.

13. Life really is a fickle pickle.