ah!

Where the hell have I been?

I keep asking myself, as I poke through my favorite bloggers.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I haven't been eating properly or sleeping well. Its beginning to take its toll.

Maybe that's why I haven't been blogging regularly. Because before I can let you guys in on what's been going on, I have to admit it to myself.

Sometimes, I think I'm losing my mind. I can't remember certain things from one moment to the next. I've always been applauded for my awesome memory. At the same time, I remember things from early childhood.

I'm so lonely.

Even with 250 phonebook contacts and friends all around me. Inside, I'm fucking empty.

I miss Afroman every day because what he represented. A man in my life that could hold me. He could tell me it would be ok.

It's not ok for me.

Tomorrow, my cell phone will be off. My brother told me he would pay the bill.

HA!

Why did I trust?

Thursday, my cable will probably be off,too.

I'm a mess. I told Afroman today, I need a chaperone. He didn't understand what I was saying. He called me weird.

What I meant was, I need someone to make it better. I need someone to take care of me. I'm doing a shitty job of it.

I need somoene to love me.
These days, I miss my father. He's probably that strong man I long for. He could fix anything. When he was good,he was great.

I feel like I have nothing. I feel like I am nothing.

Who is this person I am becoming?

I'm so tired of being lonely. And my friends think I am the Superwoman. They think I'm beautiful and talented. They think I am really something. They don't hear me.

They don't hear me when I say..when I show them who I really am.

No one sees me.

I'm sick of the disappointment in life. Of the constant hope that it will get better. I feel pathetic when it doesn't. Like a fool saving her quarters because they'll be worth thousands one day.

I guess this is all for tonight..