The Exhausted Blogger

A lot has been going on but I haven't had the time or the mental acuity to write about them where it will actually make sense...

Let me take a stab at it, though.

BFF turns 23 today. YAY!

I spent too much money on her and spent the night at her house. I couldnt sleep. I tossed and turned til 5am. Dozed off until her roommate came in her room at 8am. Dozed off until her mom woke me up at 8:40am to tell me I had to forfeit my extra hour of possible sleep to leave with her.

Apparently, her roomie is an asshole. She goes into her room, takes her shit, doesnt return it and leaves strange people in the house all day while no one is home. This is after her brother stole lots of money and jewelry and various other items.

This is my best friend of 10 years.

I was pissed. Not only because she woke me up at 8:40 to be out the house by 9am, but because I want to punch the shit out of her roomie. But, I'm cordial. When people live with you and have unlimited access to your shit, you keep it cute. As soon as she moves out...oh yea, beating that ass. BFF is a lot more passive aggressive than I am.

Barack Obama's speech was amazing last night. I had goosebumps.

I want to curl up in a little ball and sleep....Baby Jesus help me!!!

Oh, and I'm not wearing panties because I thought I had some at BFF's house....but I don't. So, there....
Til later, folks...

Blog Fam, Ya'll Gonna Have to Bail Me Out of Jail!

I swear I am going to assault someone.

I'm seriously contemplating changing careers because something's got to give. I woke up this morning and it took a pep talk to get out of bed. Baby, I am stressed! So, completely stressed and angry at life...at people...at things beyond my control. I know not to these things because they are not me...but I just can't help myself. It's not just my work. I spend at least 50 hours a week there, so it is a significant part of it. It's my finances, love life - Dames, the Kappa Guys, the Blairs of the world, my living situation, my body...my all.

What I will tell my children is the most difficult part of life is figuring out what you want out of it.

I keep going back to that.

I want to be free.
I remember when I was younger. Before the bottom fell out, that was all I wanted to be - light as a feather.

Now...that's all I want to be.

I am so exhausted. In the middle of my workday, I want to burst out into tears.
I have never been so stressed. I'm drowning in work and as much as I ask for help, I keep getting denied. What do I do?

One of the black men that works here told the Jewish owner, it was time for his review. He literally works 7 days a week and wanted his pay to reflect that. The owner said his pay was like that because of the choices he made when he was a teenager.

True but cold.

My pay is like this because of the choices I am making now.

Realistically, I can leave and go to a lower paying position...where?
The economy is shit.
I didn't graduate college.
Where am I going to go where I am not support staff?

I am beyond frustrated.


***********

On a lighter note,

I lost the pageant. BUT, I beat the person I wanted to beat. All is ok. I will see one of my old nemesis(es ?) next month at the next pageant...Let the games begin.

I haven't competed in a while which was probably the cause of my nervousness and self-doubt before. I'm over it and ready for some competition.

I am in control.

I was looking pretty hot to trot, too. Why did I think someone stole my entire outfit? Shoes, Crown, Dress, Sash...the whole kit and caboodle?

A sista was breaking...for days...

Until, I saw a friend last night and he was like, "Oh, I have it. I didnt want someone to take it."

Lawd....I was so grateful...I didn't even side-eye him for not telling me sooner.

Sang It!

"I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears....oh my! But I'm scared of loving you. Am I the only one who thinks its an impossible task? Why do we love love when love seems to hate us? ...Why does it feel like those who give in, end up losing a friend. Just 'cause I love you and I know you love me...it doesn't mean we're meant to be. Fly across the ocean. Sing for the queen. But the most terrifying thing is you and me!"

"Lions and Tigers and Bears" - Jasmine Sullivan

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Tumultuous Tuesdays

I had a house meeting last night. I left my notes for the meeting minutes home.

I left my make-up bag home.

I got a huge project dumped in my lap. I worked on it all day en el desk petite. Where I have to figure out a way to have a phone, a keyboard and a monitor all at the same time.

I leave my iPod on my desk.

Lord, please don't have this be a model for the rest of the week.

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Manic Mondays

Today:

1. I've been downsized to a desk that is half the size I had before.

2. I'm BROKE. Ugh!

3. I have this dude living in my house who doesn't contribute AT ALL. Like, doesn't even replace the toilet tissue, soap, juice. My annoyance level is just through the roof.

Its the end of the summer and I've done nothing. I'm really really over it.

There are those moments in my life when I just want a do-over. I feel as if I've fucked up. Today was one of those days...

"Tomorrow may never come. For you, Umi life is not promised. I aint no perfect man, I'm trying to do the best that I can."

I'm trying to keep positive.

Saturday, I have another pageant and I'm nervous. I haven't competed since June. That time, I lost. I hate losing because I can't accept that someone looked better than me, competed better than me. It just doesn't compute. I can never accept someone was just better.

I've been thinking about my dreams. I want to go to London. I want to move to a different city. I want to be published by 25. I really need to make these things happen.

"Tomorrow may never appear. You better hold these very moments so close to you. For you, Umi, life is not promised..."



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...But I tell People

The new trend amongst the young people is sheer rudeness. Amongst the infuriating trend of listening to songs on their cell phones...I saw a group of girls together..2 out of 4 had iPods in their ears. And!!! They were talking loudly to each other.

Then, I saw 2 dudes together. One had an iPod and the other had the cell phone tunes... I mean really!

If I need to listen to an iPod when we hang...eff it...we don't need to hang.

*shakes head*

Funny thought:

Our company outsources to Yugoslavia. I have to work along side of them. One of the guys asked me how I am. I like him, so I said, '22 but I tell people I'm 26." He laughed but me being in my position, he understood.

I remember a few years ago, a friend got beautiful in huge indecipherable tribal script written across her waist. When I first asked her, she told me what it meant but told me she told people it was her son's name.

So....
Tell me...

What are some truths and the "adjustments" you make when explaining it to other folks.
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No Time for Fake Ones

Hobo: You look like you got some good stuff girl.
Me: *polite smile*
Hobo: You the love 'em and leave 'em type, right?
Me: *walks away*

This exchange happened a few days before I graduated high school. I thought about it as I took off my make-up after work.

I am the love 'em and leave 'em type.

If someone shows me who they are, I try my damn'est (sic) to believe them. At this stage of my life, I'm not into chasing anyone. I'll do my part so you know I'm interested, but I am not calling you off the hook, I'm not texting you to GPS your location. Nada.

Why? I don't have the time.

I'm not playing games. I was never one for them and I am not impressed.

After Blair pulled that stunt (he hit me up for us to "spend time" and I rushed home, showered and he never picked up the phone and didn't call me back the next day to tell me what happened), he had the nerve to call me Tuesday night...TWICE. I wish I could say I ignored the call but I was asleep.

I text(ed) Dame on Tuesday, asking him how often he wants sex. (I was curious).
He said "Very often. I miss you a little. Call me tomorrow."

And so I did. Twice. No answer. I called him tonight. Twice. No answer.

And with that, I'm done. I have done my part. He can't miss me too much. I don't miss him, yet.

And thus, he can call. He can text. He can send carrier pigeons. I'll be here.

In the event, he doesn't...oh well.
What this blog has taught me is, they all come back - eventually.

(Call me smug, its apart of my allure.)


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Who am I?

I think the most difficult question to ask/answer one's self is who am I?

In most cases, I know the answer to this question.

I am Nina.
Black. Female. Human.
Sister. Friend. Cousin. Daughter.
Sarcastic. Calculating. Funny. Charming.

On that deeper level:
What the hell am I doing here?
In a job I never saw myself doing. At times, I catch myself jumping through hoops and fighting. Clearly fighting hard for a position in which I do not 100% believe.

I do not want to be jaded. I do not want to give up belief that this is not all I'm good for. A bonafide cubicle monkey. What gives?

When I'm annoyed, my whole body reacts. My ears start to burn and my neck tingles and begins to burn. I guess its like my fight or flight impulse comes in.

My ears have been going all day. I want to just walk the eff out and sit in the park with the grass under my feet. It's not entirely possible. And...I just don't know.

My friends told me that this type of physical reaction isn't the best sign. Maybe I have built up agression and I need to figure out a way to diffuse that.

I've been banging my head against the wall trying to figure ish out.

And that's the best i've come with and if life is a sink or swim situation, am I just a rock at the bottom of the pond?

BlogJackin' Again

Stole this from Jane who stole it from Eb...so...

If I were .....
a month: June. It always holds the promise of summer ahead of you.
a day of the week: Friday, for the same reason
a direction: Midwest?
a historical figure: Billie Holiday
a kind of weather: warm with a light breeze, just be fore the sunsets
an animal: an elephant
a flower: african violet
a color: royal blue
a sound: laughter
an element: Onyx
a song: "Umi Says" by Mos Def
a book: any book by octavia Butler
a food: mac n cheese
a place: The Grand Canyon
a material: silk
a taste: sweet
a scent: clean linen
a word: fearless
an object: heart
a body part: eyes
a facial expression: perplexed
a time of day: sunset


and something else I stole from Jane/Eb...

How many people have you kissed in 2008 that actually meant something?
At first, I couldn't remember how many I kissed..how fucked is that? Ummm...I would say about 1 person..eek!

Were you happy when you woke up today?
I'm always happy to wake up. But, today I wanted to go back to sleep.

Do you hate the last person you kissed?
I like him...

What are you listening to right now?
house music my coworker is playing

Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?
Yes...gotta protect the heart

What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
shoe boxes,a wall fan,
What are you wearing?
Jean capris, orange top, gold sandals

Are you texting anyone right now?
no

Do you like anyone right now?
actually, sadly, no..not how i want to..

Have you ever kissed someone and never saw them again?
Yes.

Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?
yes...i'm still toying with the idea


What can't you wait for?
To get off of work, this is the longest day ever. (yes! Jane) to fall in love...

Have your parents ever smoked?
yes

Do you want someone back in your life?
Yes. But...i'm too stubborn to tell them and they're too detached to care

Who was the last person who called you?
Twin.

Are you good at giving directions?
Yes

Would your parents be mad if you got pregnant /got someone pregnant?
Maybe, I'm not married.

Rent a movie or go to movies?
Rent a movie. Snuggle time!

What did you eat last?
BBQ's chicken and ribs, still got the itis from it

Has anyone told you they missed you lately?
nope...

Is your ex still in your life as a friend?
yes

Are you wearing any clothes that don't belong to you?
no.

Would you ever steal someones boyfriend or girlfriend?
No

Mountains or the beach?
beach

When was the last time you cried?
last week...

Who's someone you miss?
Afroman...quiet as its kept

How many times have you been in love?
2x

How many times have you had your heart broken?
Many a time!

Do you hate people who are obsessed with things like High School Musical, Hannah Montana, and The Jonas Brothers?
Only if they're over the age of 13.

Have you ever spread a rumor about someone?
i've helped it along...i didn't start it...

Did you French kiss before you were 16?
oh hells yea...junior high was my sheeiit

Who is the first person you think of when someone asks you who you like?
Dame...oh no!

Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hate?
Yes...i had a 3 yr relationship like that

Do you prefer to call or text someone?
Either or… I love attention.

Were you bad in high school?
I was a good girl.

Would you take any of your ex's back?
Yes.

Do you cry over girls/boys?
Only if they're worth my tears.

At what age did you start noticing the opposite gender?
I had a boyfriend in Kindergarten.

Are you happy with your love situation?
no

Last boy/girl to hurt you?
Afroman, severely...KappaGuy for being an asshole

Would you fail your drug and alcohol test?
No….

Who's your favorite person to cuddle with?
Dame right now...he knows his way around a woman's body. Blair for his size. Afroman because I lub him.

The Offenders

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Baby, I'm a Pro at This

I called Dame at midnight because I really wanted to have that icky talk with him. He mentioned me cooking for him and him coming over my house.

Sidenote: I feel like I'm delirious. 1 hour of sleep for a day that is 17 hours as of right now has my eyes crossing.

Anywho, he distracted me by asking me about my commute in my 4 1/2 inch heels. I told him I still have them on and it must be my karma from not wearing them to bed with him last night,

He told me he had to take his son to camp in the morning and he had to go. How do your feet feel?

Baby, I'm a pro at this. Heels are not comfortable. I don't expect them to be. If I'm at the point I want to amputate, I take a second and I double-back.

He laughed.

Go on girl!

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Dizzy + Just Naaasty + Love Hangover Diana Ross Style + NinaDiva Moments + Is There a Future Here?

Last night, I went to Bloomie's with my gift card printed out and ready. Me and the ladies went to the M.AC counter and picked out our favorites. I handed over the printed receipt, which ended up being the wrong thing. And, we had to place it on hold until Friday when I can go back. I

I'm so smart.

I got home around 9:30, text(ed) Dame and took a shower. Got out the shower. No answer from Dame. I sat down and tried to figure out what to wear to work. 10pm.I called. No answer. 10:30pm. I called and got no answer. I started to freak. What's a girl got to do to get aid around here?

11pm, he finally picks up the phone. He says he was in another room and just checked on it. I tell him I'm just picking out clothes to wear the next day and will be on my way soon. leave and go to the Chinese food store. Get on the bus to the train. I got to the train station at 11:20. Through a series of loops and hoops, I get to his train stop at 1am. Keep in mind, this is supposed to take 45 minutes TOTAL from the time I step out of my house to I get to his house. I called him 5x before he picked up. Same excuse.

"What the eff man?" I am pissed. "Its late, the least you could've done is met me at the train station."

"You're right. If I had picked up the phone earlier, I would've. I'm sorry, Nina."

I explain to him my commute which I also blame on him. That hour makes all the difference.

"I'm sorry," he seems sincere. My anger is not abated.

"Well, you will be...we're not fucking tonight. I'm exhausted. Which sucks for you because I have my white fuzzy handcuffs and my 5inch hooker heels in my bag."

"You didn't travel 2 hours in the same borough to go to sleep."

"Yes I did. You're going to spoon me."

I get there and he's sitting in his chair watching me, bemusedly.

He pulled back the covers for me.

"Goodnight."

I pull out my headscarf and tied that sucker on. I pulled off my pants and laid down.

"Turn the light off, please."

He took my hand to stand me up.

"What's that?"

I had on red lacy boyshorts with cut-outs on the sides and a blue and white polka dot bra under a yellow wifebeater, so the top of the bra showed. He turned me around.

"I liiiiike..the boyshorts."

He took off my shirt.

"Cute dots."

He swirled me around and grabbed my ass. He swirled me around and grabbed my waist. With one hand, he snapped off my bra.

"I told you, I'm a pro at this."

"Sit down," he told me. His penis was out. I laid on the bed.

"No, you have to warm the car up before you can drive it. Besides, you have a lot to make up for."

"How do I do that?" he hovered over me.

"You know what to do."

He pulled off my underwear and proved me right.

Long story short, we went at it like hungry animals until 5:30 in the morning, with me knowing I had to be up at 7am. Yes, the loving was that good.

Two things of note:
 
OMG. The man knows his way around a woman. He was pulling my "hair" so hard at one point, I had to make sure the ish was still glued in.
 Also, my wisdom tooth started throbbing  and the right side of my face at around 2am. He offered to go to the store for some Excederin for me, without hesitation. He even brought me a cup of juice and rubbed my face...so sweet.
 
A little later, he handcuffed my hands as I told him they were actually for him. He said that he can tell I have control issues because he has the same ones. He said he wasn't allowing me to control him in this relationship.
 
I kind of liked that.
 
And he's right. If you allow me to, I will walk all over you.
 
We really couldn't get enough of each other. I couldn't stop touching him and he me. He was fine and satisfied one moment, then we would spoon, he would rub all over me and then all of a sudden, he was penetrating again. He said I was going to give him a heart attack.
 
Whatever the case, it was so much fun.
 
I told him that this means we have to wait 2 weeks to fuck again. I don't want my stuff getting old to him and frankly, I'm the type, if I sleep with you everyday, you start to repulse me. You could be frickin Morris Chestnut and I would have the same reaction. But also, it shakes things up a bit. Alls I know...is I need some sleep. My mind is all over the place and I'm forgetting things within 30 seconds of thinking it...not cool.
 
He asked me 2 questions:
 
1. If we could do a threesome. With either a man or a woman.
2. If we could do a foursome. With another couple.
 
I kind danced around the question.
 
 
I asked him what would make him ask me that. He said that he can tell I'm a freak. He said that I have a sinister adventurousness to me, that makes me seem at least open-minded to almost anything.
 
"You're a nasty girl. I can bend you at my will, I just have to play my cards right. For now, we have to save some for that morning bone."
 
--eh..He may know what he's talking about.
 
 
I told him to wake me up at 7am.
 
We turned over at 7:30. I felt like I was on a margarita bender. My stomach felt all knotted up, my head was spinning. I jumped in the shower (which eeewwww, it doesn't look like a woman lives there.) and got dressed in 20 minutes. I can't  be late for work. He looked up and I was applying lip gloss and my Jackie-O glasses.

"Damn, you dressed that quick," he turned over.
 
"I don't fuck around wirth my j-o..."
 
He got up and walked me to the door.
 
As I walked the 6 blocks to the train station, halfway, my 2nd favorite pair of sandals broke. ALl I had were the 5inch hooker shoes I was going to wear for his special lapdance. FUUUUUUUCKKKKK...commuting in flats is testy enough. As I walked, women looked and me and hmph'ed. Men looked at me like...heyy. One man even followed me in his car...CREEPY.
 
Thank Baby Jesus, it was only for  3 blocks. I waited for the train, praying I would have a seat. Which I did after 20 minutes. Oh the agony....
 
I walked the 4 blocks to my office and even stopped off to get breakfast feeling like an amazon. Being 5ft 5 after living at a meager 5ft existence was lovely.
 
And now, I'm working....and I feel great.
 
We'll see how I feel later. For Jake's birthday, we're taking him to Cirque de Soleil at 7pm.
 
Jesus take the wheel!

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Ethical or not...I'm getting M.A.C.

A client sent me a gift card for $300 to Bloomingdale's.

I probably shouldn't cash it, it could be seen as a bribe, but...

FUCK IT!

I'm going to Bloomie's and I'm racking up on makeup and some strappy shoes.The sole purpose for this post is obviously, if this comes back to bite me, I would like proof that I thought it was a good idea.

Ominous, I know.

All day, I've been dancing around in my seat. Why? Tonight, I am getting serviced so lovely. Equipped with my new make-up and my favorite hooker shoes, I will give Dame a private lapdance. I will then handcuff him and do some really cool things to make him shiver. He then will do some really cool things to show his appreciation. Then, we will spoon and cuddle.

I can't freakin wait.

I'm still pissed and bitter at Blair, but I'm sure the $200 Report Signature heels I have my eye on will sound nicely click clacking on the pavement as I run away after throwing a brick through his window.

How's that for finding happiness in one's self?

Everyday...

I feel every inch of my blackness.

I feel every bit of my feminity.

I feel every second of my youth.

And it is to my detriment.

How much more can I take in this position? In this job, how much more can I be broken down? Will I rise like a phoenix or sink like a stone? I'm sick to my stomach.


Sick.

Tablespoon of Reality

I text Blair at around 9:30.

"You called...."

"Yeah, last night."

"Was there something you wanted?"

"You"

"You kinda played me to the left before your trip. I might be able to look past that if..."

"If what?"

"You make it worth my while..."

"Ok"

"I'll be home around midnight"

"Ok"

I got home at midnight on the dot. I text(ed) him and took a shower.

12:20. No answer from Blair.

12:40. I called. No answer.

1:00. I called. No answer.

1:05. I called Dame.

"Hey shorty. What's goin on with you?"

"I can't sleep. You need to put me to bed."

"I can't. I have to get up at 6am."

I pouted silently.

"Ok, that's fine." I played it cool.

"So, I guess you're going to call whoever's next on the list."

"There is no list. There is no one else."

"Oh," he sounded genuinely surprised, "its ok if there is."

"I know and if there were, I would be honest enough to admit it. But there's not."

(And in that instance, I wish Dame and I had been friends first. I wish he knew my character better, at least to know who I am at my core.)

"I do want to see you. I have the rope still tied to my bed where we left off."

"It's not nice to tease."

We hung up, but it had me thinking...I was probably girl#3 that Blair called. And after I said yes, someone else said yes and he chose them over me. Which is fine only if you have the freakin courtesy to say "hey, I'm tired," or "my pet scorpion died and I don't feel like it" or SOMETHING.

Asshole.

Alas, I think this little episode was enough to have me kick my Blair habit. I know I need to stop before I go back to thinking about throwing bricks.

It's better this way.
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Breathing with No Air...

I feel like the wind was knocked out of me.

I need an assistant. I am drowning at work. Literally.

I was told..sure, you can get one and then

I put in the request to put an ad out for one and then I was told...

No, I don't see the need for one. Via e-mail. To all of upper management.

All the blood has drained out of me and seriously, I am fighting the urge to go in the bathroom and cry. When I read it, I swear my whole face went pale. My body is numb.

I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't feel like they respect me.

Everyday, I feel how young, black, and female I am. You would think since I worked my way up, they would think..."Oh, she's great. She climbed up from the barrel."

No, they think..I'm just a glorified peon. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I really do not know how much more I can deal with this. It's blatant racism. Blatant sexism. Blatant disrespect.

I thought I was stronger than this, but it's become evident that I'm trying to stop a flood by filtering water with a bucket.

Meaningless Satisfying Sex

Is what I wanted last night. I'm not sure if this is the final verdict, but I decided to leave Dame alone for a minute. Its just I'm a sucker for beautiful locs....*sigh*

But! Alas, I'm not 100% attracted to him. The thought of him does nothing for me.

Last night, I was going through withdrawal, though. I wanted someone to touch me, hold me....and on that Dame gets an A++. I can believe he really loves my body.

More than that, last night, I wanted to be pounded...and the man for the job - there is only one was nowhere to be found for the past 3 weeks.
Until I realized this morning, he called. I left my phone on the dining room table.

Blair.
Called?

15 minutes after I decided to go to bed and the cold sweat set in.

I shake my fist to you god of irony.
I shake my fist to you!
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A Beard Looks Good on Me

A while back (like in October), I spoke of Jake.

Read
about
Jake

A gay man whom I'm becoming especially close within the last few months.

Well, plain and simple, Jake's not out and a man in his early 30's, who's successful in his field, needs to have some eye candy on his arm or the rumors will start.

Surprisingly, he thinks I fit the bill. Who knew?

His co-worker was getting married and he invited me to her wedding as his date.

And, I get to meet his mom.

The butterflies were flapping. I borrowed a silver-gray dress from my mom and some peep-toe black pumps she doesn't know I have.

The day of, Sal, the person who's been crashing on my couch for the past month, curled my hair. It was so cute! As soon as I walked out the house, the rain came down. It was like God was pouring buckets of rain down, laughing maniacally. I made it to the bus stop where there were a bunch of boys making fun of everyone. They were saying stuff like,

Delinquent#1: "Oh she's cute, but she's fat."
Delinquent#2: "You want to talk to her? Tell her you would love her like a fat kids loves cake."

(See why Liz and I need our on street team?)

The bus came within 5 minutes. Thank Jesus.

As I got on the bus, my umbrella broke.

Delinquent#3: "Womp womp. Looks like you don't have an umbrella."

I kept my mouth shut. Sometimes, people just like to have an audience. I got to Newark, Jake picked me up. We coordinated our colors well. I met his mother. She looks so young and was really nice.

She said I looked beautiful and I promised her my mom's shoes. Lol.

We ran to Target and got a card for the newlyweds. Jake realized he left the address at work, but he kinda knew where it was going to be. We ended up stopping at a gas station and asking the attendant if he knew where they had weddings around there. It happened to be next door. We ended up being 15 minutes late.

Jake's co-workers were really nice. The ceremony was really quick. I'm still asking myself if that was it. The reception was beautiful. Jake and I danced in between his female co-workers staring at my every detail. The dinner was good. We laughed and joked. They asked us when he was going to get married. He referred to me and I said we set a date.

He said, "Yea. 2/20/2020."

We even put it in his blackberry calendar. Lol

All in all, we had such a blast! I really kinda want to date Jake. He's such a gentleman, opening every door, pulling out my chair, etc.

His co-workers seemed to warm up to me. They invited me to their cookout and child's Sweet 16 and told Jake he needs to bring me around more. (The real test will be on Monday when he gets feedback).

I asked if I'm really his type. He said yes, citing that he likes(liked) girls that are really pretty, frilly and girly, and have a little meat on them. He said back in the day, he really would've dated me.

I asked if he considers himself to be bisexual. He said he thinks that his being gay is a phase and that he would date a woman if they were compatible. But, she would have to know about the ballroom. The only women who do are me and Trisha (who is a story in itself).

We talked about baby names and I told him that my name is kind of generic. No one really knows my ethnicity until they meet me in person and his name is the same. I told him I would name my child Susan Boomsheeka..lol. Have the first name be really classic and keep the middle creative.

He said he really enjoyed himself with me. I thanked him for trusting me enough to put himself out there like that. I couldve outed him.

I need to quit. It was so comfortable being with him. Is it because he's gay or bi or whatever? Or is it because he's cool as hell? Or is it because I had control of the situation? I know I'm using this particular situation to fill the void of not having the relationship I want. But..it is what it is. I know this is a front for him. He does like me, like a good friend. I can't fall for him. But, geez, if every straight man treated a woman like he did, I would have no problem.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Listen!

Dear Russian bitch who is supposed to assist me,

I am not fucking perfect. I am allowed to make mistakes as I am doing this shit

ALL BY MYSELF.

I will not ask you to assist me. I do not want you to assist me because when there is a discussion. There is only you talking. You do not let me speak and you wonder why I have an attitude and am pissy.

Do me a favor.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I am your superior. Yes. ME. With my young, black, sweet ass. Me. Sound it out..NeeeeeeeeNaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Yes, I know more than you. Surprise!

I do not trust you. I do not want you around me. You always try to show people up.

I will hire an assistant to do your fucking job and hopefully you will rot away or fall off the fucking Earth.

Bitch does not even cover what you are. You are a fucking snake. You want my job. You can fucking have it. It doesn't pay for half the shit it would take to keep you sane.

Take it.

I'm so done.

Regards!

Nina