Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Who am I?

I think the most difficult question to ask/answer one's self is who am I?

In most cases, I know the answer to this question.

I am Nina.
Black. Female. Human.
Sister. Friend. Cousin. Daughter.
Sarcastic. Calculating. Funny. Charming.

On that deeper level:
What the hell am I doing here?
In a job I never saw myself doing. At times, I catch myself jumping through hoops and fighting. Clearly fighting hard for a position in which I do not 100% believe.

I do not want to be jaded. I do not want to give up belief that this is not all I'm good for. A bonafide cubicle monkey. What gives?

When I'm annoyed, my whole body reacts. My ears start to burn and my neck tingles and begins to burn. I guess its like my fight or flight impulse comes in.

My ears have been going all day. I want to just walk the eff out and sit in the park with the grass under my feet. It's not entirely possible. And...I just don't know.

My friends told me that this type of physical reaction isn't the best sign. Maybe I have built up agression and I need to figure out a way to diffuse that.

I've been banging my head against the wall trying to figure ish out.

And that's the best i've come with and if life is a sink or swim situation, am I just a rock at the bottom of the pond?


Jane said...

You're too young to be stuck in a position you don't love.

Liz said...

life isn't always just sink or swim... sometimes it is just tread water until you gain your barings and strength to be able to swim in the direction you want to go in... you may just be treading water right now

E said...

i love how in tune with yourself you are.

all i can say is keep typing up those resumes to get out of that place because i agree with liz and jane. this can't be good for you or your spirit.