Today IS....

Not a good day.

I feel inadequate in all respects of the word.

Work was hell.

I had chest pains, I was so stressed. I just feel like I need to get a handle on my life.

Tonight, I will wish for tears to come. Maybe they will. Maybe they won't.

Tomorrow, I will spread make-up on my face. I will put on a cute outfit.

I will go to work.

I will be miserable.
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I Start to Think, Then I Sink....

Interesting conversations/thoughts I've had lately:

(Blog title courtesy of Mos Def)

*me, gi and lp were talking about how some white people say blacks should forget slavery. I said that we should ask the jews to forget the holocaust. The effects of breeding two people together to have the strongest slave is still seen today - the tiki barbers, vince youngs, etc. they countered with how are we going to pay every black person reparations. I said I don't think it should solely come from the government, but businesses that insured slaves as property and routinely discriminated against blacks. Yea, I'm looking at you, denny's and sallie mae!

*middle america may fuck up this election for us obama mamas.

*i need to clean house. reluctant roomie has got to go. I need a complete makeover for my house.

*twin said...for another big girl to be friends with you, she needs to be secure with herself. that's why a lot of big girls don't like you.... wow....I said. plus you're a total bitch....lol

*my weekend is looking full: I have a date saturday with POF Guy 1 and sunday with POF Guy 2. A friend is having a birthday shindig sat night at a thai restaurant (ick and I'm not fond of group dining situations where I have to split the bill with strangers. Something always goes wrong.

*picture this: a train - I'm n a vintage leather coat (owned by my dad in the late 80s.), dude next to me is in a leather peacoat, a chick is in a sherling. This lady is in a blazer. That's it - no scarf/hat/nothing.....immune system of steel! Lol

*happy hump day, enough of my rambling.

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There's Plenty of Fish in the Sea

I took Young Woman's advice and decided to go on this site, rather than traverse the jungle of CL.

And...

*drumroll please*


Met a dude I like.

He's 24. From Brooklyn, works a couple of blocks from me, and lives on the other side of my neighborhood. He's solidly built and dark-skinned. He's a good guy.

How I know, he didn't mention sex or even veer off in that direction by any stretch of the imagination.

Que refriscado!

Its funny.

I signed up at 11am. He hit me up at 11:15. We were talking all day. I met up with him after work. (I'm fast)

He was still at work. We talked. It was normal. It was comfortable.

(Thank goodness I dress cute for work, just cause... :-p)

I know I'm 5 ft tall. He's 5 ft 7. He seems short.

(Afro is 6ft2. Dame is 6ft. Blair is 6ft3)

So, it kind of sunk in to me...I need a tall dude. Like tall as in at least 5ft10/11...lol

But, he asked me out for Saturday and I'm sure we'll talk more as time goes on.

I have to ask him what he's looking for.

So, thanks Young Woman!!! Our first born will be named after you...lol (maybe nicknamed...I don't know what your real name is, don't want to commit to that)
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Feelin Better than Head on a Sunday Afternoon

I am NOT ready to go back to work tomorrow.

More bullshit. Less pay.

*sigh*

Trying to live in the NOW of my situation.

I have a MetroCard and a pocket full of ketchup, let's make a love connect babe.

(That was a line from "Can't Get A Date" - remember that show on VH1. Loved it!)

Anywho...
I'm stuck between just fucking whomever just because I basically can and holding out for a good dude.

I think I'm just jaded.

I want IT right now
An add water type of relationship.

I know its not possible but it would be nice. Hmmm....

I've been perusing the CL ads, willing myself to just answer one, pushing the thoughts of myself dead in the dish far into my subconscious. Telling myself, its not that serious. Relax. But....eh....who knows.

Disclaimer: Sometimes what I have to say is not pretty. At least its real and the day I fee I can't tell the truth on my own blog, is the day I no longer have a blog.

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Fountain of Youth?

"I wear bangs because it makes me look younger," Gi said to me one day.

"But you're only 26. Are we concerned about that already?"

The silence after, meant yes, I guessed.


"People tell me I look 17 or 18 and I'm going to be 20 in December," he quipped gaily.

"Dude, seriously?" I asked flabbergasted.

Call me a hippie or whatever, but age has never really crossed my mind as a problem. I guess that's because, at the ripe old age of 22, I still get carded for 18 and over establishments. I still feel weird about truant cops looking at me extra hard when I'm out and about during school hours. But, I was never Concerned. I told the latter person I can't wait to get older and all the wisdom I will acquire over the years.

My family has good genes, though. At 60, my dad's skin was still smooth with gentle creases and lots of beauty marks. He said each year, they came more and more. He only had gray in his beard. My aunt, around the same age, had skin like a baby's bottom. Her hair was a beautiful silver gray that was a stark contrast to her cappuccino complexion. My mother, now 55 or 56 (I can't accurately remember people's ages anymore) is gracefully growing old. She has pronounced laugh lines and slight crow's feet, but I think it makes her more beautiful. Her face tells a story in comparison to mine who's waiting for the opening credits to finish.

"I think this country is very shallow and has looked at aging as the point before death instead of as something that happens during life," I said to him.

"What are you talking about? Aren't you American?"

"Yes, which is why I can look at it objectively. "

He didn't understand. I mean after all he is 20, but he looks like he could be 17.

*scoff*
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Friday Night

She sat there feeling the after-effects of her blueberry long island iced tea. Desperation heavy on her tongue, she could taste it on her lips. More like loneliness as she made eye contact with the stranger across from her on the train. She didn't smile.
Smiles were reserved for .....for....no one, but herself.

Smile at him.

She urged herself to no avail, telling herself.
He couldn't possibly want you.
Her gaze kept meeting his...

What if?

He got up with a stronger switch than her hips could muster without seeming....loose.

She laughed.
She still had it in her - the thought of the possibility of someone, something new.
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These Words From My Heart Flow + Last Night, Sephora Changed My Life + Money Woes + Sometimes, I'm an Asshole

"I'm sick. Come home and take care of me," I text(ed) him as I typed away an e-mail to my bosses about the latest crisis.

"I wish I could. It's snowing here."

And in that instance, I felt the distance between us. I felt alone.

***

I've been losing things a lot lately. Precious things that I care for a lot- my bb, my sanity, and now my concealer.

$23 concealer in a small ass tube.

And did I mention, I'm sick. Everything is dry and I have this need to look almost-perfect everyday. So, I went to Sephora to replace it. I walked in and experienced the sweet smell of all the different products and then I realized - I can sample (!!!!)

I've got a list of 20 things I need (!!!!!) I need to get my shit together.

Anywho..
***

I've been thinking about the men I've left behind. Some have left me behind. Some I've left wondering wtf happened. Call it loneliness. Call it self-reflection, I dunno. Something in me tells me I'm not done with my past....I mean your past does tell your future...no?


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...and the beat goes on

I'm sick.

Achoo!

Motherblubber!!!

I'm achy - headachey, bodyachey - the whole 9.

I guess it's no excuse for not posting but........
It's my excuse right now.

So, there.


In the meantime......I have a huge girl-crush on another blogger. She's awesome.
Ladies and Gents, Damsel in Digress

...and the crowd goes wild!!!

Mission: Successful

Operation: Throw a Good Ball is complete with great results and it has me thinking about what I will do next. I feel like I need a break from gay people. I need a break from white people. I need a break from people. I need to get back on my grind, but I'm so exhausted.

I don't quite have my bearings about me yet and it is disturbing.

Last night, we had a celebratory dinner of lobster, fillet mignon and fresh strawberries with vanilla ice cream and whipped cream. It was great, but I felt so jaded. Like...wow, I really did just break my neck for the past 4 months and it is over. Awkward.

So, what's next?

I need to get laid.

buy new concealer

Finish a story

Complete my website idea

I've got shit to do....
Wish me luck!
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Mmmmm....my lips hurt (a remembrance of...)

I was nervous
Shaky on emotional rollercoasters of love and lust and
Uncertainty
My body called out to him
Hungry and wanting

I stood
Cleaning some imaginary dust off the dining room table
He stood behind me
I felt his heat
A poke in my ass
He rubbed up against me

Both of us
Wanting
The same thing
He grabbed my breast
Kissed my neck
And we became fluidly fused into one another

I had a flashback of this...
I really am feeling....bothered....
I want to kiss someone til my lips hurt. Only with someone that matters, though.

*sigh*
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Me Time

Is what I'm seriously lacking. I need time to be alone all day in my apartment learning how to become a vegetable.

Planning this ball has exhausted me. It has drained me of almost all social connection. The way I feel now, I don't want to be around gay people.

I want to be surrounded by pillows, sheets and silence.

I'm being a bad friend because all my friends are whiny and needy. I'm their therapist and so when that is gone...its like, I abandoned them.

*whew*

I just don't have the energy to deal.

I'm lonely. I'm horny. I feel like I need to decompress.

I just don't know...where I should go...(Jill Scott)
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non-disclosure

we are not going to talk about how i had a long detailed post about my absence.


we are not going to say how it all disappeared.

or how it didnt save

although i hit save

6 times.

before.

we are not going to think about how pissed off i am right now.

we are just going to be glad my presence was missed and recap later.

yea, that's what we're going to do.

Cuthroat Tactics + Over the Rainbow

As I was leaving work, I who he feels is not working and she gave me a head's up.
I fell into a conversation with another manager at work. She said someone has been bending the new COO's ear about who he thinks should be fired, who he feels is not working and she gave me a head's up.
, It's a man who is friends with everyone but then goes back and spreads lies.
My name came up.

The consensus is that I'm not doing as good a job as I could be. I'm coasting.

I am.

My boss is feeding him lines that I'm not doing certain things when I have 1,001 things to do that I'm taking care of # 1,002. That's what sticks in their mind.

My response to it - slight indifference then annoyance, anger, and now indifference.

I told Gi I have a choice: be the type of manager they want: an asshole or leave.

I want to leave.

I have my dream business in mind.

If any one feels the need to steal it, I will cut that ass.

You know...nevermind. You will see.

Stay tuned!!!!

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Fw: Guess Who's's BZack

I got my new blackberry yesterday. Its all shiny and the buttons are all tight. No scratches on the screen.



Lovely.



I am currently running 45 minutes late for work. I am exhausted. Completely just spent at this break-neck speed I've been running at.

Anywho....



ReluctantRoomie (remember him) is in the hospital for depression.



He'd been living with me since July. He hasn't been contributing at all. He lost his job then decided to bring sodas and juices and stuff for the house. He decides to go home to Rochester to see his mom and clear his head.



In the meantime, I lost my phone.



Monday, Jake tells me RR was in the hospital. He hasn't been sleeping, eating, or drinking.



What?



I text him yesterday while I was at work. He confirmed what I heard. He said he just felt like shit for not really being the best he could be and that he knew I put myself out there fo him and he didn't return the favor.



He asked if he can live with me again. I didn't say anything. I didn't really know what to say.



Obviously, the answer is no. The tact behind it is something....else.



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Rolling Like a River

I hate when people cram themselves on the effing train and squeeze the little bit of space that is there.

Dude...!!!

Tonight, dude jumped on as the train was about to pull off. He lifts his arms to hold on and...

I swear he smelled like a whole bag of onions.

My nose started burning.

Mind you, I'm only 5 feet tall. He's at least 6 ft. So my nose was right in the crook of his armpit.

Disgusting.

He saw me side-eyeing him. He switched arms. That shit turned my damn stomach.

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Continued

So...basically, I spent my weekend running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Didn't get to see my friend from Chicago. He was a little "disappointed" to say the least.

In hindsight, I know I mishandled the situation. I could've made the time if I wanted to but I didn't. It wasn't fair to him.

I was talking to a friend about how he deals with dudes. He has all of this semi-anonymous sex with people whom he doesn't want to touch him after. He always overbooks himself and gets loads of angry/disappointed texts from people.

I told him this:

Time is precious and it is not abundant. I'm starting to realize that the older I get. I don't and can't physically spend time with people whom I'm not 100% sure I want to. Practice not giving people things you can't get back, like time.

He was like, "is that why you didn't see ChicagoDude this weekend? You usually make time for everyone."

It was like a slap in the face.

Was he right? I don't know.

Anywho...I told him I could feel like mold or I can feign indifference.

WHICH brings me to this morning.

My mom rings my doorbell.

8am

Come downstairs...I wanna blow your mind real quick.

She tells me the Pastor next door has been using his pulpit to talk shit about her every Sunday. He's said she's fat and keeps getting fatter and fatter, she keeps raising the rent, and doesn't want them to take showers.

Firstly, she raised their rent $50. That was in January.

Which makes their rent $650.

For a 2 bedroom apartment!!!! I know people who pay $700 for a damn studio!

Plus, water is included in the rent and they have a washer machine! She called becauase she heard the shower running for 15 minutes and no one was using it. Their young son turned it on to play.

*blank face*

What the fuck!

My mom, also a minister, told the person who told her, "God bless him."

You already know I wanted to get buck.

How fucking dare you!

She was like..please!! Don't say anything.

Riight. He has one time to side-eye me and it is on!

Fuck outta here with that shit.

She's being indifferent now.
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Choose Mold or Indifference

This weekend was a lot.

My paycheck was like a big wooomp woooomp.

It was less than $1k, which is unusual. But, that's what happens when I don't work overtime.

I deposited my check. Took out $500 out the ATM.

I knew I probably shouldn't get my hair done, but I needed to and a friend was coming into town and I wanted to look cute for him.

I bought the hair - a new brand for $40 a pack. I needed 2 packs. Arrgh. I got to the hair salon, showed it to my hair stylist. She laughed, saying I needed an extra pack.

Fuck.

I go to the beauty supply - the one far out of the way - the only one who had it. I hand over 2 20's.


Oh no, this is fake. The cashier told me.

I was dumbfounded.

I got this out the *ATM. She was like take it back.

I look at my phone and I had 6 missed calls. All my mom. She text me, I'm locked out. Come let me in.

That was over an hour before. Shit.

I call her 2x. She doesn't answer.

She calls back. WhereareyouwhydidntyoucallmeearlierBFFcameandletmeinIcandependonherandnotyou.

I'm glad she let you in.

Iamtoo. She hung up.

I shook my head. I can't deal.

I get my nails done, forgoing the usual pedicure. I just can't afford it. My usual technician is surprised. I go back to the hair salon.

The lady does my hair.

Oh, you didn't need the extra pack. I miscalculated.

It happens, I say, knowing my face is telling my true story.

Its freezing as I walk out the salon.

Good thing I like my hair. My house is in shambles. I fall asleep wishing I had the energy to clean.


To be continued....
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Arrgh

So, this week has been interesting.

I need 1 day to just sleep.


Lack of sleep has proven to be a detriment to my health and sanity.


I lost my blackberry.

My beautiful silver Blackberry curve with the hot pink rubber case has been separated from me.
Totally unfair.

To top it off. I have no idea what the eff happened to it.
I had it in my hand when I left work on 37th st. I walked to 34th St and magically, it was gone.


My finances are in a complete disarray.

I haven't had more than 4 hours a sleep per night every night this week.

My eyes are burning.

My thoughts are scattered.

I'm practically living off of Pepsi.

And this weekend will prove to be a bundle of stuff to do.

Still Recapping the Weekend? Sheesh

"So...how are you? " he asked, glancing at me nervously.

I was a mixture of emotions.

He looked me in my eyes and all the love that I have for him rushed to my head.
(This is the short version)

Me:"I think I should just get over you. It's been a year since we broke up. It's ridiculous to have this torch for you. I can't come to terms with why we broke up the way we did. Why couldn't we make it work?" I said in one big breath.

AM:"I don't think it was the right time for us to have tried to be together. I felt like a bum. I didn't have a job. I couldn't do things for you like I wanted to. It was a bad time in my life."

"Yes, I understand but I tried to be there for you. You didn't let me. I thought we would ride the storm."

AM:"It wasn't about us. It was about me."

"Yes, but it's like...I asked you not to contact your ex. You did. Then when we broke up, you moved in with her (!!!) How do you think that makes me feel as a woman? I felt like there was something you were lacking with me and you ran to her."

AM:"Its not like that at all. I wasn't telling her anything I didn't tell you and I was talking to her about you. I miss you. I miss our friendship. There's no one else in my life like you. "

"A friend you like to...."

AM:"No, there's chemistry there. That's not going to go anywhere. It's more than that."

"It just hurts because I feel like we had no problems beside the financial. And even if you asked me to drop my life and move up there, I would. I would move you in my apartment. I would do it to be with you."

AM:"I wouldn't ask you to do that."

I was about to cry.
Whoa. I had to compose myself.

Me: "I am going to move on from you. We can't have this anymore. I mean its not fair to whomever else we bring into this because we're still each other's option in the back of our minds"

AM: "I don't want to lose you. I can't see you not being in my life"

Me: "I'm not going anywhere. I mean...I just can't do this....romantic shit with you."

We kind of switched the subject after this. It was raining and getting late and I needed to hop in a cab. He held my hand as we crossed the street. He hailed a cab for me. I got in, he kissed me on the lips.

I called him when I got home. We talked about fluff.

"I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

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