This a Post About Control

(*cue Janet* lol)

I often feel like a child. Lost. Before me lays many doors and all I have to do is choose.

Get a "real" job. Be a slave to a company I don't care about nor cares about me.

Or

Struggle and try to build a business during this economic recession.

What shall I choose?

Hopefully, I live to see the ball drop to 2010. If I am blessed with another year of life...from January 1 til December 31..it is my mission to make each day count!

I have had one of the worst years of my life. How do you recover from one thing after the other crumbling in your hands?

How do you bounce back from every piece in your life falling to the wayside?

My thoughts are everywhere.

Am I really living? Am I happy?
I don't know.

I'd like to think I am.

I am so ready for something BIG.
I feel like there are these steps I should be taking but I'm not. I can't see the staircase.

Random venting. Not sure if this makes sense.
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I listen to the sound of the rain as it is the ground outside of my window. The wind blows my curtain softly and I think of you. You are the reason I am up so late at night, typing away. The darkness of my room is only illuminated by my laptop screen. I am remembering that feeling so tucked away in the folds of my heart.

Liking someone.

You have grown on me.

And I foolishly wish to not feel like this. For it means, I will be open to something else: disappointment. How sad is it that I almost want to be alone instead of have the foreplay be better than the sex. How often does that happen.

But I will live in this moment and relish in the smile on my face as I type away, well past midnight. You are the glimmer of hope in my eye.

Aggression

"Essentially, I'm an animal. So what do I do with all the aggression?" Gnarls Barkley

I've been told that I'm very aggressive lately. There's always that denotation that cute and cuddly women are passive and SheRa beasts are aggressive. Guess who men want to be with?

I can not turn it off.

If I like you, you will feel it. You will see it. You will have no doubts.

I get worried. I feel like sometimes I should back down and I don't. I mean how many Cosmo articles can one read where its like...

Men like to chase.

So, hmmm....
There are 2 guys:

1. BGG is an entrepreneur like myself except his company is huge. He keeps saying he wants to make time but doesn't.

2. JT is in school and is pursuing music. We talked a lot a few months ago but died down. I met him on FB. He did a shoot for me as an extra as a favor. I met him then. We hugged. I didn't want to let go. Neither did he. (Lol) I (umm..jokingly?) said I was gonna stalk him for another hug. He said..I felt so loving. Text messages kind of stopped there.

I finally found 2 people I kinda like..how does a girl get a date in this town? Lol
I don't play games. I've never had the patience for it. I'm forward. And so...it begins.

Will keep ya'll posted!
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Ahhh

Yes, I haven't updated in a second. My bad.

Nothing spectacular has happened.
My cousin X came to live with my mom from South Carolina which means he basically lives with me.

Arrgh!

He's not one of my favorite cousins at all. I'm not close with my mom's family at all. I always felt like they never really accepted me. This cousin, I actually lived with him, his bro and my aunt a long time ago for a summer. He hasn't changed a lot. Which is...unfortunate.

Maybe I'm making it worse than it really is...

He's a good kid but he's just needy, talkative, and he complains a lot.

I just really can't take someone that has to be spoken to all day long. Its annoying. All day all he talks about is how hard this transition is, how he's not used to the trains, how he needs money, yadda yadda...

I'm like STOP COMPLAINING!

You wanted to live here. You're the one that didn't save money. How do you move somewhere with $14 in your bank account?

He frustrates me.

Furthermore, my mother basically wants me to be with him every day.

iCan't.

That's not even in my personality to be under someone every day. After a while, I need alone time. I need silent time. it would be different if he respected silent time. He doesn't understand it. Thursday we were together all day. At around 9:30, I just wanted to be quiet. I told him that. He was like "Why aren't you talking to me?" (Oh man up!) I was like, I just want it to be silent. He gets on his cell phone. Ahhhhhh.

He drains me. Trying to encourage someone everyday when I'm trying to keep my own head up.

I'm on my way to a photo shoot for my company's Holiday '09 campaign (yay!!) My mom was like, why didn't you take X? Because (!!!) I left the house at 7am and the ride is 2 hrs each way (!!!) Someone will die!

Other than that, TD Bank is some bullshit.

How did I make a cash deposit on Friday, October 17th and it didn't post til Thursday the 22nd?????

All week, I was calling pissed off because bills were coming out and my account was overdrawn.

They kept feeding me bullshit like it was my fault. At one point, they were like...

"What do you want me to do about it?"

Can you tell my blood pressure is up this morning?

Finally, I get it straightened out. My account balance is $0.72. My freaking student loans (who I told I won't have money til next week) still took out $50 of my account. For some reason TD let's people charge whatever. It just means they tack on however many overdraft fees they want.

Fuuuuck!

One thing after the other!

God is good because I haven't gone hungry...which is a miracle. Twin has been so good to me. I'm thankful. I'm just ready for my unemployment to kick in already.

Other than that, I'm sick of people staring at me all the time. My mom noticed it when we went to the movies last week and says its because I'm so pretty. I was like..oh that's nice but I think its the low haircut. It is soooo...ugh! Imagine being stared out everywhere you go. It gets old. Waiting impatiently for my hair to grow back. I was pratically bald so it will probably take some years. *sigh*

On a happy note, my company is shooting their holiday 09 ad (a lil late) but hopefully I can produce it by Nov 1. I'm excited.

Enough venting for now.

Toodles.
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Weekend

The weekend was great.

Saturday, I did another photo shoot for the magazine. It went well!

As we were eating, I got a call from a friend who said Lil Mama needed a make-up artist that night. He gave me her publicist's number. She also needed a hair artist so me and Diva ran to the job.

Thoughts from the night:

*She doesn't need heavy make-up. Her skin is okay, slight blemishes but they're easily covered.
*Her eyes were like yellow green...hauntingly beautiful.
*She didn't like anything I did. She ended up taking my stuff and painting herself like a drag queen.

I don't care because the money was green and I paid my light bill on Monday because it was due to be cut off on Tuesday.

Sunday, I had a day-long photo shoot with these ladies who had just turned 30 and 40 and wanted to feel sexy. Great shoot! Lots of fun!

All weekend, I stood on my feet a total of 25 hours.

Beat is not the word! It is great to say "I'm a working artist."
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Hmmm

I'm about to go out and do a job where this girl and her 4 friends are going to a party. I hate these late night jobs..but, I need the money!

Anyway...I've been thinking about men. I've been thinking about breaking my celibacy more and more each day. All I can think about is sexing. I've felt like this before around my 6month peak...but whooooooa nelly!

So this whatever is dedicated to whomever is on my mind right now....

I want to grab your face and kiss you
Show you how much I've missed you
Wondering if you've been thinking about me
As I have you
Make me feel wanted
Make me feel like a natural
Woman
Feline
Fragile in your arms
Steely eyed drama queen of the night
Steer this ship as we rock
back back
forth forth

I want to hold you.
Feel skin under finger tips
Goosebumps under lips

It is cold baby
Keep me warm.
Bedtime lullabyes breathe these words to me
Let's go.

Anytime. Anywhere.

Lips pressed together
Bodies pushed together
Let me kiss you.
Hands exploring
I implore you

Let me kiss you.

I like this dude for no reason. He's not even cute. BUT, I want him to want me..I know...STOOOPID! lol

I like this other dude becaue he's driven but our "schedules" keep us apart.

I thought I liked this other dude but he talks too much.

I really just want to find a match and take it from there.

We shall see....

Puff Puff Passsssss

I hate Anonymous comments....

Lol.

I feel like people act like they can say whatever under the veil of anonymity. But whatever...

Anonymous made this comment in reference to my Sat, Oct 3 post:

"You were harsh. But I see it has been a reoccurring theme with you and your dealings with men who approach you. If you are tired of being single, why be so cold and mean"

I mentioned it on twitter and one of my friends said that whoever left that is high and should be generous and share...lol.

I gave it serious thought.

1. I am sick of being single but I do question if I can be in a relationship. My life is really not stable right now and I'm not sure if I have space in my head for that.

2. Maybe I should be more forgiving if someone steps to me in a stupid way. I just don't understand why men can't just say "Hello. I think you're beautiful. Can I have your number?"

3. I shouldn't complain and I should be used to it but seriously, I'm stared at constantly. Between my hair cut and my make-up (and err- other assets) people are always looking at me and how many times can you be nice and cool when you really just want to be like...get the eff out of my face, ho! I learned a long time ago...If I weren't a certain way with men, they will say crazy things to you. They will cross the line and you really just have to cut it short before it gets to a level where it shouldn't go.

Case and point: same post...my friends were saying I was being harsh to dude and I was nice. What did he do? He violated my personal space and tried to pick me up (literally.)

I know what I want in a man...I know what allowances I will make if a man doesn't quite possess what I want. I know when a situation isn't for me. So, why waste anyone's time??
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Tuesday + Wednesday

Tuesday, I started my internship....it was interesting.
The process of getting fabrics, getting a pattern maker, a cutter, a manufacturer and getting the clothes..ex.haus.ting! I understand why people charge a lot of money for their merchandise. My feet were rocking though by the end of the day.

Wednesday, I was still tired in my body but kept it professional. I was running all around and doing things when it hit me...I don't want a career in fashion. Why was I doing this internship? I am so tired when I get home, I can't really function. I can't even focus on my business which is horrible because they are not paying me...no bueno.

I decided I was wasting my time.

Luckily, I'm observant and I did learn a bit about merchandising and I took not of what books were on the shelves and I will be reading them shortly.

Time to re-focus.
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Sunday! Monday!

Sunday, I owned my haircut and wore a hot outfit to church.

I know...vanity vanity vanity!
But being bald has helped my self-esteem in that its all about the face.

The reaction has been awesome.

Sunday's message was about obedience to God and how, through obedience, God will open doors for us. I feel like that message was right on time.

He said, "When its time for a woman to give birth, she has to go through some pain. She might get a contraction before hand but its not time for that baby to be born until those contractions are one after the other. Back to back pain. That's how she knows she about to give birth to some thing. In the delivery room, the amount of energy it takes to deliver the baby makes the woman feel like she is about to die. The doctors only tell her one thing and that's push!
No matter what you're going through you have to keep pushing!"

Monday, I woke up dazed. I had no clue what I was going to do.

I kept saying over and over..."My gosh, I've been laid off."

So, I did the only thing I knew how....I got made up...went to the library (my make-shift office for the day and did some work or my business.)

I applied for several licenses I need to sell stuff, spoke to the IRS about some questions I had and did some site maintenance.

I got a call at around 3. I got the fashion internship, I started Tuesday.
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Sat Oct 3

Ugh! I'm sorry its taking me a full week to explain what happened over the weekend!

Saturday, I felt like mold but I had an interview for an internship at a plus-size boutique. I aced the interview, picked up some lashes and planned to go out that night. I did my laundry, got a hair cut and rushed to get dressed

My hair is now low low low....like you see scalp. It was an accident but I'm kind of happy it happened.

I went out with BFF and Wynsters the Tigress.

We went to Target First Saturdays at the Brooklyn Museum where its free entrance, you can visit all the exhibits and they have a dance party where a DJ spins some tunes and everyone all ages gets to dance and have fun. It happens first Saturday of the month.

Let me tell you...we boogied! It made up for the calamity that was Friday!

Two instances though:
1. Saw dude as we were walking by.

"Hey sexy," he said.
"Hello," I responded and kept walking.

He saw me again on the dance floor. He pinched my arm. I pinched him back.

"You're just the way I like 'em, he said."

*blank stare* from me.

As he left, I told my friends..."All he had to do was say something classy."

They agreed.

2. Dude kept making comments to Wynsters, I thought.

He saw us outside ands asked to take a picture of me.

"Where is this picture going?"

"Just my personal collection."

I obliged. He tried to put his arm around my waist to take a picture with me.

"Whoa, too close," I said. It felt weird. Wynsters said I was being too harsh.

Fine.

He tried to hug me...I stepped back.

"You trying to play me," he said. He grabbed me by my waist and tried to lift me up. As he tried I was like stop! I hit him with my clutch. His grip was so tight around my body. His head was on my chest. Stop! Stop!

It took the dudes next to me to rip his hands off to get him to quit.

Friggin weirdo!

I was so embarrassed. I just had to leave. As we were leaving this shady ass lady hands me a piece of paper...

"If you're not into this, give it to someone who is.."

I looked at the paper...it was a flyer from "Get Money Productions" saying that by "Shakin Yo Big Tits and Ass you can make $$$$$"

I was floored. BFF and Wynsters were roooolllling! I was like...wtf, is it my outfit?

As we were walking to the car, Wynsters told me to put the flyer on some random minivan's windshield. I did.

We laughed hard. Sang along to the Blueprint 3 album.

Great way to forget your blues for a night.
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I Wonder

I sit alone in the dark. The night surrounds me. It comforts me. The silence is only broken by the sounds of me breathing. It is reassuring. The fact that night comes and I am always awake, yawning and wishing for sleep.

He is on my mind. No one in particular. Rather, every man that I've ever shared a bed with and I wish for one of them to be with me now.

It is cold and I am lonely.

He calls me from an "unknown" number and I know what he wants. Come over. He tells me he turned off his cell phone and his home number is private. We have experienced each other in intimate ways yet the walls between us are insurmountable.

I decline.

I close my eyes and remember sweat, bodies interlocking, sheets, slaps, pinches, kisses, embraces, tongues, legs, backs, skin...

It is cold and I am lonely.

I regret my decision but then I remember the morning after and walking home alone in the rain, knowing we had gone too far.

The silence becomes my prison as there are always thoughts in my head lined up to be voiced.

How long shall I deny myself the touch of a man? How long will I wait until I give in to the desire that creeps in the stillness of the night and settles itself into my bones?

But then I think of the man that I deserve and how he is so different from the man I desire and I reach for the one that is attainable right now. The better part of me slaps my hand away.

I am not ashamed. I just pray for the will to make it through another night.

It is cold and I am lonely.
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Friday, Oct 2nd

I woke up feeling good. I was excited about the freebies I got. I was getting ready to go get some money! Lol. I had a runway show to do.

I ran my errands. TD Bank has been acting crazy messing up people's available balances and things...not cool.

I was on line for 45 minutes to cash my payroll check. Blah blah blah. Ran errands.

At 1:30, I get a text from Gi. My whole department was shut down. I've been laid off and I found out from a friend. I called the office. No one was available to give me any info. I had to put it out my mind.

Got my kit together. Made it on time for my call time for the show. It was 3pm. The show was supposed to start at 7:30. They were building the runway....hunh?

Red flag #1 that this was gonna be some bull..

The person who hired me wasn't there at 4. We went to pick her up. (We meaning me and the other make-up artist)

Red flag # 2.

At 6pm, no one could find the director (the person who put the stuff together.

We started the make-up.

At 7:30, the DJ still wasn't there. I got into it with one of the designers. He's one of those gay men who try to be more than who they are..he's tall and skinny. Dark dark dark...with bad skin. He was only picking the white and extremely light skinned models even though half of then couldn't walk as great as the other models.
Let's just say..I didn't raise my voice but I was really snippy and I slammed the door behind him so hard that the room shook.

You ever feel like a cat about to attack...like all the hair on the back of your neck is raised and you're really abt to hurt someone? Umm yea...

At 9:30, the DJ finally came!!!

Umm, yea.

By then, I'd done 30 faces. I was tired. The other make-up artist did the base make-up (concealer and foundation) and I did the creative stuff.

My supervisor finally called me. He said he was hoping he was the first to tell me. They dissolved the department at 12pm. It was 9:45pm. Ooookay!!

I packed up my stuff and was watching the show.
The show started at 10. They only had the place until 11.

Ummmmmmm......the show was a MESS! There was one designer who was from Jersey. He was a tshirt designer and the shirts were oookay. BUT he had all these girls in boy shorts and heels with T-shirts and he kept saying "High Fashion Couture..." I was like...are you serious?

My head hurts thinking about it.

There were about 5 designers who each had 40 pieces to show. It was a huge show!

The people allowed them 45 more minutes.

At 11, Papoose the rapper was supposed to perform. As the girls are modeling...he and his 30 goons walk through the runway almost bumping into the girls. :-O

The DJ goes "Hurry this up cuz Papoose is about to spit on the mic."

Umm...okay.

They stop the show...Papoose raps. One designer goes...eff that eff that! She and her 30 models storm the runway at the same time. She's shouting..."I'm showing my designs. Newark stand up!"

*insert mouth dropping*

I feel like the energy is a bit crazy and I go and get my stuff. I've only stayed this long because I want to get paid. They end the show in the middle of the commotion. It seems the director pulled a disappearing act. No one got paid. Not even the venue.

I take the bus home. At least I have good pictures, right? Umm, the make-up artist who did the base make-up made everyone lighter than their natural tone....I can't use the pictures and have that represent my work.

Grrrrrr!
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Thursday, Oct 1st

All week I was saying to myself....life is going well....things seem to moving in a great direction and then the "h" word came up.

I said, "Things aren't perfect but I am happy."

I wanted to take it back immediately!

Happiness is a delicate thing with me. Its like a bratty child. The moment you say you have it all figured out and it seems to be working out..it flips on you.

Thursday....I went to the Spa Week Media Party.

It was aweeeesommmme!
I got a reflexology foot massage...omg...heaven!

I got a neck and back rub, too. I don't think I like those...lol. Or maybe my muscles are so tense it hurt. My skin felt so tender.

My anti-aging hand treatment was cool too.

They had a chocolate fondue fountain and all these nice sweets.

I met some really cool people that could make some things happen and I had a great time. The goody bag they gave was so heavy that it broke. I got a new bag from Macy's and that one broke too...it would've been okay if I were going straight home but I was going to another event at the Gansevoort Hotel. A dude I have a crush on that goes to my church and went to my high school just launched a real estate company. He had a party at the hotel and I went.

I looove two hotels in NYC: The Hotel Gansevoort and the Maritime Hotel. They are both just stunning!
Because of my broken bag, I had limited mobility and ended up missing a lot - err- all of his party. It was crowded and ya'll know my purse was gigantic so...I waited for him. I had been in my 3inch heels all night and was really over it. I sat in the bar area next to some girls - err - wenches.

I do it with my girlfriends...I know a lot of women do...we go out to have drinks and happen to make snarky comments about women who tried too hard or didn't try hard enough.

These girls were going IN for the kill. They had something to say about every woman that passed by. After 15 minutes, I was disgusted.

I didn't even want to waste my breath and say anything because 4 against 1. I don't like those odds

So, I moved.

I ran into another type of woman. The fag hag. When I first started walking balls and more and more of my friends were gay, I found myself living the life of a fag hag where your gay friends become your Bible. They tell you what to wear, how to wear your hair, do your make-up, how to act. Its crazy. You get sucked in and its quite...idk.

Well, this girl was with 3 gay men...with the lingo...she had on a short sequined skin-tight dress and a long pony tail. Her heels were high high high. She had a waaaalk. Like Sasha Fierce x 10.

That could be me so I was like...okay. Then she walked up to me...I remember you from high school. You graduated in 04/05...

I said, "Hi. No in 03."

"Oh whatever...." She walked away.
When I tell you my left eyebrow went all the way up. That was sooooo rude. And it was really for no reason.

Faghags look down on women who seemingly aren't like them. Like, ugh! You don't know anything! I'm saying this because its how I used to be and when you see a glimpse of what you were, its not fun.

The party was letting out and I saw Kip (the dude I like) mingling with the guests. I couldn't go back to the first group and I didn't want another run in with the other chick. I stood by the door waiting to talk to him. In my heels. For about 45minutes.

At one point, I couldn't feel my toes.

I just wanted to show him I came out to support. I saw him for like a minute.

He said, "We have to meet up."

"Tuesday, I'll outlook you." I blurted out. I'm such a dork. I just rolled my eyes admitting that...lol

He said okay...I had a big hole in my tights that my dress barely covered, my bag was broken, my feet were hurting. I felt like a mess! I left, teeter-tottered around the corner and changed into my sneakers. It felt like an orgasm. No lie.

I took the train to a cab to get home.

I fell asleep immediately. It was glorious.
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Updates

This weekend was a working weekend for me! I loved every bit of it. Business is picking up...yay!

I should e-mail blast people more often, lol. I actually have to order more jars...exciting!

Friday, J took me to get my camera. I begged him and hounded him for 2 weeks because he has a credit of $650 from Best Buy...he could spare $119 on a camera, right? Well, in order to get the camera, I had to go with him to get his car from the dealership. That took ALL DAY! We were supposed to meet up at 12. He pushed the time back 3 times...we met up t 2:30. I was getting so pissed! I had other things I wanted to do... The dealership was waayyyy out on the other side of Brooklyn.

It took us a good hour and 15 minutes to get there. We get there and the car is not ready. Then it is ready and it won't start. Drama drama drama. We didn't leave til 5:30. We get my camera and it is GORGEOUS! He ended up spending $180. The actual camera was $129. He got 2-yr insurance on it because he knows I suck with electronics....constantly dropping things. I felt bad. Money is money. He didn't have the gift card so he put it on his credit card. He tells me he owes Best Buy $4800 another $180 is like interest. Sweeet!

I didn't get home til 8pm. So...yea...my whole Friday shot. I had orders to package but it just so happened that the orders needed to be photographed for my website. So, it worked out.

Saturday...ran some errands, ended up in the Farmer's Market. Got inspired for a photoshoot which Editor loved. Met up with Twin. We found a cute little jewelry boutique that we both loved...we ate...and I ran another errand. Came home. Worked all day as far as making products and taking more pictures. My mom convinced me to leave my work and join her game night with her beautician and her beautician's daughter.

I don't like the beautician's daughter.

She had a gastric bypass by a shady doctor. She wasn't big enough to have it but he did it anyway. She almost died (!!) but she pulled through. She doesn't exercise but she expects the weight to just fall off. So, to help that along, she starves herself. She only eats a few pieces of fruit. Her mom made her eat a piece of chicken. She put the chicken in her mouth and chewed it and then spit it into a napkin. She did this for 6 pieces of mini-wings.

I was like, "Listen, trick! If you don't stop wasting food...."

That pissed me off because she wasn't swallowing it and people like me who relish in having a (free) cooked meal (me) could be eating....

Plus, I haaaaate listening to people chew, suck and lick stuff..ick!

Other than that, it was fun.

Sunday, I woke with enough time to get shower, dress, and go to church as it was starting.

Have you ever been to a black church and sat next to THE most obnoxious person in the place? That's where I was sitting. The woman was big and during the worship part of the service, I felt so uncomfortable because I couldn't move without being squished. The, during the service, she would yell loudly.."That's right pastor!"and "You talking to ME!" over and over. She was trying to include me in her diatribe..wasn't working. She would be like "Girl, he's preachin!"...yea, I'm trying to listen thanks..I was trying not to be rude but its like....come on! I think she was being rude and attention-seeking. By the end of the sermon, I was flinching every time she spoke.

Speaking of the sermon, pastor rocked it! He was taking about why Moses didn't obey God and the same reasons why he didn't is the same reasons we don't. We make excuses...he highlighted 4. Fear, low self-esteem, fear of embarassment, and indifference.

He said 2 main things:

Bitterness is like you drinking bleach and hoping the other person dies.

What if God gave you that idea and its the only one in the world. What if you don't act on it and it could bring you millions. What if you try it and it works.

That was the beginning of a great week!
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