Defeated....

Today...I just feel really defeated. Like I've fought and fought and fought and its no use because in the end....it doesn't matter....I never get to do what it is I set out to do. My birthday is in less than 2 weeks...and I was siked becuase I had everything mapped out as to how I
wanted everything to be for me - from head to toes...literally...from dinner to dessert to drinks...literally..I've never had a Happy Birthday...where I can say everything went the
way I wanted it to...or I was able to do exactly what I wanted...I could never say that I went to bed without wanting to cry on my birthday...never!

I thought this year would be the first year I could say that and that for the first time in forever I could do what I really wanted to do...and enjoy myself...but no! Not this year...so the question there-in lies...if not this year then when? When will it finally be my turn to have fun..laugh...enjoy my birthday...as i,m writing this on the train...I'm blinking back the tears because I feel so damned shitty about my life.

The reason why I can't have the birthday I planned for is $$$.First off...I just became permanent at my job..I thought it wouldn't happen til after but what that means is...is instead of having a weekly check..its bi-weekly and I get paid this fri and then the fri after my
bday. *super*
Then....I owe $233 on my cable or its scheduled to be disconnected on feb. 4 (the day of my birth) AND I owe $178 on my phone by this fri (pay day) or my phone and my
BestGayFriend's phone will be turned off...

Speaking of BGF...he won $500 on Sunday...do you think he offered $20...$30...$50 to go towards the bill? No! Knowing that the bill is due and he told me he went over the minutes...I'm so upset!

To think of all I went thru when he was locked up...all the stress...all the shit I do for people and I never get any of it back...I wouldn't even mind not getting it back in monetary form...just a little karma...

I gotta fight for everything I have....so tired of fighting!