Tuesday, January 23, 2007


Today...I just feel really defeated. Like I've fought and fought and fought and its no use because in the end....it doesn't matter....I never get to do what it is I set out to do. My birthday is in less than 2 weeks...and I was siked becuase I had everything mapped out as to how I
wanted everything to be for me - from head to toes...literally...from dinner to dessert to drinks...literally..I've never had a Happy Birthday...where I can say everything went the
way I wanted it to...or I was able to do exactly what I wanted...I could never say that I went to bed without wanting to cry on my birthday...never!

I thought this year would be the first year I could say that and that for the first time in forever I could do what I really wanted to do...and enjoy myself...but no! Not this year...so the question there-in lies...if not this year then when? When will it finally be my turn to have fun..laugh...enjoy my birthday...as i,m writing this on the train...I'm blinking back the tears because I feel so damned shitty about my life.

The reason why I can't have the birthday I planned for is $$$.First off...I just became permanent at my job..I thought it wouldn't happen til after but what that means is...is instead of having a weekly check..its bi-weekly and I get paid this fri and then the fri after my
bday. *super*
Then....I owe $233 on my cable or its scheduled to be disconnected on feb. 4 (the day of my birth) AND I owe $178 on my phone by this fri (pay day) or my phone and my
BestGayFriend's phone will be turned off...

Speaking of BGF...he won $500 on Sunday...do you think he offered $20...$30...$50 to go towards the bill? No! Knowing that the bill is due and he told me he went over the minutes...I'm so upset!

To think of all I went thru when he was locked up...all the stress...all the shit I do for people and I never get any of it back...I wouldn't even mind not getting it back in monetary form...just a little karma...

I gotta fight for everything I have....so tired of fighting!

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