Au Revoir 2007!

This is the last post of the year and it has been a wild one. I don't have enough time to recap but I will next year....umm...tomorrow.

Be safe.

Be happy.

AND let's embark on a joyous (less) drama-filled 2008.

Bisou Bisou,

Nina

Checkin In?

I was going to a party at a friend's house tonight and I had the urge to
call Photog and let him know what was going on with me. It was 1 am and
I wanted to call him and let him know I made it home safely. Actually, I
wanted to shoot the breeze. He likes to talk and I like to listen as
long as the conversation is interesting.

Hmmm is conversation breeding familiarity. Is familiarity breeding
clinginess. I'm not clingy. I'm kind of bipolar in my relationship
style. I like to show you I care and then I'll leave you the hell
alone.

Speaking to my friend about New Year's plans had me thinking that I want
to spend it in the house with Photog and my bed and champagne. Cuddled
up.

Knowing how I am, I'm scared. I want to BE with someone but then I get
over it. I don't want to move fast but I don't think he'll be scared of
by it.

Someone said to me last week.
"You're young. You're impulsive."
With those words ringing in my ears.....you think I'd feel a little
cautious.

Hmmmmmmmm.....
Yea, maybe I should take one step back and one step to the side.

Men! If you are in the NYC Metropolitan area....here are some tips:

1. Don't try to fight me for a seat. I am 5ft tall with a babyface. I am
not very imposing. If you're 6ft 250lbs., you should feel like a douche
for racing me to a seat.

2. Don't stare at me like an ole hungry dog. Its creepy. *especially
after 7pm.* (shudders)

3. Yes, you with the pink balloon animal. You do look like a pedophile.

4. If you are white and you are on the train past Clinton-Washington on
the train, do not brig attention to yourself. Why does your conversation
get more and more animated the darker the neighborhood gets. Newsflash!
No one wants you here. Drawing attention to yourselfg doesn't help your
cause. Stfu!

5. Speaking of conversations, any and all held between the hours of 12
and 6am should be at a tone low enough where I can drown out your voice
without blowing my eardrums out. *shut the fuck up and yes I am grilling
you and your bucktooth girlfriend.* the later it gets the nastier the
look gets.

6. If you have a woman, do me a favor...keep your eyes on her. Please do
us all a favor.

7. Last but not least, cab driver. Thanks for appreciating my beauty but
ummmm...no I don't want to BE with you and I don't want your number to
"call when I need a cab." Ick!

On second thought, double ick!

Every Mountain Has 2 Valleys

And I hope I'm on the upclimb..for real...

queue music.

"I'm coming out. I want the world to know. Got to let it show"

Just scrubbed my face feeling really clean.
Had a lil phone sex with the Photog.

Paid my cellphone bill, internet/cable/phone, and made a payment arrangement with ConEd. I'm caught up. *Phew*

Let's not talk about my bank account.

Or that I have to perm my hair myself and stay on the train for 2 hours tomorrow morning so my friend can put in a new weave for me gratis.

This is the fine print in being grown no one tells you about.

I'm going to have company over on Sunday night. It's been since August and I need some cuddling in my life.

...and having him over without the fear of mommy/daddy/grandpa.

That my friend...is on the cover of the brochure.

It's a wonderful life after all.

*end music*

Numero Uno

I have to place myself at this position in my life.

And thus, begins New Year's Resolutions...

In no particular order...here goes, some ideas...

*I am way too old not to tell people what I think and want. I hate my hair right now because I half-expected my stylist to know what I want and half-way didn't want to ruffle her feathers. Her feathers are unruffled but mine are.

*I want to be in a relationship with someone who respects me and appreciates me. Someone who lets me be complicated and brooding yet delicate and special. Someone who pursues me and makes me feel wanted and not just in a sexual way. (because its not that hard to be wanted sexually. a man could fuck a goat but to WANT to speak to someone daily and to be excited for them...that's different.)

*I want to be better off financially. BUDGET(ing) is my friend. I want to not live paycheck to paycheck or to do it much more gracefully.

*I want to celebrate myself.

*I want to stress less.

*I want to paint and publish my book.

*I want to go clubbing and dancing. I want to be fabulous.

*I want to not cry every Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday.

*I want to eat better.

*I want LOVE.

*I want pretty underwear and to have enough socks.

*I want my shit to tight overall. Looking from the inside-out and outside-in.

*I want to be a warrior. A tigress pouncing on life instead of life pouncing on me.

*I want to vacation in the summer and in the winter.

I WANT TO ENJOY LIFE!

...Bah Humbug...

I'm not sure how I feel about Christmas.

I spent last night in a gay bar with friends laughing my head off about the trolls that were walking about. I was wearing my cute gold faux snakesking (sounds tacky but its cute) cowboy boots (what else do you wear to a gay club) which were a little too big and my feet were rubbing so bad that I could hardly walk by the end of the night.

It was kind of sad.

I have a friend staying with me. He wanted to go. So, we went.

Now, I'm debating whether or not I'm going to work. If I don't, I'll visit g-ma at the hospital. She's not doing so well. I really just want to make myself pancakes and eggs, sip on some hot cocoa and watch law and order all day. By myself.
Which is tricky, when you have a houseguest. If you haven't noticed, I'm not good with houseguests. And in order to get this one to leave, I have to shower,get dressed, go on the train and into Manhattan. That's a lot of trouble.

So, ummmm....yea. Merry Christmas to all. I won't be a complete moodkiller. That's what tomorrow's for...

*smooch*

So.......like old times

Afroman promised to come over and spend quality time with me yesterday and umm...it didn't happen. I took a nap and realized he didn't call or write. Hmmm....so typical. He said today, but, I don't think its gonna happen.

Reminiscent of the good old days ...without the good. It's just old.

Ugh!

Giving Back

I've had this feeling for a long time and I think it is absolutely necessary for me to give back to the community. Whether it is gay rights, women's rights, volunteering at my old high school or something.

What kind of work,I don't know...but it is imperative I start soon.

Perhaps a new year's resolution?

I don't want to get too involved and screw up a kid's life via the Boys and Girls Club.

Time to find a cause I can give my time to....

Any suggestions?

Holly Jolly Christmas!

I had my RocGirl Christmas party with one girl down, I tried to invite BF but she's not game.

We had a platter of Chinese food (umm..yea) and had a nice candle-lit dinner. I gave them a tour of my apartment. We tried making pink panties ... and ummm...it didn't come out so great. But the jello shots and my heavy pouring hand did us all in. (hehe)

Afroman was in the area, so he stopped on by with his cousin and his brother.

Fab times.

We drank, played Taboo, laughed. SO much fun. My cheeks hurt.

The tension between Afroman and me is so intense. We kissed. hugged. He offered me his jacket when it was cold. (shweet!)

I went to bed with no dishes in the sink and the house is clean.
Now, it feels lived in. I understand the purpose of house-warming(s). It feels like a home when friends have been here to share in the revelry.

Oh yea, GIFTS! I got a pajama set and flatware set from LP and 2 sets of glasses from Gi and some adorable martini glasses. LOVES IT! I love them.

I think I'm just going to avoid BF for a while. Send her some cash in the mail and call it a day. I don't have time to mend what I didn't break.

Happy Holidays (ya'll)!!!

..and another thing...

I'm a damn mess!

I woke up this morning to my cell phone being off because I bounced a damn check. My cable/internet/home phone might be following suit tomorrow. I didn't buy any gifts for anyone because I was so damn broke but am throwing a party for my close friends (all 3 of them) feeling it was the least I could do. I feel like a big ass loser. Afroman was supposed to come over today, but in true Afroman fashion, he thought I meant tomorrow. i'm trying to stay positive, but it is a challenge.

All I know is...I gotta do better!

2007 is determined to go out in style!

I was yapping on the phone with Twin when the doorbell rang. The person
was almost frantic. I looked out the window and there were 6 firemen in
complete gear with axes in hand staring back at me.
"We got a call about a gas leak. Do you smell gas in your apartment?"

Shit.

I wake up this morning and there is no heat and no hot water.

Shit.

I'm at work. I get a text.

"Please call T-mobile regarding your last payment.

Shit.

Right after that. My mom calls.
Another emergency and I can't get into your apartment. The gas people
need to get in your apartment and re-light your gas pilot. Hopefully,
they'll be there when you get home.
Your grandmother is in the hospital. She had a stoke.

Shit.

How much more can happen!!!
Actually, I retract that question out of fear of the answer.
Every mountain has 2 peaks, right? Hopefully, I'm climbing uphill.

Everything is Illuminated.

I mentioned before I think my boss is biased against black women. To back that up....he gave a white woman within 6 months of being with the
company, a supervisory position, a significant raise, and various perks.
Her raise was effective immediately. A black woman with over 10 years
with the company was given a few dollars short of the white woman's
raise, a supervisory position, and her raise was delayed because of "an
accounting glitch" only AFTER the white woman left the company.
I've been asking for a raise since March. No offense to Gi, but she
asked for one in October and got it approved. He's made other comments
here and there about black/big women. Plus...he masterminded the whole
transfer debacle.

Update.
Today I went in to work to get a few extra dollars. There was an e-mail stating hours would be cut, but they would be done with fairness and equity.

I checked the schedule. I was cut 3 days out of the week for the next to weeks. So out of a paycheck that is usually 10 days worth of work, I will only have 4 days. Gi got cut 1 day. So out of 10 days, she'll have 8. How is that equal? Plus, she makes more money than me? SO how does that add up?

Foxy (a good friend who is an assistant supervisor) told me a few days ago to watch out, that I'm ruffling feathers (because I'm asking for a raise for the amount of work that I do and I have the audacity to ask for two consecutive days off - not Saturday and Wednesday.)

When I asked why I was cut so severely, I was told "although you were cut more hours than the average, we may be able to give back some hours here and there"....

WTF?

It is more than apparent that I'm going to have to be an angry black woman.

*devising a plan*

Crazy

The days go by so quickly and I mean to post something and I look up and the time goes by.

I think my boss has a thing against black women. (will elaborate on that later)
Just know that the man could be black and female, too.

Anyways..I'm living and learning and trying to wrap my head on everything. Wish me luck.

So He Isn't Gay?! Christmas Wishes + Friends Who Love Me

Hello Blogosphere!
On Monday I met a dude who stopped me in the street to tell me I have
beautiful cheekbones. More than that, he kept referring to me as cute as
a button. Ugh! I know. I've never met a man who was so taken with me
that wasn't gay, so I assumed he was gay. I know. Horrible. But, that
still didn't keep me from flirting my ass off. We exchanged numbers and
no! He's not gay.
Highlights of the conversation include,
"I love it when I'm eating a woman's pussy and she's squirming in my
face"
and other lovely tidbits that let me know he knows what he is doing.
Most definitely.

I haven't been touched by a man since Afroman left for upstate New York
in August.

I'm craving it.

I'm surprised I haven't raped a hobo.

But.....I'm still trying to bide my time and sleep with him when I know
more than his first name and I can come up with a clever moniker for
him.

He's 33. Single. No kids. Works in the same industry as I do. Cute.
Short. And highly appreciative of me. He's different. He knows about
jazz and poetry. He seems real. He's what I've been looking for. Someone
who puts it on the table. You can pull up a chair or not. He knows how
to handle a woman. I feel like he's in control - like he's assertive but
not aggresive. I like that! *smile*

We'll see where this goes. Maybe past gentle flirting and one lucky
night, I'll be the girl squirming on his face and that's real.

BestFriend is back home and I'm feeling "some type of way." She spent a
month with no contact with anyone in Vegas but still doesn't have a plan
for her life. Wtf! I wish! I wish I could take a vacation from life and
come back not knowing which way is left and which way is right. Give me
a damn break. I want to shake the shit out of her and tell her to focus.
Damn.

Afroman is coming home for Christmas. I'm excited. I missed his lips,
his skin, his smile, him holding me. I missed him. But...part of me
doesn't want to sleep with him because of the guy at the beginning of
the post. But, we've been talking about reconnecting, so, ummm....yea.

Work was hectic today. I was acting dispatcher and did a pretty fine job
at it. I was also told to watch out because management is on a warpath
to fire folks. I'm like "I wish a Negro does fix their mout to fire me"
I will go the hell off. I will have no common sense whatsoever and
wouldn't give a flying nothing. Mr. Phil got fired on Wednesday. He was
caught talking shit about management on a recorded phone call. He didn't
care.

But they also fired 2 other people for taking money in exchange for
favors.

Damn..they couldn't wait 2 weeks. Christmas is staring you dead in the
face.

There were accusations that Mr. Phil was saying shit about Gi in those
conversations he had. He denies it. We'll see. Everything that happens
in the dark comes to light eventually.

so, umm, i'm not dead

and a real post is coming soon.

stick with me....

everything's ok.

til later

....

I'm late for work. Again.
I'm a little melancholy today. Its gloomy outside.

I find myself drifting off into space.
Thinking.
Not thinking.
Just floating above everything.
Not really caring.

Then I snap out of it.
And I try to grab hold of what I can and try to piece it all together.

My life is held in place by tape and string.

Did I ever tell you....

Mr. Phil and Gi are having relations.

They're in a back-n-forth thing and I never told her about us. She
really likes him. He doesn't know what he wants.

They were off and he came to me. Asking if he could see my apartment. I
told him it wouldn't be a good idea. He didn't ask why.

Now, they're on.

I really hope this doesn't end badly. Gi is on the best friends I've
ever had.

That's some big girl shit!

I'm a voluptuous woman.my mentality is that I'm beautiful and curvy and would look crazy as a skinny minny. I'm also hella athletic. I've played rugby, soccer, and ran track. Being big and athletic can go together. I know big girl behavior. Don't confuse big girl behavior with laziness. But then there is big girl laziness. Its laziness that's due in part of being self-conscious about you're body. LP did some lazy big girl shit. She also did some clueless blonde shit too.We ventured out to W 125th St's movie theatre. We saw 'Awake'. It was a great movie. It was coold as shit outside when we left. LP lives on the
east side of Manhattan, I live in Brooklyn, and Gina lives in the Bronx. LP had to catch a bus that would take her across town. I asked her which bus she could take. The M101. Ok. Which side of the street would you
need to be on? I don't know. Ok. Well. This bus goes toward Ft. George. here is that? Opposite of where I'm going. Ok. Your bus is across the street.

Pause.
This is New York City. Its not hard to figure out where the hell you need to go. 125th St is new to me too. But! All you have to do is look at signs or ask someone. Don't play clueless on my fuckin time. I really don't have the patience for that.

Play.
As I said that, it was coming. The street was clear. I said we could catch it.
Oh no. The same way I don't run for trains, I definitely don't run for buses. But, LP, its cold. There are a lot of people boarding, we could catch it.
No. You guys don't have to wait with me.It was so freaking cold outside. It was not even funny. After a certain time, buses come every 30 minutes.

I asked Gi. She'd rather wait in the damn cold for a half-hour than be a big girl running across the street.

How dumb is that shit?

Terrible. Just terrible.

Man the F%&k Up!

Thank you Jenny and E for your kind words of encouragement.

You're right. Blogging is my outlet. I knew I couldn't give it up when a
million things happened this weekend and I had to tell someone, but
couldn't.

So here's the update of all updates....

I was asked to create my own job description with salary requirements.
I'm at a loss. Its amazing that I didn't quit on the spot. I've changed
in the past few years. If this happened circa 2000, I would've probably
had to deal with being unemployed and an assault charge. Having to pay
rent changes things.

But...ummm...yea....its due tomorrow. We'll see what I come up with.

Saturday was really a nightmare though. I was rushing to get to a ball.
I didn't like how my eyebrows came out. I'm going to be looking kinda
scruffy for the next month til they grow in. I got all my stuff closed
my door, realized I didn't have any heels. Went back to get them and
bam! I locked myself out. Shit! Summer (aka BestFriend) wasn't picking
up the phone. I called her house. Her mom seemed a little concerned.
Summer hasn't been calling home. She's been gone since a little before
Thanlsgiving. So, who knows!?! No one likes her boyfriend. She gets
tunnelvision around him where she doesn't see anything or anyone but
him. I can see this ending badly, but ....*sigh* She didn't leave her
keys home.

I told my mom. Thankfully, I had my cell phone, my iPod, and my debit
card. The most important things. She doesn't have keys to my apartment
and there was really no locksmith. I was pissed cause that was really
another expense.

I put on my iPod and miraculously, the headphones (that were fine when I
left the house) don't work and my sidekick's screen has a crack
perfectly down the middle.

What the hay!!!!!

I get to the ball, my confidence is low. I'm low. I don't want to be
there, but its funny....

When I went to pay for my train ticket to get on the PATH (the ball was
in Jersey), I got extra change back. When I went to pay to get into the
ball, it was $20 instead of $30. I got called out as a star. (Which
means that I have a little bit of status. I'm being recognized) and
after more dizzy antics, I won! Yay!

I'm in planning mode. New Year's Eve, the next ball, then my birthday
are all happening in the next 2 months. Excitement.

I told BestGayFriend that I didn't want to be considered his daughter
anymore and I avoided him at the ball. We shared a laugh but once again,
things will no be the same.

As of yesterday, Afroman still hadn't contacted me so I broke down and
cussed him out (kinda) cause I know I didn't do shit to him. He
apologized but things are not normal. I don't think they will be. I've
approached the situation like he left me. Like he walked out on me
because he 'didn't know how to handle the situation' (his words). This
brings me back to mostly everyone in my life fleeing instead of staying
to face my 'wrath'. I think my bark is worse than my bite, but people
are so intimidated by my bark that they don't stay around to see what
the bite is like. In my own head, I know I'm not that bad at all.
Pussies. Haha.

Maybe that's really something I should investigate.

I'm back!!! Miss me?