Warning: This Post is Not for the Faint of Heart/Stomach

"Have I entered a season of suffering?" I twittered on Tuesday night as the clock struck 2am and my finger was being x-rayed. I smashed it in my mother's door as I was locking it. I've smashed my finger in doors before (sadly) and I never ended in the ER. This time, my nails are wrapped in acrylic. I'm a nail biter when under stress which is like, umm..all the time. Because my nail was wrapped in acrylic, when the heavy door smashed the nail, it cracked in about 5 pieces and was bleeding A LOT. I cried for about 15 minutes before I could contain myself enough to even think of what to do. I woke my poor mother up and I was such a mess. I literally had streaks of mascara/liquid liner rolling down my cheeks. My eyes were red. She was like...we need to go the ER. So, we get there and when I was able to see the doctor, he was like, I don't know what to do. HUNH?

He'd never seen it before. I had two options, leave the broken acrylic on and hope my finger doesn't fall off or take off the acrylic thus my nail and hope it grows back. HUNH?

I opted for the latter since infection is highly probable.

The doctor who was either high or really tired or both gave me a needle on both sides of my finger right where the knuckle is, a needle where he stuck it in the side of my finger and pushed the end across my finger and another on the bottom. Dude, omg...the last one..since the skin is so thick on the palm of your hand, the needle was huge and the injection sites still hurt. He said I took it better than most men. Yay!

He then took surgical scissors and peeled off the acrylic off of my nail. He was able to salvage a lot of it. He did warn me that it may turn black (a scab) and then the scab will fall off, replaced with a new nail. It will take about a month. He prescribed me (children's) liquid motrin for the pain.

I got home at 3:30am and actually went to work. I got 3 hours of sleep and was so out of it. Plus, I couldn't type, write, or move the fingers next to it. Since it's my middle finger that's smashed...that meant I could only move my pinky and thumb. USELESS unless of course I'm gonna do all my work on my blackberry. Um, yea.

I got sent home at 11. I went to job#2 and told them. Got home by 12:15. Was asleep by 12:16. I kept waking up to various texts. One was from a friend saying it was a mutual friend's bday. Dinner 7:30. I got up at 6:30 and got ready. My left-handed make-up job was pretty sweet. Lol.

We went to Red Lobster. I hadn't been since 2005. it was delish.

Friends had mad jokes on me but they were funny. They said my left-handed make-up was 10x better than my left-handed eating and that's because I practice make-up more than eating which is probably true. Everyone's a critic. (Lol)

Got home at midnight.

Woke up doubtful of whether I should work today. I sent Jake a text. He was like, girl please..

:-0

Lol...so now I'm on the train. How in the world am I gonna make it next week with working only 16hours (22 if I stay a full day today)? Lord Help!

That's why I asked if I were going through a season of suffering. Its just one thing after the next.

Smh

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Being a Harlot

I was laughing at myself this morning. Last summer, I BOLDLY wore skirts that came mid-thigh with no problem. Today, I'm wearing a lovely dress that's grazing my knee and I'm freaking out. Smh

Is it God? Hmmmm....

I'm really thinking about cutting all of my hair off. ~Random thought~

So....I really wish my friends would make better decisions.

BFF and I went to church yesterday. We were supposed to go to the 9am service because she wanted the rest of her day. Why was I calling her like crazy and she wasn't picking up. Finally, I get her at 8:30 (!!), she was still asleep. I was pissed but didn't say anything.

I told her later, she likes sleep too much. She was like..its a hobby. I told her to grow up. I get maybe 25 hours of sleep during the week. I value rest not sleep. You get your rest but you go overboard into sleep and when you wake up, you're still tired. She was like..true but still...

I really hate that about her. Like, if we need to do something and its in the am...we're gonna be late unless I yell at her and make her feel bad first. Then, she's only on time out of defiance.

So, in her defense, she says she took a Benadryl the night before. WHY? Friday night, she took one at like 2am. She wasn't right until like 2pm the next day. And Saturday night, she knew she would have less than 8 hours of sleep. So, why would you take a Benadryl.

So, whatever. We went to church -almost late for 11am- and we go to the grocery store and then back to her house to cook dinner.

We were talking about making better decisions and I was talking about the dude and the phone number and just saying no even when you want to say yes to be nice. It was very light-hearted at least on my part.
She's like...I have a confession.
I slept with PuertoRican Bobby last night. Bobby for short.

Bobby is this dude she's known since junior high. She used to have a wild crush on him. But, he's all grown up. And he's a loser. Sorry, he is...he has 2 kids. 2 diff baby mamas. Works part-time!! He smokes and sells weed. Generally, does nothing to get himself out of his situation. She's been resisting his advances for a while.

She told our other friend who is deeper in the church a situation that mirrored it but not using spending money as the issue. Her friend was like..its just like if you have a problem with sex. you don't invite someone over to your house.. i was *dead* lol

I was like, BFF, please tell me how you want me to react because you already know my reaction. It as stupid and it only fed your flesh. You have no future with him. I just want you to make better choices. You told the boy you're not ready for this type of relationship. You told the boy you don't want to be with him. You told th eboy you dont want him and then you have sex with him.

I HATE job#2. I really want to quit but..IDK. I guess I will have to trust in God to make a way.

I am really over the other blog. It feels like work.

I'm sick of a lot of things and I just want to run away and hide.

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Mind-Numbing Pain + Pain as a Muse+ Catching Football-Sized Hints + Being a Harlot + Where's My $$ Man

I haven't really posted because most of my posts would be like...Kill me please.

Last week, my wisdom tooth was killing me so much. Omg!

It started on Monday with swelling. Tuesday, I was sounding like a 5 year old. Wednesday, I couldn't open my mouth to speak hardly. Thursday, I was at the dentist, desperate for the to just pull the thing. But no! They gave me antibiotics. The tooth didn't fully erupt and so there's a hole in it with bacteria, causing the pain so severe, I swear, I felt it in my entire body.

Since I can't swallow pills, I would put an Excedrin on the hole, drink hot water to dissolve it quickly. Then I would put Anbesol in the hole and then dissolve another Excedrin on top of it again. I did this every 2 hours.

When I told the doctor that, she looked at me equal parts disgusted and horrified.

They gave me liquid penicillin and Children's Motrin since that's the only liquid pain killers they have. Lovely.

The oral surgeon wasn't able to pull (like I was told) so...I have to wait til Friday to go.
Friday, Friday, Friday has been my mantra seeing as I can't even smile for too long since the act of brushing up against my gum is painful and speaking is just - ugh! I'm known for my enunciation. This lisp is depressing.

The pain keeping me up at night has helped me, believe it or not. I force myself to think of something else. Usually, that something else has turned into a story idea. So, yay!

Remember train dude in the last post? Well, as soon as that post was up, he called. Lol

And kept calling...

He called like 5 times in a day. I was flabbergasted. Like, after 2 days of calling, if you don't call me back, I'm over it. Noooooooooo!

After a little over a week of the nonsense, I text(ed) him yesterday.
Me:Please stop calling me. I'm sorry but I don't think we're compatible. Thank you.

-i thought I was doing well since I usually tell dudes to die..-

Him: So intresting that you just judged a book by it's cover. We have not been to a date yet. When I saw you,something said to me you are a lady,now should I doubt my instinct. No. Wouldn't it be nice if we go on a date

-sounds like you judged me by a cover?yup. not taking the bait. -

Me:Not up for debate. I wish you much success in all your future endeavors.

Him: You too but never cut a bridge. Bless

Umm, whatever. I knew if he didn't get to stop calling someone after a week of no response (!!) he wouldn't get where I was coming from.

Smh.

To be continued...
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You Can Get My Number...Yes, Its Possible...

Friday evening, I was on the train with BFF. This dude caught my eye. He looked interesting. He had dreads that went a little past his shoulders. He was dressed with fitted jeans, shoes, a shirt and tie with a blazer. Cute. He mouthed across the way, "You're so beautiful." I blushed and thanked him. A little later, he came up and was like this is my stop but can I have your name and number. I gave it to him.

Simple. Nice.

But...here's how I won't call you back

So...Saturday, I was waiting for a friend and I was an hour early...typical me. He called me and I missed the call. I called him back. Let's just say.......

In an 8minute conversation, he asked me 2 questions about myself. How old am I and where do I live?

He talked about himself and in between told me I was pretty like 5times.

Turn off!

So, I made up some excuse and hung up.

I think he got the hint because he hasn't called back and I'm not calling him.
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Random Things Going On + Single Black Female in the City

I've kinda falling off. Note: not fallen.

I didn't go to church yesterday and I haven't read my Bible since Thursday.

Horrible.

I doubt I will go to church this week...unless I take off work.

So...I'm thinking of changing my style a lot this summer.

I was talking to Twin about it. I mapped it out.

My hair is gonna be a swoop with a mohawk in the back.

My make-up look is gonna be bronzed with metallic eyes. Think of the contrast: the silver eyes and the bronzed skin.

He was like...what about the clothes? Lol. I was like uhhhh....

Lmao.

So, as I'm writing this...this dude gets on the train. Clearly drunk. I'm listening to my iPod. So, he walks up on me...starts leaning in really close and all I can smell is the liquor on his breath. I almost gagged. He starts saying stuff. Half of it, I couldn't hear and the other half was indecipherable. I'm like leave me alone...the wrong thing and then I move seats.

He starts yelling to the top of his lungs..."You're fat! You're ugly! I probably have more money than you. Your fat ass...your busted weave...I have a job! I got more money than you!"Other not so nice things and I just turn up my ipod...I was prepared to knock fire out of him with the wood part of umbrella...if he came at me.

I was shaking like...if this mofo wouldve hit me...no one would do anything to stop it.

This city is bananas!

*So, I get off and its raining soooo hard. My mom calls me like..I wish I could pick you up. No worries, I say, I'll hail a cab. She calls me 5 minutes later...you in a cab? Yes. Stay on the phone with me...mind you...the ride is 5 minutes. Umm..I'm fine. On the other line. Ok. Call me as soon as you get home. If she ONLY knew...smh
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Maybe THIS is Why I'm Single? Lol

So...the FedEx guy and I see each other a lot since he makes his deliveries and I pick up the company's mail at the same time....anyways, I speak out of being polite. He's cute but he's older.

Wednesday, he asks me what my name is and I told him. I didn't think anything of it.

So, yesterday, we get in the elevator together.

Him: Hi. How are you?

Me: Good. U?

Him: Not as good as you. *gives me a look*

Me: Hmm..*straight face*

Him: This weekend is supposed to be beautiful.

Me: Yup

Him: Are you doing anything this weekend?

Me: I don't know

Him: Where do you live?

Me: Excuse me?

Him: Where do you live?

Me: I heard you. Brooklyn

Him: O, where in Brooklyn?

Me: *side eye* Why do you ask?

Him: I'm going to bang on your door. Would you let me in? *smiles*

Me: *serious face* No.

Him: Why not? I thought I would be welcome.

Me: What gave you that impression?

Him: I don't know. I just thought so.

Me: Oh.

Him: Well, you have a good weekend. *exits*

Me: You too. *fake smile*

I do NOT want to entertain ANYTHING. Not even flirting. He makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why...I think maybe, its because he walks around like you're supposed to fall at his feet. I don't know what it is but I'm not a fan. And....saying hello in the elevator everyday does not equal to flirting or any invitations at all. Negro...you get a big *womp womp*

I really want to be one of those no-nonsense chicks that dudes don't approach unless its on some serious tip. Not sure if I accomplished that...we'll see on Monday, I guess.
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Learn Ya Lesson, Stupid!

Clearly, I don't listen!

I believe God gives us the tools we need and its just up to us to use them. Friday night, the message was about transforming your mind. The pastor said, "Think. Don't make rash decisions."

What did I do Sunday afternoon? I ran into a friend from high school. He's a rapper and was having a show. Would I buy a ticket? $10. Sure. He didn't have change. Can I buy two? Sure.

1. I didn't ask what day it was on. 2. I only had $20 in my pocket. I had my ATM card.

When I got home, I realized that the show was on Wednesday at 9pm!

*sigh*

$20 meant that I was broke yesterday and today.

I knew that I had $19 to last me from yesterday til today. Piece of cake? Right. No...

Lunch was $8. Dinner was $8.

I didn't even like it. I ate 2 bites and was done (Subway sandwich). This morning, I thought I had more money than I thought because when I went to buy breakfast with my ATM card, it said no ma'am. Luckily, I had a couple of dollars in my pocket.

My account had $2.39 (!!!)

I had $4 in my pocket.

Let's just say, I slept during my lunch break.

So.....I get to job#2 and asked Gi for a couple of dollars.

She only had $3 on her and she didn't want to go by the ATM and come back and I couldn't leave my desk. By this time, I had $2 left.

So, on my way home, I passed by a sub-par pizza parlor who we all think is racist. (I.e, they don't greet black people and they act like they don't hear you when you order but if you're spanish - they are- or white, they perk up when you walk in the door.) They have a special $5.50 for 2 slices and a small drink. The pizza parlor down the block has way better pizza and no ummm...hearing issues. They are slightly more expensive.....$1 more for the special. So, I start scraping around in my pocket for that extra $1. I thought I had it but I didn't have it...I told myself I would be fine with 1 slice and a drink. It came up to $4.25. I remember when a slice of pizza was $1.00, now its $2.75!

*sigh*

Pay day is tomorrow! Thank God!

I've learned my lessons and will make better decisions with my money!
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I Can't Stand the Rain

I don't have many fears.

Fear of failure
Fear of heights (maybe not a fear but an acute awareness of the height I'm reaching and its inevitability that people fall/crash/die on ferris wheels)
Fear of homelessness.

The last one is a true blue fear that one day my friends and family would forsake me and I will be forced to panhandle.

That is why I took pity on RR.

its so funny that all of my friends are extremely family oriented and I am not. Bff wants me to go to Mexico with her and all her family members. She's excited! Can't wait! If I were her, I wouldn't be. If it were my family. I've always been ostracized. My stepmom's family never really embraced me because they felt like they didn't have to and my dad's family never embraced me because they felt like I was too close to my mom's fam.

My sister, the eldest, with the kidney cysts doesn't call or write me. The only way we communicate is through fb and every time, I've been the one to initiate it. Seeing as I have to cough up with $156 extra in international charges on my phone bill, I'm in no hurry to call. ESPECIALLY when she told me she had free international calling on her phone after 7. Yeah, that makes me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.

And my grandmother. She lives down the block from me. She never picks up when I call or calls me back. The only reason she's ever done so is to ask me for something. My mom says I should show up at her house. What granddaughter has to maker her grandmother love her?

So, yes, the fear of homelessness was instilled in me when my brother was having behavioral problems at 16. He couldn't live my grandma and he couldn't live with us, thus, he was shipped all over to various relatives that dint want him either. And no matter what, your friends are not your family...(He later turned to the military)

I know God has my back and I don't have to worry but...just having a sad day.
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arrgh

I am frustrated and tired. Frustrated from being tired. Frustrated from having 2 jobs and getting 4-5 hours of sleep every day but Sunday and having other people with 1 job tell me how tired they are. This job bring out the misery in me.

I went to the gym this morning. Although I had no idea what I was doing and although I should be looking up exercise techniques, I enjoyed it. My period is coming soon..exhaustion + frustration + hormones = rockin good time…

this made me chuckle though (http://devilspanties.keenspot.com/)

For Laura

Yes, this post is for Laura.

Her comment to my celibacy post was:
" k, couple of things: wait until marriage? DUDE, thats like buying a car without test driving (PS it actually doesn't say wait until marriage in the bible... it just tended to be prostitutes who had sex before marriage. BECAUSE, when men realized the role they played in reproduction they developed a patriarchal system bc they don't wanna be involved in raising another man's child... So says Simone de Beauvoir anyway)

Thing number 2: I am Christian, but I've got mad beef with christianity... I mean really, does God care who you have sex with? Who you love etc? I hope not! Love is love. Sex is a part of that, marriage or no. I'm pretty sure God is more chill then most religions give Her credit for! "

Laura, sweetie, have you read the Bible? For if you called yourself a Christian, you are a follower of Jesus Christ who is a MAN. God the FATHER and the Holy Spirit. So, this ubiquitous "Her" is not God.

Secondly, God speaks down on 4 sex sins in the Bible: FORNICATION, Adultery, Homosexuality, and Beastiality.

What is fornication, babes? Having sex outside of marriage.

Instead of believing this Simone person, go to the Source!

Hebrews 13:4
Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled: but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

Ephesians 5:1-5
Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma. But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as it is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jetting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idoltar, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.

And if sex is apart of love, if you "test-drive" the car and it is not good, what? You won't love the person anymore?

What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

And if sex doesn't mean anything, why does it change everything?

Last verse (and you should read 1 Corinthians Chapters 5-7)
This verse is from 1Cor 7:8-9
But I say to the unmarried and the widows: it is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

I suggest you don't leave your convictions up to heresay and you search for the answers yourself. Judgment is a sin just as fornication or killing, so I am not judging you, I'm defending my beliefs just as you presented yours. I hope you find peace and truth.

Nina *_*

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bipolar

wednesday
my mother yelled at me because she doesn't think i dress well.

saturday
she takes me shopping. spends $500 on me.

monday.
she yells at me because i took a to-go plate when she fixed food on saturay night.

my life...

Demons & Spirits

The title is kind of misleading. If we believe that we are all spiritual beings, then we all have a choice to contain demons or angels within us. Demons being ugly or bad spirits. Angels being good and godly.

Last week has been a learning experience. I'm learning about who I am and gaining direction in my life.

I almost apologized for the last couple of posts being about God. I never liked people who were ALL about God. I don't think I'm becoming about that but this is the most important thing going on in my life.

Looking at one's self is the most hurtful thing one can do if it is in the spirit of truth. Truthfully speaking, that last post was all wrong. Lust. I have the spirit of lust all in me and I need to get it out.

I keep saying, "God, if you just give me a partner. I've been single too long. I need male attention, I'll be happy. I'll be complete." And we all know that since I'm a mess, adding another person to the mess will complicate things more. Maybe there's a reason why I'm still single.

Its an added distraction to where my eyes should be looking.

I keep asking why do I still curse sometimes? Why do I still have anger issues? Why do I still want to masturbate?

Yesterday at church, the pastor answered my questions...just because you have God doesn't mean he erases everything. The first step has been made: accepting God in my heart. Its up to me to give it all to Him. Its up to me to give Him my mind.

Its not easy. Jesus said, "Come to me all you who labor and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest in your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30.
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Garsh!

I have a teensy tiny crush on one of the Praise & Worship Leaders at church.

Why do I like musicians, so?!

He's beautiful. Nice teeth, he dresses nicely. He's really masculine. He's got that sanctified s-curl thing going with his hair...you know how the dudes in church always have that...lol.

Anyways, I had to close my eyes during the service so I could focus on God and not on him singing. Him and his perfect teeth.

All I know about him is his name might be T. And he sings. I want to get to know more but church-romances = heartache ready to happen and spiritual disarray. If it doesn't work out, one of us will have to be at 9am service and the other at 11. But, what if...

Let me stop..he could be married for all I know... :(
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Word! Is this Dating, These Days?

Gi told me about 2 dates she went on this weekend with the same dude. She met him on Bl.ackPl.anet. They went out to eat the first night. He seemed cool. The next night they went out to eat again by accident. They were supposed to do a movie but it was crowded. It was then that he told her that he's about sex and that if a girl makes him wait too long, he gets bored. His ex slept with him the first night and they were together 3 yrs. So, he basically expected Gi to sleep with him after a few phone conversations but that being her 2nd time meeting him in PERSON. He wanted an "impromptu" relationship.

Oh yea, and he promised her she would be the only one he would sleep with (I guess so they could raw dog...) *insert rolling of the eyes*

Are you effing kidding me?!

Gi, being the sassy lady she is...properly informed him that he would be getting no nookie from her and that she would no longer be entertaining his company. Ya know, just to save him from boredom.
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Celibacy Blues

Is more than a Jill Scott song. Ever since I started pondering it, I've been dreaming of all my exes. Last night, I dreamt of this dude Ze. We're basically the same height but he's mad strong and he liked me waaaay more than I liked him. He is a Crip (he joined when he was 11 and now he's 25. He's considered an OG and the last I talked to him, some 3 yrs ago...he said he didn't really rock with dudes like that but he still wears the colors). I dated him in high school after he pursued me with flowers he drew and poems and thangs...lol. The most thugged out dude did the sweetest things for me. How funny is that?

I had to stop messing with him because there were a LOT of Bloods in my school. One dude called me his b!tch one day. Let's just say Ze didn't like that and there was choking up against a wall involved and bloody lips and thangs. And...umm, yea. If you know me, you know I'm a little bunny rabbit. He got suspended for 15 days behind it.

He was so gentle and tender with me. Crazy.

Plus, I remember an incident where this chick grabbed his crotch. Let's just say, I wasn't such a cutesy bunny then. Our relationship was too high profile for me...hahaha.

Anywho, I had a dream, we were in a train straight out of the early 90's. Some dudes tried to punk him and we were in a dangerous situation that led to both of us being shot. I was so scared in the dream. We were running and ducking behind trains. Ever been chased by a maniac who WILL kill. Even one that your mind has created is scary.

I think so fondly of him because he was really the first dude that ever really pursued me. He made me FEEL something around him. He always called me precious and fragile. He always let me know that he wanted me. And he was smart - in the top 10% of our class and was in an extracurricular medical science program. (Yes, I don't mess with the dumb dumbs...lol..Maybe he should've ignored me for 3 yrs like Afroman. Then, I would've been smitten. Smh)

With him, I was always shiny, and that's a feeling a girl just can't ever forget.

P.S. I think these stories are validating me as a Brooklyn chick. People never believe me when I say I'm from BK. Don't let the smile fool ya!
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Weekend Recap

So...Friday night, I felt terrible. I fell asleep almost as soon as I got home only to be awakened by my neighbor. I'd left my keys in my door.

Saturday, I tried to clean up my apartment only to retire to bed after 20 minutes, feeling weak in the body. At about 3, I decided to get my nails done. Let me paint a picture for you: no make-up, circles under my eyes, black sweat pants, orange oversized T-shirt, white hoodie, white knit cap, red leather jacket, Converse-esque sneakers. Yes folks, I was styling and profiling...lol.

Anyways, this old guy was like can I listen to the other earbud(I was listening to music on my phone). I tried ignoring him but then he insisted. I said no. He went on and on about how we have a black president and we need to be better to each other. I was like dude, you're like 50 years old! Why are you even TRYING to mess with me? He kept going on and on and on. I got upset and was like...shut up! Didn't look back to see if he heard me or not. He stopped talking though, lol.

On the next block, this old Indian guy with rotting teeth and silver gray hair stopped and asked me for directions. I told him 3 times! I don't think he understood English very well. Finally, he gets it and then he's like what's your name, sweetie. Ugh! I just walked away.

After I got my nails done, I went to the corner store to pick up some Dayquil and OJ. I decided to play lotto scratch offs. As I ask the guy, he's like, "How old are you?"

"23."

"You got identification?"

"No."

"Does the owner know you?"

"No."

"I can't sell to you."

"How old do I look?"

"14/15"

"Wow."

I told Afroman. He said I should make a documentary about it. I declined. I was pissed off about it, though and then creeped out about it.

Went back home and was in and out of sleep once again. BFF called me at around 7. She had to take her friend to Harlem and then had to go to the Bronx for her uncle's birthday party. I still had on the same outfit from earlier. I told her I would ride with her but would sit in the car since I really shouldn't be around people.

We dropped her friend off in Harlem easily. She phoned her uncle to get the address and directions since we don't know the Bronx like that. We had to take the 135th St bridge to the Bruckner to Pelham Bay (which, if you know NYC, it is FAR from Kansas City aka Brooklyn as we know it). BFF was like Jesus be the 135th St Bridge and like 2 seconds later we were on it. As we were riding, BFF was like, God please help me find the Bruckner. Voila! A sign said it.
Her uncle was not picking up the phone and all we knew was that the party was on Westchester Avenue.

We had jokes like the Bronx is like Brooklyn 1985 - not a place you particularly want to be at 9pm, lost, and female. We found this random pizza parlor open that told us how to get to Westchester Ave. As we were approaching, BFF was like God please help me find this place. We saw this restaurant on the corner and I was like, yo BFF, this is the place. She was like...no, that's too easy. I'm just gonna ride up and down Westchester Ave. I was like...well sure, since your plan is so much better than peeking into the restaurant to see if it is them...*sarcasm*

We spent the next 30 minutes riding up and down Westchester Ave calling random members of her family. No one was picking up their cell phones. This is the over 50 crowd. They don't keep their phones on or next to them. I was like, BFF, I'm sick. Either we go back to that restaurant or we go home.

As I said that, her uncle called her back. It was that restaurant we saw. She was like, I'm so sorry. God directed us this far and he gave me a loud speaker in you and I ignored it. I'm sorry. As we valet parked, she was like...please come in with me. I was like...you're in pearls! I'm in sweats. I look like crap on a stick. No! She gave me puppy dog eyes and I gave in and immediately regretted it. Everyone was looking at me like I was a vagabond. This is the Cosby-type crowd. Her family is a bunch of doctors/lawyers/journalists/dual-degreed black folk and so, I was just like...yo, I'm sick. Feel sorry for me and they did. Lol

As we were in the Bronx, at 11:30pm, I get a text from KappaGuy. What are you doing right now?
NEGRO PLEASE! I didn't even respond.

We were following BFF's parents home. Her dad was switching lanes without signaling, running red lights. BFF was like..yo, let me just trust God to get us home because really..this is ridiculous. Lol. She got home before her parents did.

Yesterday, I went to church. The 11am service. I kept falling asleep. I hate the 11am service because I feel like there are too many people there looking in my face, looking at what I have on..just waiting to report to my mother or just ugh! Too much to deal with. Service was great though. I really believe God wanted me there. I went to brunch with BFF and her parents. I was supposed to go back to church for communion. I told myself I would nap for 20 minutes, I woke up at 5:45. Church started at 5. Went back to sleep. Woke up at 6 this morning. A bunch of missed calls and texts. One of them was Kappa Guy. I'm on your block. I'm on my way home from Fort Greene Park.

Oh well, guess it wasn't meant to be.

Re-Dedication + So Special + Meant to Be?

(Get comfy...this is gonna be a long post)

Thursday night, I was a mix between sad and mad. I was so frustrated because I've been working so hard and not really seeing a return on my work..

So...
I left job#2 about 2 hours early and ordered a Texas-sized drink from BBQ's, ready for light-hearted conversation and a bundle of laughs.

I got God-talk.

I love God but lately, that is all BFF wants to talk about. She's focused. I get it. The world that God made is a lot wider and bigger. I really do believe in everything in moderation. BFF is an extremist. So, I indulge and then change the conversation as much as possible.

Which is what I did.

But then, we started talking about how BFF's friend waited til she was married to have sex. she was with her husband for 5 years before they got married. It was hard but it was best.

I asked about intimacy in regular relationships. She said that God ordained that intimacy to happen in marriage and that that's why break-ups are so hard. Its like going through a divorce. She's so right. Its been 2 years since Afroman and I broke up and it still hurts.

It reminded me of a twitter convo I was having with someone else who was like dudes wanna live with you and expect you to have their backs in every way, borrow money from you when they're low, have sex with them on demand. I was like, that's a wife. She was like, they don't know the difference. Its true. The only difference between a real marriage and what I had with Afroman was a ring, a ceremony, and an official commitment (see post:cheaper to keep her). If marriage is something I ultimately want, why not make 'em wait?

Sounds good? Yea. But I'm just scared that if I make it OFFICIAL, I'm gonna face some bitter temptation and end up breaking it (which BFF did) and suffer for it (which BFF did).

I mean, let's face it...I've made some decisions with my crotch. (See Aussie chapters 1 and 2, Blair, KappaGuy 1st Chapter, Dame,...)

I mentioned that I might be going celibate to Afroman. Ummm. Yes, we talk everyday. He thought it was a good idea but that it might be hard for me (I was sort of a lil aggressive in bed when we were together). I was like, wouldn't you feel special if you married a girl who waited years to have sex because she was waiting specifically for you or is that notion archaic? He said it would be awesome.

You know Nina, you are special.

*insert beating heart*
Thank you.

I mean that.

I know.

What the heck do you say after that?

Thank God for emoticons. I smiled. Lol

Shortly after that KappaGuy cancelled on me. He got caught in the rain.

YW, said something on the lines..if its meant to be...

Afroman said I should go to the museum alone. I did. I almost slipped in the heels I was wearing and so I decided to go home.

Later, KG text me if we could do a midnight movie. Sounded like a set-up for something else. I declined.

It was good that I did. I got home and a cold was setting in. I felt so weak and horrible. Went to bed.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

re-appearance

so...

kappa guy and i made plans for dinner friday night.

i know, don't judge me!

hopefully, we'll just have delicious thai food and good conversation. my apartment is a mess..so he won't even set foot and i plan on paying for myself so there won't be any like..gimme gotcha...

i do look forward to getting pretty and going on a date.

it's been a while and i need the ego stroking.

cheaper to keep her

i was laughing with afroman today...yes! we can laugh and joke and all...

he said. yo, to get rid of you i would have to:

1. change phone numbers
2. get rid of gmail
3. get rid of aim.
4. get rid of yim
5. change twitter urls
6. delete his blog
7. delete facebook
8. delete myspace
9. get a new pin for his blackberry
10. move (!!) - lol
12. and all of his family members will have to do the same.

amazing!

he was like...um yea, there's probably more. i can't remember but i guess i can't get rid of you.

lol