I Wonder

I sit alone in the dark. The night surrounds me. It comforts me. The silence is only broken by the sounds of me breathing. It is reassuring. The fact that night comes and I am always awake, yawning and wishing for sleep.

He is on my mind. No one in particular. Rather, every man that I've ever shared a bed with and I wish for one of them to be with me now.

It is cold and I am lonely.

He calls me from an "unknown" number and I know what he wants. Come over. He tells me he turned off his cell phone and his home number is private. We have experienced each other in intimate ways yet the walls between us are insurmountable.

I decline.

I close my eyes and remember sweat, bodies interlocking, sheets, slaps, pinches, kisses, embraces, tongues, legs, backs, skin...

It is cold and I am lonely.

I regret my decision but then I remember the morning after and walking home alone in the rain, knowing we had gone too far.

The silence becomes my prison as there are always thoughts in my head lined up to be voiced.

How long shall I deny myself the touch of a man? How long will I wait until I give in to the desire that creeps in the stillness of the night and settles itself into my bones?

But then I think of the man that I deserve and how he is so different from the man I desire and I reach for the one that is attainable right now. The better part of me slaps my hand away.

I am not ashamed. I just pray for the will to make it through another night.

It is cold and I am lonely.
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