A Dog With A Bone

Marshall text me Wednesday night at 11pm saying that he was in my neighborhood and wanted to come over.

I declined saying it was too late.

He then said he wanted to spend the night because he lives about an hour or so away and didn't feel like taking the trek home.

I told him no.

He then said he would be a gentleman and we'd talk for an hour and then he'd go to sleep.

I said that I knew nothing would happen but the answer was no.

At 12, he says he's passing right by my house if I'd reconsidered.

I said no.

At 1am, he text me saying he'd been standing outside his cousin's house for 20 mins, he fell asleep on him and asked if he could come over.

I didn't respond.

Dude was trying HARD.
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Last week, I text him out of the blue saying I wanted to start over and be friends. I felt we got off on the wrong foot. He agreed. We were texting casually during the week. Saturday night, as I was leaving the club, he text me. He works 12am-8am and was on his lunch break at 3:30am. I called him. He told me his last relationship was 4yrs ago. I was like...Damn, I thought I was bad. Mine was a year and some change. He asked me if that was the last time I had sex. I told him yea. Then, I told him about London and he was like "Why do you want to live in another country. That means you have to learn a whole new set of rules..." *blank stare* I tried to play it off by saying as a black man he could live anywhere bc women everywhere love black men. I asked him if he'd ever dated a white girl. He said a white woman. Then, he went into this whole story about she sucked every part of his body...toes, kneecaps...everywhere. I was disgusted and told him I had to go.
He was basically placed on my "whatever" list. I liked him for years and years only to find he's so immature.

We could be talking about stamp-collecting and he'd make it sexual. He doesn't know that the more you talk about sex, the less likely I am to have sex with you. Its so sad because seriously...I would probably have had sex with him MONTHS ago had he...you know...shown interest in me as a person, besides the physical. Dudes talk themselves out of sex so easily! Smh

But, honestly....I didn't let him sleep on my couch because I don't want him in my house. My house is so personal to me. My space is hella private. Because he's so sexually charged, who is to say I could sleep soundly with him in the next room? If an assault happened, I'd feel like an idiot because I allowed him in my home. We're at Level 0 in friendship. That does not include slumber parties. The rate he's going, we're never going past this point.
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What A Girl Wants

Tonight was the last night of my singles group at church. I'm genuinely going to miss going.

It was basically 10 weeks of analyzing yourself. Figuring out where your flaws are, where you've gone wrong and how to avoid falling into those pitfalls again. I loved it.

I thought I had it all figured out but now....

I don't know.

With this trip to London and all the things I want to do in the future...it is really uncertain if I'll stay in NYC. This summer, I plan to work my butt off in order to afford the things I want to do and now.......
I'm thinking...do I want to even try and be someone's girlfriend?

The answer is no.
I don't want anyone to try and clip my wings. I don't even want to be placed in a position where I feel that I may have to choose between them and travel.

I want to date and have fun and enjoy sex.

15 months of celibacy and I've learned a lot but am I really ready to go back to frivolous sexual relationships?

I feel like I've lost my mojo. The way I move is different. I'm not even in that conquest mode. I have no clue what is next for me.

We all know what my faith says. It says to wait until marriage. I'm not sure if that is possible. You have to know what you want in order to get it. I want to go out on dates and have sex but I don't want to develop strong ties. That's kind of impossible. Once you sleep with someone, going out is usually null and void and once you sleep with them, strong ties are formed. I just don't know...
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Don't Let it Go to Your Head, Noooo!

(Post under this one ;])

Thursday night, (I know I'm skipping around) I slept over Editor's house. She invited over the graphic artist who works with us. I'll call him James. James is 21 yrs old from Trinidad and he's not immature but you can tell he has some learning to do...

We talked for hours on Editor's stoop before the wind became too cold on my scalp (lol) and we went in her house. We listened to music, talked some more and really were enjoying each other's company.

I started talking about ways to make money for Bermuda/London/life and I said I was going to start stripping. I then volunteered James to be my first customer. That lasted like 10 seconds before I just sat on his lap. We started cuddling. He held me at my waist and laid his head on my back as we were talking about nothing.

Finally, after about an hour, I was like......what are you doing, Nina? (Lol) I got off his lap.

Editor left the room and went to freshen up for bedtime. James and I played thumbwar. I'm really good at it. Somehow, we ended up holding hands. I let go and decided we should look up palm reading.

Both of our palms said...we're picky lovers, have an intense creative side and some random stuff.

(by this time it was 3am)

We laid on top of each other...or rather he laid down holding my waist and I laid down on the nape of his neck. Editor didn't blink twice at all of this...hmmmm

We all decided to sleep horizontally in the bed together. I was in the middle. Poor James! He's 6"3. He laid across the bed with his feet on the floor. My short behind (I'm 5"2 and 1/2) was able to fit comfortably across the bed in the fetal position. (Btw, Editor had green silk sheets on her bed...I found this to be comical for some reason. I think she was trying to hide them as we slept on top of the comforter.) As we were trying to sleep, James kept holding my hand. It was nice until it became annoying and I let go. Sleeping in the fetal position was weird but I kept wanting to spoon. I kept tossing and turning to the chagrin of my bed partners.

In the morning, I woke James up for work by pinching his nose...saying "Good Morning, love. Get up. Have a great day!" smiling and then turning over and going back to sleep.

I woke up an hour later and he was gone. I don't have his number. We're friends on FB and I have his email. I doubt we'll speak about what happened. It was nice to do some of the things I've missed. I have no idea what it means. Its probably best to leave it like that. I've been told I think too much and maybe some things should be left as is...
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What About Your Friends?!

Friday night, I went to my usual spot but Editor decided to come with me because she felt the need to network and such.

>Pause<
So, before I go on...I have this uncanny ability to be on time all the time. It takes me effort to be late. All of my friends on the other hand are ALWAYS late. It irks me to no end!
>Continue<

Editor was an hour late and then she strolls to meet me like she's walking in the sunshine.

We get to the event and she refuses to dance. Like 5 different dudes came up to her. One of them sat with her for like 30 mins...no dancing. The DJ was on point too. I was so annoyed.
Its like being excited about life and your friend is depressed. You try and rub off your exuberance on them but you can't.

*shrug*

What's worse...she didn't network! She just sat down all night.

>>FFWD>
I was kind of excited to go to the big girl club last night. I've never been and I wanted to see what it as going to be like. I've also been feeling quite serious lately and so I wanted to add some whimsy to the night.

I made the mistake of telling Editor my outfit beforehand...cheetah leggings, pink pumps, black and white tank, bow headband. She picks me up (late, of course) and she's wearing a bow headband, cheetah shirt and black leggings.

Color me pissed off.

Whooooo does that?

She joked about how we look so cute matching like that. Its really not the first time she's done that. She's gone searching for accessories I have, makeup I wear, etc.

I shrugged it off. I don't think she's trying to be like me. I think she admires what I do and wants to bottle it up for herself but.....I really wanted to punch her in the face. I know...so un-Christian of me. (*thinks of Peter cutting off ears in the New Testament*)

The big girl club was A LOT. I don't think I have the energy to go through it all. I will say...

1. I got a couple numbers, gave a couple numbers
2. I will NOT rely on a man for everything. I can't give someone that power over me. (Some things, yes...all things...no. Only G-O-D)
3. Big girls need good bras
4. Now that I've seen a lot more of Editor's personality, can I handle it? I'm thinking no to friendship and yes to strictly business.
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LondonTown

A mua friend of mine called me out of the blue the other day to offer me a photo shoot she couldn't do makeup for. We started talking...her fiance lives in Queens and she's trying to move out here while everyone who knows me knows I've always dreamed of living in London for an extended amount of time. Well, she offered for us to swap. I'll live in her flat in North London (Tottenham) and she'll live in my apartment.

I just need $4,000 to pay her rent, food, transportation and to live comfortably.

From London, I want to take a plane/train to Paris, Spain and where ever else is cheap to go.

I don't have a plan for what I'll be DOING as far as work is concerned but I'm excited!

I'm in hustle mode right now. I need to get some dollars flowing in...LONDON!! *Squeeeee*

P.S. If anyone wants to put 5 on it, email me...lifeisaficklepickle@gmail.com K, thanks! ;)
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Horndog

This is technically the continuation of the A Man Named Jimmy Post.

I worked a short film shot at Jim Jones' studio. Jim Jones himself came in and we waved/nodded. He's a lot cleaner-looking in person. I didn't want to get a picture or anything.

I met some dope people though. One of them is an actor I want to get to know. Its just weird going from business to pleasure. All the male actors were so freaking HOT. Oh em gee. When you work a film, you get a contact sheet. So, I have the phone numbers and email addresses of everyone. I'm trying to maintain my composure.

Why are men so delicious?

I haven't had sex in 15 months. I'm feeling the pressure lately. I think my friends are like...wow, Nina's just not having sex and are scheduling interventions and such. Its funny. But I'm actually about to give in. *must stay strong*

I want to have sex so badly. The thing is...the morning after I'll be like...ok, that was it?

I've been going on dates with miscellaneous guys. Never going past the first date. Never getting a blog post or a moniker. Why? Because they are so wack!

*sigh*

I want Archer. Archer wants...idk what he wants but its definitely not a relationship with me.

So, I'm moving on. I literally meet a guy I'm attracted to every single time I go out. They either have girlfriends or are grinding. I need a boyfriend though. I'm going to leave it at that.

My sisters (youngest and middle sisters) bought me a plane ticket for Bermuda. I leave May 23rd and come home June 3rd.

I haven't had a vacation since 2007 when Gi, LP and I went to Miami. I'm going to enjoy my 10 day sabbatical from life.

My sister has already put in my ear that I could live there and make a bang of money doing what I do. I'm contemplating dual citizenship. Living there 6 months out of the year. Living here 6 months. I will have to see if I like it there. It seems like paradise but paradise can be hell.

Also, that would mean major changes with what I'm doing with the magazine and my business. It would mean a lot but I want to do it and I would also want to try London for 6 months. Being a Bermudan citizen would mean British citizenship as well which would help with finding a job there.

The future is looking promising.

I also kind of want to go to cosmetology school. I need to learn how to do hair. I need to learn the right way to do scars and special FX.

I'm excited about life.
First things first...I need a passport. Lol.

I have to catch up with ya'll. I've been reading and not commenting. Idk why...eh.
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Updates

BFF got her blood work back. She's positive for Herpes Complex. Her doctor said it may be that her cold sores on her lip evolved into complex. Because she's shown no symptoms of genital herpes, there's no way to know. They need to culture a sore and that's how they test for that. She's still giving Punjabi the benefit of the doubt, refusing to believe he lied. He still hasn't presented a written record of his test results. Oh and she "hasn't gotten around to" breaking up with him yet. Oyyyyy!!!
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Eye of the Tiger

Last night, I dreamt I was in this suburban neighborhood that was shaped in a circle and I was in charge of this pet tiger. I walked it and fed it. While I was walking it, it began to get hungry. I began to get scared because I knew I didn't have anything to feed it. I tried to get help but it felt like I wasn't trying hard enough. I knew I couldn't outrun the tiger. I felt the tiger's teeth on my neck and I knew what was coming. The tiger ate me.

Of course I looked up what tigers mean in dreams. Tigers symbolize great power and beauty. Coming out of a situation with a vengeance. Career change and power over one's enemies. So what I gathered from that is that I'm in control over the changes in my career and I have the power. Once I become afraid of that power, the thing I control will consume me. Interesting.

(See post below. I have some other parts to add and I will)
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Jr Cougar + A Man Named Jimmy + Eff Couples

I was trying out something different. Purple blush. A boyfriend blazer that I'd bought from the Salvation Army for $8. I was feeling pretty good on my way to Kofi Conde's party. I was standing at the bus stop, not sure how far the party was from the train station, not wanting to risk chub rub unnecessarily when this group of boys walk by. I try to look without looking. They were rolling like 8 deep and I didn't want to bring extra attention to myself. Two of them stray from the pack and approach. Both wanting my number. I asked, "How old are you guys?" You know what they say, if you have to ask...20 and 21. The 21 year old kept saying, "I just think you're beautiful." They were both cute. They were like, "Which one are you going to give your number to?" I felt so awkward. I gave in and gave it to the 20 year old. I told him he is too young for me. He was like...I'm young but I'm doing something with my life. Then he started listing things. He was surprisingly convincing. I relented and gave him my number. Editor called me a Jr. Cougar. (Hahaha, gotta get my training in!)

I get to Kofi Conde's party. It is so mellow and chill. The DJ is kinda dope. The people are funny and nice. There was food! (Cause ya'll know I don't eat much....) The rum and cokes were on point (see the part of me not eating) and I don't drink much at all. One of Kofi's friends bit me. He said he couldn't resist and he nibbled on my cheek. The rum and coke had me paralyzed where I was just in shock. He said he was sober. Idk if that was for the better or not.

I haven't been around couples for a while. The way Kofi treats his girl. The way his cousins were treating their ladies, I was jealous for a hot second like...I need that in my life. *pouts*

I was so sleepy so early. I left. I walked towards W4th St and decided I really liked my outfit. I wanted to photograph it but I was alone. I made random strangers do it for me. Lol. New Yorkers are nicer than you think. Two people obliged me. Pics were decent.

For some reason, I decided to get off the train at 12:15 to catch the 12:30 bus that takes me from Downtown Brooklyn to my house. Its a 30 min ride. There was a drunk lady talking sooooo loud. I wanted to slap her across the face.
She said I am gorgeous and shouldn't be on the bus then she tells some random man to make sure I get home safely. O_o
Around this point, I was tweeting over and over..."Wow, Nina, you really thought this was a good idea?"

After 10pm, buses can stop anywhere along the route. I told the bus driver to stop in front of my house. He gonna be like, "What's your address?" Hunhhhh????? Just stop where I say stop.

Next time, I'll stop being so cheap and take a cab!

...To be continued....
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Midnight Train

She packed her bags as the one obligatory tear slid deliciously down her cheek. There was no sadness in her eyes, just the intense feeling of freedom. She would walk out the door and into something else. She had no idea but she was ready. Ready to move on from this life in this city and go wherever the next train would take her. For once, the future was pregnant with possibility.
************
I think in pictures and in bits and pieces of stories. My mind has always worked like that. As I showered and got dressed tonight (I felt sweaty and sticky after being in the Sun all day), that was what popped in my head. Those words. I wish I could just buy a one-way plane ticket to somewhere and run away. Just for a few days, even. Get my mind together.

I just want to be away away away. I've been saying that for months now. You ever drive towards a building. You see it in the horizon and it looks small. The closer you get to it, the bigger it gets. That's how my breaking point looks - like I'm approaching it soon. What am I going to do? I really don't have the money but JESUS LORD, I need to get away. I need to not go out to a coffee shop and stare at my computer and then come home to my dining room or my bedroom and stare at a computer...Something has got to give!

**Updates**
The more me and BFF thought about Punjabi's story...the more it didn't make sense. Especially, when her blood work won't be in until next week. The fact that his came in so quickly and "they told him his results over the phone" which is illegal seems shifty. She's still giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Whoops + Promises to God

Well, Punjabi doesn't have genital herpes and apparently, neither does BFF. He got his blood work back from the doctor and the sores on his peter are probably a bacterial infection of some sort.

The doctor's don't know what it is. He's been tested for everything, HIV, Chlamydia, Syphillis, etc and its not that either. So, their best guess is bacterial infection. After all, he isn't circumcised.

This comes after the worst week of BFF's life...a week of accusations, sleepless nights, worry and her heart breaking.

After he told her he was negative, he acted as if everything were normal. BFF is furious. She doesn't understand how he could accuse her of cheating, shut her out of his life so drastically. She told me she made a promise to God that if it weren't herpes, she would leave him. Time for her to make good.

I told her that I just think it's messed up that he can tell her he loves her, profess that she's the one and not even give her the benefit of the doubt about simplex turning to complex, not consult a doctor for more info or even to confirm her story and at the sight of trouble, be out without a second thought.

She agreed. She still loves him. *le sigh*

She said, "Well, I have that promise to God to make good on and if I renege, I'll only incur the wrath of God on my posterity."

When you put it like that....
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Not So Good News

So, I guess I should blog, right?

Sorry for the absence.

Well, a lot has been going on right now. BFF has genital herpes.

*slaps head*

She said that she and Punjabi pretty much don't wait until she's properly self-lubricated and they don't use protection, so they end up cutting themselves. His cut turned into a sore. He went to the doctor. The sore multiplied into 3 sores.

Nasty stuff.

He's accusing her of cheating on him. She's devastated.

She has herpes simplex 1 aka cold sores/fever blisters that she's had her entire life on her lips. She said that she's careful not to masturbate or kiss him or touch him when she has an outbreak so that she doesn't give him genital herpes. Somehow it happened. She went to the doctor to do a blood test. She has no symptoms.
The doctor told her that if she has simplex most patients naturally get complex (genital herpes). He doesn't believe her. She's like..I'm never going to have sex again.

All I can offer her is prayer and trips to the gym. I have no idea what to say.

Drama.

As for me, I've been in a fog. Not sure which way is right, left, up or down. I'm working through it. God is good.

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