Sunday, April 10, 2011


Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the past and what my future is going to be.

I've also been exposing myselfto a lot of sexual topics (as you guys probably guessed.)

A few weeks ago, I went to an erotic poetry event. For 2 hours, I listened to men and women, gay and straight describe sexual encounters - tastes, smells, feelings. I left turned on and physically hungry but very convinced that I can't wait to get married to get some of that with my husband.

Tonight on, I read a series of stories (5 out of 14) about a shy girl going to have sex with a couple at a nudist camp for the first time. It was tasteful yet graphic. Once again, I thought...half this stuff she's doing to him, oh yea - mental husband is going to be one lucky guy.

Then I thought about The Nigerian. He could make a girl hate sex. His foreplay lasted maybe a minute or 2 and then bam! Penetration. He had a small penis with a decent size girth but sometimes, I really couldn't feel much. He thought he could make up for it by lasting a long time...nope. I kept thinking to myself, "I broke my celibacy for THIS?" It was THE WORST. I told him what I like. I needed more foreplay. I needed oral. I needed spooning, back kisses, kisses on my neck, a bit more passion. He just didn't or couldn't do it. Then he had the nerve (!!!) to post on FB that Nigerians are believed to be the best lovers on the planet. (Side note: Every Nigerian I've ever met have been arrogant as hell for no reason. I'm not saying they all are like that, just the 5 or 6 I've encountered)

He doesn't like going down on women but likes oral himself. So, his solution was to cut it out completely. It just felt like something was....missing. His resolution was to add a woman to the mix. I told him 'no' I don't even know many times. One of the last times we spoke he said, "I found a lesbian to eat your pussy. She can come over next week."

I was so upset.
How many times did I tell this selfish motherfucker no?
While sex usually allows 2 people to get closer, it made me sick - of him, of myself, of us together, of the act itself. There was no talking to TN. He never listened. All he heard was his on desires. He made me feel like a substitute for his hand.

And then I had sex with Carter which was really good but I didn't feel connected to him. Not like Aussie. Not like Afroman - men who loved me, who cared about me. I need to feel some warmth, some understanding.

And now, I'm trying to forgive and heal. I know I can have sex with the next person I pass on the street but I really like the idea of growing sexually with someone. I want to explore different aspects of my sexuality with my mate - with someone I know loves me and doesn't judge me and I want something tangible.

Or maybe part of me is just tired of sharing a bed with someone, teaching them how to turn on the car, rev the engine and take it for a drive and then having them leave tomorrow. I don't think we were created for that purpose.

Anyays, I'm buying my first sex toy sometime this week (maybe), I'm reading erotica and I'm trying to drum up some fantasies that I might be able to make come true with the right guy!

I'm letting my freak flag fly - only at half-staff until someone puts a ring on it.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

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