Someone Like You
I've been thinking about Afroman since BFF mentioned his name in casual conversation last week and I literally flinched. Also, I realize that much of 2007/2008 happened because after we broke up I was missing something. Something that I tried desperately to fill with attention from men. I loved the wrong guy. He's a beautiful man. He was just so NOT for me in that the relationship was so about HIM.
Most of my relationships are about the dude. How can I please you? How can I serve you? This is really nice. I want my relationships to be like that but they should say that about me too. I want to feel sparkly and like the guy is happy to be with me. Like he is lucky.
Because the next guy that gets invited into my bed will be extremely lucky, hehe.
And I really didn't know what I wanted. Seriously, if I had, I would NOT have even considered going on a date with half the dudes I have in the past 4 years but eh, you live...you learn...you figure out what the eff your standards are!
La Roux Said It
"You don't like me, you just want the attention."
I read an article that said that sex is cheap. Women aren't very discriminating with whom they sleep and men feel like they can get their rocks off with free p.o.r.n or the next girl.
Which brings me to Bdot and JD. Both have expressed interest in bedding me - which is nice. Both have their pros. Bdot works with kids, has his Texan charm and is honest with his desires. Without revealing too much, that's a turn-on for me. JD is a super-talented producer whose music really touches me. He's an artist and we know I LOVE artists! And he has locs. I LOVE locs! But they're both lazy and don't communicate consistently. Take me out, show me a good time and I'll reciprocate. If you're lazy in the pursuit of your conquest...I'll know you'll be lazy while conquering...if you know what I mean.
I just aint got the time for no lazy lovers. Been there. Done that. Never called back.
And, really...if I just wanted sex, I'd be all over it, but I want more. I know sex is amazing when I actually trust the person, have seen medical documents and know if I get knocked up, they won't throw me down some stairs or look at me menacingly with metal hangers.
Love is Stronger than Pride
Back to Afroman.
I've forgiven him for all the mistakes he made. I've also forgiven myself for all that I allowed him to do. I really miss him and wish we could be friends but that's out of the question. Children are involved. It would be messy.
I also sorta miss The Nigerian. I know...stone me...go ahead!
All of the sexual stuff aside...he would make an excellent friend/business partner/confidante. I'm working on forgiving him. I just wish we could have a conversation where we could talk about normal things. I will never be with him because...forgiveness aside, I would never allow him to climb on top of me again. But, marketing plans...yes!
Oh yea...and I miss Aussie. That man knows his way around a...never mind. Rawr!
"I can't believe this! I've never seen you like this...ever! You're pouting! You've given up. Omg! Stop. Please!"
I was pouting right into my Pineapple Crush at BBQ's. Twin was right. I had given up. Unemployment is drying up. Freelancing means hustle and bustle and all I've wanted to do these past few *ahem* months is pull the covers over my head and sleep.
I've silently given up on hope. I've even stopped praying about it while many of my previously unemployed friends have found some sort of work.
I feel myself coming up and out of this rut. Hopefully before the next 20 weeks. Let's not wait to the well becomes dry.
Just Do It
I've been balancing bills, fun and hobbies on my unemployment check....paying things off little by little....waging wars with unimportant things like groceries (haven't been grocery shopping in a month) and laundry (haven't done that in a month either). Rocky needs to be groomed before the weather really breaks and my God! his paws feel like claws as he scratches me playfully...he's starting to leave marks. His hair is getting long and while I love a shaggy dog, the other shih tzu owners in the neighborhood parading their freshly shorn pups around make me feel like a bad puppy mom.
Also, I want to do things like travel (!) and eat at restaurants nicer than BBQ's and actually have fruits and vegetables ready for consumption in my very own home! I bit the bullet today and I paid off my gas bill, paid $50 less than the entire electric bill and paid half of my phone bill. Next week, I'll pay the remainder of electric and get Rocky groomed.
Then *drumroll please* I'm just going to pay for whatever I want (driving lessons, plane tickets, new phones) out right and let the chips fall where they may. I will be broke, yes! But not being afraid that my lights are turned off is better than being broke. I'm broke now and I'm playing Russian Roulette with the amount of time it takes to post a check but a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do.
I've also decided to quit Rugby. I love it but the cost of everything - transportation mainly and the $200 per season dues plus, they expect you to mingle and hang out with the team (the nerve!) doing things like drinking/eating costs money I don't have. *sigh* Maybe in the Spring.
In the meantime, I still have my mouth guard and cleats so who wants to play mano a mano?
I have a job interview tomorrow! Pray for me and a speedy non-defeatist attitude recovery.
Not too long, right? Right.
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