today

there are times in my life i feel so utterly lonely.

in europe, i was alone. i was by myself in countries that didn't speak my language. i had to fend for myself. motivate myself when things didn't go my way. i was responsible for catching trains/buses/planes and for every activity i did.

who knew that at home, i would feel like even more alone...lonely. there are people here that i can talk to freely. everyone (for the most part) speaks english but most times, i feel like i have no one to talk to.

perhaps, that's why i started the blog.

i am tired.

emotionally, mentally, physically.

this city drains everything you have.
and then you try to date because everyone in your life has someone except you.
and it doesn't necessarily work.
and you feel like a failure.

and i wonder.. what is wrong with me?

i am beautiful, smart, funny, ambitious, driven...i have morals, manners...i speak well, i dress well, i like sex...at any available opportunity with a partner i trust, i'm all over it.
but i'm fucking alone.
and that fucks with your psyche like...what am i missing?

like, where is my man? why isn't he here?
i'm so tired of feeling so alone all the time.

understanding that alone is different from lonely.

somewhere along this month, i stopped trying to do things. with my book, with my career. everything feels like an uphill battle.

and i just don't know what to do....
i don't know who to reach out to...
i don't know how to make myself feel better...
i feel like being an ostrich and sticking my head in the sand and just giving up.

the only thing i can say to myself is that this will be one of those entries that i will remember later on when i'm happy and shake my head and remember how bad this felt and be glad i felt this bad...because it made me appreciate the happy.

for now, it just sucks.