Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Xmas to u 2!

I been drafting this post in my head for aweek or so. Things have been do busy and we're not allowed to use the -Internet at work I'm reduced to postng via idekick...GGRRRREAT!
Lots of things have happened and I'm hoping it really does get greater later because I can't take this shit no more.

Actually..things have been going kind of great...On the personal frontier that is....For a while EnigmaJr waa living up to his name- not returning phone callse being very MIA...can't say I was not peturbed. I was more worried than anything. I mean he has his gradma and his sister...but I don't want to see anything happen to the tyke. Luckily, ny faith was restored and last night I called. And get this -- he actually answered. Shock and Awe!!! We talked a lot abt personal stuff. He believes his being gay is part choice, part not having any father figures around. I was floored by this whoa. EnigmaJr's got some good shit with him which is why I'm happy he's my son. Plus he's smart. He goes to Columbia. But, its so expensive he's transferring to LIU..which is an equally prestigious school. He's got it together and I love that abt him...look at me bragging abt my gay son....ahhhhhh! That's my really want to be a nurturer. I want to be a good mentor to him but I think that he may be a good one to me...hahaha..his life is more together than mine. So sad!

Me and AfroMan are thick as thieves and loving every minute of it. I'm trying to keep myself in check because I'm overly affectionate. I want to give and give and give but I don't know how to receive. Its a work in progress. I'm happy we're together. The difference between me talking
abt Afro and EnigJr is that I don't want shit to fall apart betwee me and Afro because I know how they can...soooo protectiveof him right now and our relations..

Lets see..
Been spending a lot of time with BestFriend and BestFriend'sCousin. They're not me though. I'm laid back, quiet, and mellow...they're loud and excited and I don't know how to respond to that. I'm selfish. I want bestfriend to myself...but that's not the way the cookie crumbles...glad
to spend any time with her before I forget what the chickadee looks worries on that front. It seems as tho I got what I wanted except the damn day off of work.
This next year, I need to find a job that respects its workers enough to give them weekends and holidays off. In the past 4 years...I haven't been off for more than 1 holiday a year. That's usually something lame like Labor Day. I'm trying to see the silver lining. I'm trying to see
the Sun least I have a job and I'm not homeless. Who knows? This year..I'm all abt the changes. I need to change the way I eat, the things I do, how I spend my money... I need to be more productive this year. I'm going to be 21 this year and I feel so pressured to have my
shit together that I don't even know what to do --- so frazzled!I feel like I'm the ultimate fuck up. If it can be fucked up..I know how to do it. And that's with everything. I used to have it so toigether. I used to know shit. I used to be the person everyone looks up to...but now I don't know.

I'm bitter about this job. My boss is racist...but he's not. Its weird I know. Its that racism that allows you to befriend someone and use them for what you need them for and yet in the back of your mind, you have these preconceived notions about them. Our brothers are dying. Our
communities are suffering and I feel powerless. I understand what my foremothers felt. Just like shit is in shambles and u have no tools but your hands and ur mind to fix it..but have no clue.

On top of that...on days like today where shit is hella slow...we're expected to twidle our thumbs and watch each other.
Management is a bunch of white men who know nothing about business but have this idea about what they want it to them. Which means that their workers are always ready to take take their shit and say it don't think of nothing else but how to be better for the
business. I hate HATE that I'm not going to last very long there. The people other than the pricks I work for are great. This job has made me (flowerchildfreeloveextraordinaire) racist. Its made me not like jews.
Its made me see bureaucracy for what it is. I feel like someone else is standing on my back.

Anyway...I was determined to have this post end on a good note since it is Christmas and herrrreeeee goes!

Every other aspect (kinda) of my life is ok right now. I'm not cold or hungry or excessively broke. Jesus loves me. So does AfroMan and friends. I'm living one day at a time and excited about my future. I'M READY FOR MY LIFE TO BEGIN, PLEASE! (Feeling like all this time..I been watching previews waiting for the main attraction..and I'm ready for anyting..bring it on!!!!)

So don't let the world get ya down. Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold. Remember why you came, young grasshopper. Experience the warmth before you go....

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