I don't want to have to answer to anyone but God. Even with Him...its like having a credit card...u do shit and pay for it later. Question is..can u really afford the consequences?I have so many decisions to make...so many choices. I've been depressed on some level for the past year I think. I came into 2006 with some heavy burdens...feeling unhappy..forced into shit. Spent the whole year mimicking that feeling. I'm lost. Worse than that, I'm lost in the dark wiith no flashloght.I shower strangers with more love than I do my own family. Strangers in the relative sense that I don't really know them--- what makes them tick, their entire story. well..maybe not..to my fam I'm a stranger. They don't know shit abt me. Thank angers me. I want to retreat in myself. I want to start over fresh. I want to be enveloped in love. I want to feel appreciated. Maybe there is a void thay was created when my parents died. A void that can't be filled.I don't wanna answer to anyone but God.....
He called yesterday on some hey-type thing. He's not trying hard. I'm sorta trying. I can see failure in our immediate future. Feelin like no one loves me. On some woe is me shit. Mind u....spent the whole day with twin#1. Twin#1 is a good gay male friend of mine who everyone says resembles me. Anyway...loved being with him all day. We slept, ate, watched a movie....talked, hit each other,tickled each other.....great...but now, I'm slumped in this depression.Sorry...went off on a tangent....With Phil..he just wants me for my assets...I kind of want to but think its loneliness...can't tell what my own intentions r...damn!
"Its been too long. Come let me hold you." That's what I feel abt him....I know in my heart that I love him. I know that I need him on some level but in my heart...I'm afraid to take that step..more like leap...into love into hurt into the unknown. Or maybe that its getting cold and when it gets cold that's when these needs come up...need to connect. Need to feel loved. Need to be held....I wonder if he can meet these needs or if I'm asking for too much...am I? I just want to wrap myself in him.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift.- mantra of the day