Robbed...

I felt the danger. I felt the awakening of something that in my heart of hearts something was not right.
I saw them walk past me as I gabbed on my phone. I felt my heart lurch as they walked up to me confrontational yet maintaining a ruse of friendliness. I don't speak to women outside of my work, my family, and the handful of close friends I have. Yet... I gave them the benefit of the doubt. The shorter one snatched my phone. The taller looked shocked for a moment and ran as well. The adrenaline pumped and I ran after them..knowing danger in the back of my mind. I saw a flash of a knife, a gun, an angry fist coming toward me in my mind. We fought. She tugged at my purse, in her attempt to get more from me. We fought more. Me..The gentle Juicy..I realized she was with child..the taller of the two. I let her go. She called me a name. I thought of the child she carried inside of her. I thought how sad. How sad to jeopardize a life.How sad to taint a new life with an event so ugly and how quickly and easily I subdued her. How quickly and easily I could have scarred her life....I could've done anything to that creature inside of her. I thought how anything could've ended my life. I am worth more than a $250 Sidekick3. But, then the storm clouds came as I walked to the precinct. I looked into the eyes of the detective who was empathetic. The rain fell down from my eyes.
I walked home..half numb...
Questioning why.
Why would so many things happen to me? I've lost so much. I've lost so much in my life that I don't care about losing.
The rain stopped falling and the clouds are leftThe only things I treasure are AfroMan, BestFriend, my life, my face, my body. Eventually the latter 2 will fade. That loss will come with time and with time I will adjust.
I know that it was an inanimate object, but it was my portal to the outside world...it was an unwavering confidante. I held many thoughts, conversations, notes, pictures, reminders in there.
It was taken from me violently.
I am trying to get over it slowly. Yesterday, the entire scenario ran through my mind like a looped video all day.
I have my distractions today. I still feel like I'm banging up against a wall. I have no phone. My phone is never interrupted for non-payment. This is the first time since I can remember..probably my college days where my phone has been off. To think, my stepmother said that if I had stayed with my other phone, I wouldn't be in the predicament that I am in when I asked to use the home phone. To kick someone when they are low. That's her nature...
Cest la vie...yet I'm still stifling the anger. The clouds are parting.

Defeated....

Today...I just feel really defeated. Like I've fought and fought and fought and its no use because in the end....it doesn't matter....I never get to do what it is I set out to do. My birthday is in less than 2 weeks...and I was siked becuase I had everything mapped out as to how I
wanted everything to be for me - from head to toes...literally...from dinner to dessert to drinks...literally..I've never had a Happy Birthday...where I can say everything went the
way I wanted it to...or I was able to do exactly what I wanted...I could never say that I went to bed without wanting to cry on my birthday...never!

I thought this year would be the first year I could say that and that for the first time in forever I could do what I really wanted to do...and enjoy myself...but no! Not this year...so the question there-in lies...if not this year then when? When will it finally be my turn to have fun..laugh...enjoy my birthday...as i,m writing this on the train...I'm blinking back the tears because I feel so damned shitty about my life.

The reason why I can't have the birthday I planned for is $$$.First off...I just became permanent at my job..I thought it wouldn't happen til after but what that means is...is instead of having a weekly check..its bi-weekly and I get paid this fri and then the fri after my
bday. *super*
Then....I owe $233 on my cable or its scheduled to be disconnected on feb. 4 (the day of my birth) AND I owe $178 on my phone by this fri (pay day) or my phone and my
BestGayFriend's phone will be turned off...

Speaking of BGF...he won $500 on Sunday...do you think he offered $20...$30...$50 to go towards the bill? No! Knowing that the bill is due and he told me he went over the minutes...I'm so upset!

To think of all I went thru when he was locked up...all the stress...all the shit I do for people and I never get any of it back...I wouldn't even mind not getting it back in monetary form...just a little karma...

I gotta fight for everything I have....so tired of fighting!

changes..cha a a a anges!!

So...
Some interesting things are happening to me.. I can feel the changes in my attitude..my mood...I can feel it coursing through my veins like new blood.
I am becoming a woman....sorry...that was a little melodramatic.
But, I feel my womanly wiles more often than not these days. It's an amazing feeling.This year has been a roller-coaster ride already. But, I feel strong. I feel like I can handle it..bring it on!!!!
(ok, that was a little cheesy..couldn't resist)

There's this interesting thing happening...with me.
I feel sexually alive. It's because of Afroman. I want to do things with him that I'm too shy to speak of outside the bedroom. I have these fantasies that I want to act out. I'm not really scared because i know he's not going to reject me...anything he wants to do..anything..I'm down and I mean that..maybe its a little scary but whatever...
It's that I'm finally unafraid to love and I'm in a secure relationship...:BIG SIGH:

Let's Reflect....

I've had to deal with some crazy sons-of-bitches...in my past.
It hit me as I was reading this one woman's blog. She details how her ex
is a lawyer and she has to be in court at least once a month..he spit on
her while they had sex...he threatened to kill her and her friends...he
was a total maniac and I reflected on not 1 but at least 2 crazy exes
who could mimic that same situation...not of course to that degree..but
dammmmmnnnnnn!
I've been hit before..threatened more than once...almost assaulted
sexually...craziness...I'm pretty. I'm clever..sometimes
funny...intelligent...but I don't think that I warrant that reaction if
I choose to leave. Hmmmm....I don't think it was my beauty or
intelligence...wit or even the poontang that caused this, more so, I
think it was those men's need for control. We do date our fathers? No?
My dad wasn't controlling..but he did have his ways. He never hit my
mom..but he did have a temper that I graciously inherited. He never was
threatening or menacing to me...I always remember his smiling and
laughing but I could imagine.
So in thinking abt all this in relation to who I am...and who I'm with
and the logistics of it all...I'm blessed. Afroman is not going to beat
my ass, threaten to kill me or even give me a harsh look. He's a
gentleman..he's a gentle man. Part of me thinks on some level that I
don't deserve him..and I'm learning to appreciate that in lleu of what
I've gone through...I do deserve it but I just gotta try not to fuck it
up!
Which is harder than it sounds for the #1 FuckUp
herself...Juicy...lol..that's what I'm calling myself from now
on...Juicy..it fits...no? Lol...

Today I feel....

I feel defeated. As if everytime I punch in, a little part of me dies just slightly. I hate this job with a passion that I reserve for Afroman...for God (sometimes)....

"GoodAfternoon, thank you for calling (daytime location) " as I rhetorically pull down my pants and allow myself to be flogged just a little bit more.

Pieces of me die slowly....how do I escape this? I have obligations now...financially. No kids yet but I feel as though I do.

I need my own apartment. I want a car. Those things symbolize independence.
I want to pull my friends up from the bottom to where I am but I can only do me.

Someone called me the sweetest person that they know. I laughed hard. On the inside, I knew it was true, but I have all this agression on the inside. I have no idea where this has come from or what it will metastasize into...interesting word - metastasize...look it up..yes aggression..is like cancer. if not dealt with immediately..i feel like it can grown and infect other areas of your life.

my thoughts are really dark today. "charlie murphy's sad..." lol

feeling kind of helpless....my situation is driving me now. feeling kind of teary-eyed...trying to keep it together. another day of dark clouds...
feelin like my life is a run-on sentence...right about now.

tired...so tired...
tired of being there for everyone.
tired of looking happy on the outside.
tired of being used for everything.
tired of being perfect.
tired of being together...just want to fall apart. throw a tantrum..cry..kick...
but i can't ever..
Good Afternoon, thank you for calling (daytime location).....
{dying inside piece by piece}

Who are you?

Funny how I looked at my buddy list for the first time n a long time...started deleting people and also reading their away messages. My friends are extraordinary people. They've gone to France, Africa, England..all over...and many of them, I don't talk to anymore except for
the occasional 'hi' but I wonder abt them from time to time.

Who are you now?

Happy Anniversary!

Even though its not really an anniversary....to me and Afroman!!!! 1 month strong which lately for me is a record...hahahaha...but yea..this one's a keeper...

Great great day

(Written on 1/16)

Thinking of a new approach to my blog...wondering if its not real
writing...I'm capable of some really nice writing but I've chosen to
keep it generic..hmmmm..I only know that 1 person for sure reads this
blog...so............we'll see if any changes come up

I had a lot to think about this week. Life is expanding and growing and
all that good stuff. I'm brooooooooke.
Yes this sentence was hella random but hey!
I'm broooooke....like I have $6 in my pocket til friday broke and its
tuesday. I would say I've never been this broke before but the I
remember college days but that's different because I didn't have to pay
out of pocket directly for things like food and transport.
I gave BestGayFriend my last $$ but then felt like a sucka after because
it was pointed out to me that if I didn't have it, he would've gotten it
from someone else which is more than true...what's done is done. I
guess...but bills are weighing heavily on my mind. Cable is due. 3 phone
bills (don't even ask). 2 credit cards that are canceled but I'm paying
on so that I don't get hauled off to jail for non-payment (that doesn't
happen but my credit will be fuuuucked)....2 tons of drama
abounds....once again..feelin like a sucka. So far...God is good and I
have been eating...but I'm accustomed to having $$ just in case I want
to see a movie or buy a soda at work or hell I dunno actually tip the
food delivery guy...I can't take this blow to my self-esteem...who does
being broke hurt? you...on the inside.
Uggggh! Why oh why am I a good friend? A friend to someone who is in
Atlanta having fun. I don't have any children. Why am I taking care of
grown folks? I don't know...job is never done!
Double uggh!
What else is the bizness?hmmmm....
I dunno falling deeper for Afroman..is that possible? We had a wondeful
conversation. That was a beautiful surprise...a goodnight convo lead to
something more. Glad we still have that. I keep saying I fell for a
friend. Yay! I'm lucky yup yup...
Unrelated...I feel like eceryone is staring at my big drag hair I got
going on today which is a little unsettling but that's the life of the
ridiculously goodlooking..hahahaa...
Missing some folks I shouldn't be missing...but its all good. Life is
cyclical. If I stand still we'll meet up again...no?
Trying to live life...the best way I know how....*sigh*
Onward and upward....

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so goddamned stressed today...this year has been shitty to say the least..and we're only 2 weeks into it.
WTF?
Already my good friends have been arrested and held in jail for 6 nights 7 days, my grandmother is in the hospital, financial woes have been weighing heavily on me, and now a good friend of mine has gotten into an accident and has a broken rib and strained hip.....

that's it for now..my head is pounding...

Train Boredom/annoyance

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
[1] Why do stare just speak bitch ass ******?
[2] Why if God is so merciful..do I not have a mom, a dad and basically
no one?
[3] Why people call me bougie when I'm just plain ole LaRue?

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
[1] sidekick...trusted friend
[2] pen and paper...I might feel poetic at any moment
[3] Some type of beverage...I need to stay hydrated

THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
[1] Blogging These three things...*grinz*
[2] mean grilling everyone
[3] wondering y I can't be selfish

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
[1] Publish a few books
[2] Have a life-defining love affair
[3] travel

THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
[1] Love without reservation
[2] type really fast
[3] cut someone in half with my words

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
[1] Reflective
[2] neurotic at times
[3] opinionated

THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
[1] Swim
[2] Lie to myself
[3] let go easily

THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
[1] Intuition
[2] umi says by mos def
[3] a trusted friend...

THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
[1] People that incessantly speak ill of others
[2] Narrow-minded fools
[3] False Prophets, self-proclaimed Messiahs

THREE THINGS YOU SAY:
[1] chile
[2] I don't know
[3] ok

THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
[1] Macaroni & Cheese
[2] chicken (anyway u cook it...fine with me)
[3] Chocolate

THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:
[1] what true love feels like
[2] How to swim
[3] crotchet

THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
[1] pepsi
[2] mt dew code red
[3] sprite

THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
[1] Knight Rider
[2] love connection
[3] family matters

THREE THINGS YOU WISH PEOPLE WOULD LEARN TO DO:
[1] Show more respect generally
[2] Cut the bullshit
[3] Stop believing everything they hear (damn!)

THREE THINGS I WOULD CHANGE ABOUT ME:
[1] be more selfish when it counts
[2] I'd procrastinate less
[3] I'd be more patient…with life

THREE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BEING A WOMAN:
[1] being soft
[2] freedom to change my look/attitude at will
[3] being able to show emotion without feeling like a sucka

THREE THINGS THAT MAKE ME LAUGH:
[1] dirty jokes
[2] irony
[3] life

THREE THINGS I LOOK FOR IN A GUY (OR GAL):
[1] Intelligence
[2] Compassion
[3] Inner Strength

Lust....

Afroman and I have been going on strong for the past 28 days...I know its 28 because our 1 month anniversary is 2 days away not because I'm chronicling our love affair or anything like that....but I'm itching on the inside for some good loving. These past few days that we've seen each other have been intense wonderful experiences. I'm longing for his touch..his warmth...him!
I mean we HAVE known each other for 7 years...the last 4 of them being the ones that have counted so its not like he's a complete stranger. BUT I don't want to make the mistake of him bedding me too soon. I want our relationship to last and I don't want the sex to get old. I'm wet just thinking about him inside of me..touching me...feeling me...teasing, licking, sucking.....ahhhhhhhh!.Maybe I'm extra sensitive because I haven't been "touched" in 4 months. I don't know what it is....I just want it.

Happiness...you can model it....

(A post from 2 days ago on my sk worth sharing...)

AfroMan and I had a great date last night. I really am happy with him. Not saying that my happiness was ever a question with him...but if you've been hurt as many times as I have...you start to question your own judgement as well as the existence of good guys out there...but I am
happy to say I'm happy :)

Just hoping I don't fuck it up....that's the hard part...4 days til our
1 month anniversary...yay!!!!!!!

Listening to: Promise by Ciara

I just wanna be with you
I would give my all to you
You can be my teacher I do homework
You can give me extra credit I'll do more work
You can be my superman
Save me! Here I am!
There's nothing I won't do to spend my life with you
I'll give my all to u
I promise I will never lie to u

U and me together
Picture perfect
I spend all my money all my time bcause ur worth it

Ahhhhhhhhhhh....the feeling of new love!!!

A slub in lub

Some days I wake up and am so thankful for Afroman. He's wonderful...there are those times we fuss at each other and I just want to give him away...but I look in his big beautiful brown eyes and its ok because I know that I love him and he loves me just as much.
Ahhhhhhhhhh....a slub in lub...yup that's me. Happy while it lasts...want it to last forever! :] sooooooooo in love...so loved....so happy!

Stress will kill you!

Sooo much shit has happened...Ok....on the 2nd of the year, BrotherFriend was arrested with his lover. Yes...BrotherFriend is gay. I didn't hear about it until the next day...where an entire week of going to court, dealing with bailbondsmen who are not nice people at all (double underline that), and trying to raise bail money ensued. It was horrible. I was so stressed out! At
night, aside from getting 3 or 4 hrs...I was grinding my teeth so bad that by the time I woke up..my head was killing me. This entire experience taught me to cut your grass everyday - the legendary statement made to Lil Kim...cut your grass so you know who your friends truly are.

After 7 nights and 6 days, they were released. Yay! co

But then my EnigmaJr was robbed and my grandma is now in the hospital.
Grrrreat!

I need a vacation!
Is God trying to challenge how strong I am mentally? Food for
thought...
At the end of the day...can you say you were the best person you could
be?

funny

funny what people will do to get ahead in life.
funny what people say to make sure that the backlash doesn't land on
them. maybe it's me. maybe my nature as a person doesn't congeal to what
others say and do. i was taught never to throw another person under the
proverbial bus. i see that everyday.

it's funny how people stay out of your face when they know they've done
you wrong.

it's funny how things become crystal clear when someone smacks you in
the face. through the hurt you see things differently.perceptions are
mangled and matted anyway...things take on a different shape.

it's funny how we allow circumstances to stifle your voice..sap your
energy.

it's funny how bureaucracy works..

it's funny how good people aren't so good when it comes to money and
business. maybe they weren't really good to begin with.

it's funny how a closed door can make someone feel so powerful.

it's funny how we allow ourselves to be reduced to someone's bottom
line...someone's percentage - their number..

funny how we get comfortable in our unhappy existence.

funny how unhappiness is linked to wealth and success...

funny  how some funny things aren't funny at all.