So...

Can't sleep.

Decided to respond to all of your comments via post.

Firstly...

Thank you all so much for commenting. It means you care (*tear*)

Most of your comments were helpful, comical, and generally joyous to read so..here goes. Responses to comments left on the last 3 posts.

Liz (who will forever be Jirzygirl in my heart) and I are gonna ride in a whoop-that-ass caravan through hoods in the Greater Tri-state area reminding children everywhere to respect their elders. We are pioneers, folks, pioneers!

Ladies, with the brazilian, I don't think I was brave as much as I was naive and gung ho about trying something new. However, it is a good starting point to keeping her bare - if you want to go lazy on the shaving tip for a second.

Jane, awww thanks! You're adorable, too.

Young woman, you are so correct when saying I wouldve never thought about wanting him if he hadn't given me the speech. For that, he's a sucka. My head was in the clouds, as usual, not even worried about defining shit.

Chris, I will definitely be adding the phrases "bogus ass conversation" and "sexy time" to my normal everyday linguistics. You're awesome.

Neemie, yes...I should run far far away. I told the same story to a male (gay) friend. The first thing he said was Baggage! He's got Louis Vuitton trunks and ish. I fell out but its true. But, I'm not done yet. There are some things I can do to/with him that someone normal might not let me do. I think I need that. Plus, I was in the desert and I'm in the middle of a mirage. Let me get some.
I do give you the right to say 'I told you so' if he ties me up and never let's me go free and am forced to blog via blackberry with my nose.

You too, YW. Amen on the mixed messaging.

Chris....on my iPod: that playlist that day:
Lykke Li - Little Bit, Dance Dance
The Kills - Black Balloon
Whitney Houston - I'm Your Baby Tonight (my all-time fave song of hers) I Wanna Dance w/Somebody
Mos Def - Umi Says (favoritest song ever!!!), Panties, There is a Way
Talib Kweli - Hot Thing
Blackstarr - Brown Skin Lady
Common ft Ceelo - G.O.D. Gaining One's Definition (the dopeness is unbelievable)
Outkast - SpottieOttieDopalicious, Take Off Your Cool, Vibrate, Aquemini, ATLiens, Elevators (me and you)
Sam Sparro - Pocket (dopeness), Still Hungry
Janelle Monae - Violet Stars Happy Hunting (weird but cool)
N*E*R*D - Spaz, AntiMatter, Yeah Yoy, LoveBomb, Happy, RockStarPoser
Rihanna - Breakin Dishes
Gnarls Barkley - Neighbors, Blind Mary, Smiley Faces
Gym Class Heroes - Sloppy Love Jingle (pts 1 - 3)
The Pierces - 3 Wishes
Jill Scott - Crown Royal, One is the Magic Number, Gotta Get Up

(I have an everyday playlist of 150 songs...so thjs is a fair representation of my daily rotation)

Ok, damn Liz is on the run for the hills train, too. Can't piss off my whoopin ass partner. Hmmm....its something my friends and I call PPS (Platinum Pussy Syndrome). We give it to 'em good and either they propose marriage (yes, it has happened 3 times between the 2 of us) or they get crazy...I think I will have "the conversation" with him which is wayyy too soon. But, oh so necessary. Sheesh!

E - don't do me like that...bye dame! So cold so cold...lol

Liz, E, and YW: you guys like the pics! Thanks...I will keep these up...just for you! (Maybe)

Torrance: I didn't know I was a whore either. BUT, I did display whoreish like qualities, so I can't truly be offended because I jumped on him like he owed me money - regardless of any excuse. So....I can deal with whatever his opinion of me may be - no matter how harsh because...it is what it is. As sugarfree as it came.

Hi Monie!!! Thanks!!!

Welcome, Charles!!! After staring at a computer all day, sometimes the blackberry is just easier to write on...I dunno..its just so handy because I can really THINK!!!

Anywho...I think I addressed everyone...

Still not sleepy...must be this month's bout of insomnia kicking in...

Muah!!
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Is it Wrong?

Addendum to the bogus convo we had (thanks Chris)

Dame asked if I liked children.

I do.

Good, because if you're gonna be with me, you're going to have to deal with my kids. Even if we're just sleeping together.

Pause.

On one hand, I respect a man that's down for his kids. There's nothing sexier than that. BUT, if I am "just sleeping" with you, why would I meet your children. I don't want to be apart of their lives. I just want to see you between the hours of 11pm to 11am respectively which means the kiddies should be asleep.

If I had a child and was still whoring around town, my child wouldn't know anyone unless I was dating the person for a significant amount of time and knew they'd be sticking around.

Hell, I don't give anyone a blog moniker until they make at least a 2nd or 3rd appearance in my life...

What do you guys think?

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Day 4 of 4 day Weekend

Gotta enjoy it
And for your viewing pleasure...
Me feelin like sun goddess yesterday.
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Now that I think of it...

(Read Honesty Box before you read this post)

As I was writing, I was thinking....

I don't want him.

He's old(er). He can't do marathons. He smokes (blech). He doesn't live alone. Besides the serious torch he's holding for his ex, he has 4 kids. He's unemployed - recently fired.

The effort that it would take to support him emotionally right now is immense. Something that I can give, but don't want to - not to him. After that little speech, why would I?

With all things said, it seems like I'm really wasting my time. Perhaps, I am. For now, its fun. Like most things, he has a shelf-life. I give it 2 or 3 more encounters and I'm done.

Only time will tell...
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Honesty Box

Is an application on Facebook. I always thought it was absurd to have an application that asks your long lost high school friends and detached college friends to tell you what they honestly think of you. In that respect, I have no respect for women having the honesty box. In relationships, however, the need is overwhelming. And this is to say, honesty on both sides.

Personally, I advertise myself as fillet mignon, when I know in my hearts of hearts that if he buys it, I will be low-grade hamburger meat. Which is just my crude way of saying that it is never cool to trap folks. Don't say you're looking for a friends with benefits relationship when you're secretly planning your nuptials in your head.

It never ends well.

Brief anecdote: 2 weeks ago, Kappa Guy text me asking me of my plans for the night at about 6pm. I told him I was going to a mutual friend's bbq. He informed me he already had plans but wanted to know if later on he could hang out by me. Against my better judgment, I went all passive aggressive and told him "maybe."

Last week, he text me saying he was offended I never fulfilled my maybe promise.

I told him point blank: I have no intention of sleeping with you.

He feigned offense again: Damn, why you gotta go there?

I said: I'm sorry. Just don't want to play games.

He said: Well, damn, that means I can't put moves on you. You're so irresistible.

There was no need for me to say anything else.

My favorite phrase comes from the movie Baby Mama: I'm old enough to know how these things go.

Last night, I saw my one night stand. I will call him Dame Dash, solely on the strength of him having that grown man belly that 90% of men of a certain age bracket have.

He began to take pictures of me. Nothing too risque. I was wearing a very tight and short black dress on.
I got shy all of a sudden. We started watching a movie and that quickly deteriorated when he asked if he could tie me up and I complied.

The look on his face - ahh if it could be bottled up and sold as pure joy and surprise - I would be rich.

He just moved his bed in and hand the rope from when he tied it to his car in hand before I could rethink my decision.

He tied my hands above my head and my legs apart. He smiled such a huge Koolaid grin, it was impossible to not to play the part. I struggled against him as he hovered over me kissing/licking/sucking me all over.

He mounted me and punished me for being so bad.

It was fun, to say the least, being all tied up - feeling vulnerable.

I asked him ever so sweetly to untie me so we can go doggy-style. After he did, we play fought for a little bit. I'm violent (what can I say?). He spanked me as he drove into me from the back before he couldn't hold it in and came.

We both settled down and I turned off the tv. I just wanted to be silent with him. He was fidgety. We spooned. He hugged me close. We were both restless.

"You're just a big ball of energy," he commented.

"When women cum, they get energy while men just want to drop off to sleep," I reasoned.

"Not all women. Just you."

"I guess," I said as I straddled him and slapped him.

"You want to fight lil mama?"

I nodded.

He flipped me over and held me.

"I can't believe I'm so comfortable with you. I like holding you. You're big but you're not fat. You're tight. I like that." I smiled as he nuzzled his nose in my neck.

He fondled me. I love your body. I felt that all-too familiar poke in my back that let me know he wasn't lying.

He lay on his back but he was standing straight up. I straddled him. He moaned, grabbing at my breasts. I worked him as hard as I could. I hopped off (lol) and lay on my side. We ended up a sweaty heap. He place his head on my stomach, the rest of his body between my legs. I played with his dreads. He kissed my stomach, licked inside my belly button, and rubbed it.

"This is called belly worship. Anyone ever do this to you?"

"No."

"I love your stomach. It goes for my love of pregnant women."

"Gee thanks."

"No, not like that. You just have curves."

We laid like that for over an hour. I almost fell asleep when he got up.

"I'm too old to fall asleep like that."

He complained of his back. I gave him a massage. He moaned, laying still, completely relaxed. He turned over and I ran my fingers up and down his torso. He said I found a new errogenous zone.

And then...out of nowhere...

Honesty Box

"What are you trying to do to me?"

"Hunh?" he could've slapped me.

"Are you trying to give me the good shit so I will marry you?"

I laughed, hoping he was really joking.

"Nope. No offense, but umm..I don't want to marry you." (The reasons were almost too many to name.)

"Good, because I don't love these hoes."

"Hmmm.."

"Not saying you're a ho. But...I only loved 2 women in my life. My ex-wife, I still love her but she's crazy. I offered to get back with her in January, but she spazzed out. I quickly changed my mind. Other than her and the other one, I don't love these hoes. So, I'm not trying to get married. I'm not looking for anything serious. I just don't want to be hurt again. Don't hurt me."

I was flabbergasted. I said nothing.
I didn't mind the innuendo of being called a whore. Indeed, my behavior warranted that and I'm really not fazed by it. The other stuff..wow.
He let me know that no matter what. I will not be let in and you know? That is fine.

Above all, I know where I stand.

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My Crotch Hurts

Friday, on my lunch break, I got a fabulous idea.

Brazilian wax.

Gi and LP looked at me crazy.

I'm gonna do it!

I walked into the spa, nervous. Virgin to this whole process. The hostess walked me into the room that looked like a doctor was about to examine me.

My heart was pounding. I began to rethink my decision. I stripped down and laid on the table. The Middle Eastern woman came in and smiled.

First time?

I nodded.

"We'll use the sugar instead of the wax. Less painful," she smiled.

She poured the sugar-lemon-honey concoction on my nether region. She patted down the strip and

Rrrrrrrripppppp!

I yelped. Ready to close my legs and head for the door. For the next 20 minutes, this was repeated.

I cursed myself.

Why oh why did I think this was a good idea as the solitary tear slid out of my eye and down my face.

"Look!" she smiled, proud of her work.

Smooth like a baby's bottom.

LP and Gi was at work smiling at me as if we shared a secret.

"Why'd you decide to do it?"

"If you wax it, they will come," I responded cool as cucumber....
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Volunteer to Beat a Child

I was walking to the train station and these children were outside and I guess the threw something at a white guy's feet. He tripped. They said..."Aha! You look dumb."

I was shocked. Shocked!

It was the first time I've seen a white person openly heckled, in the neighborhood which is becoming more and more gentrified by the day.

Another person (black) tripped as well. More heckling.

I thought to myself..

Where are these kids? If their parents aren't here and I take off my shoe and bust them across the mouth, their mamas would probably burn me at the stake, but it's perfectly okay for them to be disruptive and disrespectful.

I shook my head.

Then, I thought, if people volunteered to beat a child's ass more often, the world would be a better place.

Who's with me!
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Ever notice...

When you want one person to call, everybody and their 3rd cousin comes out the woodwork?

Sex is like potato chips. the more you have, the more you want.

A dude could be so sexy until he opens his mouth.

Hunger doesn't hit until you lay down.

People who eat healthy think they're better than you.

No matter how much a woman tells someone its just sex...it never really is...

You never really know someone.

Situations are never as bad as we perceived them to be.

Kindness sometimes is a weakness.

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Self-Sufficient

If you don't already, you need to read this brother:


raw dawg buffalo

I absolutely love this post.

It reminds me about why I loved my father so, what he taught me about men, and why I love men as a whole.My dad could be called a lot of things, but he was always a provider and that is the one thing that I look for in a man above all.

You have kids? Really? How often do you see them? What do you do for them?

Even...

You are alone? Do you work? You don't work, ok, are you hustling?

Because. If I am working every day...so are you. Even if your job is selling water on the street corner, you will be doing something. No one gets to lay up.

I just looked at my timesheet and I worked 98.5 hours within this bi-weekly pay period. If I'm a beast and I don't have children, BELIEVE that if/when I do, I will go that extra mile for them.

As much as I love Afroman, when he couldn't pull it together to find a job, and I generously gave him 3 months, I lost all respect and there was no future for us.
Leaving him was the hardest - I thought he was my soulmate, but how can that be when he's sitting on his ass and he can't even provide for me? (In the literal sense, since he was practically living in my house)

Anywho...
I love men. Men who are men. Men who are about their shit. Men who are smart. Men who can do for themselves. Men who can do for their family. Men who are strong mentally. Men who can stand tall in the midst of their flaws. Men who are emotionally available. Men who are spiritual. Men who are kind. Men who are respectful and aren't trying to demean or belittle.

I know my place.

(on a wild tangent...I can't stand a cold-hearted fool. I don't have time for games. I can't guess at who you are. Show me. So...it is what it is and that's real.

bad girl

make me what you want me to be
lover
transform me into your lady of the night
friend
let time recede and all consciousness erase
it's just
you and me
what would you like?

let me go the extra mile



(damn, i got distracted - eff work)
oh, well..unfinished..

attraction

i look for you behind me
to feel the fullness of your body
your breath on my neck

and i

start to shiver
start to breathe quicker
start to shudder

to think

you are so close
you are right here
with me

and i long to kiss
i long to suck
i long to drink you in

you slow me
you take me down

my body thirsts for you
in the moonlight
i become

animal

i become something different
under stars that will never tell

secrets of lonely nights
filled with thoughts of you
fantasies of blissful evening caresses
and morning kisses

i wish for more

depth

someone i could fall in
like
with

and my heart beats faster
and my head spins
and i am so convinced

i'm tip-toeing the deep end.

So....

I deleted the last post because it became "Oh So Embarassing!" and he reads my blog and can't get caught out there like that....

I didn't disregard your comments.

But,ummmm...yea

I Sacrifice for Style, but this is a lot...

Monday Monday

My one-day weekends are getting to me something serious. But, alas, this weekend will be not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 days. Yay!

I want to do it all!!

I know Saturday will be spent going to the laundromat and to the grocery store. I want to go to a club/lounge that night. Sunday, I want to go to the zoo or a museum. Monday, I want to go to 6Flags. Jirzygurl, wanna skip work and go with?

I am seriously broke until Friday. This week will be interesting as I need to find money to borrow from SOMEONE.

Can't remember if I blogged about this, but my friend is staying with me for a little bit. He's young, gay, and talkative.

My mom has requested she meet him, which is fine. She says she doesn't agree with his lifestyle choice. I've been putting her off as long as I could because I think she's going to say something embarrassing.

This morning, she calls me to ask about him again. Then she says.......

*drumroll please*

She's concerned because there are young boys next door and she doesn't want anything to happen to them.


I was in shock and awe.

She continues to say:
You know he wasn't born like that and if someone can do it to him, he could do it to someone else. People embrace gay people instead of questioning it and you know its not right.

I said I have to go. My temperature was rising and we all know there is a special place in Hell for people who disrespect their parents. But, I've always wondered about parents who disrespect their children or ministers who judge everyone. Hmmmm...

I.
Can't.
Wait.
Til.
FRIDAY!!!

I miss having my apartment to myself. I miss eating my own food on my own time. I miss not always having someone else there. I'm selfish with my space, I know..which is why I don't have children. Also...I talk to people all day..my office is so noisy. When I go home, I just want to lay back and listen to jazz or write or just BE.

I'm grateful to be alive right now...so just let me shut up and drag my ass into work....4 more days to go....

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SWB pt deux

So...
He had the tv on while he left me in the room naked. The show..48 Hours was on. It was getting really interesting when he came back in a towel around his waist. He has dreadlocks that go all the way down to the small of his back. He is a big guy...with arm muscles and a defined chest, but a little bit of a belly.

Are you really 22? I should've checked your ID.

He turns off the tv shoe (aww), puts on a porn dvd and pulls off his towel (ooh). He sits down in front of me. He was umm...average, nice girth.

I liked my lips and buried my head in his lap. He moaned and pushed my head further, fucking my face.

He stopped and motioned for me to lay on the bed (which is an air mattress - he's in the process of moving). Sit on my face. I leaned over backwards, so we could 69.

It was fun at first, but I'm rusty and my jaw was hurting. I got up. Put the condom on him and mounted. Not saying a word.

He smiled wide. You are so sexy.

We went at it for like 40 minutes. He got up.

I need a break. This is why I don't mess with younger women. You are wearing me out.

I laughed.

He drank a little. Smoked a bit of his blunt.

He pulls my legs open and starts fucking me missionary style. The eye contact is ridiculous.

Did you cum?

Yes.

Ok.

He pulls my legs back, as far as they will go and he pounds as hard as he could.

He's finished.

I get up and start putting on my clothes.

You're not going to spend the night?

I stop. I lay down.

Spoon me (I say half-jokingly).

He obliges.

I hope you don't snore, he says.

Only when I'm worn out.

The middle of the night, I roll out of the bed. He hugs my waist.

Bathroom.

We wake up the next morning.

You do snore, he says.
I laugh. We kiss. He spoons me again. I forgot how much I love having a big man's arms around me. He's warm and full.

He starts to fondle me. I get turned on. He's hard.

Morning wood?

I mount him again. He looks like he's enjoying it. He stops. Umm..it's flaccid.
He gets up. Goes to the bathroom. He comes back. We try to get it going again.

I'm sorry. I told you I was an old man. I'm tired. He kisses my lips. He nibbles my neck. He stops.

Is there anything I can do for you?

You were on the right track.

He sucks on my breasts. He spreads my legs open and places my feet on his shoulders. He eats me out for about a half hour.

Lawd!

I had to stop him.
I had to get home to shower and change for work. And..yea

I just laid there, not wanting to get up.
Needless to say, I've been exhausted.

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SWB

Yes, ladies and gents, I have been a victim...to what you ask? Sudden Whore Behavior.

Sounds harsh?

Well, yes...we are often hardest on ourselves.
And yes, we've all had tendencies where we've done something we won't dish to our friends about.

...And that's why I have this blog.

That's why I'm anonymous.
And if you a. Know me and don't want to know this side of me or B. Have a virgin Mary idea of me...you may want to stop reading now.

So, I met a guy. He was cute. He's 37, divorced, with 4 kids. Yilkes! He offered to take me back to his place. He was very complimenting of me. He said he wanted to do nasty things to me. There was a gleam in his eye and I couldn't very well say no.

That's when I had a case of SWB.

I went to his place. He slowly undressed me, starting with shirt. I stood with my back to him. He unhooked my bra. My first thought was "Weee! Boobies."

He took of my pants and thong and as bent over to take off my shoes, he spread my cheeks apart and fondled me. He told me to sit on his lap. He was rock hard.

Kiss me.

I did. It was perfect. If it were whack, I wouldve put on my clothes and headed for the door.

Lay down.

I did.

He spread my legs apart.

You know how to masturbate?

I nodded.

Show me.

I began soft and light, not sure of where he was going with it.
He licked his thick fingers and traced my strokes. He, then inserted one inside.

I moaned.

Damn you're tight. Let's see how many you can take. He inserted another. I moaned louder.

How long has it been?

I thought, "I don't know. I have to check my blog."

3 months. He said...damn, that's sad.

He kneeled before me and licked my pussy. All I could do was lean my head back and enjoy.

He got up. He said, "I'll be right..."



»»»»To be continued««««
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One Liners

Hey Keli! Hey CHris!

Where is your cell phone? desk
Your significant other? non-existent

Your hair? short

Your Skin? chocolate
Your mother? amazing

Your favorite thing? make-up

Your dream last night? blank

Your favorite drink? pepsi

Your dream/goal? writer

The room you're in?office

Your ex? flawed

Your fear? failure

Where do you want to be in 6 years? published

Where were you last night?bed...

What you're not? perfect

Muffins? tops

One of your wish list items? car

Where you grew up? Brooklyn

The last thing you did? drank

What are you wearing? dress

Your TV? off

Your pets? wishful

Your computer? dell

Your life? rollercoaster

Your mood? grateful

Missing someone? always

Your car? ChevroLEGS

Something you're not wearing? panties

Favorite Store? MAC

Your summer? stressful

Like someone? maybe ;-)

Your favorite color? purple

When is the last time you laughed? today

Last time you cried? weeks

Match. com is looking real good + Get Your hand out my pocket + creepy and kooky

Yesterday, at around 4, I left work. I had 3 hours to go and I couldn't see it happening. I had hankering for some mashed potatos, cheese, and broccoli and that's exactly what I had - with bbq chicken. I relaxed in front of the tv and watched Ironman on bootleg dvd. It was really good. (Even with GwynPaltrow in it. She's a good actress but something about her just screams POMPUS BITCH)

I had vanilla ice cream and orange sherbert. Yumm.

Dinner was so good!! I never like my own cooking, but I have to admit, I put my whole foot in my meal...lol.

Several thoughts hit me, though, as I was eating alone, watching the movie alone, having dessert alone, and ultimately went to bed alone.

I don't have to spell it out, do I?

Yup, it sucks, but I'm putting on a brave face.

I looked on craigslist (the poor man's match.com) to see if I could find someone under their ltr (long term relationship) section. And ummm....

I emailed this guy:
ISO OF A BBW BLK WOMAN WHOSE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING REAL (LTR) - 27 (BKLYN, QNS, BX)

He said:
Hi, my name is Cookoo. Do you have a full-body pic?

I obliged.

He said:
What's the point of writing me if you're not going to respond.

I resent the pic.

He said:
I have your pic already, why didn't you call already?

I said:
You never gave me your info.

He said:
Yes I did. Maybe you're hitting up too many guys at the same time.

I said:
I will forward every e-mail you sent.
I assure you I don't have your info.

He said:
Why are you playing games.

I said:
LOOK, I don't have your number and if its not in the next e-mail, don't bother e-mailing again.

Oo you know this fool e-mails me 7 times between 3:00am and 5:00am, different variations of - this is my number, when are we going to hang out, this is my number, you can't say you don't have it, why haven't you called yet.

I e-mailed him at 8am when I woke up.. It was plain and simple: Please do not contact me anymore.

He said:
Whatever, I already told you not to contact me. I forgot about you a long time ago.

I had to delete his message before I really told him something serious.

Crazy.

I slept well, but woke up to my roommate (another story completely) bursting through my door at 6am telling me he's sick.

I had a good 6hours, twice the norm for the past 2 weeks. I'm STILL tired.
I don't think it's me per se. I think it's this stupid job.

I detest authority and I thought it was because I don't like to be told what to do. In fact, it is because I don't like the superiority complexes "authority figures" have. I am one of 2 African-Americans in upper-management. The other is a male, and let's just say he's "assimilated". The others, besides a female Spanish lady are all Israeli Jew, South African, or Romanian. I won't say it's race. Maybe it is ageism or sexism, but to get them to hear me speak is like I have my head underwater.

I need another job. Plain and simple.

Something preferably creative, where I won't be taking a major price cut.

Thngs that make you go hmmm...

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Tired

I've been working overtime almost every day for the past 2 weeks. These 2 weeks, I've also worked 6 days straight. I've told my boss I need an assistant. He's basically ignored me. Last night, I had board meeting for a ball my house is organizing. I got home at 1:30. I was supposed to be at work at 8. I woke up at 9. My eyes are crossing as I write this.

I wanted to call out so bad, but I have a presentation to give to the CEO.

I am plotting a vacay for next week.

I just need a little R&R.
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Makeup Stains and Shades of Gray

Aren't I pretty? Strangers tell me that on the street. It must be true, right?

I'm feeling a little melancholy today.

I need to quit because when I'm stressed, I clench my teeth. I just caught myself doing it so hard, I gave myself a headache. Arrgh!

I suddenly don't feel like talking about it.

Will post later...
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20 Things I've Realized

1. I've come to realize that my legs....
are so sexy and thick.

2. I've come to realize that this weekend...
Da cookout of the summer is finally going down

3. I've come to realize that when i'm driving...
I'm in the passenger seat, so I don't drive

4. I've come to realize that i need...
more money and a man with a slow hand

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
tolerance for stupidity.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
I'm in the middle of a situation that I have no control over

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...
I'm giggly and happy!

8. I've come to realize that money...
is something I can never have enough of but doesn't necessarily make me happy.

9. I've come to realize that certain people...
are just miserable

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be..
an overanalyzer, a worrier, a bitch, and the life of the party

11. I've come to realize that I have a crush on...
a co-worker who has trouble written all over him.

12. I've come to realize that my mom...
is one of the strongest women I know and the shadiest

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is..
not as important as I thought

14. I've come to realize that when I wake up in the morning...
I am hopeful for a great day

15. I've come to realize that last night before i went to sleep...
I wanted to spoon a hunky man..

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...
all the shit I have to do.

17. I've come to realize that my dad...
was human and I miss him everyday. The hurt never goes away.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on myspace...
I try to be more hip than I am - which is a lot of hip

19. I've come to realize that I really want...
to be in a creative field

20. I've come to realize that if I died today...
I should've eaten that sundae, fucked that guy, and slapped that bitch..(sorry for the vulgarity)

I Dream of Jane?

A few days ago, I dreamt that I was on a school bus in full schoolgirl garb when across from me, sat Jane. In true mean girl fashion, she called me a loser for backing out on our plan. Out of nowhere, she grabbed me and we ran out of the back of the bus. (Oh yea, in 4 inch heels)

We ran to an abandoned warehouse where the police were swarming the building. Jane ran, jumped out the window into the building across the street. She yelled for me, but I was displaying serious bitch-assness. I stayed and the police handcuffed me. A few minutes later, Jane was being brought back, accompanied by a drag queen I know (in full schoolgirl uniform and 4inchers). They took the handcuffs off and put house arrest ankle bracelets on. We all stood up and started doing a runway walk in the abandoned building.

Then, I woke up....

Weird.

So, Jane, this goes out to you, since you're obviously my dream girl!

(I was going to post my favorite Jane posts, but I'm lazy and busy at work - not a good combo)

Color Quiz

Nina took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Considers the existing circumstances disagreeable ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

New Look

How ya like me now?

Thought it was time for a change.

Only thing is...my blogroll is gone. My popular blog series is gone...

So, I must rebuild.

and..I will!!!

If you really want to help me, you can do it by commenting so I don't have to go through my history.

A Brief Step Away...

Having Theo around this weekend was...

A lot of fun.

My phone was broken.

He fixed it.

My toilet was stopped.

He fixed it.

I had heavy bags.

He carried them.

He held my hand. We talked all night.

It was like having my best friend on testosterone.

I had a dream we slept together.

It was disturbing, but I wouldn't have minded.

Theo's boyfriend would've.

Still...Distracted

Hello,

It is me.

The left side of my brain telling the right to doze off in the middle of that really boring meeting.

I'm in chill mode. Or at least trying to be.

This weekend was so relaxing. My friend Theo came to visit me this weekend from DC. It's interesting to be around people who are not from here. Even in the way they walk down the street. It's so...slow.

Theo and I began our adventure on Friday afternoon.

We embarked on what most call HAPPY HOUR in the village.

For it to be July 4th, it felt more like a Sunday than a national holiday or maybe national holidays feel like Sundays. I've worked every holiday for the past 4 years, I can hardly remember what it feels like.

So, we first started out at Maracas on Greenwich Ave.

24oz margarita for $7.50.

Thank you very much!

8 oz margarita, $4.

I should've stopped there.

We started toward the pier - our intention to look at the fireworks on the pier.

Theo had another idea. Stop in every bar on the way and take advantage of their happy hour.

The first bar we encountered..I would never have gone inside. It was lily lily white. There was a man on the outside who told us he flew nothing but first class on British Airways. All other arlines were shit.

We got a rum and pineapple which was really smooth and our friend Matt went to use the bathroom. He came out. His eyes were wide. The bathroom door had a huge window in it, where you can see all of someone's manly bits, if you chose to. Did I mention this was a gay bar?

Yes.

So, this dude comes up to us.

"You're so beautiful. Let me get a picture," he says to me. He sounded like Austin Powers for real.

I took a pic.

"Your friends are hot. Let me get a picture."

We obliged.

"Let me get another solo pic."

We all laughed. It got a little weird when The Foreigners, "I Want to Know What Love Is" blasted through. We left.

We walked a little further.

We walked down to the Hangar. They had 2 for 1 drinks. Kamikaze's all around.

Whoa.

By this time, Matt was soo messed up. We wobbled down to the pier. Matt began to throw up. It was horrible. He could hardly walk. Thank goodness Theo is strong to carry his body weight.

We try take a cab to my house. The driver refuses to take us because Matt is making gurgling noises like he's about to puke. We get another cab. It takes us 20 minutes.

We finally get home. Theo takes off Matt's clothes and throws him in the shower. He's awake now. We get dressed and go to the club.

I wasn't really feeling it, but I had a good time. I was tired, dehydrated, and a little hungry.

..TO BE CONTINUED...

Worthy?

Sometimes, our hearts are so damaged and our heads are left spinning. Sometimes, our things just escape our grip. Sometimes....
It all is beyond our control. Sometimes, its all too hard.

And then, a glimmer of hope comes and we forget ourselves. We forget we're worthy of love, of tenderness, of happiness.

I haven't forgotten.

If happily ever after is a place, I'm just on a detour.

Sometimes, you have to be your own glimmer of hope. Sometimes, a blogger is just someone who writes well. Who is smug and arrogant and can't open up. Who connects on the surface. I tried to pull you from your pedestal and instead, I toppled over.

Sometimes, a man is just a man.
Sometimes, a need must go unfulfilled.

Sometimes, lust is not enough.

I am a damaged dreamer, swimming against the tide - my hopes buried deep in my chest. I am worthy of love. Of care. I can not be cast aside like yesterday's news.

And in that, I lay down my pen tonight.

Sometimes, you must simply let go.
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Struggle

A funny thought entered my mind as I was walking to the train station. After I wrote my suicide post, Jane wrote her post and she posed some interesting questions. Are we weak as a generation?

Yes.

I think society as a whole has diluted the minds of young people with its MTV and lack of family values.

We see Sweet 16, the Hills, Gossip Girl, and we think we should live this way. It is our right. And then...


Reality hits us in the stomach...

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