tectonic plates

there is a shifting going on inside of me. a move in my attitude. an awakening.

after i wrote that blog post, i made two calls.

carter.
i told him i might want to get back with the nigerian and that i still wanted to sleep with him. he said..."flow with what you think is right. whatever you want from me, whether it is a relationship or just sex, i'm here. i'm yours..if you want me." he said he would come by today (friday) to take care of my little itch.

the nigerian.
he was in true nigerian form. cagey. busy. withdrawn. he answered the phone and spoke to me as if nothing had changed.

i suggested we meet and talk in person. he said...why, when he was listening then.
"did you think you lost me?" no answer. "repeat the question." silence from me.
"do you still like me?" "i don't like anyone." "i'm not just anyone." "i like everyone."

irritated but voice still calm.
"are you really going to play this game with me right now?"
"i'm not playing a game. i don't like this feeling. like you're pressuring me."
"im not pressuring you. i'm just trying to see where i stand, how you feel about me."
"i can't do this now. my head is not here. i have an event tomorrow. i'm tied up doing stuff. maybe we should talk in person."

exasperated.
"that's what i said."

we agreed to meeting on monday.

and then i started thinking.
fuck the nigerian. here, carter is handsome. he's funny, smart, ambitious, driven, and most of all.....
he talks to me. he listens to me. he opens up to me.

WHY would i leave that to go to someone who is distrustful, uncommunicative and in recent history has not been very nice to me?

WHY would i even come to carter with that bullshit?

WHY would i jeopardize carter for the nigerian?

because i'm an idiot.

i woke up today. went to target. got a pedicure. cleaned the house, changed the sheets, called carter.

he "forgot" he was supposed to come over. either, he's pissed at my decision to go back to the nigerian or he really wanted to play madden. he asked if i wanted to come to his house and play madden with him. O.o

i passed.

i told him i was an idiot for wanting even for a second to go back to the nigerian and that we will talk on monday because i need....closure. he understood.

but, my bed is empty right now.
the wheels started turning in my head and i realized that my attitude is changing back to the person i was 2 years ago.

after afroman.

enter blair. enter dame. enter aussie.

these were the people i slept with thinking that i was empowered and could handle a fwb situation. the blog was so steamy. your monitor would fog up. these people hardened me against men. i picked up the mantra..."i'm doing me and you just because." this attitude drove me to celibacy after aussie.and celibacy has driven me to carter who is taking his time because he likes me. which i appreciate..but only marginally.

and celibacy has taught me that carter is a gem and to appreciate him.
it has also taught me to control my urges. my willpower is amazing. but lately...as in for the past 3 days...i've masturbated like a madwoman...feeling like those first few days of celibacy again. also equating my situation to being let out of prison fearing being put back in.

either way, there is a new me emerging. she looks like old me.
ruthless, cunning,exacting.

she's got some new traits.
fearless, assured.

this is slightly scary.

face the music

Brit left today and I was finally able to have more than 30 minutes of silence in my apartment. It was time to face my feelings as I've been running from them for the past 2 weeks.

What The Nigerian did was fucked up but it was cultural. In English, I was told that 'but' in a sentence cancels out what comes before it. In this case, that is not true.

I finally told Brit what happened before she left. Being from Ghana and dealing with Nigerian men before, she asked me some hard questions. Questions, I didn't want to ask myself.

Do you like him still?
Yes.
Some parts of me say he's weird. He is the polar opposite of Carter. He doesn't talk to me. He's guarded. He's constantly testing me. He challenges me in ways I haven't been challenged before.
He's awakened something sleeping inside of me that no one else has for a very long time.

Do you think you could be happy with him?
Yes.
If we could find a comfortable place where we both set aside our pride. At this point, that's what it is...pride. I would have to swallow my words, my feelings and go back to him. I've never done that before. In the past, "We're done." Meant that we were done and I didn't have to say it THREE TIMES!

Are you done with him then, completely done?
No.

Do you think something is still there?
Yes.
Whyyyyyyyyyyyy? Why do I miss him? Why have I thought about him every day? Why did I delete all but one pic of us and I gaze at it every other day? Whyyyyyyyy? He's not nice.

Brit told me I should give it another try. I should see where it goes. She can tell he's been hurt before and he's not going to open up to me right away and if I'm willing to put in work, it may pay off. She says....I'm not handling this well because I'm not used to doing any work when it comes to guys and yes, I'm right. Things should be easy but he's scared and that fear is what's driving
him.

I've been pondering Jaded's comment all day...(I listen to what ya'll say)

Don't sleep with Carter.

My first reaction was...Well, why not? Since, lovely Jaded wasn't around to ask...I asked myself.

Because you don't sleep with a man you've been kissing and dating just once and think he'll be satisfied.

Not to toot my own horn but even encounters intended to be 1-night stands turned into months-long dalliances. You can't have just one potato chip.

In my mind, I want to sleep with Carter once and then go back to The Nigerian. Not sleep with The Nigerian for a couple weeks to get our heads straight and then boom...everything is pink again.

Life doesn't work like that, so....
I have to say no to Carter.

Seriously, he was as I called it...a happy distraction and now I have to tell him I'm going back to the ex.

The feminist in me says...to leave TN alone, have sex with Carter and let him know its just sexual and then...find another boyfriend...

We all know, that's not what's going to happen.

Maybe I'm going to learn patience. Maybe he doesn't want me and just wants to give me my book back. Maybe...it won't end we'll. Maybe it will.

I just don't know.
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lose control.

i went out with carter again tonight to a mixer where people from the entertainment industry go to network. it was so EMPTY when we got there and the host was pressuring us to buy drinks. on our way to the party, he asked me about my boyfriend and i told him. he was shocked. he could tell that i really didn't want to talk about it and so he made a joke about how i would seek revenge on him or something that lightened the mood.

carter is really fun. he's talkative, cute, tall, easy to be around and everyone loves him. i was telling him that i kind of felt guilty when things didn't work out with the nigerian. minus the big event that led to us not being together, i kind of felt relieved that i finally found someone i could call my boyfriend without hesitation. i felt like my friends are always with someone and i'm the eternal 3rd wheel. they kind of just dive into relationships and my love life is more revolving door than escalator. i REALLY don't want to be that spinster friend.

carter said that there's nothing wrong with my dating habits and that i should take this time to date. i should be wary of people who have boyfriends just so they don't have to be alone.

thinking about my love life, this past year and a half and even before then...i would say ever since i broke up with afroman, 3 years ago, my life has been very controlled. even if it were something that i couldn't control, like my job...i mastered everything in my love life. part of me feels like i've forfeited the chance to really explore and see what i want.

i'm not sure if i'm handling things well. by nature, i'm not a "spill your guts" kind of person. and so, the people i tell what happened, they feel real protective anger behind it and i feel like they want something from me...i'm not sure what it is. in true aquarius nature, i've emotionally detached myself from it because i don't understand the reasoning behind someone taking anything from me. also, i've never been in victim mode where i feel sorry for events i can't change. i'm just not thinking about it. i really don't even want to talk about it anymore unless its in this space where i can analyze my feelings when they come. knowing me, they won't come for some time. when my dad died, i didn't cry about it for a whole year. i just kind of shut down emotionally and i don't know how NOT to do that. i love my dad fervently.he was my best friend for a while.

and then there's carter. everyone knows me and tn broke up, a handful know why...but even on the surface, like..ok you and your bf just broke up about a week ago and you're with someone else. i'm not with him. carter told me straight up...his divorce is almost final from his wife. he's not trying to get into a relationship. i respect his honesty. i'm wondering if carter is a rebound or if he's what i really need right now. he's a listening ear, if there was ever anything i wanted to say, he gives me tons of affection and i'm really attracted to him and will probably sleep with him on friday or something...i really can't wait because if the sex is as good as the foreplay, it will be explosive.

i don't want a relationship. i want to be free. i want to fly at a moment's notice.

but either way..this post is about whether i'm dealing with the demise of the relationship, the "big event" that caused that demise properly. i don't know.

the whole thing with carter...i'm going to take some bad advice from Brit. She said...
"You're young. Have fun first and see if it will work later." Maybe its time for me to loosen the reins a bit and live a little.

i'm hoping my disjointed thoughts made sense...sorry guys...i usually formulate these things bettter.

unplugged.

not having my blackberry has kind of forced me to remember my thoughts and formulate blog posts in my mind instead of tweeting whatever randomness that comes to me.

it is a welcomed change...

to not have my phone vibrating every 3rd minute with an email, a bbm, text, @ reply, dm, whatever...

but...not having my blackberry means having to wait til i get home to put those thoughts in this space....

i'm exhausted...

but i will share this!
what is a woman's worst fear when she has her period? that she will bleed out and on to a visible surface: clothes, chair...etc

that happened today.

i was watching the final cut of the movie at a friend's house and apparently, my pad twisted and i bled through my underwear, through my black dress and onto my friend's white leather couch. THANK GOD it was leather and not really a porous fabric, like cotton or something where it would stain and 2, I was able to clean up quickly before anyone noticed.

MIND YOU...I was 1 of 2 women in a room full of 20 gay men....try explaining that!?!

geeeeeeeeeeez!

Close the Door

I say he was acting as if he didn't have time for me and wasn't taking my calls. I say he was only calling me for sex and food.

He says...He was doing business with Brit. She fell through on her end of the bargain. She made it seem like I was going to call him and make him continue with their business arrangement. Instead of being rude to me, he ignored my calls. He said he wasn't calling me specifically for those things, it just so happened that he was horny and hungry when he called.



I say The Nigerian forced me to have sex with him on Sunday. He told me he would rip off my underwear if he had to. I let him take what he wanted until he tried to do anal. I told him to stop. He didn't stop. He did it anyway. I felt violated.

He says...it was foreplay and he could tell I was enjoying it.

I say...I'm going to forget you exist and you should forget I exist. You want what you want and you don't care about anyone else.

He says..I make quick judgments and that's what ruins things for me. I can forget him as I wish but he refuses to do so.


Either way, he stopped calling and texting. I know how I feel about the situation. I know how I feel towards him.

Tonight, on a whim, I decided to invite some folks over, make tacos and watch a movie. I was feeling so stressed out not to mention yesterday, my phone broke. ANOTHER blackberry quit on me. I went out and bought a little flip phone for $30. i invited Wynsters, BFF, Toni Childs and Carter.

Carter looked really good. He was hugging on me and kissing on me all night. It was really intense and if I had not been on my period...things would've gone far....

Carter is a good egg. I don't feel any of the negativity that I felt with The Nigerian. I can't lie...I was sizing the two of them up together. Carter helped me clean up a little. My friends love him. He talks to me. He listens. He talks to my friends. Everyone loves him. He's attentive. We were making out like teenagers and I didn't feel like I had to put out. I didn't feel anything but good and wanted. I didn't feel like if I said no, he would be violent or aggressive. I didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells. He was exactly what I needed.

I asked BFF to take him home. She text me to say that he asked her to drop him off at a party around the corner from his house...I really wanted to reply..."I don't care. He's not my man. I don't want a man. He was fun for the night..." I just said okay.

The thing with TN made me so angry..for a moment i was really hating men but I can't hold on to those emotions for too long. That goes against my nature. I dealt with it and now, I've chosen to let it go. I'm at a crossroads where I need to analyze my place in life on all levels. I need to move. I need to be free. I don't know where anyone fits in that. I'm trying to find where I am first.

The quick chapter with The Nigerian is done. Waiting to see what new door slide open.

I am doing much better.
On my way to okay.

I'm Not Ok

People have been asking me how I'm doing and my usual response is.."I'm fine." I swear...it could be like that scene from "Their Eyes Were Watching God" when the hurricane came and they were swept away in that house and I'd answer, "I'm fine."

I had lunch today with Twin and he really wanted me to spill my guts to him about what really happened with The Nigerian. I had a face on. I couldn't say anything. I don't know why and then all of a sudden I bit into a piece of bacon on my bad tooth...the one that needs a root canal and my entire body started shaking from the pain. Tears came to my eyes. I can't even describe it. Emotions that I've been holding back came up in that second and all I could think is...

I'm in pain in every way a person could be. Physical, emotional, spiritual...just pain. I'm not okay.

The only person that knows the full Nigerian story is BFF. Maybe one day when its not so fresh, I'll share in this space but...for right now...please just pray for me.

BFF sent me a text asking me how I am and I told her for real: "I really want to be alone in a dark room gaining 15 lbs but that's not going to happen. So, I'm out and about doing what I have to...right now I'm at SB's event. Its a benefit for LGBT youth. "

She said: ":( I don't know what to say homie. I'm just sorry you're going through this right now. I feel like a bad friend. Like I saw you walking into a burning building and didn't rush to snatch you out. The only thing I can do now is treat the burns. I'm sorry."

I said "Not your fault. I knew I was playing with fire but I chose to ignore it. I'll be fine."

And I will be (fine). I'll deal with the 101 activities I have going on. Next week Friday will be my 1st day free (maybe)...until then...good thing I'm a makeup artist and can paint myself happy and glowing. One day, I won't have to do that either.
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back to black

I cried all night last night. I got maybe 4 hours of sleep and then spent the day chauffering my grandmother around…literally, the entire day from 11am to 6pm. A little while after I got home, I had a BBM conversation with YW that pretty much confirmed everything I was feeling towards The Nigerian. Strangely enough, he hadn’t called me all day but had the time to have a full conversation with Brit this morning (albeit not a nice convo but still…)

It dawned on me. I got played.

He allowed me to think that I was in a relationship with him so he could get all the perks of one (from me) but without the work (from him.) While I was investing into “us” he kept investing in “him.” YW told me I should just fade off…no contact with him because if I tell him how I feel, he’s just going to talk me back into something with him which is true. So….I deleted our little pictures off FB, deleted his number, deleted him as a friend off FB and am trying to delete him from my mind.

I ran to the Beauty Supply store and got some red hair dye…and stood outside the barbershop looking like a stalker not sure of what my next step was going to be. I need a change. I need something. I got home and picked up the life-sized teddy bear my mom got me my first year in college and cried my eyes out. Cried because all I really want is what he was selling to be real and not hollow words. I want to be loved. I cried because I allowed myself to fall for it. Twice. I allowed myself to be vulnerable.

My next thought was of things I want to do. Part of me wants to not have sex for a while and another part of me wants to have sex with Carter when he comes into town on Friday. Both would feel like acts of spite . Part of me wants to be an angry man-hating woman who keeps her heart in a castle with a moat and a dragon. Part of me wants to desperately believe that love is not real. The other part of me is the wishes really hard that it is real and wants to love unconditionally.

I can detach myself at this point. I’m not in love. I’m just bracing myself for his backlash. His 50 phone calls…his emails..his craziness and I have to remind mysel that its not me that he wants…per se..he wants to know that I am there, under his thumb where he can see me and no other man can have me. He wants to have sex with me at will. He wants to trap me with a child. He wants what he wants and he doesn’t care about me, my feelings, my dreams…

Now, I have events to go to…emails to send, a houseguest, people I promised I’d have drinks with, BFF’s 25th birthday next week, events I have to help plan…and all I want to do is crawl into a tiny ball within myself. All I want to do is sit in a dark silent room and scream or cry or just stare into the darkness in my own thoughts. But I can’t.
Such is life. Such is my life, anyway.

Release Me

(Another long one. I need to vent)

. I'm still dealing with stuff from the film. We needed it finished by Thursday. The director is in Mexico on vacation and he can't work on it and we're kinda screwed. My grandma is telling people she's not going to have a place to live. Why? Because I fell through and didn't take her to the bank today. Actually, my ride fell through. My mom called me crying because 3 of her cousins have died within the past 2 weeks. I've had a house guest with me since August 2nd, Brit and she's messy, whiny, bratty and talks too much. Other than that, she's a lovely girl. Being the quiet recluse I am, you can see the conflict and now we have a mouse terrorizing us. I blame her. The Nigerian and I live our lives in the gray area where he's not calling me as much but says we are together and I should feel secure but most things he does doesn't make me feel very secure.
Yesterday, I got my wisdom tooth pulled out. It hurt so bad. I usually don't feel anything but I felt the dentist rip my ish out. Now the bottom tooth is hurting. He says I need a root canal. Also, it hurts to yawn/open to put food in my mouth. I just can't win sometimes.

I had a thought of giving everything up and getting a regular 9 - 5 job. I feel like I'm failing in every part of my life and I just want to run away.

I'm not happy. I've been wanting to cry since Saturday and I don't know why. I'm hoping I'll have my period next week and that'll explain my emotional state.

I've been severely unproductive lately. What is wrong with me?

Everyone counts on me for everything and I'm just not on it like I used to be. I can't be everything to everyone but that's how I feel...like I have to be because who else will?

I just want to run away.

I know I already said that but that's just how I feel. I'm supposed to talk to my bf about my anxiety and what I'm going through but getting him on the phone for more than 5 minutes where we both are not busy has been a feat these past few weeks. Our schedules have us (when we finally have a minute) at his apartment, exhausted or having sex. We talk about bullshit. Mainly because we don't want to think about anything else going on when we're together.
I'm not really completely comfortable with our sex life. Part of me feels rushed into having sex in the first place and so I didn't get that chance to build that trust with him. Also, there's the thing with his age. He's 29. He'll be 30 in January and I think his man-clock is ticking. He babysits his friend's daughter and wants a child of his own. He keeps saying he wants to make me pregnant. I ask him why when he doesn't really know me well. He says because I am a nice person. I told him I'm not ready for a child. If I were to "slip up" and become pregnant, I don't know what what I would do.

Sometimes, I don't think he hears me. Or rather he hears but doesn't listen.

He has a habit of saying things jokingly but I take them seriously. I told him that I take everything he says seriously.

The other night he said, "I don't give a shit about anyone."

When we were together on Sunday...I told him that hurt me. He says.."Oh you're not anyone, you're Nina."

Then I went on to ask him if he were sleeping with other women. He says yes. I ask how many. He says 10. Maybe more. I ask..are you wearing condoms? He says no. I just started crying. Clearly, he was joking. I blame the hormones. He said...Are you acting or are you serious? My face gets all red when I cry. (Yep, even though I'm pretty dark) I'm like. I'm serious. Why do you say things that will hurt me when a simple yes or no will do? He held me. I don't think he apologized. He never apologizes. He just held me. I feel like a fool for crying in front of him. I never cry. I don't want him to think I'm soft but if anyone should know that side of me, it should be him.
Right?

He's guarded in so many ways...its frustrating. Like...on a random conversation...we were talking about each other's nicknames...he calls me ogbanje (long story) or Ni-Ni. I just shorten his real name. I was thinking of calling him BammBamm from The Flinstones (but he's never seen it O.O). Out of nowhere, he's like "I'm the king" and I repeated it. Then I said "I'm the queen." He shook his head no. I was like why? He said I haven't proven myself yet. I said, I am a queen. You just don't see it yet which is unfortunate because I really am a good woman. He said, why? I said because I just am.

Another issue is that I've never orgasmed through penetration. Of all the sex I've had...it feels good but I've never had the big O with a penis inside me. He's not that great at oral sex and he's ummm... not that well-endowed. (Neither was Afroman. When will I fall for someone who's swinging? Lol) Actually, Aussie was umm.. packing but never sealed the deal. I don't know if its psychological or anatomical or what but he hates that he hasn't made me cum. His solution is that we have a 3-some with either a woman or a man and have that person make me cum. He prefers a woman but he says its my choice. I've been entertaining the thought but I can't imagine him watching me have sex with another man or me watching him have sex with another woman. Every time we have sex he's like...oh imagine having a woman here to lick our nipples or if she were eating you out...I told him I don't want to add people to our relationship. He says its me and him and its just sex but I don't know. I don't want to give in only for him to want to do it regularly.

I just don't think he's invested or investing in this relationship. Every time he's about to, he pulls away.

I was going through so much today and I couldn't even talk to him.

There's so much on my heart right now. I'll just end it there.
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Sheesh!

There's soooo much going on and my mind has been in conquer mode...not really blogger mode...let me see if I can put things in order.

So many things I need to say...so many stories but I can't really tell it all. Just wrapped the movie I wrote the screenplay for...it was 3 weeks of filming from 6pm -6am, I'd get home at 9 am. Sleep at 10. Wake up at 4 and do it again.

It was torture.

In the midst of that, The Nigerian and I have been back and forth...we both like each other but couldn't decide if we want to be together or not. He still wanted to date other people. I didn't. He wanted to have sex. I didn't. I told him on Sunday, I don't think we should see each other anymore.

He plead with me. We did this same dance last week where he said he didn't want to be with me and then begged me to stay.

I went over to his house last night. He hugged me tight and kissed me. He looked into my eyes and said, "Don't leave me." I looked away....

I sat on his bed.

"If this is going to work, I need to bend a little. You need to bend a little."

He said, "I have bent in ways you don't even know."

He stood me up. We danced to Zousk music which is like dirty dancing. He breathed me in and kissed me.

He dropped to his knees and took off my panties. He kissed and licked me. He unbuttoned my bra from underneath my dress. He pulled my dress over my head. He held me. He kissed me. He licked at my breasts. He laid me down on the bed.

We...had sex. He suggested we take a shower together. We went into the bathroom. We took of our clothes at TN turned on the water. We kissed and hugged. Touched and felt the mist on our skin. We were all hot. We got in the shower. He took his washcloth and shower gel and washed me...each part of me. We talked.

I asked..."Why can't I let you go! I can let anyone else go at the drop of a dime."

He said he could tell. He said he was the same way but he can't let me go either.

I joke he was falling in love with me.

He said he does bend for me...he doesn't kiss, he kisses me all the time. He said he doesn't do oral but he goes down on me. He doesn't understand why. He says he's afraid of a relationship...I say that I will always be honest with him...even if he doesn't want me to. He starts saying things..poetry. It was beautiful.

I thought he was a Leo. He's an Aquarius like me. It makes a lot of sense.

We went back to the bedroom. We got all dirty again. I told him I plan on leaving the country and living in different places. He asks if he can come. I say No...I want to have a bf in each place. He says...I have too many male friends.I think like a man.

We said a lot to each other. Fell asleep cuddled up. In the morning, I asked..."You still want to go on dates and hang out with stupid girls?"

He says, "No. You're my woman."

I guess...it is settled.
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