relaaaaax

"So what are you guys now?" BFF asked post-whatever with me and Aussie.
"Nothing," I responded.
"What are you thinking?" she asked.
"I can do better."
"You're right."

Aussie is like a nice sugary sweet glass of lemonade when you're thirsty. You really need water but you like sweet things and so you drink it knowing it will satiate you for a while but the the thirst will creep back up and you'll want water.

Sounds bad but true and we've all done it.

There is something specific that I'm missing from a man. People tell me to seek Jesus and all that...I haven't really sought Jesus specifically but you can't really pray your voids away. I think I got disappointed when even Aussie couldn't fill that void.

"You dating someone?" my friend JK randomly asked me on our way home from church the other night.
"Kinda. I like him because he reminds me of my dad in his gruff way but my dad could spell and use proper grammar."
She laughed so hard!!
"I wonder, 'Is the person I'm trying so hard to be with...does God have someone better waiting for me when I'm done trying to be all up in his face?'" I said and then asked her if she asked herself the same question. She's been with her boo for years.
She said the answer changes daily. The spelling thing is her pet peeve too.

Anyways...there is a specific type of man I see myself with - that tantalizes me - that makes me melt but these men who embody that are all taken. I found myself stalking this dude's relationship on facebook feeling super-envious of what they have (from the outside) and I had to tell myself to relax.

Later, when I remembered I was Christian, I thought of 1 of the commandments:Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that [is] thy neighbour's."

RELAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX Homie! Relax.

I know one day in the future, I'm going to read this and remember this time so clearly - time of restlessness in my spirit and insecurity in every aspect of my life and I'm going to shake my head, tell myself at this age that it works out in the end, kiss my kids and my husband and chuckle about how a mess I was.

Until them....relaaaaaaaaaaax homie.

Weekend Gallivanting

Friday was spent taking Grandma around all day paying her bills. I really wanted to hang with Aussie but I was going to be tired and Saturday, I had dance and Work so...it was out of the question. He was disappointed but I can't continue to run myself ragged.

Saturday, dance felt more like a workout than anything else. It felt good. I miss pushing myself physically. Work has been a struggle for me just trying to keep up my personal morale...because once I stop caring...that's it.

The new girl Vi makes $1 more than me
..$2 more than the other girls per hour and she was silly enough to trust Daria (who got fired for not showing up ) who told Shy who told Monroe who told everyone else, made a big stink and went to HR about. She then also threatened to sue for prejudice because Vi is light-skinned and 10 yrs younger than her. I told her not to use the race card. I think its unnecessary....she said she'd do whatever it takes to get more money. #kanyeshrug

Sunday morning, I got a new dog. His name is Louis. He's a friend's friend's dog. The girl moved and her new place doesn't allow dogs, so she's giving him to me for a decent price which I'm paying off in installments. #teamBrokePhiBroke

He's a 2 year old shih tzu who is tan and brown. He's house-trained and since he's 2 , he's less playful but he's so loving. When I first met him, he just climbed in my arms and positioned himself like a lil baby.

Later in the day, Aussie came over. I made tacos and we watched Love and Basketball. I've always wanted to watch it with a dude. We were snuggling and I fell asleep. ha!

And umm...we kinda did some stuff. WHICH HURT LIKE HELL!!!!

Omg! We tried some penetration but it was so painful! and...I started bleeding so we stopped..

I also told him I want to get back together. So, we'll see.

All in all...weekend was a big win.

Racial Epithets

The Friday before last when Sol, Cora and I went to the club, we had an awesome conversation about hair. Get 2 natural-haired girls together and best believe, hair is going to come up. With 3, it was a party. Anyways...it was very informative as I am not really "into" my hair. Don't get me wrong. I love being natural. I've been natural 3 times and everytime I've gone to the perm, I've literally shaved my head to get away from it. I doubt I'd go back to the creamy crack ever again.

Anywhosies............
Cora who has a whatever the hell type of curl pattern (very defined curls since she's part Cuban) says her hair is "just like a wetback's."

*record scratch*

I think I gave her the scooby doo look which was like...what the hell did you just say??
Why would you use that term?
Am I overly sensitive or is that totally not cool.

I mean, I don't even like the "n-word" and would never use it in public let alone use any other racial slur. She said this on the train and there were some Mexican dudes right across from us. I just kind of shrugged it off and changed the subject. Sol acted like it was nothing and I didn't want to ruin the night. Needless to say, it made me look at her funny....and Sol.

Make It Rain

The Friday before last, I caught a rare case of cabin fever and was determined to go out. It was my day off. I am young with no children/man to have a ball and chain and blah blah blah. I RSVP'd for my friend's rooftop party at the new W Aloft Downtown Brooklyn, threw on my sexy blue pencil skirt (the same blue pencil skirt that always gets me into trouble) and took a cab all the way there.

As I approached, I saw that the line was down the block.

OH HELLS NAWL.

I don't do lines. Although, I have not been privy to the NYC night life for a very long time - last summer aside- I can count on my hand the number of times, I've been out, I do know the right people who are willing to help me skip the line and skip the cover charge.

It pays to know people...mmmmkay.

Anyways, the promoter and I go way back to AP English in high school and I happily texted him to help a sister scoot the line...but there was no scooting as he did not have control of the security at his own party.
*blank stare*

Whilst on the line, I ran into a friend from college (errr- Sol) and her friend Cora who shared my sentiments about the line and knowing people. BBMs were sent, texts were received and off we were to Providence close to Columbus Circle.

We get to Providence, skip the line and the cover charge AND were hastily accepted into VIP where I met both of the celebrity DJ's that night and we were dancing and having a good time.

UNTIL my feet began to hurt.

*record scratch*

Anyone who has gone out with me knows that I will dance in my heels all day long but I am NEVER far from a flat shoe. Its against everything I hold dear in the world. Do you know these suckas made me (and company) check our flats in coat check before entering the venue?

Are you serious?

This is a rule made by the General Manager of Providence because he wants the club to have a sexiness which means...they don't let women in if they're not wearing heels and also these women are also not permitted to change into flats once in the club.

A MAN MADE THIS EFFIN RULE. and I wanted to stab him in the temple with my heel once I found out..much too late.

Anywhosies....I was trying to save face but my feet were killing me. Ever since I got the new gig, I haven't worn heels and so my feet were not used to the sensation.As we made our way to a different VIP that had seats, we were treated to a nice rendition of a hip hop video. That disgusting song..."You wanna see some ass. I want to see some cash. Make it rain trick...." came on and dude with 3 blinged out chains and long locs starting actually making it rain in the club. Ya'll know my face was like O.O then O.o. I was too proud to pick up the dollas he was throwing but my friends weren't. *forehead slap*

At least they shared. They gave me $8 and that was my taxi home.

The night was a bust for me. My friends are thin, leggy professional dancers and I felt fat and sweaty with my feet hurting me. I'm too (something) for the club. What that something is...I haven't a clue...but trust, I won't be going back...not unless its my birthday or some type of special shindig. I felt out of place. Where's a girl to go when she wants to cut a rug, though?

le sigh

(P.S. Shout out to whomever found my blog by searching for "mandingo" - I see you boo. lol)
(P.P.S. Sade, I tried to comment again on your blog...no go...what's your email address? Hit me at lifeisaficklepickle at gmail dot com)

Plenty of Fish?

The hardest question to ask and answer is....what do I want?
Probably because when we answer it and acquire what we thought the answer was, we go on and want something else.

The last 2 years of working was spent with me wanting to be job-less freelancing around the city operating in my passion.
2 years of unemployment freelancing and I just wanted a job.
I have a job and I want to be on unemployment again just chilling. Well, that's not exactly right. I'm not exactly sure what I want professionally but you get the point.

So, I'm asking myself...What do I want?
In relation to the upcoming year. In relation to my upcoming meetup with Aussie.

I feel like I'm at a turning point in my life. I feel the gravity of every decision I make.

Do I want to be with Aussie?

I keep asking all the married couples I know about the logistics of marriage, their reasons for entering into the institution and so forth.
The main question I ask is...was th decision made out of practicality or passion?
Aussie and I have passion. I'm burning with it but is it practical to look to build something with him?

When I ask myself that the answer frightens me. In many ways, he reminds me of my father. Whoa.
The same gruff manner. The same adoration of me. The same willingness to provide.

In the back of my mind I wonder if I'm just settling. I never saw myself with someone who resembled my dad. I always say myself with some artist type with a lot of degrees and crazy hair.

If you ask Aussie why he wants to be with me...he will tell you its because I'm nice, I can cook and I shag like a minx.

If you ask me why I want to be with him. Its because he listens to me, he makes me laugh and he shags like a jackhammer. lol

I don't trust him because he's lied to me in the past (out of shame of his living situation) and he's hot. Girls throw their panties at him.

Tomorrow, I'm praying it doesnt rain. I want to sit and picnic with him and have a deep discussion about love and such. I want to see where his head is at.

I'm thinking marriage. Not right away of course but in 2 - 3 years. I never thought about getting married as a little girl. Or teen. Or adult. All of a sudden, that's all I think.
Who knows...maybe he doesn't even want to be with me. Maybe he just wants sex.

Reminisce Over You

I search for his name on FB every 6 months or so hoping he's joined. On Monday, I searched for him absent-mindedly and I actually saw that he finally started an FB page.

AUSSIE.

I friend-requested him which he immediately accepted. We passed messages back and forth then texts and then he called me tonight.

It felt like old times. Good times. I told him I want to see him and offered to cook him dinner. He requested tacos. His birthday is next month. WHY did he say he wanted to go to a strip club. I told him I'd take him but maybe he should go with his boys. O.O

Of course talk turned to US and what happened and such. He explained some of the "lies" I suspected he told me. The reason he told me those lies were because he was embarassed of why he couldn't do the things he wanted to do. I told him those lies are what broke us up.

Gosh talking to him, laughing with him, making fun of each other made me miss him. Made me forget all the bad times.

Thank God for blogs. Really helps jog the memory.

Read up on Aussie from the beginning from blog posts November 2008 to December 2008.
We actually met on November 1, 2008. How convenient is that! lol

We tried again in January of 2009. You can read how that all went (toward the middle - end of the month)
We re-connected last summer here. It ended like this.

He's trying to tell me that he's changed. He's matured. He's different. OY! Should I even go back there?

Updates!

I'm still alive ya'll.

Let me try to update you guys in a way that in concise and ish.

Love and Other Drugs

In my mind DK and I are done-zo. I'd been weaning myself off of thinking about him after we went out about 2 or 3 weeks ago. We met up and sat in Bryant Park. We talked about some things. He basically said what he always says...hold on....when I start school it will be better. I'll have less jobs...yadda yadda yadda....

I won't lie. I was kinda stuck on him because I don't like anyone. A man has to have the right mix of intellect, ambition, humor and social skills for me to melt like butter. He has it. Every relationship needs attention and affection to grow and we weren't growing. So, I needed to move on so that I wouldn't remain stuck and I wouldn't start resenting him.

At the end of the day, I felt like he had me on lay-away and that he just wasn't that into me. Today in church, my pastor said the craziest thing. He said, "Ladies, don't you ever wait for a man. Once you wait and they come back to you, they realize they've outgrown you." - Oh hells nawl. I'm not going to be a sucka. All I can see is...*Antoine D voice* 'He is dumb. he is really really dumb' - to not want to scoop my flyy ass up. *drops mic* "Sexual Chocolate everybody!"

So, of course in my craziness, I decided to try Match.com on the insistence of BFF and Toni Childs. I tried it free and poked my head around because I felt like anyone paying $20 - $40 a month is hella serious about finding someone. Of course, all the dudes that hit me up were over 40, sometimes over 50. and white. Ummm, I would date a white boy. He has to be a certain type of man. Old and over 50 is not him. So, I need to delete my profile.

Smh.

I think I'm just going to give this whole dating thing a rest. Its becoming an anxious thing for me. Everytime I go out, I think...am I going to see a cute guy today? If so, will he/I be interested? Its a drain!

That draining feeling is what kind of kept me stuck on DK for longer than it would've normally had...because the process of finding someone sucks. I guess because they're supposed to find you.

I am kinda lonely though. Lonely is no joke. Lonely eats at you. Lonely gets you into trouble because you run to the wrong things trying to get away from it. It hasn't driven me insane yet. So, I guess I'm alright.


Work and Projects

Work was kicking my ass for a while (like a month and a half). I literally am at work all day like "these people are nuts!" My body is used to standing up all day. Its the salary that needs adjusting. I'm trying to move my way up and stuff.

I was Service Leader of the Day which means I got $10, my pic on the wall in the lunchroom and 3 pseudo-expensive perfumes. The other girls are hating. So, me being me, I started singing Trina "Baddest Bitch" to them.

My boss keeps saying that I'm her favorite. That ish is going to cause contention with my co-workers soon. I can tell but I'm hoping that it'll be okay. I may have an opportunity to do a makeup event with my company and go traveling to the different stores. *crossed fingers*

I need more money!! Damn!

I resigned my position at the magazine. It feels like a weight off my shoulders. I wished Editor the best and I meant it. Her dependency on me was probably holding her back. Who knows? Only God.

Friends

BFF had Baby BFF on August 16th. She was 7lbs 10oz. She is a doll!!!
Punjabi has been really excellent with the baby and of course BFF has stars in her eyes and ish. she needs to get real about what she wants and what's feasibly her future with dude.

He overheard me and Toni talking bad about him. I felt bad and sent him an apology text. My friendship with BFF is changing. I realized two things about her.

1. She can't hold water. She told me about a conversation she had with her ex-husband. She told him that Toni was having a relationship with her cousin. She told everyone that Toni was having a relationship with her cousin. She told her ex that Toni saw him on TV twice in the same jeans. The first thing he said was, "Tell Toni to stop fucking her cousin." O.O In the moment, it was funny but then I thought...if she told this man she speaks to maybe 10 times a year something hella personal about Toni, what has she told him about me? What does Toni know about me if I know some SHIT about her? For a moment, it felt hypocritical of me to blog about her in detail and I have told Twin some stuff about BFF and Toni but the people I've told stuff, I know they would never ever throw it back in her face. The chances of you blog readers of meeting me and her aren't that slim but I'm sure you decent people wouldn't be like..."wait, are you the girl that was fucking her cousin?" after saying hello.

Now that I think about it, Toni mentioned something in mixed company that I did and I was hella embarassed about it. She only knew about it because BFF told her. SO, I guess that puts the nail in that coffin. Moral of the day, ladies and gents, if a friend tells you something and you just MUST share it: blog it anonymously and make sure they don't dig blogs, tell someone whom you know will never tell another soul or at least blurt it out in front of them or just tell it to Jesus.

2. Toni also said she would stop telling BFF about her relationship with Punjabi. Clearly, she's not going anywhere. Why should I listen to her bitch and moan about what he does to her - what she allows him to do to her - when she doesn't heed my advice? My advice hasn't changed... Leave that n-word alone! Since she wants to marry him (!!!) and make babies with him and such...what I say is like a drop in a bucket of water - inconsequential.

I know our relationship is changing because once you start limiting your communication with people...what you can and can't say to them...its over!

But the other part of me is saying I need life-long friends around me. What do you think?


That's all for now.