Bruh

So, I went on a date with this dude I reconnected with on FB from high school. The date was great.  He was charming, funny and sexy. When we went to school, he was shy and nerdy. We went out a second time with BFF and her college roommate. He was the same. After a few drinks, I got a little touchy Feely. Cool.

BFF said that he was giving me mixed signals. He was into me but pulling back and texting other girls. Dafuq?

So, I got the brilliant idea to just ask him outright.

"Do you have feelings for me?"
"No, I do not."
"Well, I was flirting with you pretty heavily and you didn't stop me."
"Well, I'm an attractive guy and I like the attention."
"I'm not here too boost your ego."
"Too late."

Actual conversation.

I'll just leave it at that.
Smdh!

I downloaded Tinder on my phone....because......I was curious and bored. I started talking to a whole bunch of dudes which didn't result in a lot. Here are 2 dudes I was talking to though...

1. Teddy - Actual name cuz f it.
Tall, dark, handsome, looks like a bouncer at a club but works at a management firm. Cool. We're getting along great.  Flirtatious messages are being sent back and forth. He mentions..."my fall back game is on point." I ask what he means. He says that sometimes girls get too attached and he has to cut them off. He just wants casual relations and they're cool with it until they actually have sex with him and they want to lock it down.

I said...well, as long as there is open communication BEFORE sex, that shouldn't be an issue.  Maybe something else is amiss. He agrees with me. We continue talking. He asks me a question about where I work. I answer and ask him the same. He still hasn't responded. (this was almost a week ago)

Fall back game on point for real.

I don't mind someone not being into me but I think it's cowardly to just not respond.

Like......when he said his fall back game was on point,  I should've heard a bell in my head signify that something was off with him. It you no longer want to talk to someone just say it. *rolls eyes *

2. Jeff
Our communication was a bit off because we work opposite hours. Everytime he did hav down time, he talked about Spending a lot of time out.he was flabbergasted at why I don't go to clubs. Hmmm. Red flag. I added him on IG. I see multiple pictures of him and his son which he never mentioned before.. Hmmmmm.....I poke around a little bit more...I see cutesy messages on his pictures from the same girl. I ask him. "Are you in a relationship?"
"Yes, I've been with her for 5 years."
"What? Why are you on Tinder? "
"People can't be on Tinder if they're in a relationship?"
"No! It's for singles. Some people also think it's a hook up app."
"Are you looking for a relationship? "
"No, but I'm not even going to entertain a dude with a girlfriend. That's a headache. "
"Why does every girl say that?"
"Because she's decent. "
"Sweetheart, if you want to be with someone, they're status don't matter. They could be married with 3 kids. If you want them, what's stopping you?"
"Ok, bye. "
"Does that mean you not talking to me anymore? '
"Yup."
"Good. "

I mean I couldn't even muster the energy to explain to this dude how much of an asshole he is! That poor woman of his!  Annnnnnd he's going to be teaching that foolishness to his son. Smdh! 

3. Dave
He's 37. Another one that likes to be in the club. Reeeeed flag! Why?
Let's say the youngest person he could date would be 25. Ok. What kind of quality are you getting in the club?  He's 37. He clubs every weekend. Every weekend. How much money are you wasting?  Annnnnnd, for what? I told my friend and she was like that sounds like a lonely dude if he has to club every weekend.  I agree. So, the reason I just left it alone....he always asks me what I'm doing which is usually working. Cool. What's my next day off? Monday. He says he wants to see me.we'll go to lunch. Ok. He goes clubbing on Saturday. He texts me Sunday at like 4. He just woke up. Ok. He says, the worst thing about going out is the recovery. He's going to be up all night because he slept all day. In my head I already knew that we were going to go out on Monday.

Sure enough,  Monday,  I didn't hear from him until around 6. Omg, I just woke up....

Really dude?!

He asked me what I was doing. I said, just napping. He said, "Ur a busy woman."

No....let's meet up or apologies or anything...so, I said Fuck you in my head and kept it moving.

Lawd, please deliver me from fuckboys!!!

all me

I took a driving lesson today.
 I take my road test on the 18th. I may need to reschedule.
 Anyway, the instructor said I'm good. I just need to work on my turns which have been a struggle for me. Do you have anyone you can practice with? he asked. I said yes. but really.....no. I have a mother. I have friends with cars but everyone is too busy to help me.

 ANd then I started thinking about other shit I needed support on. And really, I have no support in other areas of my life either. My entire life, I've had to pull myself up from my own bootstraps and make shit happen. And people are always like....oh you're so strong. You have no emotions. And I'm like...if I fall apart, who is there to pick me up and put me back together?? If I need help, who do I really have to call? And my friends are like, you should call me. And then I do and they're not available.

 Do you know how tiring and frustrating that shit is?????? You have to build in your own safety nets. You have to double and triple check everything because if something goes wrong or doesn't work out, you have NO ONE you can call. Do you know how lonely and devastating that shit is???? Do you know what that says about your self-worth? That no one is around to really be there for you.

 All the times I felt suicidal I would rather call the helpline than a friend because that friend wouldn't even be there for me anyway. IF you look at my life from afar, its like...oh, you have siblings. You have friends. You know so many people. I'm the loneliest person I know. So lonely, a 10-lb dog is the most consistent being in my life.

 I just want someone to have MY back. I want someone to be there for ME completely. That seems like the hardest shit to find. Even for something so simple as a car to practice my turns. No, there is no one for me to call. And I pass by an empty car everyday. And I look at other people surrounded by family and friends and I'm like....that is so awesome.

I wish. I wish. I wish. I just wonder...wtf did I do in a past life to deserve solitude?

swirls of thoughts....

I officially start work on Sunday... YAYYYYYYY! 

Way off my initial plan to start work in September, giving myself 6 months of saving to move in March.
So, April it is!

I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF NYC!

The last pleasant day I had was with my mom...we went to eat something and shopping and I went home. It didn't involve any public transportation or work, which is sad because...who can really go out to eat and shop without a job.

And...who commutes by car to their job in NYC anyway???? It's insane.

Literally, without fail EVERY DAMN DAY some fuckshit happens. Who can live like this? I'm becoming so angry. So, I need to scrimp and save as much as I can to get the hell out of here.
Can you feel the frustration???

Moving along...
Someone on tumblr posted something that said. ..

Repeat after me:
Date someone who matches you in emotional development.
Date someone who matches you in emotional intelligence.
Date someone who can support you emotionally.

This speaks to my soul especially with (that dude with the money and bed situation). I reached out to him in subtle ways when I was really contemplating suicide. Just on some...

"Yo, I'm having a bad day. I feel like I'm going to lose it"

and dude would be like "Lol"

WTF son?

or would be like "faux zen-meditative choose to be happy" fuckshit..

(fuckshit is my new favorite word.)

And, it was like BRUH!!!! I'm trying to reach out to you. At the time, he was the only person I was talking to...about like anything...not just romantically

and it was like, I couldn't be a real person and talk about real shit.

Do you know how stifling it is to have play a role all day - beauty expert/extrovert and have real problems - suicidal thoughts/depression and then have a friend have fucking shallow ass conversations with you?

Do you know how horrible and dehumanizing it feels when someone doesn't have any interest in getting to know the real you?

And I understand that people are going through their own stuff but it really doesn't take much to listen and empathize. I do that all day in spite of how shitty I feel, I put on a fucking smile and turn on the charm and people buy that I'm a happy person.

Anyway.....I'm on that no days off plan with work until I get to Miami.
In other news, loving this song.

photogenic

Sometimes, I worry I'm not really pretty in person and that possibly, I'm just photogenic. But then, I meet someone who is like that and at least I'm fucking PASSABLE AS THE SAME FUCKIN PERSON IN THE PICTURE. I decided to give online dating a whirl. I was talking to someone really cool - smart, funny, established, well-traveled. BRUH! He was so cute in his pics but so NOT cute in person. We met at a coffee shop and he ate a red velvet cupcake with his fingers, licking icing off his fingers and everything. He had red crumbs in his teeth. Here's my rule. The grossest thing to watch someone you don't know eat is ice cream. ESPECIALLY, if you're not sexually attracted to them. It gets all over their mouth and its just nasty. Add icing to that too. Long story short, I fucking ran out of that date as soon as I finished my sandwich and smoothie. My heart is so weathered by dating. I'd much rather be alone that go through this process again and again.

lowest hanging fruit

so, Autumn is here. and that means this is the time where every JOB basically...is hiring to gear up for the holiday season.

i have gone from scraping for hours to having 4 job offers.
1. continue to freelance and be guaranteed 30 hours a week until January.
(we all knows what happens in January. I get dropped like a bad habit.)
2. go back to my old old job before MAC. the people are petty and childish but I could make decent money.
3. possibly work for Kiehls. I'm starting the interview process which I'm 2 interviews away from...
4. possibly work for Nars. I have to go through the extensive interview processs

Part of me hates going back but I may end up back at Macys because...I'm guaranteed 40 hour a week and I'm also guaranteed to start within a week or so. I need the structure. I need the benefits. My plan is to save up all I can to move to Miami 6 months after I start working.

I've been struggling and hustling and I hate it.
However, Nars is the golden apple because it has COLOR!! And respects artistry. But, my time in NYC has to come to an end and soon. I hate it here. So...I have to keep telling myself this.

I just hope that with all these doors FINALLY opening for me that I'm not making a mistake. I guess time will tell. dun dun dun!

better!

I've been trying to climb out of my hole of depression lately.
I haven't told anyone how I've been feeling because seriously, I need professional help.
All last week I was in a dark dark place.
Dark enough to where I started planning my suicide and obituary.

Bad.

And so, I decided to seek professional help.
And the mental health system in NYC is so fucked.
I called around to speak to someone. Everywhere you call, you have to make an appointment.
The place closest to me that is free to low cost, I called to make an appointment. Its just one lady. I left her a message. She called me back days later while I was at work. I called her back an hour later. Let's see when she calls me.
I seriously could be dead right now.

If you guys have been reading this blog for a while, you know I've struggled with depression since I was a teenager. They didn't really know what it was back then. Now, it has a name. I've just come to grips with the fact that yeah...maybe I can't handle this shit on my own.

Hopefully, the lady will call me back before I have another destructive episode.

I always know when I'm on the decline when my space starts looking crazy.
My apartment is so disheveled. Papers and clothes everywhere.
No food really because depressives dont eat.
I was talking to a coworker and I told her that I have to force myself to eat because if I don't, I still wont feel hungry but I will get a raging headache and I'd feel light-headed. She was like....why dont you eat? I told her a story like...oh yea, I just don't feel hungry.


Anyways...I made a promise to myself to fight for my life. I have been doing that with all the strength I have in my body. I've been reminding myself of who would miss me when I'm gone. Who will take care of my dog? Who will find me? Shit like that. Sometimes, doing that makes it possible to live just another day. All last week, it was literally ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Even if you're not depressed, trying to date in NYC will make you want to end it all.
>>>joke<<<<

I've been on OkCupid a lot lately. I went on a date with a guy and he was awesome on paper - loves to travel, stable job, car, no kids, super supportive of me. He was my height when I met him in person. Like..seriously, 5"3. and thin, It was so awkward hugging him. I felt like a gorilla.

I'm trying to be positive about my dating life.
I feel like...if I look at the last few people that I've dated...its getting better.
Since dating Aussie who was not as smart and didn't make as much money as me.
I've dated Claude who is smart, educated, has a house and money but had a small penis and no ambition.
Then I had a sexual relationship with Kevon who was all the things Claude was but had a big penis but couldn't kiss. What 40 year old man can't kiss? YUCK!
Then there was Max who had everything K had except a house but whoa..passion.
Then Wiley who has a car, apt, college education, career but is boring as fuck. Like, made me want to sleep talking to him. (no sex)
The dude I talked about who was short.
And now this dude who seems really cool. His name is K. He's a teacher He's funny and smart and actually calls. We'll see what happens.

I'm still planning on going to Miami in March but I feel like at least my prospects are looking better.This song has been speaking to me when it comes to relationships.

Like...the next time I fall in love, it has to make me feel better.. Yes!!!

seasons + fuckboys

I feel as thought I'm embarking on a new season in my life. As though, it is almost there..its so close that  can touch it and all I have to do is be  positive and boom...it will be here.

I'm excited about my new season.

I embrace it.

I'm ready for it.


Meanwhile on Faacebook, I posted
Once you realize you bring dinner and dessert to the table, you will stop inviting people to dine with you who only bring a knife and fork.

I have to remember this lesson with the dude I talked about in my last post. But, as I sat and I analyzed my last relationships...something I said to an ex came to mind. 

"I'm sick of doing all of the heavy lifting." 

But, not sick enough because with Afroman, Aussie, Claude, Panama Guy....and really pretty much every dude since high school, I've been doing the leg work.The spending on dates and doing things they need and even if its not monetary, its giving up the goods too early, getting comfortable too early, cooking for them too early...being in the type of relationship I want to be in too early. 

And really...the result is the same. 
Those fuckboys were not worth my gotdamn time. Each taking a part of me that I can't get back.
I always wanted to have this optimism about love and life. I thought being hard on men meant that my heart was hard and I was bitter but that's not true.

It makes me smart.
I'm a precious jewel. To find a rough diamond, you have to go deep into the Earth and mine for her. How am I any different??

This man is so damn stupid but I'm worse.I'm a fool. 
I was not fulfilled emotionally, mentally or sexually. I didn't feel supported...actively supported in any of my endeavors. None. Not in a way that didn't benefit him. Yet, I was still willing to be there for him in every aspect of his life. Why? Because for some reason, I still liked him. Why? *crickets*

Or maybe its because he represented an idea in my head of who I as supposed to be with.
We make up this idea of a person...of who we think they are...who we want them to be and suddenly this illusion takes on a life of its own and completely replaces the reality of the situation. No more.

I did makeup for a wedding today and the main thought that I took from it was...I want someone to win my heart. I don't want to give someone my heart. I want them to prove to me that they are fricking worth it, they want it and they will do what it takes to show me that I can trust the with it. 

Until then...I'll be single. 

I think I finally get it!

unpatience

I think with most women, when it comes to the guy you like, you have to learn the hard way that he is a cad.
For BFF, that means having 2 kids and still not getting a ring and a whole heap of grief.
For me, its spending over $150 on a dude in 3 days, getting mediocre sex and then radio silence for the week after.

I knew that he has issues revolving around sex and intimacy. It's the classic case of....I'm an artist and I like you but I don't want to be with you until my career blows up and I've been through this a few times.This last time is what it's taken for me to learn my gotdamn lesson!!!

I did what I did out of the kindness of my heart because dude is on hard times.
Thursday night, I offered to buy him a drink because he was having some financial issues and I wanted to see him/cheer him up. Drinks ended up being dinner too. Bill was $70. We ended up making out and it got hot and heavy. I was on my period and couldn't get it the way I wanted to. He mentioned while we were out that his bed was still in storage and he was sleeping on the floor. He's been in his new place for 2 weeks and he wouldn't have the money to get it out for another 2 weeks. I immediately called up BFF and we agreed to rent him a Uhaul. She would drive it and we would get his bed out on Saturday.

Saturday came and the Uhaul place was out of vans. I rang my neighbor's bell and asked her to help (she has vans that she uses to transport kids to school). We went to the storage place. I bought him a lock. The storage place clipped his lock because he was past due on his fees and they wouldn't let him pick up his bed without buying a new lock. Why was a new lock $20? Robbery!

We put his bed in the van which entailed us removing seats and hauling the bed, box spring and frame into the van and into his apartment. I paid my neighbor $40. That night we'd already made plans for him to come over and do the do. He was hungry and broke so, I ordered a pizza. Another $20.

The foreplay was awesome. He's a great kisser and I love how he touches me. However......something was off. He has issues with being too much in his head which ruins the mood. He has performance anxiety which is...sweet. But, its like...damn! If I'm moaning, its good. I'm pretty vocal about what I like and don't like. First round was decent. I wanted more. We played around some more until it was apparent, he didn't have a 2nd round in him. He spent the night. We woke up the next day and tried again. Not even then did he have another go left. I think it was the performance anxiety thing. I was so unsatisfied. The whole encounter left me frustrated to say the least.

Now, the money thing...its not a big deal. Really....I justified it in my head that we're friends. I'd do the same thing for any good friend. The kick in the junk was I realized that I hadn't heard from him all week. I  texted and FB Messaged. Radio silence. I got scared because we'd talked about how we both had dark thoughts before. My rule is to always reach out to someone whenever I get to that place and to check on people I know are prone to depression. I actually called this ninja and left a message that was like..."Please call me. I want to know you're alright." Silence.

And then I went on social media.

There's no wetter blanket than when you're trying to reach someone and they don't respond to you but they're on instagram and facebook and taking pics with people and living their fucking life like they have no fucking worries.

That was a slap in the face for me.

And so, I'm done with the situation.
I have but one rule for dealing with men.
Thou shalt not make a fool of me.
He broke that rule.

So, fuck him.
My work right now is spotty at best. I value my coins because I have some shit I need to do too.
I could work 40 hours this week and 4 hours next week. I helped him because I considered him a friend but maybe he just saw me as something else.
The voice in the back of my head is saying that this whole thing is a big misunderstanding. But, this is how I feel about it right now. So....that's that.

Never a failure. Always a lesson.
Always a lesson.

blog culture

i went through the craziest time in my life while having this blog.
i was in love with someone and we were dating but maybe we both weren't ready for it
or perhaps
he wasn't the right one for me

he kind of made it into a love triangle thing.
and ended up leaving me for the other girl.
and he also had a blog too

so, i'm reading my archives
and i have it convinced in my mind now that he really didn't love me
but when i read what we both wrote....
there was actually a lot of love there.

i didn't look into my archives to reminisce on that situation.
but...it was apart of my life.
and its there
i thought he was my soulmate

sometimes.......
shit just doesnt work out
and it sucks


he has 2 kids with this girl and they're still together
maybe i don't believe in soulmates anymore
or maybe i just haven't found mine.

overachiever

i haven't been wanting to blog but i've been needing it because let's face it...just a human being living life
some shit goes down.
self-reflection is always needed but not always wanted.

oy
anyway...
same old nina.
single.
money-challenged.
still in living in brooklyn.

what's on my mind now?
i wonder if i try too hard with men.
i feel like everyone thinks i have my shit together.
and maybe i do.....compared to the hodge-podge friends i have
i've always had a job. most of my peers started working 5-6 years after i did.
and at a young age, i knew that with money came responsibility
sophomore year of high school...i had a job
2 of my friends didn't and their mothers couldn't afford to buy them some stuff for school
so, i bought them basic shit.

like notebooks, pens, etc
at 14 years old, i felt financially responsible for my friends
and that thinking has stuck with me.

and with men...you don't want them to be financially anything to you.
you don't want them to pay your bills because they'll hold it over your head
you don't want to pay their bills
because they'll feel emasculated or worse...COMFORTABLE and won't do shit.

when i started this blog, i was in love with someone...and he didn't have a job.
i had a decent paying one and i paid for everything we did
i bought him shit.
he left me.
for his ex.
and as soon as he did, he miraculously found a job.
and was doing the shit i wanted him to do with/for me.

that fucks with a woman's head. no?
so, now there's another guy i like.
and he's in an interesting situation.

its nyc.
the rent is too damn high
he's always living paycheck to paycheck.
i took him out for drinks.
the bill was $72.
nyc. this was in fucking BROOKLYN too
and tomorrow, i'm helping to pay for his bed to be taken out of storage
it'll be about $50.
i'm having bff rent a uhaul and drive us to pick up the bed and bring it to his new apt.
because he doesn't really have the money to do it
he's been sleeping on the floor for 3 weeks.
and he won't have the money for maybe another week or 2.

in good conscience, i wouldn't feel good knowing he's on the floor when i could help him
i have a couple extra dollars (space on a credit card)
but should i help him?

i mean,
i really like this guy.
i feel like he could possibly be the one for me
but the timing of it is just...wrong.
what would future me think of this?

when are you just trying too hard?

chasing away the demons

today, i had to pick up my tax info.
i put on a cute outfit and got lost (accidentally) in the wall st area of nyc.
it was kind of magical.
feeling the breeze on my skin and the sun on my face.

i feel myself coming back.

slowly.
surely.

long time

it's been a while since i wrote in this space and it seems every time i do, its because of some darkness.
i am sad.
i feel like no one really cares about what's going on with me.
everyone is so consumed with their lives.
going on and on and on

i reach out to my sisters.
they have their own struggles
they don't even ask how i'm doing
they see me as young with a highway of life ahead of me
never ending road.

i told the guy i like in plain english
i am sad and lonely
maybe i should adopt a dog
he said yes, adopt a dog.
no inquiry into why i feel this way.

i am in one of the most populated cities in the world,
and i feel all alone.

pieces

things are not remotely back to normal but i feel myself fighting my way back to some sort of happiness.

i was having...fun with best i ever had and i asked him what he wants in life as far as a relationship goes.
he didn't say it out right but he would be content to be alone for the rest of his life.
he wouldn't mind having more children but he said he wants no relationship of any kind.

i am not content where things are.
i love his body and how he makes me feel but i want more

not with him

but with someone else

i don't want a piece of anyone else anymore.
with claude i got the piece of the relationship where he took me out.
with carlos, i had the piece that was my rock. my listening ear.
with bieh, i have the sex.

i want all of that rolled into one.
which i know isn't very likely but i want to get it as close as possible.

i'm not content to be in a demi-relationship. i want it all.

i was talking to bieh about a friend s. s was a virgin until she was 28.
one night, she met this dude and decided to give it up.
why? because she was just tired of waiting for the right guy.
so, she settled
dude did a hit and run....on a virgin.
emotional trauma x 10000.
i told her....if you could wait..past high school..past the pressure of college...past the pressure of grad school...why that dude? did he deserve it?

no. he didn't.

i feel like that about my next bf.
i feel like that about claude. he didn't deserve all i did for him.things i didn't blog. so, why that dude?
because i got tired of waiting.

like s, i cheated myself.
i don't want to cheat myself again.
waiting sucks though.

i was at bff's house with my mom looking at her new baby and my goddaughter.
bff told my mom to give me 4 years.
my mom said..maybe nina will never have kids.
she's given up hope.

wtf mom?

anyway, i'm tired and  i'm rambling but...
that's where i am.
waiting and hoping for the right guy.
in the meantime, i'm working on myself.

because when that guy comes along, i want to be a whole person
because that's what i want for myself.

i'm tired of picking up broken pieces
shards of a man,
trying to love him.
getting cut in the process.

otra vez

i was talking to panama guy aka carlos about random things...lately, i felt a bit distant from him. he's being a bit ambitious with 2 start up companies and a regular job so i cut him some slack.

if you're unfamiliar: panama guy and i met online in july. at the time he lived in panama but was on his way back to the us. he moved back in late august. we met in september and things were interesting. we expressed mutual interest but failed to make a complete love connection. he blamed the move: looking for a job, the holidays were crazy and then with his start ups he felt it would be unfair to me if we started dating because he wouldnt be able to give me the attention i deserved. we were friendly. blabbermouth me told him the play by play (not everything but most) about claude. i told him i started dating claude because he put me in the friend zone. he said, i never put you in the friend zone. you're amazing. i would love to date you. this a week before nye. once again, he said, if i date you, i want to be the best man i can be for you. i can't do that right now. (yea, melt melt puddle)

cut to nye. he invited me to his house where his mom and sister LOVED me. me and his mom had a loooong talk about death on nye.yep. death. his sister kept saying how much she wanted me to date him and blah blah blah...it was nice. there was another girl there that his sister kept giving the side eye to. i forget her name but what i remember is that she wore a strapless dress, no stockings and high heeled sandals - like 1 strap across her toes. in NYC on NYE when it was 19degrees outside. something about her felt wrong. i asked him who she was...a childhood friend. i let it be.

Happy Birthday to Me

I wonder what the number 11 means.

I got in on 3 scratch offs that I didnt win on.
I gave it to a dollar cab which costs $2 and I gave him a $10 bill and $1, in which he didn't correct me.
Fucker.

I spent my entire birthday in tears. Save for the 2 hours I spent with mom and 3 hours I spent with Best I Ever Had.

To get everyone up to speed. Claude broke up with me via text a week ago
After I went all out for his birthday
And bought him a Christmas gift.

In which I received a limp dick as thank you.
And promise of "something big" as a gift.

He couldn't even pick up the phone.
Or take me out to dinner.

He said. "I've been shitty to you. I know it sounds pathetic but can we be friends?"

I didn't respond.

No one did anything special for me.
Well, my sister sent me $100 gift card for Amazon. That was nice.

But....I don't exactly feel loved.
I don't feel like I'm remotely in a place I want to be.
I'm technically jobless (more on that later).
I have no man.
No kids.
My apartment still sucks enough where I don't invite people over.

Even last year, when I was in Paris, the stranger I was staying with bought me champagne and cheese and caviar.

This year, I had IHOP and that's it. Basically.
Oh and great sex which basically after, I still wanted to go to his bathroom and cry.

2 of my friends didn't even call or message me. That's awesome.

I kept fantasizing about walking in front of a bus.
I keep fantasizing about walking in front of a train for the past 2 weeks.
I don't know what keeps me fighting.

Deep down, I still have hope some
where inside of me.
Things will get  better. It won't always be like this, I keep telling myself.

I don't know how much of this I believe.

another one bites the dust...

i tried to make it  work with claude.

I did.

I have to break things off.

he does nothing for me except buy me meals.  

no sexual satisfaction.
no physical satisfaction
not even the satisfaction of having someone call me on the phone or call me beautiful or anything.

I have a text buddy who takes me out on dates when I insist and lasts 3 minutes in bed.

so, why am I trying to hold on to something that is dead?


i'm so frustrated with life right now. I just don't even know what to do.

i'm not ok.

i've been having some intense insomnia lately.
 more intense than usual, i suppose. like...for the past week, if i don't take tylenol pm or advil pm, i'm going to be up until 6am. easily.

 on the days i dont take the other medicines, i tried to take melatonin. that shit did not work at all. i even took 15mg, more than 5mg dose. at least i was up til 4.

 i was thinking about what could be wrong.
 i think it is anxiety.
 every week, i get my check. i pay bills.
 i am poor.
some weeks it's like groceries or the light bill.

 i feel stuck professionally.
 because i feel like i work super hard but i can't even afford to go to fucking miami for my birthday!
! i can't afford shit.
 and my job is bullshit. not what i do, just the people i work with/for. fuck!

 the thing with claude and i just isnt working for me.
 it is the erectile dysfunction/premature ejaculation but more....
kissing him is gross sometimes. he always wants to lick my tongue with his slimy tongue and it is repulsive.

 he doesn't ask me out.
if i don't say 'hey am i going to see you this week?' we don't see each other
 he never calls me. only texts.
 i haven't seen him since dec. 22nd. his big date...oh, come over and i'll order chinese food.

 on the other hand, he said he might buy me an iphone or a puppy.
 i've been DYING for a puppy.
 but is that enough to stay in this relationship? is it even a relationship?

yes, i've told him..hey, why don't you call me? i always call you.
 yes, i've asked...why don't you ask me out? i always initiate dates.
- i feel like asking, why can't you get it up and keep it up for longer than 3 minutes but that seems mean-
 the answer to the first 2 questions is the same..."well you work crazy hours, so i just take your lead as to when you're available." -__-

 i really dont know what to do.
 part of me is like...this is a rough spot, you'll get through it.
 the other part of me is like...run, bitch, run for your life.
 i need to see: a therapist a dentist a dermatologist in that order

. i just feel like shit and everyday, i have to smile for these fucktards and pretend everything is ok.
 i'm not ok.

i feel like my job is making me hate my own people.
 i feel like i don't really have anyone i can talk to about what is going on. no one has time to really listen and i've gotten so good at painting on a face and lying to everyone that if given the opportunity, it'll take some booze and a few hours for me to tell the truth.

 oh, and i've gained 5lbs of the 20 i lost back and i feel like i'm going to gain all of the weight back because when you don't sleep, you feel really weak.  its not really wise to go to the gym and risk injury.
especially, after working all day.
 and i've been doing some heavy duty emotional eating. i want to be held.comforted.
 something.
 i'm so tired of being strong. ugh. i don't know what's the next chapter in my story.

and its like...nobody really knows the extent of everything i'm going through
and i don't know if its my pride or what but i can't even get the words to really SAY how it is i'm feeling

and so i stay up all night, tossing and turning trying to sleep
but the thoughts just won't stop
until its 6am and im too exhausted to even think.

i'm definitely not ok.

feeling feelings

i've been thinking a lot. being snowed in alone can do that to a person. carlos gives me flutters and makes me want to fall in love with him. i think about breaking up with claude every week. why? i feel like something isnt right and i'm not one to ignore those feelings. what if i'm wrong? my birthday is in exactly 1 month. shit.