soooooooooooooooooooooo
i had 2 days off back to back (for most people this is called the weekend...for me, it is called a rarity.)
it felt like freakin vacation!
monday night, my nephew (who is 10 years older than me) calls me to tell me his stepson is on his way from jamaica to nyc on a layover to bermuda and he needs some money.
me, loving my nephew so very much...i agree to take public transpo (!!!) an hour to the airport to go give his stepson some cash.
firstly, i have no idea what this boy looks like.
secondly, who travels with no money? an immature teenage...that's who!
thirdly, his flight got into ny at 1am. i'd been up since 6am for work and i was so tired, i was delirious!
i met up with him at around 2:30. i had to take the bus an hour home that late at night.
when i saw this kid, i wanted to punch him in the mouth.
i love how teens say they're grown but if he were really a grown man, he wouldn't be traveling with no money and having his parents (who were in IRELAND!) bail him out.
today, i went to the dermatologist.
my appointment was at 4:30. i saw the doctor at 7:30. i wanted to freakin scream!
i had no service on my phone and they had no wifi.
i was just waiting and waiting and waiting. it was mind-numbing.
so, check this....this "eczema" that has been wrecking shop on my skin and life is not really eczema.
it seems to be a fungal infection called tinea incognito.
it is a common fungus that is passed on from skin to skin contact that has been made worse by the use of topical steroids. the most common form of it is like ringworm in kids.
in english:
i had a fungus that i probably picked up from holding the pole on the train or from a customer i touched doing makeup or something simple. i went to the doctor. since i have a history of severe eczema that comes and goes, they prescribed a steroid cream. the steroids made the fungus worse and spread all over my body. when i stopped using the cream, the fungus became worse which made me think the cream was helping but it was only hurting me.
since having it, i did have sex with dk and i've done makeup on hundreds of people. he didn't get it. they don't have it. why? because once i had it, i was using the cream which made it non-contagious but highly reactive.
i feel like a disgusting human being right now.
i've had this fungus for at least a year.
he put me on 2 creams, an anti-fungal pill and an antihistamine for the itching. i also have to do bloodwork to see if this is affecting my internal organs/immune system. also.........the meds can affect my liver function so no drinking for me!
this is horrible!
when i googled it, i started to feel less bad though. this happens often because of the "incognito" in the name, it means the fungus basically doesn't show up like normal fungi so when treated like dermatitis (or eczema/psoriasis) it become a nasty bugger...i read a story of a woman who had this fungus for 13 years!!!! it basically looked like eczema covered her entire body! the pictures were intense, i didn't even read the rest of the story. but yea, the doctor tried to come down on me saying i've had eczema my whole life, i should've known this was different.
i was like....i didn't go to medical school. i trust people who've spent 8-10 years studying this and if they were wrong, how was i supposed to know different. slow ya role bud.
anyways.....i dropped off my prescription when i got to target at 9pm (!!!) and hopefully, they'll have it for me tomorrow or friday. i need this off off off! like yesterday.
crazy thing..this thing called life.
i can't tell anyone but ya'll and bff and twin. everyone else will judge me. lol
as for the book...i am at 70k words!! that translates to 7 chapters and 152 pages!!! i am in the process of talking to a graphic designer about the cover art, securing the domain name for the website, working out how i want the site to look...i've created the twitter page for the book and am working out how i want to begin the social media promo....and i'm thinking about other means of promoting it (blog talk radio shows, pamper parties, flyers, postcards, etc.) this shit cray...it's not just about the art. my business taught me that. i want my book to be BIG. i need it to be big because all this stuff costs money. the money is coming from ME. i don't have a lot of it. i have 4 prescriptions to pay for and such.
i have other money woes too....another post for another (depressing) day....anywhosies...time for bed lovies!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Sunday, July 1, 2012
call me
sooooooo....i was sick this week where i left early because i was nauseous and light-headed. my period in the month of june was so SERIOUS. i also had cramps that had me keeled over feeling crazy. anyways, i went to the store with my phone, keys and money. when i got home, i had a bag from the store, my keys and change.
my manager at work said she wants a hysterectomy but they refuse to do it because there's no medical reason. she said the medical reason is that she can't handle her period. she's in her mid 30s and childless. she said..."i don't care. cut it out of me. if i want a kid, i'll buy one." - i totally understand
where my phone went? i have no clue.
the insurance company sent the new phone literally the next day but i don't have certain people's numbers...like....brock.
brock is the nonstarter dude from the last post. i really didn't have a strong desire to talk to him. i just wanted the attention, if we're being honest. he's in houston for the week. he comes back today (sunday). i facebooked him that i didn't have his number. he hasn't called me yet. lame.
i began calling random numbers on my phone bill and i accidentally dialed trini's number. awkward. and dk's number. super awkward.
trini, as soon as i realized it was him, i awkwardly was like...ok, bye. and hung up.
dk, i didn't realize it until i heard his voice on his vm and i left a weird message like...i called by accident. *nervous laugh* umm, sorry.
he text me saying he didn't want me to think he was angry with me and that he wants to know how i am doing.
i was like..ok, call me when u can. so, he did. while i was at work.
i got nervous because honestly, i think there was something there with dk. i might love him. i'm not sure. and, i didn't want to break up. but.....yea, so, when he called i was like i'm at work,. i'll call u later. i dropped the phone when i was on the escalator and the sim card fell in a crack. tmobile's system was down and they couldnt get my phone back online until late.
i called him late. we caught up. it was nice. i really want to talk about what happened between us but slow and steady, right?
my manager at work said she wants a hysterectomy but they refuse to do it because there's no medical reason. she said the medical reason is that she can't handle her period. she's in her mid 30s and childless. she said..."i don't care. cut it out of me. if i want a kid, i'll buy one." - i totally understand
where my phone went? i have no clue.
the insurance company sent the new phone literally the next day but i don't have certain people's numbers...like....brock.
brock is the nonstarter dude from the last post. i really didn't have a strong desire to talk to him. i just wanted the attention, if we're being honest. he's in houston for the week. he comes back today (sunday). i facebooked him that i didn't have his number. he hasn't called me yet. lame.
i began calling random numbers on my phone bill and i accidentally dialed trini's number. awkward. and dk's number. super awkward.
trini, as soon as i realized it was him, i awkwardly was like...ok, bye. and hung up.
dk, i didn't realize it until i heard his voice on his vm and i left a weird message like...i called by accident. *nervous laugh* umm, sorry.
he text me saying he didn't want me to think he was angry with me and that he wants to know how i am doing.
i was like..ok, call me when u can. so, he did. while i was at work.
i got nervous because honestly, i think there was something there with dk. i might love him. i'm not sure. and, i didn't want to break up. but.....yea, so, when he called i was like i'm at work,. i'll call u later. i dropped the phone when i was on the escalator and the sim card fell in a crack. tmobile's system was down and they couldnt get my phone back online until late.
i called him late. we caught up. it was nice. i really want to talk about what happened between us but slow and steady, right?
Friday, June 22, 2012
love em and leave em
i have been pms'ing for a little over a week, it feels like...my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride of shit.
i feel so ugly.
i have these bags under my eyes that are going nowhere and now with this heat, the eczema is back with a vengeance...all over my body. eczema is basically a black scaly dry rash. the worst is my breasts, stomach, back and hips. i don't have health coverage until 7/01/12...THANK GOD but I have to wait to see a doctor til then and hope i don't have to go through hoops and loops. i'm freaking miserable. i'm itchy and uncomfortable all day. there's nothing i can do about it.
i was talking to someone new who EVERYONE in my inner circle says is a non-starter. which is sad because if this dude became serious about finding a wife, he would have a good one..in me. the bottom line is he doesn't want to date. so, i'm like..ok, let's bang. he doesn't take advantage of opportunity to do that. i'm bored. i'm tired of chasing people even though probably to him it doesnt feel like i'm chasing....i'm tired of putting in effort. i just want someone i like to like me back and for that to be enough to date. i don't want to have to decipher feelings....i just want easy,.
writing has been going well....i'm hoping to have it finished in another month. i'm so exhausted when i get home, i force myself to write as much as i can...thus, lack of blogging or blog reading.
what else....thinking about perming my hair but that might just be the self-hate talking. i'll reconsider in another week or so when i'm not bleeding from my vagina.
i feel so ugly.
i have these bags under my eyes that are going nowhere and now with this heat, the eczema is back with a vengeance...all over my body. eczema is basically a black scaly dry rash. the worst is my breasts, stomach, back and hips. i don't have health coverage until 7/01/12...THANK GOD but I have to wait to see a doctor til then and hope i don't have to go through hoops and loops. i'm freaking miserable. i'm itchy and uncomfortable all day. there's nothing i can do about it.
i was talking to someone new who EVERYONE in my inner circle says is a non-starter. which is sad because if this dude became serious about finding a wife, he would have a good one..in me. the bottom line is he doesn't want to date. so, i'm like..ok, let's bang. he doesn't take advantage of opportunity to do that. i'm bored. i'm tired of chasing people even though probably to him it doesnt feel like i'm chasing....i'm tired of putting in effort. i just want someone i like to like me back and for that to be enough to date. i don't want to have to decipher feelings....i just want easy,.
writing has been going well....i'm hoping to have it finished in another month. i'm so exhausted when i get home, i force myself to write as much as i can...thus, lack of blogging or blog reading.
what else....thinking about perming my hair but that might just be the self-hate talking. i'll reconsider in another week or so when i'm not bleeding from my vagina.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Just Stop It
I did the Tour de Brooklyn on Sunday. It was an amazing experience riding my bike through different sections of the borough, many of which, I'd never experienced first-hand. The entire tour was 21.5 miles...halfway through, I felt cramping and fatigue. The last 5 miles, I just couldn't do. I think there's something wrong with my bike...I was pedaling fast, I just wasn't going anywhere. Would I do it again? I'm not sure, I would have to condition myself better and definitely work on getting a faster bike/fixing the one I have. It was a lovely day nonetheless....
Today, I saw the Snow White movie. Curiousity killed the cat. I hate Kristen Stewart. She is not a "rare beauty."....at least not to me. Charlize Theron was awesome though. The whole movie I was just like...for reals? Kristen is supposed to be more beautiful than Charlize? Word? And Kristen is not the best actress either. But, go see it and judge for yourselves.
SO.......when I sent DK the email, I sent him a text asking him if he got it. That message went unanswered. I deleted his number and all the text messages the next day when I didn't hear back.
Tonight (Monday night), I get a text.
DK: Yes, I got your email
(the one I sent on May 27th. Today is June 4th *side eye*)
Me: ...and, that's all you have to say?
DK: What do you want me to say? You've already made your decision.
Me: I wanted you to acknowledge my feelings. I wanted you to prove me wrong. I wanted you to say that it's not okay that from this moment on, I won't be apart of your life. I guess I wanted something from you that you can't or won't give me.
45 minutes go by.
Me: I don't know what the point was of telling me you got the email if you weren't going to address anything in it.
10 minutes go by.
Me: Anyway, good you got it. Now you can forget you ever met me. There's nothing left to say.
The last message was super emo. I know. But, for real though?
I'm so tired of wanting things from people and never getting it.
My mom spent the week in North Carolina. Firstly, I didn't know she was leaving. She told me months ago about her various summer trips. Memorial Day was on the list but she never told me when she was leaving and how long she'd be away. I get a random text from her saying: "No one needs to know I'm not home and can you take out the garbage on Thursday night for me please."
Thursday, I came home and someone had already taken the garbage out (or so I thought.)
I keep my bike at her place because my apartment is small and there's no room for it plus, I'd have to lift it up and down stairs every time I wanted to ride. I was exhausted from the ride, so I just placed it where I could and left.
She came home yesterday. After I spent the day with BFF, running errands, watching the movie and stuff....I said, "Let me go see my mom."
I came in. She was in the bed.
Me: Heeeeeelllllloooooooo
Mom: *curt* Hi. How come you didn't take the garbage out like I asked you to? I asked you to do one thing and you couldn't do it but let (BFF) or (Twin) call, you'll drop everything to be with them. And why is that bike in the middle of the floor? Hunh?
Me: .....
Mom: NINA, YOU HEAR ME?
Me: Yes....
Mom: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Me: I'll go move the bike.
>>>Man, I was so mentally drained. I walked into a verbal ambush that I was completely not prepared for.<<<<
I moved the bike and left without saying another word.
Seriously, what the fuck?
Who comes back from a week's vacation with their man so angry?
I just can't.
My mom only contacts me when she wants me to do something. God forbid, I don't do it or I don't do it to her liking. I want for her to just call me and ask me how I'm doing...what's going on in my life....how am I feeling...what can she do for me?
What did I say earlier in the post? I'm tired of wanting things from people they just can't or won't give me.
They say, it is insanity to do the same action over and over again and expect different results. I must be out of my fucking mind!
I am so tired of fighting.
I can't do it anymore.
Today, I saw the Snow White movie. Curiousity killed the cat. I hate Kristen Stewart. She is not a "rare beauty."....at least not to me. Charlize Theron was awesome though. The whole movie I was just like...for reals? Kristen is supposed to be more beautiful than Charlize? Word? And Kristen is not the best actress either. But, go see it and judge for yourselves.
SO.......when I sent DK the email, I sent him a text asking him if he got it. That message went unanswered. I deleted his number and all the text messages the next day when I didn't hear back.
Tonight (Monday night), I get a text.
DK: Yes, I got your email
(the one I sent on May 27th. Today is June 4th *side eye*)
Me: ...and, that's all you have to say?
DK: What do you want me to say? You've already made your decision.
Me: I wanted you to acknowledge my feelings. I wanted you to prove me wrong. I wanted you to say that it's not okay that from this moment on, I won't be apart of your life. I guess I wanted something from you that you can't or won't give me.
45 minutes go by.
Me: I don't know what the point was of telling me you got the email if you weren't going to address anything in it.
10 minutes go by.
Me: Anyway, good you got it. Now you can forget you ever met me. There's nothing left to say.
The last message was super emo. I know. But, for real though?
I'm so tired of wanting things from people and never getting it.
My mom spent the week in North Carolina. Firstly, I didn't know she was leaving. She told me months ago about her various summer trips. Memorial Day was on the list but she never told me when she was leaving and how long she'd be away. I get a random text from her saying: "No one needs to know I'm not home and can you take out the garbage on Thursday night for me please."
Thursday, I came home and someone had already taken the garbage out (or so I thought.)
I keep my bike at her place because my apartment is small and there's no room for it plus, I'd have to lift it up and down stairs every time I wanted to ride. I was exhausted from the ride, so I just placed it where I could and left.
She came home yesterday. After I spent the day with BFF, running errands, watching the movie and stuff....I said, "Let me go see my mom."
I came in. She was in the bed.
Me: Heeeeeelllllloooooooo
Mom: *curt* Hi. How come you didn't take the garbage out like I asked you to? I asked you to do one thing and you couldn't do it but let (BFF) or (Twin) call, you'll drop everything to be with them. And why is that bike in the middle of the floor? Hunh?
Me: .....
Mom: NINA, YOU HEAR ME?
Me: Yes....
Mom: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Me: I'll go move the bike.
>>>Man, I was so mentally drained. I walked into a verbal ambush that I was completely not prepared for.<<<<
I moved the bike and left without saying another word.
Seriously, what the fuck?
Who comes back from a week's vacation with their man so angry?
I just can't.
My mom only contacts me when she wants me to do something. God forbid, I don't do it or I don't do it to her liking. I want for her to just call me and ask me how I'm doing...what's going on in my life....how am I feeling...what can she do for me?
What did I say earlier in the post? I'm tired of wanting things from people they just can't or won't give me.
They say, it is insanity to do the same action over and over again and expect different results. I must be out of my fucking mind!
I am so tired of fighting.
I can't do it anymore.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Scatterbrains
My mind has been everywhere this week.
(LAST) Tuesday, I called DK and I told him that I was feeling like he didn't want to be with me in the same way I did him. I want to see him and talk to him more but if he wanted those same things it would happen. I told him I wanted to leave him alone. He begs for another chance. There's a good explanation. Lets talk about it in person. Fine. I give in.
From Tuesday, he texts me on SATURDAY. Not even wanting to meet up. Just saying hello. I threw out hints. He didn't even respond.
That said to me that nothing changed.
I took myself to see The Avengers. I swear...every cute couple in the vicinity made sure they walked in my path. I was heartsick.
On the train, there was a couple holding hands, talking, laughing. The guy would lovingly grab the back of the girl's neck. It was the sexiest thing. I started crying on the train.
I don't want roses everyday, grandiose expressions of love...I just want simple. Lets be together. Lets touch, laugh, talk.
No.
I wrote him an email.Here it is:
Dear DK,
I don't consider myself to be a bitch, a nag or a person to demand things because I don't like for people to bitch, nag or demand things of me. I met you a year ago. From the first date, my answer was yes. I thought that you were funny, hard-working, chivalrous and most of all special. I knew that I wanted to build something with you. My answer was yes from day 1. And so, a year later, when I ask you the same question....your answer is unclear to me. You say yes sometimes but your actions always say no. Honestly, it doesn't take a year to know if you like someone enough for a relationship.
Calling you is like playing Russian Roulette in my mind. Will he answer? Won't he? I plan out when I'm going to text you so I can get an answer by a certain time because I know it takes at least 20 minutes to hear back from you, sometimes hours or maybe days. The things I'm asking you for are simple. I'm not trying to get married or even have you change your FB status or declare your love for me. I'm simply asking for a phone call, a movie date, a stroll in the park but I feel like an asshole for asking for these things because you don't have time. But, you have time for the gym or going out with the guys or whatever you really want to do. When I see you, I want to hold your hand or hug you or show you that I like you with non-sexual affection but I feel like I'm going to be rejected if I do that. And so, if I feel like that...the answer is no. These things should come natural.
After our last conversation, the same two phrases came to my mind: "I don't want anything I have to beg for" and "If the answer is no, let me go." I am an amazing woman. I would figure out a way to get you the moon if you asked me. I feel as though I deserve someone who would at least get me a star. I feel like you would only want be around for sex or to hang around until you have it all figured out. I'm not a CD that you can pause, rewind, fast forward and play at your leisure. Foolishly, I've developed feelings for you and since you don't want me in the same way I want you, you're now hurting me.
This sucks because I have faith that no matter where you go and what you do, you will succeed in life. No matter what, you will win. Always remember that. I wish you the best. I hope that you have all that you really want and that any obstacles you encounter are just there to teach you something. I wanted us to be friends and enjoy the city together this summer. I wanted a lot for us but it is not possible.
Goodbye.
With love,
Nina
I feel like an idiot for falling for him. Now, my heart is hurting and there's nothing I can do. I hate it.
The worst part is he still hasn't responded.
Makes me feel even worse!
I've been pretending not to be hurt. I haven't mentioned it to anyone but it does hurt and I have cried. It was almost love. Love is so precious. There was no way I could stay and continue on and act like it was what I wanted. I'd rather pretend with myself than with someone else. Idk. Was I wrong?
(LAST) Tuesday, I called DK and I told him that I was feeling like he didn't want to be with me in the same way I did him. I want to see him and talk to him more but if he wanted those same things it would happen. I told him I wanted to leave him alone. He begs for another chance. There's a good explanation. Lets talk about it in person. Fine. I give in.
From Tuesday, he texts me on SATURDAY. Not even wanting to meet up. Just saying hello. I threw out hints. He didn't even respond.
That said to me that nothing changed.
I took myself to see The Avengers. I swear...every cute couple in the vicinity made sure they walked in my path. I was heartsick.
On the train, there was a couple holding hands, talking, laughing. The guy would lovingly grab the back of the girl's neck. It was the sexiest thing. I started crying on the train.
I don't want roses everyday, grandiose expressions of love...I just want simple. Lets be together. Lets touch, laugh, talk.
No.
I wrote him an email.Here it is:
Dear DK,
I don't consider myself to be a bitch, a nag or a person to demand things because I don't like for people to bitch, nag or demand things of me. I met you a year ago. From the first date, my answer was yes. I thought that you were funny, hard-working, chivalrous and most of all special. I knew that I wanted to build something with you. My answer was yes from day 1. And so, a year later, when I ask you the same question....your answer is unclear to me. You say yes sometimes but your actions always say no. Honestly, it doesn't take a year to know if you like someone enough for a relationship.
Calling you is like playing Russian Roulette in my mind. Will he answer? Won't he? I plan out when I'm going to text you so I can get an answer by a certain time because I know it takes at least 20 minutes to hear back from you, sometimes hours or maybe days. The things I'm asking you for are simple. I'm not trying to get married or even have you change your FB status or declare your love for me. I'm simply asking for a phone call, a movie date, a stroll in the park but I feel like an asshole for asking for these things because you don't have time. But, you have time for the gym or going out with the guys or whatever you really want to do. When I see you, I want to hold your hand or hug you or show you that I like you with non-sexual affection but I feel like I'm going to be rejected if I do that. And so, if I feel like that...the answer is no. These things should come natural.
After our last conversation, the same two phrases came to my mind: "I don't want anything I have to beg for" and "If the answer is no, let me go." I am an amazing woman. I would figure out a way to get you the moon if you asked me. I feel as though I deserve someone who would at least get me a star. I feel like you would only want be around for sex or to hang around until you have it all figured out. I'm not a CD that you can pause, rewind, fast forward and play at your leisure. Foolishly, I've developed feelings for you and since you don't want me in the same way I want you, you're now hurting me.
This sucks because I have faith that no matter where you go and what you do, you will succeed in life. No matter what, you will win. Always remember that. I wish you the best. I hope that you have all that you really want and that any obstacles you encounter are just there to teach you something. I wanted us to be friends and enjoy the city together this summer. I wanted a lot for us but it is not possible.
Goodbye.
With love,
Nina
I feel like an idiot for falling for him. Now, my heart is hurting and there's nothing I can do. I hate it.
The worst part is he still hasn't responded.
Makes me feel even worse!
I've been pretending not to be hurt. I haven't mentioned it to anyone but it does hurt and I have cried. It was almost love. Love is so precious. There was no way I could stay and continue on and act like it was what I wanted. I'd rather pretend with myself than with someone else. Idk. Was I wrong?
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Gye Nyame
I've been busy writing my first novel...it has been a crazy experience. I thought I wouldn't have enough creativity to carry a 50,000 word story but thankfully, it has been flowing pretty nicely. In my mind, it would be finished and published by July but I want to beable to take my time and really develop my idea fully. I haven't really been talking to many people about it and some are feeling like I'm neglecting them but honestly. I get off of work and I'm exhausted but I make myself write 2500 words a night. I don't really have room to chit chat about nothing really. I have work to do.
Its just annoying.
I've been super on the fence with DK because I feel like feelings are one-sided and that is not fun. I invited him to go out to dinner on me because he pays for every date and really I just wanted to pick his brain and tell him how I'm feeling. He canceled last minute. He's graduating from college and he had to pick up his cap and gown and he apparently didn't know until the last minute.
I felt like shit because I'd gotten all dressed up and was looking forward to it all day. He said he would make it up to me this Tuesday. I'm just not holding my breath with him anymore. Part of me just wants to let him go. I want to be with someone who is crazy about me. Lately, I've been with people who are just crazy.
Its just annoying.
I've been super on the fence with DK because I feel like feelings are one-sided and that is not fun. I invited him to go out to dinner on me because he pays for every date and really I just wanted to pick his brain and tell him how I'm feeling. He canceled last minute. He's graduating from college and he had to pick up his cap and gown and he apparently didn't know until the last minute.
I felt like shit because I'd gotten all dressed up and was looking forward to it all day. He said he would make it up to me this Tuesday. I'm just not holding my breath with him anymore. Part of me just wants to let him go. I want to be with someone who is crazy about me. Lately, I've been with people who are just crazy.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Updates
(Written 4/26)
Damn...every time I have a long absence, I feel like" its imperative to say how sorry I am and vow to not for it again. I'm like an abusive boyfriend or something.
What has happened since the last time I wrote in this space....hmmmm
ATL told me he doesn't want a long-distance relationship and then back-pedaled away from me so quickly, it made my head spin. He was gone for a weekend before I was like...oh hell nawl. We've been speaking but it is definitely not the same.
I had given up on PoF when this really cute guy emailed me. His username was his full name...means he has nothing to hide. His message wasn't overly superfluous with how beautiful I am or what he would do to try to get to know me. It was simple.
Except, I got the message about 3 weeks after he'd sent it. ATL said it was all about timing. He was right because 3 weeks ago, I was into someone else and probably wouldn't have paid the note any attention.
Anyway, he is sweet, smart, funny and he's.....naive in a way. He's 25. He'll be 26 in June. And...I like him.
He rocks out to classical music. Who does that? I'm going to call him CB for Church Boy. He literally stays in church 4 days out of the week. His dad is the pastor of his church. His life is the life I ran away from. (Pseudo-introducing ER before our first date)
I went on a date with this guy I met while facilitating the Octavia Butler workshop. I'm going to call him White J. If you've seen the awkward black girl series on YouTube, you know to what I'm referring. If not, go and watch. Hella funny!
Anyway, White J is cool. He just doesn't do it for me. I tell BFF about the date and of course she goes ape over it and is like...give him a chance. Maybe you'll grow to be attracted to him. You don't GROW into attraction. Either it is there or it is not.
I went over to DK's house and we had the best passionate hot sweaty sex. He said I surprised him and he definitely surprised me in the bedroom. He's so cold in the street. He never really wants to hold my hand or kiss me in public. At home, he's all over me and sometimes, it just catches me off guard.
When I saw him though, I was angry about work. I realize....I don't like my job. He was the first person I could take it out on....and I did and it was sexy. We play fought until I had worked all my aggression out.
The next morning, I left his house exhausted (hehe) but pensive. What we do....is what we do and nothing is really going to change. It kind of makes me sad because of course I believe I'm worthy of more but so is he but he would rather give me an inch of space in his life. So, what is one to do?
Right after we had sex....as in the next day, I got my period which means we had sex while I was ovulating. Which means if the contraception has failed.....I'd be preggo right now. Scary stuff.
I wouldn't mind getting knocked up by DK because I know he would kill himself to provide but I'd be so alone. I guess these are just some thoughts.
I feel so unattractive right now. Maybe its my period. Maybe its something else. I'm pretty sure its my period.
I'm sitting next to this interracial couple. Dude is African. Probably from Senegal. Chick is French. He says..."No. Its my way or no way."...in the middle of this argument they're having. I thought ...Yup. that's why he's with this white woman. The Nigerian tried that shit with me one day. I fought back and he pretty much said..."If I were with a European woman she would accept it." I said..well go get her.
Smdh
I've decided I want to open up a spa. There are some major steps I need to take first. I'm going to get my waxing license. It costs about $500. After I get my license, I'm going to look into getting into a high-end salon/spa to get some experience/build clientele. I also want to look into getting a table/space to do waxing on my own in my Hood. Then, I want to look into being a masseuse. I also am looking into getting into an 18-month BBA program to have a real foundation on how to run a business properly.
On the financial side, I'm working on my credit to be able to get a loan/funding for my spa.
I'm guessing optimically....in 5 yrs...I can do it but I'm preparing for 10 for it to be where I want it to be.
I'm excited and a little overwhelmed. It is time for me to put in some major work....and it wont be very fun.
And honestly, the notion that I could really do it freaks me OUT. but....I believe this is what Im supposed to be doing. So...there we go.
YOLO!
Damn...every time I have a long absence, I feel like" its imperative to say how sorry I am and vow to not for it again. I'm like an abusive boyfriend or something.
What has happened since the last time I wrote in this space....hmmmm
ATL told me he doesn't want a long-distance relationship and then back-pedaled away from me so quickly, it made my head spin. He was gone for a weekend before I was like...oh hell nawl. We've been speaking but it is definitely not the same.
I had given up on PoF when this really cute guy emailed me. His username was his full name...means he has nothing to hide. His message wasn't overly superfluous with how beautiful I am or what he would do to try to get to know me. It was simple.
Except, I got the message about 3 weeks after he'd sent it. ATL said it was all about timing. He was right because 3 weeks ago, I was into someone else and probably wouldn't have paid the note any attention.
Anyway, he is sweet, smart, funny and he's.....naive in a way. He's 25. He'll be 26 in June. And...I like him.
He rocks out to classical music. Who does that? I'm going to call him CB for Church Boy. He literally stays in church 4 days out of the week. His dad is the pastor of his church. His life is the life I ran away from. (Pseudo-introducing ER before our first date)
I went on a date with this guy I met while facilitating the Octavia Butler workshop. I'm going to call him White J. If you've seen the awkward black girl series on YouTube, you know to what I'm referring. If not, go and watch. Hella funny!
Anyway, White J is cool. He just doesn't do it for me. I tell BFF about the date and of course she goes ape over it and is like...give him a chance. Maybe you'll grow to be attracted to him. You don't GROW into attraction. Either it is there or it is not.
I went over to DK's house and we had the best passionate hot sweaty sex. He said I surprised him and he definitely surprised me in the bedroom. He's so cold in the street. He never really wants to hold my hand or kiss me in public. At home, he's all over me and sometimes, it just catches me off guard.
When I saw him though, I was angry about work. I realize....I don't like my job. He was the first person I could take it out on....and I did and it was sexy. We play fought until I had worked all my aggression out.
The next morning, I left his house exhausted (hehe) but pensive. What we do....is what we do and nothing is really going to change. It kind of makes me sad because of course I believe I'm worthy of more but so is he but he would rather give me an inch of space in his life. So, what is one to do?
Right after we had sex....as in the next day, I got my period which means we had sex while I was ovulating. Which means if the contraception has failed.....I'd be preggo right now. Scary stuff.
I wouldn't mind getting knocked up by DK because I know he would kill himself to provide but I'd be so alone. I guess these are just some thoughts.
I feel so unattractive right now. Maybe its my period. Maybe its something else. I'm pretty sure its my period.
I'm sitting next to this interracial couple. Dude is African. Probably from Senegal. Chick is French. He says..."No. Its my way or no way."...in the middle of this argument they're having. I thought ...Yup. that's why he's with this white woman. The Nigerian tried that shit with me one day. I fought back and he pretty much said..."If I were with a European woman she would accept it." I said..well go get her.
Smdh
I've decided I want to open up a spa. There are some major steps I need to take first. I'm going to get my waxing license. It costs about $500. After I get my license, I'm going to look into getting into a high-end salon/spa to get some experience/build clientele. I also want to look into getting a table/space to do waxing on my own in my Hood. Then, I want to look into being a masseuse. I also am looking into getting into an 18-month BBA program to have a real foundation on how to run a business properly.
On the financial side, I'm working on my credit to be able to get a loan/funding for my spa.
I'm guessing optimically....in 5 yrs...I can do it but I'm preparing for 10 for it to be where I want it to be.
I'm excited and a little overwhelmed. It is time for me to put in some major work....and it wont be very fun.
And honestly, the notion that I could really do it freaks me OUT. but....I believe this is what Im supposed to be doing. So...there we go.
YOLO!
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