Shambles

I'm so naive sometimes.

Painfully naive.

The type of naive that ends up really hurting myself.

The bottom line is I was lonely and he cuddled well and I ended up
having sex. I didn't want to but I couldn't stop.

I didn't want to disappoint him but I ended up disappointing myself.

He got what he wanted. He could very well never call me again.

I deserve it for being so stupid.

He told me what he wanted in not so direct terms, but I made myself
believe something else and now...

The rest is to be determined.

1st Date

As they usually go....this one was an 8 out of 10.

I like this guy.....
But I'm still stuck on the "oh shit, you like me...." part of it all.

He's gorgeous with dark smooth skin, small ("tiny") slanted eyes,
prominent nose. And nice full lips. His skin is soft and smooth. His
bald head is like a baby's bottom.

He was very complimenting of me. We had great conversation. There was no
nervousness on his part. He drove like a normal person. He was very much
in control. That's what I loved...that he knew exactly what he was
doing. I was put so much at ease that I didn't even have to think about
being the dominant person.

We saw Jumper and it was an awesome movie. We left and went to his
house to watch Sex and the City. (I know it's only a first date but I've
known him for 8 years.) We cuddled on the couch. I was so comfortable, I
wanted to fall asleep. He was so warm.

He drove me home and I was thinking..."oh Lawd..the end of the night
kiss." He mase it easy. He was like..."Yes, time for my kiss on my
cheek."

I was cheesing when I got in the door.

I forgot how to play this...I don't remember the rules and he's making
me think its not really a game.

You Like Me?

We were honor students. The elite group of students who were selected no
to have a life for 4 years and most of us lived up to the challenge and
then some....

I was of the pro-black set, comprising of me, Marley, and a couple of
teachers. He was a loner. We interacted because we saw each other 5 days
out of the week for 4 years. I thought I was of little consequence to
him. We both graduated, again with honors and went off to college. There
were birthday wishes exchanged and not much more. He grew out of his
shell. I permed my hair and loosened up a bit.

He e-mailed me out of the blue.

"I just graduated from SUNY Albany. I'm home...are you?"

We e-mailed back and forth and I thought I caught a hint of a
flirtation. I dismissed it.

I saw him online and instant messaged him.

Boy was I wrong. He admitted he thought I was beautiful way back in high
school and admired me for being different from the other girls. He
inquired about my love life. I told him I was going through a bit of a
drought. He said., "Well I'm the man to end your dorught."

I was speechless.

I swear if we'd been face to face, my jaw would've been on the ground. .

I'm in Love!

With Brock. He's a gay friend of a friend. He's from Boston and he
finally came up and he's so adorable. Plus, he's more of a gentleman
than any other man I've encountered. He held my hand as we walked, he
helped me up and down stairs, maneuvered me through crowded streets, and
tried to make me drink this nasty vitamin water because I'm kind of
sick. I told hom I wish I could shrink him keep him in my purse or have
him stay with me. He's so awesome. He made me remember what a real
gentleman is. We talked all night about his boy troubles, my boy
troubles until 4 am.

*sigh*

He wasn't totally perfect. He slept wild and I awoke to an arm across my
chest or a knee on my knee. But, he's so adorable...it made him even
more endearing.

Alas, he had to leave, but having him stay with me even for the few
hours was what I needed.....I think.

On the Bright Side

I have 3 more titles for short stories to write about.

Signs are Everywhere

I knew the wino told me what he did yesterday for a reason.

A friend did a shady thing to me today. She didn't like something I did.
We spoke about it beforehand. I apologized. We went into a meeting and
she brought it up at the most inopportune time. I told her something as
a friend. She used it against me (in her role as a supervisor). I was
like a fly caught in a spider's web. The thing is...she didn't have to
bring it up. She could've let it go. She also made the situation worse
than what it was from the beginning. It was her that blew it up more
than what it was to get to a point where we were asked to come into a
meeting.

We are no longer friends.

This cuts me deeply.

Because I have little to no family, my friends are my family. Its like
cutting off a sister. Not to mention this is someone in a power
position. This now means, no one in management likes me.

I'm asking myself, why? Why would someone who I've spent hours on the
phone with, whom I trained, whom I had so much respect for turn on me?

It could be jealousy. It could be that she had to make a
decision....have a friend or have a career.

Some of us have enough friends, I guess.

I'm no fish.

Uninspired.

I apologize for my brief hiatus. It was unplanned.

Its funny that I'm writing this on today, the 7th day. 7 is the day of completion.

Anywho...what has gone on the past few days?

Not much. I've been trying to seek out inspiration for my book. I've researched self-publishing. I found something reasonable. I have topicsI want to write about. The only thing left to do.....is WRITE.

That's the tricky part.

I don't want to piss away my ambition or talent. So, yes instead of writing in this blog, I've been writing doodle-style. Whatever comes to mind, it goes straight from brain to paper.

It works. Kinda.

***

I've been alone for a long time and that is translating to my writing.
I've got to cut it out. How many stories about loneliness can someone take in one sitting? I've started doing better. I slacked off in my appearance for a short
while wearing whatever happened to be clean out of the house. I've got little outfits together and I'm waking up earlier to put makeup on
BEFORE I leave home.

I guess its working. I turned a couple of heads today.

*-*

Gi paid to get my hair done and LP paid my cable bill yesterday. I
really needed both. I pay them back tomorrow.

I'm learning to accept the type of friendship I've given out my entire
life and never got back until now. When I have money, they get it
generously and vice versa.

They saw a void and they filled it and for them I am grateful.

I accept this as my karma.

I'm saddened by BFF anf BGF. She's not there. Monday, I accidentally
deleted Internet Explorer off of my computer. I immediately thought of
Afroman. Funny, with certain things, he's still the first person I run
to. Anywho...I called her. It was 2pm. She said she was going out with
her father to a computer store to buy something really quickly. She
would be back in an hr, at the most an hr and a 1/2. 5 hours later, she
was a no-show.

She came after I called her to tell her that Afroman did evetually fix
it and she didn't pick up. She showed up to my house unanounced and was
shocked at her icy reception.

BGF is said to look like he's coked out. Its such a sad situation
because I watched him deteriorate before my eyes and I tried to be there
for him, getting used in the process.

I think he's lost. I don't know how to find him.

He turned 26 yesterday. He has a mediocre job, no apartment or car of
his own and livinf off of men and dreams of going back to school to make
it right.

I'm learning what it means to be a grown woman as I go along. I think
I'm doing better. Loosening up on my stark critique of myself and of
others.

Today on the way to work my favorite song, "Umi Says' by Mos Def blared
on my iPod unexpectantly....
I think this will mark the rest of my day..

This wino said something to me last night...

"Keep your head above water even if you can swim. Remember, no one likes
to get wet and you're no fish."

And so...I leave these words to you as food for thought. Feel free to
comment...

Eh

I've been in a really touch-and-go mood.

I think I'm depressed.

Not in the I'm sad today I can't find my favorite jeans but in the...I
don't know what my life is becoming type of way.

I'm exhausted. I'll sleep 8 hours a night and when I wake up, I want to
go back to sleep. I'm not eating properly. My face is breaking out. I've
gained weight. I feel like a hideous ogre. I can't stand for people to
look at me.

Hopefully, this is just a rough patch....

!

All the Lonely People

She walked along, creating a wind to her hair. Confidence dripped from
each footstep. Each stride bespoke the same, "I'm in control."

It's all a facade.

VD

We sat in our familiar haunt, the Texas size drinks set in front of us and the armor came down.

We were lonely lady lions in the jungle of coupledom, sipping at the watering home, yet our thirsts were not quenched.

More to come soon. I'm working on some other things.

Goings On:Snapshots of the Past Few Days

Five ladies drove along jamming to the radio, unsure of where they were
going, seeking adventure and Philadelphia.

"I'm nervous," LP said.

"Relax," replied Nina, "you have your girl-posse. I'm your supreme-O
navigator. We're good"

We found all we were looking for. Adventure, Philadelphia, and delicious
Slurpees.

>>>>

I walked into work, a disgruntled e-mail from Roger. He was upset I
called out of work on Sunday. I was doing him a favor. I called out the
day before, but he didn't get the message. He'd been talking serious
shit. Serious lies. Now, I have to deal with it in a professional manner
when I really want to kick his ass.

>>>

I walked up the driveway, the snow quickly growing. I placed down my
bags and immediately called my mom.

"We need to start shoveling before the rain comes," I said.

"The boiler and the furnace went out, meaning no heat or hot water and I
found out my oldest sister has cancer," she began to cry.

"I'm coming now."

I was downstairs in no-time flat. Comforted and consoled her. Made her
laugh. Told her the old lady aint going nowhere soon.

We shoveled.

My back was on fire.

She said she was thankful for me. She wouldn't know what to do without
me.

Pretty eventful stuff.
Stay Fab!

Voices in the Hall

Another night where I had 2 hours of sleep (barely) and went to work the
next day.

I think sleep-deprivation is getting to me. I'm freaking mmmooooody!

In addition, my iPod must've been on all day and by the time I reached
the train and didn't want to hear anything from anyone....it was dead.

Did I mention, I hate to hear people talking?

Ever since I started working at CC about 4 years ago, I hate when people
are having conversation around me.

I hear conversations all day. I talk to people all day. At the end of
it, I like to listen to my own voice. Its hard to be in your own
thoughts when there are two meatheads across from you discussing Wii vs
PS3 or the tourists speaking whatver and asking a million questions.

Did I mention I hate questions?

People ask me questions all day long. So annoying.
People call my name all day long.

Ugh! I hate to hear my name called. Don't even call my name in bed. Just
takes me back to my mom calling my name every 5 minutes from the front
of the house to the back of the house to pick up a sock I dropped or to
go to the store or to do some shit I thought unfairly interrupted my
life. To hear my name called now, in a professional setting, usually
means the same.

Maybe I'm being irrational. For sure, I am.
I expect to live in one of the biggest cities and I expect silence on
the train. I hate people looking in my face. I loathe staring.

Maybe I should get a car....

On second thought, I'm disoriented. I'm not entirely sure of what day it
is.

Maybe I should work on sleeping more.

U Gotta Try

Ugh!

Photog called me today. I immediately hit the ignore button, hoping he'd
leave a message and hoping that message didn't say he had a non-curable
disease.

I mean...what else could we possibly have to discuss?

"The local neo-soul place is having a mini-concert of these people you
never heard of. Hopefully, I, the guy you never want to be in the same
room with would like to see you there." Not the exact message but what
translated in my head.

A vision of him flashed before my eyes.

Short. Big head. Socially awkward. A little angry.

I pressed delete, hoping it would erase my memory of him and his of me.

Hoping I would be absolved of just one of my sins.

Etiquette

After a long day, I reallyjust wanted to hear Maxwell on my iPod on the
way home. I couldn't do that. In the front of the bus, there was a
toddler who screeched at the top of his healthy lungs every 2 minutes.
At the back of the bus, 2 young girl yelling at each other, I think they
called it a conversation. My head pounded. I grit my teeth, hoping
they'd get off shortly.

The young girls did. The toddler went on strong until 5 minutes before
it was time for me to get off.

I wanted to ask the mother to quiet him. I know it was a child. Is that
wrong? I bet she was immune to it, but to the childless...should I have
to endure it? I'm really about to fix a drink and call it a
night....ugh!

On Loving Black Men

Hostess started it...now read LH. Then read mine.

Sometimes, I don't think I have the age/wisdom behing me to comment but
I'm gonna anyway....

Growing up, I had my daddy. We were thick as thieves. I had my uncles
who had served in the military, married, and had children. My cousins
who had grown up without their fathers followed their uncles' examples.
All the men on my mom's side of the family have families, houses, and
are gainfully employed. They love their Hennessy on the rocks and their
turkies fried. This is what I grew up knowing. I did have my brother who
hit my mom, another brother that went to jail for rape, that one uncle
who was addicted to drugs and constantly cursing and blacking out at
family functions if he made it.
Even with the scores of gay men in my life...there is Jake, gainfully
employed, has a car, a condo, and has never lead a woman to believe he
was straight while maintaining an alluring air of masulinity that makes
her wish he was. There is Wanda. Gay. Works at a law firm, owns 2 cars,
a house, and takes care of his 2 elderly parents at the age of 28.
Then there is FormerBGF. At 25, he's living off of various men that
choose to give him money and/or shelter. This has been his M.O for the
past 3 years. There is also ThatDude who relies on people for a
haircut/club money. Has been arrested for soliciting in train station
bathrooms, and always has something to say about other people.

I know the two extremes of the black male persona. Enough to know that
the difference is what you allow yourself to become and apply yourself
to. If you choose good things, you will do good things.

I see Obama as I see my uncles on my mom's side of the family.
I see Kilpatrick as my brothers.

I know what the difference is.

Also, I'm only 22 years old. I haven't been put through the ringer in
relationships yet. I still believe my prince will be a chocolate god. I
choose to believe there are more men like my uncles and less like my
brothers. Given the choice between a white women who has no idea what my
life is like and a black man who made it through Harvard without a rap
sheet (the New England racism made me want to cut someone), I'll choose
and have chosen the latter.

Plus, when are we going to have a black anybody who has the chance of
being a viable presidential candidate? Jesse couldn't cut the mustard.
Condi...ummm no....Colin Powell...nope....at this point, I'd think twice
if Chris Rock or Jay-Z were to run. (Kidding)

I agre with Hostess. There isn't a lot of love when it comes to black
men and women. Damn you, Willie Lynch.

Reality Show

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood. I strolled for about 24
blocks because the weather was just that pleasant.

I walked along with no one to talk to, listening to the sounds on my
iPod, wishing I had a film crew. It was pristine in my mind. Sia was
playing, a young woman walking with the confidence that challenges
anyone to try her. The music climaxes as she gazes at the flowers. She
walks along as the violins decrescendo in the background. The camera
tightens on her face.

A single tear.

/////

In other news, he never bought flowers. I inquired about them. He said
that he thought I had throngs of men galliantly fighting for my
affection. He didn't want to be one in the crowd. (Of course not in
those words.)

I was deflated.

I think I'm going to shut down my feelings for him. He makes brings down
my self-esteem.

Instead of telling me I'm beautiful, he says that my eyeshadow makes me
look like I have hayfever. He doesn't dole his attention soley on me. In
fact, he shared a meal with Gi. Presley, another friend of ours said she
thinks he likes her. I think so, too.
Gi and I have a way of going after the same guys.

So, I think I'm gonna give it up.

I don't have the energy to deal with rejection right now. Plus, my next
move would be to give him my phone number. As for the whole "me raping
him thing"....ummm...he has a couple of pounds and a foot and 3 inches
of height on me.

Besides, I like to be taken...not to have to take it.

+++++
Today is Ash Wednesday. Is it me or is this year moving by way too
quickly. That means next month is Easter, if my years of being a
Preacher's Kid paid off.

I just font get the whole ash on the forehead thing. Someone should
explain it to me, please.

I think that's all the randomness happening right now.

Roaring 20s!

Yesterday, I decided to call out from work and enjoy a day with BFF. Around 2pm, we decided to go for a drive in my mom's car. The first sign that should've told us not to go through with it was hen we tried to turn it on and it wouldn't go. BFF apparently left the lights on all day and the battery had died. We put the car in neutral and rolled it out of the driveway to our neighbors so that they could give us a jump.

We were on our way.

We were talking gaily when we approached the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge. Literally, the middle of the bridge in the middle lane. The thermometer for the car shot straight up. Steam was rising from the engine.
We didn't know if it was because it was a little rainy and the water was hitting the hot exterior of the car. I looked around, I didn't see steam rising from anyone else's car.

BFF freaked out.

"We have to stop the car right now," she said. "This happened to me while I was in Vegas. Turns out there was something burning on the engine. We stopped the car, put it in neutral and pushed it to a mechanic. He said if we hadn't stopped the car, it would've caught on fire and exploded."

We called my mom.

"Why did you take my car!!" she repeated over and over.

"I know. I'm sorry. I made a mistake. What do we do now?"

We were scared. Cars were whizzing by.People were honking. No one was stopping to help.

"We're gonna call 9-1-1."

"No, you're not! You're going to sit there and wait for the engine to cool down." I felt like she was sentencing me to go to my room..I was waiting for her to tell me I was grounded.

We hung up with her. BFF called 9-1-1.

A good Samaritan helped us. He told us there was a hole in a hose and anti-freeze was leaking onto the engine. Traffic cops came, highway patrol, and FDNY all came at the same time. I was half-relieved, half-frightened they would lock us up for Grand Theft Auto.

A picture of myself behind bars in an orange jumpsuit flashed before my eyes.

Everyone's attitude was that of amusement. Here are these two girls stuck in the middle of the bridge. Ok, I would take that instead of someone flashing handcuffs. A tow truck came.

We called my mom again.

"We have to tow the car. It's no way we can drive it."

"No. You're gonna drive it to my job and leave it."

"Where's your registration?"

"Why are you asking me these stupid questions? "

"The tow guy needs to know."

"Well, he wouldn't need to know if you left my car where it was. You guys are going to pay for this," she screeched.

I hung up on her. I couldn't deal with her at that second.

The tow guy was going literally 15 mph. We ended up paying $110. She came to the mechanic's told him to fix whatever is wrong at whatever cost, stormed out, and left me a scathing message on my voicemail.

I joked with BFF saying, I waited to my 20s to give my mother grief.

22

Yesterday was my much anticipated birthday and yet I feel like it was a whirlwind and I want to do this shit over again.

I looked beautiful. Got tipsy enough so my heels wouldn't hurt, ate good food, laughed til my stomach hurt, and wore a fur coat.

I might call out tomorrow.


Just because.

(lol)

Children of Men

A year ago, I suspected a very distinguished and respected bishop in my
community of being gay. My suspicions were later confirmed and I was
conflicted. I spend a lot of time with gay people. Most of my close
friends are gay men. Being so up close and personal with the lifestyle
mad me disagree with this man's choice so much more. I later left church
because half of the men in church were gay. This was from the pulpit to
the janitor. I couldn't deal. How could you be living a lie yet tell me
how to live? I wrote this in a post at that time and later deleted it.
(I will never delete another post again)

Recently, that bishop was charged with murder. The belief is that he
fell in love with a married man and killed his lover's wife.

It has come out that his life fell apart. His ministry was stolen from
him by his brother in a dramatic power struggle, his ex-wife started
speaking out against his "demons," he had been drinking, and doing who
else knows what.

No one knew he was falling from grace. We all thought he was prospering.
He had a few apartments he rented out, he worked in public health, he'd
found another church, and all looked picture perfect.

He was my mom's mentor. He guided her to pastorship. I held him in high
regard once upon a time. This whole fiasco has broken many hearts. It
has also made some rejoice, as bad news often does. It really just made
me confirm what I realized a year ago. We are all children of men
struggling to stay in God's grace.

Grudge

I saw her and immediately knew who she was, the memory flashing before
my eyes as if it were yesterday.

"Jack," she ran up to him, "you want me to run with her?"

"Who?"

"The fat one. You want me to run with the fat girl?"

Certainly, I hadn't heard correctly. For this was her first day on the
track team and she would try harder to make a good impression.

Especially since I could run 200m in 26 seconds.

The entire team stopped and looked at me, my face flushed with both
anger and embarassment. Imagine there being a pink elephant in the room
and you're the elephant.

Before I could say anything, Avy came to my defense.

"Don't call her that. That's rude and disrespectful."

Jack concurred, "We don't call our teammates names."

"I'm sorry," she said half-heartedly, "I didn't know her name."

"Ni-na. Simple enough, right?" I said with as much venom as I could
muster grinding my teeth, my fists balled tightly.

I envisioned the first blow hitting her sqaure in the jaw. I knew we had
cups of ice for shin splints and I knew I wouldn't feel bad afterwards.

Avy saw the intent in my eyes as I walked up on my potential victim. She
intercepted and hugged me.

"Don't ever even cross my path. Avy saved you this time but I will
surely beat your ass the next time."

I blinked and I saw the girl sitting in front of me. She looked harmless
but words kill more people than bullets.

I shrugged it off as I turned up the volume on my iPod. She wasn't worth
it then and certainly not now.

A Case for Sexual Harrassment

I am so infatuated with a man at work.

He's 6"3, 210lbs of dark chocolate.

It started off so innocently. Curious glances turned to "hello" then
exchanging work frustrations, sneaky touches, and now full on sexual
innuendo.

I know I must stop myself.

It is a cumpulsion I can not control at all.

He won me over with his wit.
He's quick with the tongue. Funny. He makes me laugh at least once a
day.

I look forward to seeing him.

This is how I know its bad. I know he comes in to work between 12:30 and
3, so I make sure my hair is brushed, my make-up is on point, and I'm
neat.

I. Can't. Stop.

Today, I flat out told him I'd rape him. He said he wouldn't mind. If I
thought I was strong enough. I told him I'm a little woman with a lot of
heart. We both laughed.

He has no idea how serious I am.

I told him I want flowers for my birthday on Monday. He said he'd work
on it. I'd be so stoked if he actually got me flowers. :oD

I'm trying not to expect anything. Not even anything. I like the
attention. I like getting up and looking forward to seeing someone. I
like knowing that there is someone out there who likes me.

He mentioned not messing with someone at work. But, I'm hoping I could
persuade him to see it my way. My entire life is compartmentalized.

But, I need to stop. I know I'm just hot in the pants since I haven't
been kissed. I haven't been caressed. I haven't been touched the way I
need to be since August. How sad is that?

If I don't stop, I will surely catch a case.

But, oh lawd, the things I would do to that man!

In the Middle of the Red Sea

The rain is pouring and the back of pants are wet...which I really hate.
I couldn't find my keys. Couldn't find my other boot. Couldn't find a
cute top. Couldn't find the purse I wanted to wear. And then...I get on
the train.

Good jams were playing on my iPod.

Nina Simone - My Baby
Erykah Badu I ...& On
TonyToniTone - Anniversary
SugarHillGang, Weezer, Natasha Bedingfield.

Its like that calm in the middle of the storm. You can't help but smile
and appreciate it, but you know once it passes, all hell is breaking
loose.