Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Hurt turns to Rage

Yesterday was a culmination of emotions for me.
I figured out that my job is trying to fuck me over.
I've been fighting for this promotion for about 2 months. I spoke to who
would be my supervisor in the department I wanted to move to about a
possible transfer, thus going over my current supervisors heads. The
supervisors where trying to put me as leader of my department (without
letting the current leader know he was being ousted) while I wanted to
move to Accounting. They promised that if I wanted to move or stay, I
would get a raise. There was a lot of sneakiness behind them trying to
move me that I wasn't feeling. I told the current lead that he was being
ousted. He held some animosity towards me for a minute, while my
position in the company was in serious limbo. I finally got the ok to
move about a week ago but there was no talk about a raise which I
desperately need.

Yesterday, it hit me. They're lying. I'm not getting moved to the next

Firstly, the same supervisors who were upset that I didn't come to them
to request the transfer, didn't speak to the head of accounting, stating
they approved my transfer.

Secondly, since I work in customer service and a secondary department
headed by a 3rd manager (yea, that's how low on the totem pole I'm on),
the same supervisors didn't tell that manager that I've moved either.

Thirdly, someone else was hired in accounting recently.

Fourthly, I asked one of the supervisors about my raise. He said oh, I
wouldn't be able to approve a raise that comes out of their budget.

That was really the endpiece to the puzzle. They're playing games with
me. I don't appreciate it at all. As soon as he said that, it all makes
sense. I played my hand, thinking they had my best interests at heart.
They had their objective in mind which I didn't want to be apart of so
they screwed me. It reminded me of a lyric from one of Common's
songs..."my generation never understood working for the man." In that
moment, I understood.

For the good of the company, I've given up having 2 consecutive days
off, for 6 months, I worked every weekend, I've taken on 3+ job
descriptions, and I'm being underpaid.

For my effort, I'm behind on all my bills.

This is from a black woman and a black man who have repeatedly told me
they're working for me, they understand what I've given up, and that I
will be rewarded.


Today, to salvage something at this job, I will speak to the head of
Accounting and see if there is a way I can have the position with the
intended pay increase.

If his answer is no, I can already feel the rage building. There's no
telling what the backlash would be. I know I couldn't work there
anymore. My bills and rent will be paid. They have to be. Who knows?

So....that paired with the other shit going on with my mom making me
feel huge and ugly. My money being funny. Being lonely and dealing with
Afroman's and BestFriend's absence. The holidays are here and having no
family. Its just a lot going on.

I have a lot of rage inside. I have a lot of hurt inside. All I can say
is....we'll see.

We'll see.

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