Thursday, November 1, 2007


Getting off of work, I feel -quite simply- ugly. It's just a low
self-esteem day. Life is not what I want it to be right now.I have to
pay rent, con edison, my phone bill, my cable bill this week. I'm tapped
out before I even get my check. The bullshit from work is overwhelming.
Evidently, I left the oven on in my mom's house. It was on from
4pm...til she got home until I don't know when. After midnight. I stared
off into space for short periods of time unable to focus on anything
today intermittently. It literally took me saying to myself..'Look. This
needs to be done. If you don't do this, you'll look like a douchebag
when you get promoted and then you fail.'
I'm going home to a house with dishes in the sink, a half-painted dining
room, a bedroom with clothes piled on every flat surface. What's worse
is that I can't find my lipglosses....all 86 of them. I'm supposed to be
writing my 50k word novel. I hate when my living space is not neat. I
hate when I can't find my lipgloss. I hate that I looked in the mirror
today and saw a bump on my chin and bags under my eyes and tired dull
eyes. I hate that I'm not the woman I thought I would be.

Maybe idealism breeds disdain for reality, but I can't help but cling to
the idea that the person I'm supposed to be is better than this.

I'm not in a rough patch....I'm in the valley....trying to claw myself
up so I can climb to the mountain again. The view is always better at
the top.

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