Wine and Dine You Girl!

So, many people have tried to holla via Facebook (and Myspace) with little to no results.

Sorry, I'm no cyber slut. (Lol)

If there's one thing I know..its that people can be anything or anyone they want to be hidden behind a nice picture of "them" and witty status messages.

So anyway...
This guy...let's call him TD. He works for a well-known black publication. He friend requests me on FB. Cool beans. I think business connect. A while after, I hit him up on FB chat. We talk about nothing. He asks for my number and asks me out for drinks. I comply. I swear. I'm thinking business. He calls me mad late (11pm) and I ask him if we can talk another day. He apologizes for calling so late.

I text(ed) him for his 45th bday (yup, 45!)

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Last night, he text msgs me...
"What are you doing tonight?" (It was around 8)
I say:
"Same thing I do every night, Pinky"
(That's funny, right?)

*crickets*

I said:
"Its okay if you don't find my jokes funny."

He asked me again. I said,
"I'm home. It's freezing out"
(It really really was)

He wanted to take me out for drinks.

It was 10pm when he called. I'd just settled in for a nap. I needed to get up at midnight to have a friend fix my computer. I picked up when he called.

He said he was trying to see me for a drink before the year ended.

I said I didn't think I'd be available. I asked him about next week. He said..."Oh, I don't know. After I go in for a meeting on Monday, I could be anywhere after that..Detroit, Miami, LA...I have no idea what my 3 assistants have in store for me."

I said, "Well, if you want some company in Miami...I'm there!"

(Totally facetious)

He said "If you can make it to Miami, everything else is on me."

(Wait, what?)
Wait, what?

He repeated himself.

(ShamWow!)

I laughed. I couldn't help it. He may have thought that I was pleased but I was actually laughing at the fact that he needed to say he has 3 assistants...and he offered me to go to Miami and have him pay for food, lodging and whatever else.

I asked him what he was doing for NYE.

He said, he'd probably be on his friend's boat partying or party hopping.

(Lightbulb: he either has grown kids/no kids and no wife...what?)

I detected an accent.
He said he was born in London, grew up in Germany and moved to NY 20 yrs ago (ya know...when he was my age...lol. Let me stop)

So, I was amused by the conversation and am not really sure of his intentions...and then I read www.heartlessdoll.com this morning and they did a top 10 list of men that are attracted to young single independent women. (I'm blogging from my berry and can't link)

One of the guys was the older guy who sees young independent women as fun. She said most of these guys are either divorced (see Dame) or never married (see the other guy, not sure of the moniker I gave him. I dated him around the spring time last year) and never want to get married, so they have fun (read:sex) with young women without the threat of wanting to settle down.

I was entertained and then I thought. Oh shit. Is that what he thinks of me?

Well, he's abt to get a wake up call! Lol

I'm not one to generalize. I hate those girls who are like...my ex was Jamaican and he did me wrong, so I don't date Jamaicans anymore.

My experience with older men are a mixed bag. Some wanted Nina, the sex goddess (oh yea, you know you want it baby!) Some wanted Nina, the Stepford Wife (is there anything else I can get you, dear?)Some wanted Nina to act her age (I already had a father) but none knew Nina at all.

I'm trying not to judge this dude bc he could be sincere and misunderstood. I'm intrigued by his (big cahones) heritage. We'll see what comes of it. If its anything like the past few guys...nothing.

Let's give 'em something to blog about, right?
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Updates!

Soooooo....
I got a job.

A temp job working at a health insurance company filing for 35 hrs a week until the end of March. I'm not complaining, just grumbling under my breath because I kind of had to take it but of course, didn't want to. February is a huge month for me and I need to devote my time to my business.
So, now, I work on my business on my hour lunch break and at home from 6-12. Wake up at 6:30am and go to work. Back to my sleep-deprived life.

I started last Monday and had Thursday and Friday of because of the holiday.

I visited my mom's family in South Carolina. Me and her family don't have the best of relationships and I was dreading seeing them.

But...it was actually fun. The last time they saw me, I was 13. It was my first Christmas after my dad died. It was a horrible time for me. I just wanted to be alone. My mom's family is huge. You couldn't even get peace and quiet during your shower.

Anyway, this time was different. I had no internet and spotty phone service for 4days. The bags under my eyes disappeared for a beat. Christmas was spent making pancakes with my brother. Jewells, a twitter friend, came to see me. She drove 3 hrs in the rain! To repay her, I made her flip the pancakes. :)

My brother Jr. went all gaga over her. It was hilarious. She is beautiful though. He was so embarrassing.

We opened gifts and went to my aunt's house that night. There was a bonfire, lots of food and later that night, there was fireworks.

My other brother came over with 7 of his 8 kids. Ummm, yea. They are all so beautiful and different. I told my mom he's making up for me and Jr.

It was great until on the way back, the ride was 17 hrs!!! Oh my! The last 5 hrs were the worst! Usually, it takes an hour to drive from the NJ Turnpike to my house. We get off at exit 13 and get on the Verazzano Bridge. Zip zip. We waited to get on to the exit for an hour before we realized that we were WAITING to even turn on to it!

We decided to take an alternate route. We decided to take exit 13A which let us off by Newark Airport. We drove through to try and get to the Holland Tunnel, missed the weird turn and had to turn around to get back on it. We waited in traffic and hour and a half to go 1 mile!

Horrible.

Mind you, I had to use the bathroom from the time we were on the turnpike.

I thought to myself, "Oh my God. Today is the day I will pee on myself."

It took a lot of prayer, begging and pleading with God to get us home without that happening.

Anyways...ya'll bear with me. Taking the job was a mistake. One from which I'm not sure how I will recover.
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and release

it's not all doom and gloom. i swear. things are just difficult but God remains faithful to me. this i know. one day i will look at this and smile.

Oh Dear God

Is what she said when I finished her makeup and my heart dropped. No one had ever reacted that way to my work. She had good reason. I was given 5 minutes to make magic happen. Literally. Although that's technically my job and I technically shouldve been able to come through, I didn't. I didn't want to push myself. I shouldn't have shown up. That's not what I do. I'm reliable. The makeup didn't look bad, in all actuality. Once the glue dried on her lashes, it wouldve been clear. All would be well. For that moment, she saw what was there and it wasn't that great. She ran. Her performance was coming up. She was stifling tears.

I was stifling my own. Maybe I'm not cut out for this.

I gathered my things and left.
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Jedi Mind Tricks: Powers of Deflection

Oddly, as much as I'm into Star Trek, I'm not into Star Wars....hmmmm....think I lost some nerd points a little bit.

Funniest thing happened tonight.
(And YW is going to kill me bc while this was happening, we were gchatting but I didn't tell her...sorry)

I was on the phone with a friend...(and gchatting with YW, lol) and the conversation was weird. Ever speak to someone who never admit their faults finally admit their faults and you're like wha??? Who the HELL are YOU and what have you done with so and so? Yea, that was me.

Anyway, imagine my surprise when Martian patches in on the other line.

(Of course, I clicked over)

Me: Hello (*im not being sexy, I just happen to sound sexy, sexy voice*)
Him: Hey Nina, what's up?
Me: (*still confused*) Nothing. How are you?
Him: I'm good. Listen, I'm about to be in your area. I was wondering if I could come through.
Me: (*mind racing*) (*checks time*) (*it's 10:30) (*looks at mirror*) (*looks at apartment*) (*all in 30 seconds*) Now? Actually, can I call you back in 20 mins. (I needed to finish relishing in this epiphany my friend was having)
Him: You know, you're right. I called you for the wrong reasons. You're a good friend. You don't deserve this.
Me: Hunh? (*hunh?*)
Him: Yea, I'm sorry.
Me: Ummm, ok. Can I still call you back? (what the eff)
Him: Yea

I clicked over and my friend had to call me back. I waited 20 mins and I really didn't want to call him back. What do you say? By then, the blonde moment had passed. He was trying to get the nookie. Ohhhhhhhhhhh. What's funny is...had this been a year ago, I would've been turning on the shower before he hung up. Let's go!

I called him back and it went straight to voice mail. 15mins later, he text(ed) me saying he was at his aunt's. He'd call me in a few.(*does not hold breath*)

What do you guys (*honestly*) think was the change of heart? I like to think my Jedi mind trick of deflecting (errr---penis?) kicked in.

Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night, eh?

(Btw, computer caught a virus which meant I had to restore my computer to factory settings, losing a bunch of important docs + I totally destroyed a site I built up over the past 2 weeks, thus the massive headache (boo!) but I spoke to my niece today and I'm going to meet her soon (yay!) and I interview a possible intern tomorrow (yay!))
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Celibate Girl at the Erotica Event

Tonight, Wynsters invited me to a comedic erotica fiction event. It was pretty great. (Went after a networking event I was at)

It was funny, insightful, shocking...etc.

For a slight moment, I was worried. I've been celibate since Jan 19th. Would listening to people talk about amazing sexcapades drive me off the wagon ready to hump the next sexy chocolate man that breezes my way?

Actually, I felt like such a Jesus freak. It solidified in my mind that I want to get married and lose myself in that person and do whatever it is my husband wants to do (short of other people and animals in the bedroom.) Let me tell you...I'm making up for the sexual frustration I feel in my eyelids, okay!

This lady talked of having an orgasm so deep she felt it in her heart, lungs, kidneys. I was like...dayum! I want that! She also said that she felt that people use sex bc they're searching for something spiritually. Interesting. This woman, Kenya Stephens (sp?) who has an open marriage thinks that...

Anyway, yes...on January 19th, which is a Tuesday, btw...I'm going out for drinks..

I thought, even if I have sex, I'll be having and giving a good time but I could not get naked like how I would with my husband. I'm not playing house anymore. With Afroman, I cooked, cleaned and put out. And for what? A man that would NOT marry me...not even if he knocked me up. Not after 6 years of whatever we were doing...chasing each other, I guess....

So, yea, in short...put a ring on it and I'll show you a good time, lol

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Straight Shooter

A friend said something to me in an a difference of opinions..(I don't argue) about how I'm a hypocrite because I said I wasn't going out but a few times a month and I wanted to go to First Saturdays this month about 2 weeks after I said that....and that I only say things to convince myself and that I'm the only one that believed it.

I didn't say it to him but that really hurt me.

I think if you get nothing else from this blog, you get that I'm figuring it all the eff out.

If I say, I'm going to be celibate for a year...and the next month I have sex, you know that I wasn't just saying it. I meant it and I struggled with keeping true to my word.

As a writer, words have always been powerful to me. Words can give and take life.

I spoke to a wonderful woman today, who at 28 is about to take her company on tour to 28 cities national and internationally. Amazing things. I asked her about friends, about wanting to settle down and have a family.

She told me that she had no intentions on even having a pet until she was at least close to 40. Her focus was inspiring. I told her about friends who don't understand my work ethic. I go to bed late, up early...don't want to hang out for the eff of it unless its going to be worth my while. I don't want to take extraneous trips and time off because I don't think I deserve it. I haven't worked hard enough for it.

She said if any friend tries to discourage me, that's it. cut them off.

Well, she didn't say that in so many words but that was the implied meaning.

Talking to Wynsters tonight, she said her friends are like her chosen family. Mine are too. I would hope it wouldn't come down to that but...you never know. It's bad enough I have my own thoughts and fears, I need all the positive reinforcement I can get it.

I guess, I don't know. I've been pushing manyt things out of my life. I no longer compete in pageants. I no longer talk to many of pageant friends. I haven't completely pushed every aspect of it out of my life but I'm trying to phase it out. It's a stronghold. I need to be focused and goal-oriented and driven but I don't want to drive out all the fun of my life or drive good people away from me. I don't want to wake up rich like Oprah and not have any friends. I mean, even Oprah has Gayle and Steadman, right? (I'm rambling...sleep-deprivation) I know that BFF gets on my neeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrves. I wanna slap her down to the ground sometimes but I can't forsee a day where she can't call on me and I on her. Just not possible. Our principle used to tell us in high school we were each other's 0nly friend. hmmmmmm.....

My Word!

Hello friends!

Yesterday, I met with a publicist that wants to represent me. An hour and a half later + 4 pages of things I need to do and I've got my work cut out for me. I love it, though. Some days I feel lost..I know there are things I have to do but I just don't know where to start.

I need to hire a lawyer and an intern.

I'm actually really excited to hire an intern! I need the free help! You really can't rely on friends...nope. Hopefully, its someone cool.

This weekend was interesting. Friday was sooooo cold! Omg! I just stayed in the house, watched Star Trek and fell asleep.

Saturday, another frigid day. I had to do a photo shoot and I was SO NOT PRESSED! I was upset with myself. I didn't give it 100%. I was so lethargic. My joints were achy. Drama! We'll see how it all came out...*sigh* I'll feel bad if it sucks. Everyone's entitled to an off day, I guess...I was OFF.

Gi's bf's party was that night. My throat was sore and I was so tired. I canceled on her. Chick had no heat or hot water in her apartment but made it to the party! Power of the D! Lol...

Sunday, went to church and heard a message that set my behind straight. It was about vision. How Samson had talent but no vision, so he wasted his time and connected with the wrong people and lost his annointment. I don't want that to be me.

Sunday evening, went to Twin's house...he made my New Year's Eve skirt...idk, I'm not liking it all the way....hmmmm....he made food and we kind of laid in the bed together. It was nice until he elbowed me in the face by accident which prompted me to pinch him really hard. He hit me in the throat and I kicked him. Its so easy to forget that Twin is 6"1, easily 300+ pounds and can fling me where ever...I quickly remembered. His weakness is tickling...I got him good. He was whining like a lil girl..muhahahahahaha.

I needed to be silly and laugh. It was great.
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no man is an island but i often feel alone.

and when i need peace....................................................i blog?
(please read my previous post)

i feel sad today. it is a sadness that just hit me actually. its not easy being green or having green blood as vulcans do.

i feel as though sadness is a distraction from the bigger picture which is my goals in life. so, i'm trying to shake it off.

moving on...
i had my 2nd phone conversation with hs. i don't know how to read him or how i feel about him. i'm not sure if the chemistry is there. he has some fascinating things to him. he's a doctor. he studied medicine in poland. he's african. he speaks yoruba. he's 29 and lives at home with his parents which he'll probably do until he finishes his residency.

i just keep thinking...is it me or do i not know how to date? has being celibate made me hyper-sensitive to things and do i need to chill the hell out?

in both conversations, his way of "teasing" me is by saying he's going to spank me. i asked him if he meant that in a sexual manner and he said no. tonight, we spoke about gay people. he asked me if i were bi. i said no. he said....if you were i'd give you some good 'd' and turn you out.

i guess i kind of walked into that one.

in our first conversation, i mentioned i give facials. ever since then, he's like when can i get one? i said you have to earn it. tonight, he's like, "so can I come over and get a facial?" i said, "yes, when you earn it." he said, "i guess i won't be getting one." he said he was playing but i'm just like hmmmmmmm....i'm trying not to read too too much into it.

i asked him what was he looking for as far as relationships.

he said, "a good sista so he can settle down."

good answer, yes...but i'm not buying it.

something doesn't jive well. maybe it's because i view him as someone to pass the time with...but i don't want him to view me that way..i know, not fair..arrgh.

i am just so sad right now...going to bed. hopefully, i will feel differently in the morning.

choices choices choices....

there are many decisions in our lives that we have to live with. i'm trying to wrap my head around certain things that are going on right now...i have no idea...*sigh*

i was supposed to go to an event last night that i decided not to go to..turns out i go to ybf and the event is posted there.

how do i reconcile that in myself? i made a bad decision.

my editor's mother had the hook-up for a movie spike lee is cosigning on..its an indie film and doesn't have a huge budget. it would've been $1,000 for 18 days of work. she decided to not call me about it. a friend went to the meeting. the woman chose to use another make-up artist. this is after she said she knows that i need the money and it would be great to have a spike lee movie under my belt. she decided go with someone else.

how do i come to grips with that? this black woman who says to be down for black women coming up...decided to choose someone else over me...(read between the lines)

there's so much more going on right now. i just don't understand. i don't understand. i don't understand.....how do you deal with the choices you don't understand? the choices of yours and others? maybe its not meant for me too...i can't cry about it. i just....don't know.there are other things..more hurtful things going on...i would talk about them here but i choose not to.

i feel like spock. (i'm turning into a star trek-head)...i feel like a lady vulcan. people think i have it under control. nothing bothers me because i don't scream and yell and tear my clothes off about it. but things affect me deeply. ever have one of those days where you are like...MY LIFE IS IN SHAMBLES!

Thankful for the Basics

I just did an event for GEMS organization. They basically take girls who were used as sex slaves and mentor them, re-connect them with their families and teach them there are other alternatives to what they were forced into....I was promoting my products and giving hand massages. These girls were all sooooo young....like under 21, some under 18 and this one girl was so sweet. She was pregnant. She had the lightest eyes. She looked like a little angel. She cuts herself. It was breaking my heart.

Another girl talked about her mom smoking weed in front of her, wanting to party with her...saying how she's gay and doesn't want boys looking at her....was like...wow.

I'm so happy to be apart of a network of women who empower each other and I can be apart of something as powerful as that.

It made me think of my childhood. It sucked but I wasn't forced to have sex with strangers. My parents were so over-protective, all the bad stuff that happened to me...I got myself into it. For this, I'm thankful.
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Take A Stand

(Another long one)

God is amazing.

I went to church this morning at 9am. I came home and ate. Read postsecret and started balling at one of the secrets the girl in the video shared.

She said: "I act like an idiot because there's a void in my life."

I totally feel that way. I cried..."Lord, what am I missing? I have you, a business, friends? Is it because of a man? What is it?

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Today was communion service at 5pm. I filmed me doing makeup. As I got dressed, my shoe which had a small tear in it, open up all the way. Mind you, its my first time wearing the shoe today.
I had to change shoes which means I had to change shirts. I was cutting it close and missed the 4:30 bus. 2 buses passed me by.

All this week, I felt so distracted, completely unmotivated. I felt like there was a destructive force that was making me deter from this path. I was contemplating breaking my celibacy. I've been so pressed to call someone...do something... And then I felt like that same force was trying to keep me from communion. It kept telling me to go home...I'm going to be late. I get there and I remembered that scripture that says if you have an alt with your brother, you can't take communion. All this was telling me to leave. I decided to stay.

The message was amazing.
My pastor began prophesying to people in the congregation.
I found myself face to the floor sobbing hysterically begging for God to speak to me.

I'm so private and so cool about things...everyone sat down and I was still on the floor. I felt my face go hot but I couldn't control myself.

My pastor spoke my name and spoke some things into my life. It was amazing. I still can't believe it.
My make-up was so pretty...all ruined. My lashes had to come off. I was a mess.

I immediately knew that my life would not be the same again and I knew there would be naysayers.

I tweeted:
"I asked God to speak to me. He did. My life will not be the same. Pls don't RT or @ me."

The first person and only person to say something was Afroman.

"If you didn't want anyone to respond, why tweet it?"

I just wanted to get it out.

"I suggest you unfollow me."

Afroman is a stark atheist. When we were together, he was "spiritual." He believed in God but he didn't want to call it God. Ever since then...he went further down and down....

We've had plenty of debates and he just refuses to hear. I didn't have any energy to refute or debate. I figured it was just time to let him go.

I thought of why I was holding on. The fact that he's having a child with the person he's having a child with is like a stab in my heart every time I think about it. I finally get it. Even if we were together, he wouldn't give me what I want ultimately...which is a ring.

Its the same with other men in my life. I'm chasing the wrong things.

I talked to Brother Wise for a long time today. I let him go in a way, too. He can't give me what I want either. He's chosen to close his heart to anyone. He said the best of him was lost after we messed around. He said he was only pieces of the good man he once was. Women have stomped on his heart. I told him to have faith still.

He doesn't.
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frustration.

tonight was a very frustrating day. it didn't have to be what it was.
an acquaintance died. he was only 28. we had our ups and downs. when he died, we were up and although i'm anti-funerals, i wanted to say goodbye.
j was late in picking me up...as usual. we missed the funeral. however, we didn't know until we picked up k. we called k when we were 40 blocks away to tell her to come downstairs, yet we still waited 10 minutes for her to come down. wtf?

i got frustrated because #1. we missed dude's funeral. #2. wtf? why do people play with time the way they do? i'm a prompt person. if i'm running late, i let you know ahead of time because let's face it..we know when we're cutting it close. my philosophy is i'd rather wait on you than have you wait on me. i've learned this lesson along the way....you can't expect people to live their lives the way you live yours. fine. so, instead of moving along with our day, we sat in the car and talked for an hour and a half. i don't particularly care for k. she's the opposite of my personality...which is fine, i'd just rather not be around her but she's close to j. if we weren't going to go to the funeral..there were other things i could do with my day than sit in a car in the rain and talk when you guys could converse over the phone.

fine.

i got home. texted bff if she was still going out. she said yes. her and her 2 friends were coming too. great. i wanted to film me doing bff's make-up for my other blog. this week didn't work out for various reasons...i'm not a fan of doing make-up and sitting in the house anymore. it has to have a purpose. when i first started out, we would do that because i wasn't really sure of what i was doing but i know now.plus, as a working artist, the make-up i'm using "for fun" is a waste of my resources.

at 5:30, she calls me.

"have you seen the winter wonderland outside?"

i say no...and look outside. it looks like it was raining. it was actually snow but it wasn't sticking and apparently it was cold.

me: "so what are you saying? you don't want to go anymore?"
bff: "no, that's not what i'm saying. come over and we'll talk about it.."
me: "listen, don't have me come to your house and you don't want to go out because if i'm going to stay home tonight, i might as well stay at my house, ok? now, do you want to go out yes or no?"
bff: "just come over."
me: "ok"

so, i get there.

bff: "hey wilderness"
me: "wilderness?"
bff: "that's your nickname for the night. you want to go out in that mess."
me: "i don't like that name..."

for the record, it wasn't even that bad outside.

i get upstairs. she's stalling...talking to her parents. i see toni in her room. i'm like...does she want to go out, yes or no? toni is like "you're going to have to convince her." i said, "i ain't convincing shit. i told her not to make me come out here if we weren't going out."toni looked scared. she's never seen me pissed. to make matters worse, i couldn't find my debit card. "she knew when she talked to me a half hr ago she didn't want to go out right?" "pretty much..."
wtf???

i start to put on my coat.

toni is like...hear her out.

(bff was in another room.)

she calls out to me.

bff:"we still going out tonight?"
me: "you tell me."
bff:no, you tell me."
me: "yes."
bff:"how do you justify going out?"
me:"well, its fun and we don't have to be in the house on yet another saturday night. its free to get in."
bff:"no, we'll have to pay for transportation."
me:"okay what? $10-$15 split 3 ways?"
bff:""2 ways, toni isn't working."
me: "so, what are you saying? didn't i specifically ask you if you wanted to go out before i got here? i told you not to have me come here if you didn't want to go out. why did you have me come here if i told you not to do that?"
bff: "well, i know you wanted to film the make-up so i thought we could do that worse case scenario and then i could take you home."
me: "that's not what i asked. i'm going home now. i'm taking the bus home."
bff: "like i said, i will take you home."
me: "like i said, i'm taking the bus."

i packed my stuff and was like..lock the door. i was so pissed off. i was hot! hot! hot!
i felt like #1. bff was trying to manipulate the situation. if i specifically asked if you to not tell me to come over if we weren't sticking to the original go out plan then why would you do just that? and then try to flip it. my thing is - is that i always have to pry her out of the house with the jaws of life. the girl is 24 years old and all she does is clean and hang out with her parents...oh and mess with men who have girlfriends. wtf? we just talked the day before about her wanting and needing a social life and then bam. #2. WHAT ABOUT ME? if she had told me when i asked her, i would've asked someone else to go out with me which i did. how selfish is it to assume if she didn't want to go out, i would just stay home with her if that's not what i wanted to do? but also...does bff know my emotional state right now? i'm also pissed because the people who read my blog have supported my business. twin has supported me. my oldest friend has never even read my blog. she's never seen a youtube. she's never seen my website. if you asked her how much my scrubs are...but last week, she asked for a friendship discount..are you effing serious? i never ask anything of anyone around me. no man is an island but i often feel alone - for real. i guess its evident, it was more than about tonight. just frustration around a lot of things. but going out was a big thing. because...every time i ask her to go out..i hear 10 excuses, "oh i have chores, oh i don't have anything to wear, oh i don't feel like it." come on!

i called j to vent. he ended up telling me his problems. *sigh*

anyway, i went out with a client. kiki. the plan was to go to first saturdays and then to the vault in the city and meet up with wynsters. kiki is nice. she means well but man! she talks soooooo much. that was frustrating me even more. like, shut the eff up...let's just dance to the music. no, she wants to have a conversation. we found tj, this dude bff used to mess with. and he's a big house fanatic. he taught us some moves. he broke up the tension between me and kiki. then, my phone has been on the fritz lately. i had no service and was stressing about wynsters. i didn't want her to be waiting for me. also, i've been seeing this same dude ever since i've been going to first saturdays. we speak. this time, we spoke but it was like...he wasn't trying to holler.

i felt so rejected. it just added to the situation.
i decided to dance it out. ran into a friend who offered me some extra cash in may. cool. she spilled red wine on my white shirt. arrgh.

i decided to dance it out.

you ever feel like things are just piling on and on and on and you just want to scream but you cant. i danced my lil heart all spastic. how the heck do you dance to house music anyway? lol

after it was over, i was looking for dude. i mean really, let's seal the effing deal. kiki kept talking..oh em gee. she said she could tell i was disappointed about something and i didn't feel like talking...but...she.kept.talking.

no worries.

hey sexy guy walked by and waved. i waved back.

that's it? whhhhhhhhhatt the fuck, man?

5 minutes passed. he came back and spoke. i'll call him hs (short for hey sexy, lol, for now) he's 29. he's a doctor. he wants to be a cardiologist. good stuff. he asked me about school and stuff. i told him i have my own business. i asked him for his number. he gave it to me. i asked him if he was going to pick up when i call. he was like, of course. he said he'll be in the library tomorrow.

damn...29 and still in the library studying...damn homie! lol...we'll see if he pulls a hoodini or if he's a cool dude.

all in all, i had fun..sorta. i got the guy...sorta. i just need a break. in life there are no breaks.
that's why i blog. thanks for reading...i know this is hella long.

end note:
i'm so sick of pushing people and pushing people and trying to gnash my teeth and trying to pull something out of them. i try and pull the best of my friends out of them and encourage them to be great. i can't give up and i don't want to give up. i feel like if i don't encourage myself and if i didn't have twin, yw, trish, or wynsters in my life to encourage me...my friends would let me sit on the side of the road and not accomplish anything.

what's that saying?

thankful for you guys. :)

How I Feel Right this Second.

I'm the only person in the world that doesn't manipulate you. I'm the only person in the world that doesn't take advantage to you. I'm the only person in the world that doesn't judge you. I listen to you without bias. I listen to you as you analyze every part of your life. I'm there for you no matter what. I'm there. All the time. Not one time have you needed me...really needed me and I haven't been there front and center, on time every time. But you're inconvenienced now and you didn't feel like it. And so, fine. That's fine. I'm so sick of people and their defeatist attitude. I'm sick of people not listening to me. If you will listen I will talk to you. For years, I've felt as though you were just waiting to say what you wanted to say...to say how you feel never mind paying attention to how I feel. And that is fine. Because one day, I'll stop talking and we'll all be in trouble.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Changes

Today is the first day of a brand new way of life. Yes, my schedule is crazy and always changing but I'm determined to make this new meal plan thingie work.

Breakfast today:
1st I had a 1/2 cup of water to make sure I wasn't thirsty, thus causing myself to down a whole bunch of juice when my body needs water.

1/2 bagel with creamcheese (was supposed to be the full bagel but I burned the other half by accident...)
1 cup chunky pineapples
1 cup orange juice.

and I'm full.

I was supposed to wake up at 8, I woke up at 10:30. My body is tired. That threw off my whole scheduled eating time. So breakfast was at 11. Snack will be at 1. Lunch will be at 3. Snack at 5. Dinner will be off because I'm going out....so I'm trying to work on that...idk. Maybe dinner at 5. ahhhhhhh...idk.

But, in case you care.

Snack - Peanut Butter and Jelly, Banana, 1 cup juice
Lunch - I'm thinking tacos...home-made of course. (The money I spent on groceries will cut out spending money on food outside of the house) or a soup, 1/2 sandwich, juice combo.
Snack - Popcorn and fruit.
Dinner - BBQ Chicken

(IF I plan on going to bed at 1, like I usually do..I plan another snack of 1 cup of popcorn and an apple or something)

Notice the trend, every snack has some type of fruit. Every meal (except breakfast) is supposed to have a salad but the ghetto grocery store I go to, their lettuce looked horrible and I'm not paying Dole $4 for a pre-made salad when I'm so darn picky about what they put in it....

So....I guess that's my food diary. This blog will not turn into a diet/food/weightloss blog. I just need to talk to someone about this.

Thanks for listening. =D

thoughts thoughts thoughts...

So, YW's post changed my whole train of thought just now...lol. And now I'm thinking....about sex.

When I think of sex, I think of the good stuff...really. The lust between Aussie and I was palpable.So much so, that it ruined us....but the sex was phenomenal! (lol)

Sex with Blair changed my life. It was the first time that I was exhausted from having sex and I could just fall asleep. It made me realize that the marathon sessions I had with Dame and Afroman was not because I was a nympho...it was because I wasn't satisfied. I loved Afroman with everything in me and I still love him a lot so I would hate for him to read that (he's always been aware of my blog...the only man I've dated to know of it) but yea... If I could merge the love I had Afroman with the animal intensity of Blair and the freakiness of Dame and Aussie...I would be pregnant. but happy. lol

I'm still very much celibate although Blair randomly calls me.It's so funny. Its like he can sense when I'm ready to pounce on something. He calls at the perfect time but I either say no or ignore the phone call because frankly, he's selfish.

When I'm ready to break this celibacy...I'm BREAKING IT with a big ole bang. (literally and hopefully...hehe)

I'm holding out for something real. That means a lover that's going to be well-endowed, knows how to steer the ship and will spend some quality time making sure that I am thoroughly pleased.

***UPDATED***
I re-read some of my old posts with Blair and Aussie. I see why those of you who read my blog love it...so real. I remember those feelings. I don't think I could ever water down how I feel. You guys don't deserve that.

This is a Post About Control

Yea, I know I used this title before but...consider this a part deux. Deal? Deal.

I was riding on the train today from a job interview feeling so conflicted. Where am I going? What am I doing? Yadda yadda psycho-analytical mumbo jumbo. Then it hit me.

I need to take more control over my life.

Yes, I'm doing what I want but am I working hard enough? Yes. Am I working smart? No. I don't feel at harmony with my life and if I don't change, I will have carved out a life where I hate myself.

I see the signs that I might be slipping into a depression again. My space is cluttered. I can't finish even the smallest meals but there's always room for ice cream and kit kat bars which I have been OD'ing on lately, btw. I have to coax myself into the shower every morning. It's starting to get rough. With depression, it is a slippery slope, friends....if you don't catch yourself, you'll find that you have been in bed for days and have wasted so much time.

I know I haven't really dealt with why I get depressed on this blog nor have I discussed it with anyone but myself. Even my closest of friends have no idea I have issues with it, moreover, how bad its gotten in the past. Depression is the silent killer. Like carbon monoxide for real.

Don't ask me to talk about it. It's like talking about how much money you make. Yes, people want to know but no one wants to bring it up, lol.

Anywhosies....
I'm on a food journey ya'll.

I'm on a journey period.

My relationships with food were never great. I was always a bigger kid although I was always active. I've always rollerbladed, rode my bikes up and down the block. I was into dance as a child. As a teenager, I was still into dance, I played soccer and ran track. My body is naturally a size 12 at its smallest. Right now, I'm a size 20. *insert gasp*

I remember being like 8 when my aunts said I would be so much prettier if I were thinner. My mom would reassure everyone by saying it was just baby fat. Of course, everyone always blamed my weight on food even though I hardly ate. I'm very very picky. I remember 1 thanksgiving...the only thing I would eat at my family dinner was mac n cheese. My mom reminded me of that this year. My family would force me to eat other things because well...idk.

When my family drama spiked around when I was 10-11. I remember sneaking into the kitchen and taking the tub of koolaid and eating it with a wet spoon. I remember eating cake frosting...anything sugary.

I had a crush on my brother's best friend. He would ridicule me by asking me how many cheeseburgers I ate a day.

Thank God, I can't throw up (side note: I believe that I can't throw up. I can gag but nothing comes up. It's been like that since I can remember) or else I'm sure I would've been bullimic or something. I do remember trying (and failing) at being anorexic. I would binge eat and then starve myself. Being apart of a black family...especially because my mom's southern hospitality kicks in when it wants to- you have to eat..they practically shove food down your throat...it kind of kills trying to starve yourself in this type of environment.

When I was 16, I decided to be vegetarian. I would like to say my eating habits got better but I'd be lying. When I was 17, I went off to college (I skipped a grade) and veggie options were primarily soup. That's when I discovered caffeine. Coca-Cola sponsored my campus so there were literally fountain sodas everywhere and it was only $1 for the jumbo cup. My roommate and I (before she turned into a psycho-racist...another post) would fight (her) hangovers by eating pancakes and icecream ( my fave was 1 scoop coffee, 1 scoop strawberry with waffle cone and caramel in it...*bliss*) every Sunday morning (for the first semester before psycho-racism came up). So, yea...you can see where the problem just festered.

Lately, I will go for hours not eating. Its like my stomach doesn't hurt anymore. I only eat when I feel faint or light-headed...not good. I'm like a college kid all over again...drinking at least 2 bottles of Pepsi a day. I don't buy 2 Liters bc I don't want it in the house but then I jones for it and go to the store.

Soda is like liquid fat and I remember one year, the OBGYN told me if I cut out soda completely for 1 year, I could lose at least 20 pounds.

Before you guys fall asleep on me....(lol)
I've decided to take better control of my life including everything...my food, friends, happiness, job, business....

Food.
I realize...I have to learn how to eat. How often, the food groups, yadda ya...
It's crazy.
I learned, I eat too fast. Blame crappy jobs with only 30 mins to eat. 15 of those mins are spent getting food..then you have to shove it in your mouth as fast as you can...bad bad bad...I literally can eat a meal in 10 mins. This causes you to overeat bc you don't give your body time enough to register its full. I'm training myself to eat while watching CSI or something so that I can distract myself from goal-eating. The goal: finish it all.

I'm working on a budget (of course) and I'm planning my meals in advance. I'm also planning other things too...like Sunday is going to be my day to clean the house, make a weekly goals list, plan meals and watch Star Trek (cbs.com has it online - the first 3 seasons of the original series....yea, I know...I'm a nerd, whatver.) Its going to take some getting used to but I have to train myself on how to do these things. The worst thing I can do is pass on these unhealthy habits to my kids. Plus, how long can your body live off of Pepsi and sandwiches?

Man can't live off bread alone, right?
P.S. You guys are the only ones that know. Its my journey..I don't need people adding their 2 cents..and watching me.

Yes, my goal is to be at harmony with myself. Each part of my life needs to be developed and fulfilling. I'm deficient in almost all areas of my life. I need to fix it. I think this is an integral part of joy. Happiness is fleeting...joy comes from the inside. Wish me luck. I'll keep ya'll posted. Tomorrow is grocery day. Today is the first day of the rest of my life :)