Monday, December 7, 2009

Take A Stand

(Another long one)

God is amazing.

I went to church this morning at 9am. I came home and ate. Read postsecret and started balling at one of the secrets the girl in the video shared.

She said: "I act like an idiot because there's a void in my life."

I totally feel that way. I cried..."Lord, what am I missing? I have you, a business, friends? Is it because of a man? What is it?

Today was communion service at 5pm. I filmed me doing makeup. As I got dressed, my shoe which had a small tear in it, open up all the way. Mind you, its my first time wearing the shoe today.
I had to change shoes which means I had to change shirts. I was cutting it close and missed the 4:30 bus. 2 buses passed me by.

All this week, I felt so distracted, completely unmotivated. I felt like there was a destructive force that was making me deter from this path. I was contemplating breaking my celibacy. I've been so pressed to call something... And then I felt like that same force was trying to keep me from communion. It kept telling me to go home...I'm going to be late. I get there and I remembered that scripture that says if you have an alt with your brother, you can't take communion. All this was telling me to leave. I decided to stay.

The message was amazing.
My pastor began prophesying to people in the congregation.
I found myself face to the floor sobbing hysterically begging for God to speak to me.

I'm so private and so cool about things...everyone sat down and I was still on the floor. I felt my face go hot but I couldn't control myself.

My pastor spoke my name and spoke some things into my life. It was amazing. I still can't believe it.
My make-up was so pretty...all ruined. My lashes had to come off. I was a mess.

I immediately knew that my life would not be the same again and I knew there would be naysayers.

I tweeted:
"I asked God to speak to me. He did. My life will not be the same. Pls don't RT or @ me."

The first person and only person to say something was Afroman.

"If you didn't want anyone to respond, why tweet it?"

I just wanted to get it out.

"I suggest you unfollow me."

Afroman is a stark atheist. When we were together, he was "spiritual." He believed in God but he didn't want to call it God. Ever since then...he went further down and down....

We've had plenty of debates and he just refuses to hear. I didn't have any energy to refute or debate. I figured it was just time to let him go.

I thought of why I was holding on. The fact that he's having a child with the person he's having a child with is like a stab in my heart every time I think about it. I finally get it. Even if we were together, he wouldn't give me what I want ultimately...which is a ring.

Its the same with other men in my life. I'm chasing the wrong things.

I talked to Brother Wise for a long time today. I let him go in a way, too. He can't give me what I want either. He's chosen to close his heart to anyone. He said the best of him was lost after we messed around. He said he was only pieces of the good man he once was. Women have stomped on his heart. I told him to have faith still.

He doesn't.
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