Thursday, December 10, 2009

choices choices choices....

there are many decisions in our lives that we have to live with. i'm trying to wrap my head around certain things that are going on right now...i have no idea...*sigh*

i was supposed to go to an event last night that i decided not to go to..turns out i go to ybf and the event is posted there.

how do i reconcile that in myself? i made a bad decision.

my editor's mother had the hook-up for a movie spike lee is cosigning on..its an indie film and doesn't have a huge budget. it would've been $1,000 for 18 days of work. she decided to not call me about it. a friend went to the meeting. the woman chose to use another make-up artist. this is after she said she knows that i need the money and it would be great to have a spike lee movie under my belt. she decided go with someone else.

how do i come to grips with that? this black woman who says to be down for black women coming up...decided to choose someone else over me...(read between the lines)

there's so much more going on right now. i just don't understand. i don't understand. i don't understand.....how do you deal with the choices you don't understand? the choices of yours and others? maybe its not meant for me too...i can't cry about it. i just....don't know.there are other things..more hurtful things going on...i would talk about them here but i choose not to.

i feel like spock. (i'm turning into a star trek-head)...i feel like a lady vulcan. people think i have it under control. nothing bothers me because i don't scream and yell and tear my clothes off about it. but things affect me deeply. ever have one of those days where you are like...MY LIFE IS IN SHAMBLES!

4 comments:

Jaded said...

I always feel like my life is in shambles. Like I'm a foot away from tumbling over a real steep edge. It sucks.

Trish said...

Man I had wrote a great post but my phone deleted it! Basically that lady will get what she has coming to her. You will get your big break and I'm excited for you!!

Young woman on a journey said...

i cosign what jaded said. shit, i'm scared to go out these days lest something trigger a break down.

as far as that woman, just chuck it up to it wasn't made for you. You have faith and i KNOW of all people, you know that something greater is being prepared for you, and no one's decisions can change that!

Ms. Insatiable said...

It simply was not the opportunity that you felt was right for you at the time. Call it divine intervention.