Tuesday, December 1, 2009

This is a Post About Control

Yea, I know I used this title before but...consider this a part deux. Deal? Deal.

I was riding on the train today from a job interview feeling so conflicted. Where am I going? What am I doing? Yadda yadda psycho-analytical mumbo jumbo. Then it hit me.

I need to take more control over my life.

Yes, I'm doing what I want but am I working hard enough? Yes. Am I working smart? No. I don't feel at harmony with my life and if I don't change, I will have carved out a life where I hate myself.

I see the signs that I might be slipping into a depression again. My space is cluttered. I can't finish even the smallest meals but there's always room for ice cream and kit kat bars which I have been OD'ing on lately, btw. I have to coax myself into the shower every morning. It's starting to get rough. With depression, it is a slippery slope, friends....if you don't catch yourself, you'll find that you have been in bed for days and have wasted so much time.

I know I haven't really dealt with why I get depressed on this blog nor have I discussed it with anyone but myself. Even my closest of friends have no idea I have issues with it, moreover, how bad its gotten in the past. Depression is the silent killer. Like carbon monoxide for real.

Don't ask me to talk about it. It's like talking about how much money you make. Yes, people want to know but no one wants to bring it up, lol.

Anywhosies....
I'm on a food journey ya'll.

I'm on a journey period.

My relationships with food were never great. I was always a bigger kid although I was always active. I've always rollerbladed, rode my bikes up and down the block. I was into dance as a child. As a teenager, I was still into dance, I played soccer and ran track. My body is naturally a size 12 at its smallest. Right now, I'm a size 20. *insert gasp*

I remember being like 8 when my aunts said I would be so much prettier if I were thinner. My mom would reassure everyone by saying it was just baby fat. Of course, everyone always blamed my weight on food even though I hardly ate. I'm very very picky. I remember 1 thanksgiving...the only thing I would eat at my family dinner was mac n cheese. My mom reminded me of that this year. My family would force me to eat other things because well...idk.

When my family drama spiked around when I was 10-11. I remember sneaking into the kitchen and taking the tub of koolaid and eating it with a wet spoon. I remember eating cake frosting...anything sugary.

I had a crush on my brother's best friend. He would ridicule me by asking me how many cheeseburgers I ate a day.

Thank God, I can't throw up (side note: I believe that I can't throw up. I can gag but nothing comes up. It's been like that since I can remember) or else I'm sure I would've been bullimic or something. I do remember trying (and failing) at being anorexic. I would binge eat and then starve myself. Being apart of a black family...especially because my mom's southern hospitality kicks in when it wants to- you have to eat..they practically shove food down your throat...it kind of kills trying to starve yourself in this type of environment.

When I was 16, I decided to be vegetarian. I would like to say my eating habits got better but I'd be lying. When I was 17, I went off to college (I skipped a grade) and veggie options were primarily soup. That's when I discovered caffeine. Coca-Cola sponsored my campus so there were literally fountain sodas everywhere and it was only $1 for the jumbo cup. My roommate and I (before she turned into a psycho-racist...another post) would fight (her) hangovers by eating pancakes and icecream ( my fave was 1 scoop coffee, 1 scoop strawberry with waffle cone and caramel in it...*bliss*) every Sunday morning (for the first semester before psycho-racism came up). So, yea...you can see where the problem just festered.

Lately, I will go for hours not eating. Its like my stomach doesn't hurt anymore. I only eat when I feel faint or light-headed...not good. I'm like a college kid all over again...drinking at least 2 bottles of Pepsi a day. I don't buy 2 Liters bc I don't want it in the house but then I jones for it and go to the store.

Soda is like liquid fat and I remember one year, the OBGYN told me if I cut out soda completely for 1 year, I could lose at least 20 pounds.

Before you guys fall asleep on me....(lol)
I've decided to take better control of my life including everything...my food, friends, happiness, job, business....

Food.
I realize...I have to learn how to eat. How often, the food groups, yadda ya...
It's crazy.
I learned, I eat too fast. Blame crappy jobs with only 30 mins to eat. 15 of those mins are spent getting food..then you have to shove it in your mouth as fast as you can...bad bad bad...I literally can eat a meal in 10 mins. This causes you to overeat bc you don't give your body time enough to register its full. I'm training myself to eat while watching CSI or something so that I can distract myself from goal-eating. The goal: finish it all.

I'm working on a budget (of course) and I'm planning my meals in advance. I'm also planning other things too...like Sunday is going to be my day to clean the house, make a weekly goals list, plan meals and watch Star Trek (cbs.com has it online - the first 3 seasons of the original series....yea, I know...I'm a nerd, whatver.) Its going to take some getting used to but I have to train myself on how to do these things. The worst thing I can do is pass on these unhealthy habits to my kids. Plus, how long can your body live off of Pepsi and sandwiches?

Man can't live off bread alone, right?
P.S. You guys are the only ones that know. Its my journey..I don't need people adding their 2 cents..and watching me.

Yes, my goal is to be at harmony with myself. Each part of my life needs to be developed and fulfilling. I'm deficient in almost all areas of my life. I need to fix it. I think this is an integral part of joy. Happiness is fleeting...joy comes from the inside. Wish me luck. I'll keep ya'll posted. Tomorrow is grocery day. Today is the first day of the rest of my life :)

2 comments:

K said...

girl I can't even begin to tell you- how much I identify with this post...wow..."Depression is the silent killer" "I see the signs that I might be slipping into a depression again. My space is cluttered. I can't finish even the smallest meals but there's always room for ice cream and kit kat bars which I have been OD'ing on lately, btw. I have to coax myself into the shower every morning. It's starting to get rough. With depression, it is a slippery slope, friends....if you don't catch yourself, you'll find that you have been in bed for days and have wasted so much time."

Ms. Insatiable said...

I think many of us have turned to food when depressed or stressed. I do it all the time but you have to make a serious effort to take your healthy more seriously, ma. You don't want to end up with diabetes are worse. WE are too fine to be dying off so young.

Might I recommend a great fitness I joined www.sparkpeople.com I love it! it's really helped me lately with finally getting off my ass to lose the weight from my pregnancy a year ago.