A friend said something to me in an a difference of opinions..(I don't argue) about how I'm a hypocrite because I said I wasn't going out but a few times a month and I wanted to go to First Saturdays this month about 2 weeks after I said that....and that I only say things to convince myself and that I'm the only one that believed it.
I didn't say it to him but that really hurt me.
I think if you get nothing else from this blog, you get that I'm figuring it all the eff out.
If I say, I'm going to be celibate for a year...and the next month I have sex, you know that I wasn't just saying it. I meant it and I struggled with keeping true to my word.
As a writer, words have always been powerful to me. Words can give and take life.
I spoke to a wonderful woman today, who at 28 is about to take her company on tour to 28 cities national and internationally. Amazing things. I asked her about friends, about wanting to settle down and have a family.
She told me that she had no intentions on even having a pet until she was at least close to 40. Her focus was inspiring. I told her about friends who don't understand my work ethic. I go to bed late, up early...don't want to hang out for the eff of it unless its going to be worth my while. I don't want to take extraneous trips and time off because I don't think I deserve it. I haven't worked hard enough for it.
She said if any friend tries to discourage me, that's it. cut them off.
Well, she didn't say that in so many words but that was the implied meaning.
Talking to Wynsters tonight, she said her friends are like her chosen family. Mine are too. I would hope it wouldn't come down to that but...you never know. It's bad enough I have my own thoughts and fears, I need all the positive reinforcement I can get it.
I guess, I don't know. I've been pushing manyt things out of my life. I no longer compete in pageants. I no longer talk to many of pageant friends. I haven't completely pushed every aspect of it out of my life but I'm trying to phase it out. It's a stronghold. I need to be focused and goal-oriented and driven but I don't want to drive out all the fun of my life or drive good people away from me. I don't want to wake up rich like Oprah and not have any friends. I mean, even Oprah has Gayle and Steadman, right? (I'm rambling...sleep-deprivation) I know that BFF gets on my neeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrves. I wanna slap her down to the ground sometimes but I can't forsee a day where she can't call on me and I on her. Just not possible. Our principle used to tell us in high school we were each other's 0nly friend. hmmmmmm.....