Sunday, December 6, 2009


tonight was a very frustrating day. it didn't have to be what it was.
an acquaintance died. he was only 28. we had our ups and downs. when he died, we were up and although i'm anti-funerals, i wanted to say goodbye.
j was late in picking me usual. we missed the funeral. however, we didn't know until we picked up k. we called k when we were 40 blocks away to tell her to come downstairs, yet we still waited 10 minutes for her to come down. wtf?

i got frustrated because #1. we missed dude's funeral. #2. wtf? why do people play with time the way they do? i'm a prompt person. if i'm running late, i let you know ahead of time because let's face it..we know when we're cutting it close. my philosophy is i'd rather wait on you than have you wait on me. i've learned this lesson along the can't expect people to live their lives the way you live yours. fine. so, instead of moving along with our day, we sat in the car and talked for an hour and a half. i don't particularly care for k. she's the opposite of my personality...which is fine, i'd just rather not be around her but she's close to j. if we weren't going to go to the funeral..there were other things i could do with my day than sit in a car in the rain and talk when you guys could converse over the phone.


i got home. texted bff if she was still going out. she said yes. her and her 2 friends were coming too. great. i wanted to film me doing bff's make-up for my other blog. this week didn't work out for various reasons...i'm not a fan of doing make-up and sitting in the house anymore. it has to have a purpose. when i first started out, we would do that because i wasn't really sure of what i was doing but i know, as a working artist, the make-up i'm using "for fun" is a waste of my resources.

at 5:30, she calls me.

"have you seen the winter wonderland outside?"

i say no...and look outside. it looks like it was raining. it was actually snow but it wasn't sticking and apparently it was cold.

me: "so what are you saying? you don't want to go anymore?"
bff: "no, that's not what i'm saying. come over and we'll talk about it.."
me: "listen, don't have me come to your house and you don't want to go out because if i'm going to stay home tonight, i might as well stay at my house, ok? now, do you want to go out yes or no?"
bff: "just come over."
me: "ok"

so, i get there.

bff: "hey wilderness"
me: "wilderness?"
bff: "that's your nickname for the night. you want to go out in that mess."
me: "i don't like that name..."

for the record, it wasn't even that bad outside.

i get upstairs. she's stalling...talking to her parents. i see toni in her room. i'm like...does she want to go out, yes or no? toni is like "you're going to have to convince her." i said, "i ain't convincing shit. i told her not to make me come out here if we weren't going out."toni looked scared. she's never seen me pissed. to make matters worse, i couldn't find my debit card. "she knew when she talked to me a half hr ago she didn't want to go out right?" "pretty much..."

i start to put on my coat.

toni is like...hear her out.

(bff was in another room.)

she calls out to me.

bff:"we still going out tonight?"
me: "you tell me."
bff:no, you tell me."
me: "yes."
bff:"how do you justify going out?"
me:"well, its fun and we don't have to be in the house on yet another saturday night. its free to get in."
bff:"no, we'll have to pay for transportation."
me:"okay what? $10-$15 split 3 ways?"
bff:""2 ways, toni isn't working."
me: "so, what are you saying? didn't i specifically ask you if you wanted to go out before i got here? i told you not to have me come here if you didn't want to go out. why did you have me come here if i told you not to do that?"
bff: "well, i know you wanted to film the make-up so i thought we could do that worse case scenario and then i could take you home."
me: "that's not what i asked. i'm going home now. i'm taking the bus home."
bff: "like i said, i will take you home."
me: "like i said, i'm taking the bus."

i packed my stuff and was like..lock the door. i was so pissed off. i was hot! hot! hot!
i felt like #1. bff was trying to manipulate the situation. if i specifically asked if you to not tell me to come over if we weren't sticking to the original go out plan then why would you do just that? and then try to flip it. my thing is - is that i always have to pry her out of the house with the jaws of life. the girl is 24 years old and all she does is clean and hang out with her parents...oh and mess with men who have girlfriends. wtf? we just talked the day before about her wanting and needing a social life and then bam. #2. WHAT ABOUT ME? if she had told me when i asked her, i would've asked someone else to go out with me which i did. how selfish is it to assume if she didn't want to go out, i would just stay home with her if that's not what i wanted to do? but also...does bff know my emotional state right now? i'm also pissed because the people who read my blog have supported my business. twin has supported me. my oldest friend has never even read my blog. she's never seen a youtube. she's never seen my website. if you asked her how much my scrubs are...but last week, she asked for a friendship discount..are you effing serious? i never ask anything of anyone around me. no man is an island but i often feel alone - for real. i guess its evident, it was more than about tonight. just frustration around a lot of things. but going out was a big thing. because...every time i ask her to go out..i hear 10 excuses, "oh i have chores, oh i don't have anything to wear, oh i don't feel like it." come on!

i called j to vent. he ended up telling me his problems. *sigh*

anyway, i went out with a client. kiki. the plan was to go to first saturdays and then to the vault in the city and meet up with wynsters. kiki is nice. she means well but man! she talks soooooo much. that was frustrating me even more. like, shut the eff up...let's just dance to the music. no, she wants to have a conversation. we found tj, this dude bff used to mess with. and he's a big house fanatic. he taught us some moves. he broke up the tension between me and kiki. then, my phone has been on the fritz lately. i had no service and was stressing about wynsters. i didn't want her to be waiting for me. also, i've been seeing this same dude ever since i've been going to first saturdays. we speak. this time, we spoke but it was like...he wasn't trying to holler.

i felt so rejected. it just added to the situation.
i decided to dance it out. ran into a friend who offered me some extra cash in may. cool. she spilled red wine on my white shirt. arrgh.

i decided to dance it out.

you ever feel like things are just piling on and on and on and you just want to scream but you cant. i danced my lil heart all spastic. how the heck do you dance to house music anyway? lol

after it was over, i was looking for dude. i mean really, let's seal the effing deal. kiki kept talking..oh em gee. she said she could tell i was disappointed about something and i didn't feel like talking...but...she.kept.talking.

no worries.

hey sexy guy walked by and waved. i waved back.

that's it? whhhhhhhhhatt the fuck, man?

5 minutes passed. he came back and spoke. i'll call him hs (short for hey sexy, lol, for now) he's 29. he's a doctor. he wants to be a cardiologist. good stuff. he asked me about school and stuff. i told him i have my own business. i asked him for his number. he gave it to me. i asked him if he was going to pick up when i call. he was like, of course. he said he'll be in the library tomorrow.

damn...29 and still in the library studying...damn homie! lol...we'll see if he pulls a hoodini or if he's a cool dude.

all in all, i had fun..sorta. i got the guy...sorta. i just need a break. in life there are no breaks.
that's why i blog. thanks for reading...i know this is hella long.

end note:
i'm so sick of pushing people and pushing people and trying to gnash my teeth and trying to pull something out of them. i try and pull the best of my friends out of them and encourage them to be great. i can't give up and i don't want to give up. i feel like if i don't encourage myself and if i didn't have twin, yw, trish, or wynsters in my life to encourage friends would let me sit on the side of the road and not accomplish anything.

what's that saying?

thankful for you guys. :)


Young woman on a journey said...

speaking of trish...where is she?

honey, i'm sorry about the evening. bff was being super inconsiderate. but i'm glad it didn't stop you. you are such an awesome young woman, you are always gonna find people like us to support you!

Anonymous said...

I too sometimes feel very alone and think the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Like you, I lost my mom at an early age and that void can never be filled. I'm the person that everyone wants to unload their problems on but feel like no one can see me drowning in my own problems. But I am a strong person and I can tell you are too. Hang in there. Giving up is not an option. :)