covered mirrors

every morning, rocky wakes me up by licking my fingers. he jumps on my bed and sniffs my face or snuggles next to me and whimpers. i push him off and hit snooze.when i get up, he runs in front of me and sits down and watches me use the bathroom. he jumps up on the couch where i take the moment to snuggle him, tell him i love him and he's the cutest fluffiest thing on earth.

we walk out the door.

he stops at every tree. he sniffs. he poops about halfway down the block.we cross the street and walk up a hill. there are 6 trees on that block. he stops at every one of them and sniffs them and he pees a little at each tree. we get to the end of the block and he does it again with or without pee.

when we get to my driveway, he runs and does a few laps in the grass.

i tell him goodbye as i walk out the door for work. when i get home, we do it again.
last night, after his run in the grass, he smelled like cat urine so i gave him a bath.

oh em gee.

he fought me as soon as he realized he was in the tub. i tried to dry him off, he jumped out of my arms and ran from one end of the apartment to the next trying to dry himself off.

he went to sleep.
i've been having crazy insomnia lately...not falling asleep until anywhere between 4 and 7am. when you have to get up for work at 6am...that is NOT cool.

this morning, i woke up late.
i got up. i snuggled rocky. i told him i loved him and that i had to leave.
i got home. put his collar on and walked him outside.
i stopped him from going in the grass because i just bathed him. halfway down the block, he wiggled free from his collar and ran as fast as he could. i called his name. i tried to catch him but he was so super duper fast. 2 other people tried to help me but they couldn't. i was in flip flops and i slid on something and fell in the street. he ran in between cars that were parked and my heart started to flutter. he ran clear diagonally across the street. one of the guys helping me catch him said.."this is dangerous. i hope we catch your dog."

not 1 minute later, rocky ran across the street just as the light turned green. a mini-bus hit him. it looked as though he broke his neck. he died instantly.

i keep replaying it in my head. i wanted to get him a harness instead of a collar. i was supposed to do it today but i was so tired from not sleeping, i just wanted to come home, walk him, take a nap and pick it up tomorrow.

i thought i tightened his collar before we left. why didn't he come to me when i called him? he's never run across the street. he's never run away from me like that. he never leaves my side. he follows me everywhere.

i picked him up out of the street. the next car saw him and stopped. someone called 911. the driver stopped. he looked like he was going to be sick. he said he has 4 cats at home. i thanked everyone for their help. i walked home with him in my arms. his eyes were still open. a little blood was in his mouth. he wasn't breathing. he was gone. he felt so heavy. i called bff. i got a box and wrapped him in a sheet. we drove to the animal care and control of nyc.

they took him away.

bff brought me some food. i text my friends that knew and loved rocky. people were calling and texting. as bff handed me my food, my phone dropped and the screen shattered. it looks like a huge spiderweb.

i can't believe he's gone.
i want it to be a dream. i'm sitting on the couch waiting for him to jump up and sit next to me. i'm waiting for him to continuously hit me with his red ball forcing me to play fetch with him. 7am, he wants to play fetch as i'm trying to get ready for work. midnight, i get home from being out, he wants to play fetch.

he was my friend. i talked to him all day every day. he was the first face i saw every morning and the last face every night. i told him i loved him every chance i got.

i don't know how to deal.
someone please tell me this was just a cruel joke. i keep expecting the acc to call me and tell me i made a mistake. he is alive. he was just unconscious. but its not true.

its not a joke. my sweet puppy who always brought me so much joy died today.
there's nothing to say...there's no music to listen to...no movies or tv shows to watch...nothing to make me feel better. nothing that will bring him back. he's gone.