relapse

yesterday, i had a photo shoot and i am so proud of myself! i did 4 models, 2 looks each + 2 stylists. 10 looks in 3 hours...which is amazing because usually, when i take my time...i take 45 minutes on one face.

and...i got paid! :)

hallelujah! lol

when i got home, i was exhausted so i fell asleep for about 4 hours. i had a late night client come over because she was going to a black tie affair that started at 11. she came over at 9...she looked amazing.

i cleaned my brushes and was tinkering on the computer when i started talking to carter.
we cleared the air in a funny way. i was telling him that people say most aquarians are cold.
he said i am cold because of the way i was so cut and dry about us not being able to date.
blah blah blah
by the end of the conversation, i apologized for not sugar-coating what i said. it was late and i needed to try and get some sleep.

at 2am, i was tossing and turning and i kept having sex daydreams about carter. they were so intense.

i called him. his children were over his house which killed the mood. they kept asking "Is that our mommy you're on the phone with?" until he put me on speaker phone and they knew I wasn't her.

i wanted pillow talk but somehow we got into teen pregnancy. weird.

lust is a very powerful emotion. extremely powerful.
so powerful that i was looking up plane tickets to get to him. where he's at, you literally need a car to get to. the closest airport takes your 45 mins away from him and umm, of course...taxis...HA! i was looking up that ish at 3am!

woke up late for service today but I'm glad I went.
today in church...my pastor has been teaching a series about love.

today's sermon was "Love is Commitment"
he was talking about truly being committed to God and how God is in turn committed to us because He promises us certain things throughout His Word.

Yo...
I have never felt more convicted in seeing that what i was doing is wrong.

He said.....
"How many of us know that what we're walking into is wrong but we're not breaking our stride? We just keep doing our mess even though God is trying to talk to us to compell us not to do it anymore?"

Was he not in my bedroom last night??
it's like seeing a sign on a beach that says there's a shark in there and still going for a swim anyway, assuming that you won't be eaten.
i need to snap out of it.
the only only only thing i want from carter is his body. really, if i wanted sex, i could go down the block...literally...so, why am i going through the motions and the Emotions???

how i ended up looking up flights is because carter was going through how difficult it would be to get to nyc. he went in on all aspects - childcare, money, being with his parents, etc.
so...i was like..it would be less difficult for me to go to him.

but, why spend money on a plane ticket (cheapest is $254) on a booty call? i doubt the penis is that good!

it's like...i've progressed to where men who are right in front of me offer me sex all the time and i shut them down but men who are hundreds of miles away are irresistible. it is a constant struggle. the dumbest part is that carter told me he can't commit, being as the ink on his divorce papers are still wet. i want a relationship, so again, why am i pursuing this man?

GET IT TOGETHER, NINA GIRL!

this time, i'm not going to announce it to carter...i'm just going to back off and let things go its course.

men are so good at disappearing...i'm going to try and do the same.

Walls + Words

"I don't think you're ready for a relationship," I said. "Honestly speaking, I don't see anything happening between you and I."

I had thrown a monkey wrench at him. I'd been feeling like giving everyone a good piece of my mind. He was caught in the crosshairs. He thanked me for my honesty.

It hasn't been the same since.

I wonder if I were wrong for sharing that with Carter. A part of me wanted to enjoy the melody of my heart's pitter patter when I saw his name flash across my phone or smile sweetly at him on vchat but he was rented. We were using each other to fill the void of loneliness in our hearts.

No laws were broken and no love lost, however, I've been down that road before; building ties that are hard to cut.

Perhaps, I'm afraid of where the path may lead. Two roads diverged in a wood and I took the one less traveled by: honesty with the person who matters most - myself.
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Snap Out of It + Brooklyn Carter

Thank you guys for your care and concern. Last night, I cried. I prayed. I told myself why I was feeling the way I was. Afterwards, I fell asleep in that way you can only sleep when you've spilled all your guts and you're empty inside.
I woke up this morning and saw the clouds (no Sun, it was raining...) and I thought...OK, Nina, make a damn decision. Either, you're going to live or curl up and die slowly. I showered, brushed my teeth, put on some clothes and faced the day. I'm not saying that I'm cured but being active helps.
++++++
In my newfound go-getter mentality, I worked non-stop from 1pm until I fell in my bed at midnight. I was exhausted. My head felt like brick. I'd fantasized and masturbated (ya know...to relieve some of that brick feeling) and I was feeling pretty delicious and tingly all over when he called. Carter. I hesitated before I answered. I hit him up on gchat but he was busy, so I thought that possibly, he would top off my yummy feeling.

"Tell me about your last relationship," he asked.

Damn, I guess we were having a serious conversation. He called in response to a tweet that I'd posted saying how I wish I could go back to a time before my heart was broken.

I told him briefly about Aussie and Afroman...it took about 3 minutes. He said, "Oh you haven't had any real drama."

I said rather sarcastically, "I guess...since I've never been married and divorced."

The sarcasm was lost on him. He began with, "Well, I was married and now I'm divorced with 3 kids."

I listened for 30 minutes as he talked non-stop about his ex in detail. I was over it. I feigned sleepiness in order to get off of the phone.

To be so young, I've dated a pretty cool cross-section of men. He reminds me of Dame. Yes, Dame...the one who said he only wanted fwb but after sleeping together 3 times, he asked why we never went out on dates and then proceeded to cry saying how he never wanted to be hurt again. Dame was not over his ex-wife. Carter is Dame. One in the same.
I've heard soooo much about this ex-wife, I feel like I know her. It's uncanny and beginning to get annoying..

I now have to figure out a way to distance myself (I.e not talk to him every day) without hurting him and jeopardizing our friendship. I doubt I'm reading the signs wrong. I'm sure ya'll will inform me but I've been an emotional dumpster for so many in my life, I refuse to continue.

I really can't stand a man who talks too much.
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I've re-written this post several times because the others seemed so serious. I just need to say what I have to say and however it comes out is how it comes out. Don't judge me!

+++++
The rain beats itself against my window as I lay in my bed in the dark. The heavy sheets, my protection against the cold. I wish life had a safety blanket. For some, it does...the hard taste of alcohol or the wild heat of sex. We all have our coping mechanisms. What's mine?

God?

No offense to the Big Guy, but these days, I'm looking for something a bit more...tangible.

More than ever, I'm wishing for a beach. I miss the Sun on my face. I feel...as though I am missing something. I ask God if I am slipping into depression. I've been here before. My apartment is a mess. My mother would shame me if she surprised me with a visit.

I'm starting to feel less and less of a connection to the people around me.

I have a business to run. I have projects, deadlines...I don't really care.

I feel like a shell of myself. People tell me about their problems and I listen and I give out inspiration. That is who I am. Most of the time, they neither ask nor care about how I am. Everyone wants something from me it feels like.

I have nothing.

Sometimes, it's not their fault, really. I'm like a clam. My feelings are my pearls. I open up when the time is right.

I am the Master Manipulator...my bubbly demeanor masking my issues. It's in my eyes.

I feel like I am a mess. People don't see it. Am I that good at faking it?

In 2006, BFF was failing school, her relationship was falling apart. She maxed out a credit card and went to Atlanta. I don't have that luxury. If I did, I'd go to Bermuda - to St. John Smith's Bay - my favorite beach. It has pink sand and a cave. I would live on the beach.

My passport expired so the next best thing would be South Beach, Miami. It smelled so divine! I was so relaxed there. It was so dangerous because I wasn't on alert like how I am here. I never looked over my shoulder, never blinked twice about being on the beach at midnight not being able to see in front of me. I just remember my sun tan lotion and the blue beach umbrella. Heaven.

It is impossible to be sad at the beach.

Who can I be vulnerable with enough to tell them how I feel and trust they will really care?
No one.

I guess I have to shake it off soon. I don't want rodents and my assistant (who's had since Friday off) will be in on Thursday. Plus, really...I have to have a damn good explanation for needing to borrow $400 for a plane ticket to paradise.
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Listen to the Wind

On Saturday, I left Twin's house still feeling the sting of Gi's words about Carter. So, I called him and I told him the entire conversation we had about him.

What he said was really mature:

"Of course she, like most women, would prefer the drug dealer over the college student with 3 kids. That dude has way more time and money on his hands than me. That's a decision you would have to make. I'm trying to build something for the future. I'm doing it a bit late in life but I'm doing it. Right now, we are just friends and I like it that way. We're still getting to know each other. You're easy to talk to. Easy on the eyes. I'm very attracted to you but we're just friends. So, don't put your life on hold for me. If another opportunity comes your way, take it. If you know what I mean."

I do and I appreciate his honesty. He put it in perspective. For once, I'm listening to a man in English and not translating it to mean what I want it to mean. Its also refreshing to not feel like someone wants something from me. The sex thing is clear. He knows where I stand and that it is immovable. The distance helps in that regard. It's companionship. Ya dig?

Embarrassingly enough, I'm back on certain dating sites. (Boo! Hiss! Boo!) I figured I'd try and put myself out there for men who actually want to date in my zip code. If anything develops, I'll keep ya'll posted!

Today, I really felt like my world were crumbling around me. I got up, showered went to the post office, bought some stuff for the house, ate breakfast...trying to ignore that feeling. Spoke to BFF. Spoke to an annoying client. I couldn't deny it anymore. I stayed in bed the majority of the day. I ignored phone calls, texts, emails, etc. I really just wanted to give up.
Mom came home. I went to her house because I needed her to do me a favor. She asked if I wanted to get us something to eat. We did that. I watched NCIS as I ate. Came home and cleaned the house a little bit, talked to Carter on video chat.

He asked me how I was doing and for the first time all day, I was honest:

I quit life today. I stayed in bed and watched hours go by because I feel defeated in many ways.

He smiled at me and said, Well...you quit today. Tomorrow, its time to ask for your job back because you've invested too much time into your business to just let it go.

He said some other stuff too. It lifted my spirits without being cheesy.

Later in the convo, he said, "You look all soft and warm. I just want to hold you."

I scolded him, saying "That's not what you say to your friends."

Secretly, I'm thinking...Tonight would've been a perfect night to be held.
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No Not One

There's not a friend like the lowly Jesus...no, not one....

That song is stuck in my head.
Today was a day. Let's just say it included angry Asians, choosing between food and transportation, a random conversation with a Saudi Arabian with extension braids and hating stilettos. One day, I will relive it in this space. For now, I'm in the bed....tired.

For a few weeks, I've been asking God if I'm depressed. For months, I've been talking about friends that don't do for me as I do them. For years, I've needed a vacation and lately, I've been wondering if my mind was going to take the vacay without my body. If you catch my drift.

I am so strong and so fragile.
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Crack Music

I had drinks with Gi last night. I was talking to Carter on the phone as she walked up to meet me.

She asked me who I was speaking to and I told her.

"Oh the one that didn't pay when you guys went out that time?"

I'd totally forgotten about that. Basically, we ended up getting food and he didn't have $$ to pay for his meal let alone mine, too. I paid for both of us. It was embarrassing. For both of us.

Gi thinks I should've cut him off then.

As we were eating, Gi tells me abt Ant, her boyfriend of 3 months who just got locked up last week for selling drugs.

I was shocked.

She described how he was selling at 1pm on Saturday afternoon. He did a weekend in Ryker's Island, a tough prison in NYC. He made it seem like he was using drugs instead of selling them and he may have to go to rehab instead of jail time. The same thing also happened in 2003, he admitted to her after the fact.

"Are you going to leave him alone?" I asked.

"If he doesn't stop."

He's not, I thought. So Gi would rather date a drug dealer than have me date a broke college student.

"He has too much baggage," she said about Carter.

"Why are you getting advice from Gi?" Twin asked me.

I thought about it. He was right.

There's that Kanye lyric where he was like..." How can a goddess take advice from a mere mortal. Oh em gee! You listen to that bitch?"

Her words were still swimming in my head when I came home. I got on v-chat with Carter. We talked about how women are fueled by emotions. It was a continuation of an earlier conversation we'd had. I looked at him. He is very easy on the eyes. I have no real desire to be with him. I see our interaction as a void-filler for both of us. We both want to sleep with each other. This is like an extended foreplay. I just have to keep that in mind.
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Fantasize

Ever notice how babies stare at you without blinking.

Nice start to the post....yes? Yes.

I feel really warm inside.
I like a boy and his name is Carter.
Carter and I have begun talking to each other more after I told him on Twitter that I miss him. I do.

We began v-chatting whenever we each have a free moment. He's really cool. In the back of my mind I keep telling myself that its not going anywhere. He's trying to be in NYC for the summer. After that, he has another year of school. Then he's going to Atlanta to move.

He's awakening something cool in me. When I think about him, I feel flutters. I like him a lot. So, what do you do when its not necessarily plausible to be together? Go with the flow. That's what he said but I want to be smart about this. I don't want my heart to be in shambles as its been after every relationship.

So, do I actively pursue other people? Is there something like not actively pursuing but if someone comes along, date them? Its too soon to have that convo but I like him! At this point, I'm enjoying the feeling but I'm not trying to feed into it.

I also like CJ whom I've been talking to a lot more lately.
They're 2 different people but they both live hella far away.

When I have a bad day, I find myself calling either of them. With Carter, we have that ferocious sexual tension. With CJ, I could really date him even though he's far away, for some reason, I could find myself flying out to see him.

I asked Carter about how he felt about putting all his eggs in one basket. He gave me great advice: Don't do it. So, I'm not. Lol.

Editor offered me a partner position in the magazine. Its great but trying to get 2 businesses off the ground...Good Lawd! I don't know if I have it in me!

I love the mag and I'm passionate but....idk.

So, I guess something good was around the bend, right? :)
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Inspired

Today, out of nowhere I felt as if something good is about to happen. I feel it still. I'm excited.
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...

The desires of my heart are speaking so loud, it consumes the amount of sound my ears can decipher. They are ever present with me.

At times, the loneliness overpowers every other emotion. Even hunger is abated by my thirst for human connection.

The silence in this house mocks me. Laughing at my insurrection, my frustration builds until the energy I've amassed keeps me up at night. Sleep would be welcome but it is a luxury, I am rationed most unfairly.

Love tastes bitter on my tongue yet I crave its taste. I miss the arms of another. I am disciplined. I have self-control although I'd rather be a wild silver mustang bucking my body around under the midnight moon.

Our choices liberate and enslave us. My freedom is chained in my convictions.
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Please Stop the Music

I was tired, yet I allowed J to talk me into going to this magazine's launch party.

He was decked out in his leather pants and sweater. I was low-key, with no makeup on and a swipe of my new favorite lipstick. I had on leggings and flat shoes, white oversized button down shirt cinched at the waist with a skinny belt - nothing spectacular.

The party was held in the Meat Packing District which houses boutique stores of some heavy hitters, Dianne von Furstenburg, Alexander McQueen (R.I.P) and other high end brands. The club was something out of a movie. We walked in, a cute bouncer checked my ID, we walked past heavy black velvet curtains and down stairs.

The walls had mirrors on an angle. There was a place to take pictures. The bartenders were white shirtless model bad boys with tattoos decorating their chests. They had on low rise jeans and police hats. Further in the back, they had x rays in frames and some framed lights that changed colors with the beat of the music.

It was very white gay.
(There's a difference, lol)

The place was gorgeous and huge. We met and took pics with Mike Ruiz, the photographer for RuPaul's Drag Race. He's nice. He kept looking at my skin. :)

I met this drag queen who's not a drag queen (yea.) He's a man who likes to have a 12 inch weave, tips, and makeup but he wears boy clothes. He was nice.

The owner of the magazine walked up to me and said Niiiinaaaa XXX, my ballroom persona. He made a big deal about who I am in the ballroom world which was weird because I haven't competed since September '08. J kept laughing.

So.....Timmy Tock from the Jabawockiws from America's Best Dance Crew kept walking up to me complimenting me. Each time, he caressed my face. (I HATE when people touch my face!) This last time, he said, "I love you. I wanna take you home with me" and then BLAM, he kissed me on the lips!

I was in shock. I didn't speak for a minute as he sauntered away.

*crickets*

J looked at me and was like...what was that about? I said I didn't know but it was time to leave NOW.

As we were about to leave, we ran into HX. HX loves J and wants him to have sex with him. We took pictures and talked with him.

I found myself flirting with one of the bouncers after one of the gay dudes sashayed past him. He gave that dude the funniest look. I just have a thing about big dudes. Lol

There were girls dressed like Lady Gaga. No lie. One chick had blue pigtails and a huge bow on her head. Another chick had fishnets tights over her face but the black band didn't go over her lips making it difficult for her to talk. Both Gagas were dancing like robots. Weirdos.

This other guy had on a fur coat with no shirt on under it. Like a shaggy fur coat. With no shirt, leather pants and these necklaces. His red-haired female friend had the same thing on. There were a lot of people with interesting outfits.

We danced for a few songs when I realized...they haven't played any r&B, rap, or anything but techno/house. I was getting a headache. We decided to leave.

As we were leaving, we walked past the first bouncer.

"Hey, how tall are you?" I asked

"6'8," he said not even looking at me.

"I like that in a man," I said with all the boldness I could muster in my 5ft body.

He laughed.

We walked by the McQueen store, noticing the shoes in the window. They look like horse hooves. J wanted to get a closer look, not realizing there was an actual window in between him and the shoes. He hit the window soooo hard and then he fell back rubbing his head.

Oh my gosh! I laughed so hard! Yes, it may be cruel to watch your friend walk into a glass window, but as I sit here remembering it, I still laugh so hard!

J didn't have a jacket and I was still freezing in my leggings, we sprinted to the far, still laughing at J.

We zipped home. Good times.

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Life or Something Like It

I am so uber frustrated right now.
At times, it feels as though, I'm fighting so hard for everything. Like I'm running with everything I have in me, only to end up in quicksand. At other times, I feel like I have no direction.

I want! I want! I want!

I'm watching all these shows with these princesses and they're so...privileged, you know. Zoe Kravitz can have her own makeup line tomorrow like that! *snaps fingers*

I know of the voids in my life which can not yet be filled. I feel like God is going to fill them in His own time. When I try to do it on my own, di-sa-ster.

Patience.

I need a break. I owe a bit of money resulting from my party which will be paid off by March. Right after that, I'm going to prepare to go to LA for a week. I've been talking about LA forever. Never been. So, I think by the end of March, I'll buy my ticket for June some time and will begin trying to build contacts there for a full week of stuff.

July, I've committed to a road trip to Chicago. I'm excited. I'll meet some folks out there.

I'm also trying to get my debt under control.

The first debt is the party, then I have a $967 hospital bill from when I slammed my finger in my mother's steel front door this summer. My nail needed to be removed. It was an ORDEAL. Various credit card bills, etc. I have to check out my credit report. Its a crapshot. I have to manage my $$ better.

I'm excited for the future but geeez, making things happen will take Jesus. Its the only power I've got.
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CrossRoads

Two roads diverged in a wood...

I've had this blog since 2006. I've met quite a few friends and have shared a lot.

With certain freedom comes certain boundaries. Like, if BFF read my blog and I wrote that I hate her dog in detail and she found out via the blog and not me, she would be pissed, right? With good reason.

Not all thoughts should be shared with loved ones but they do need to come out. Since blogging is cheaper than therapy, here ya go.

Btw, BFF doesn't have a dog.

I miss complete anonymity. I miss not having conversations abt a blog post I've written. So, do I start fresh? Do I turn this blog into invited readers only? Do I give up blogging and actually start talking to the people around me about my feelings? I don't know.

Separation anxiety.
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Cold Case

She stripped off all of her clothes as soon as the door closed behind her. The night had been full of friends, music, laughs and food. Her lips had been stained pink by the lipstick she'd donned all night.
"Girl About Town," it was called. It was appropriate, she thought. She hadn't washed off her makeup. She felt the fatigue of the day. She wasn't yet ready to face what had been plaguing her mind.

So many thoughts. The pursuit of happiness.
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the morning after

ok, first read party all the time.
honestly, are you guys sick of reading super long posts??? let me know.

Party All the Time

Yesterday, I turned 24.
I've been struggling within myself on how to recount the story of what happened. For some reason, my brain isn't processing everything. I write most of the blog posts in my head and when your head is all jumbled, it's a bit challenging. It may take me a few days to write it out the way I want, but I need and will get it out the way I want it to.

I awoke to about 20 text/facebook messages, 5 missed calls and a bunch of twitter messages wishing me a Happy Birthday. I turned over expelling Jedi Mind signals to anyone who loved me to take me to IHOP. BFF called me. She decided to cut school and take me.

An hour later, we were having eggs and cheesecake pancakes. We were having a great time. I recycled my old MAC products for a new bright pink lipstick. The day flew by and it was 1:30 when I got home. I went to sleep and woke up at 3pm, hurried and panicked about time. J was driving me to the venue where the party was being held. He's always late...an annoying trait all of my close friends share.

We arrived only 15 minutes late and began to set up.
I saw a girl I haven't seen since high school and an old junior high school friend who sang to me. It was great.

I notice that I am a very warm person. People respond to that with their own brand of warmth usually or they think they can get away with certain things. The caterer kept saying slick isht. I let it go most of the time but it was noted. By being warm, people automatically think they're your friend and they're not.

People started trickling in around 7:30.

Good things:
I was so surprised to see certain people. Like....Essequibo. He goes by another blog name but I will probably always call him Essequibo. He's mad cool. He and his lady friend are positively intriguing and I wish I could've spent the entire time chatting with them. They're awesome.

I also met another blogger who is such a dear. There were some really really good people.

I made a connection with a fashion designer and a photographer who may throw me some work. I need it. In all honesty, business needs to kick it up a bit or I'll need to find a job.

and...not so good things:
You ever feel like people want a piece of you?
I'm a very good judge of character (except when it comes to men, sometimes - don't judge me) and there were two people who annoyed the be-geezus out of me. One was a model whom I'd approached a while ago to do a photo shoot. She's very pretty and she has gorgeous hair. However, upon further inspection of her pics. she has no range of poses and she frowns a lot. Not cute. I never approached her again.

At the party, she kept asking me about the photo spread, even going so far as to request a 6-page spread. Excuse the eff outta me missy!

She asked to take a picture with me but I was pre-occupied with the other girl:

We worked together about 4 years back. I was so taken aback to see her. Do you know this chick pulled out her entire makeup bag and wanted me to do her makeup in the middle of the effing party? Like, at the bar with her entire makeup bag. O_O

I felt her pain about her makeup complaint but I'm sorry...that was OD.

So, as I'm putting the girl's stuff back in her bag, the first girl brings the photographer over and we take a picture. O_o

I get a FB email from a designer who is creating the first Que.ens F.ash.ion Week. You know this chick asked me to sponsor her event which is next week with either an 'in kind' donation of $200-$500, products or free makeup services. She ends it with "Good luck at your event tonight."

B-word, eff you! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Hells Nawl!

You can't even show up to my FREE event to say hello but you have the gall to ask me for hundreds of dollars and free services???? To quote another artist, "My resources and time are valuable and precious to me."

Beat it.

Speaking of folks not showing up...I'd attended these 2 girls' events, giving them products for raffles and giftbags and they didn't even show...they didn't say a word to me. Not saying things should be tit for tat but don't say you're going to support and then don't. It may sound a little immature but I've supported these girls above and beyond, never missing one of their events. I'm done supporting those who do not support me and act like they're doing me a favor by supporting them. Kiss my whole beee-hind!

In fact, I had several kiss my behind moments:
like how is TD not going to return phone calls and such but wishes me happy bday on fb.
and how is diva going to say she has orders for me but doesnt come to the party
and how is it that Gi was on the street of the party but couldn't find it?

J told me to let it go and I'm trying.

More good stuff:

Archer showed up looking all...Archer-y. lol
I kept telling random people we were getting married in 3 years. He went along with it. So, good signs, right?

I kicked off my heels and was bouncing around.

Random good conversations with people. I looked around, everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. I met this other girl who wants to be a makeup artist. I'm going to make her model for me. She is gorgeous!! She kept saying that her gay male friend was there as her girlfriend. I was so slow, I literally asked the boy if he were a female to male transsexual. Slowness, lol.

SB bought me fox fur earmuffs which I can't wait to wear. He also bought me some Sasha Fierce sunglasses and a movie. Random gift but I will roll with it. No one else got me anything, lol.

The end of the night came and I found myself talking to Archer in the corner.

"All of your friends are artists," he said. I hadn't noticed but I guess it's true. I apologized for being so shameless in my flirting with him all night. He's used to it. He's an event planner. Women hit on him all the time.

I said, "Well, I guess I should be direct and ask you right out. Do you want to date me?"

He was surprised. O_O
I didn't understand...I'd been violating his personal space by hugging on him, playing in his hair and kissing his cheek and neck most of the night.

I was like, "Damn, you still didn't get it!?!"

He really didn't.

He said, "I'm a bad boy." I laughed saying I didn't believe it.
We started talking about God randomly. He said he's a Preacher's Kid who rebelled against the church the first chance he got. I told him part of my story.

"Well, I'd rather you be out of church and respect and believe in God than be in church and not feel anything." He nodded.

I told him I was craving balance, fearing my professional life was taking over my personal life and soon I wouldn't have a life or personality. I was looking for someone who understood entrepreneurship whom would also be worth taking time away from my business to have a relationship with them.

He told me that I shouldn't worry about dudes. Saying, "Build your empire, first. Worry about men later."

That was what he was doing. He said, he doesn't take women seriously. (clearly)
He said that he still liked the company of a woman (hint hint) but nothing was going to be substantial past that.(Damn! I'd picked a fine time to be celibate!)
I told him that I wasn't one to mince words. I don't say things I don't mean and that I would still like to get to know him.

He said he liked me as a person. That was all he could say at that point.

I wasn't disappointed at all. Oddly enough.

We left. J, BFF and I. I was starving. The only thing I'd eaten was the IHOP at 9am and cucpcakes throughout the night.

We hit up a McDonald's Drive-Thru. The double cheeseburger, nuggets and fries hit the spot with a cannon!

I ambled my way home. The last person I spoke to was JC. He's becoming a good person to know. He's funny and he has an interesting way of keeping me motivated. I fell asleep exhausted with a smile on my face.

BIRTHDAY GIRL-WOMAN!

Ok, so I'm a lil excited!

I'm going to:

*Look pretty all day
*Be a bit obnoxious and demand people do what I want
*Be selfish...once a year, I get to be selfish...damn it! Today is the day!
*Wear high high heels which will hurt after an hour but I'll feign fabulousness through the pain!
*Genuinely not give a what what!
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Jeremih Would Disapprove

It is the eve of my 24th and I'm....

Tired and anxious.

Everyone around me is excited and all I can do is shrug my shoulders.

Whatevs.

I'm hoping that by the time I put on my outfit, do my makeup and get all flyyy, I'll feel it.

I don't really have the energy to fake anything so that someone else feels comfortable.

Oy to the vey!

Wish me rest and some good food!
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I Bleed Green Blood

Today was a long but productive day. I'm taking a class at church about dating. It was getting juicy when........

One of the guys on the security team told us we needed to evacuate. We had to take the stairs. Suddenly, 2 cops show up and walk us down. We go outside and there are cops everywhere, emergency services which is like the cops' version of an ambulance, cop cars and flashing lights.

We were told to go across the street and we watched in awe as cops walked in and out of the church.

They wheeled out someone in a body bag and then some hysterical woman came out screaming and yelling.

We were in complete disbelief.
Just moments prior, we were talking about relationships and there we were not believing our eyes.

No one would say anything to us to explain what was going on.
There was a rumor that one of the guys in the church who owns a beauty supply store had a hostage situation there and then he went missing.

One of the minister's wives confirmed there was a "situation" with him but nothing else is being said.

I'm completely freaked out.
I'm supposed to do the makeup for this guy's wedding in May. He's sweet and nice. I can't imagine him putting someone in a body bag or being in one.

I just dooooon't know.

So, I text BFF naturally, to let her know how I'm feeling.

She calls me. I'm half-way telling her the story. She cuts me off to tell me about a conversation she had about my facebook with her ex-husband.

I'm like, BFF, I'm telling you that I'm really upset about a situation and you cut me off to tell me about a FB friend request?

She apologizes.

I continue. She stops to yell a joke to whomever is in her house. I tell her I don't think she's serious.

She's like, "Sorry, I got sidetracked."

I tell her I'll call her back later.

I had the craziest feeling. We know danger surrounds us, especially in the city I live in...but for it to be that close...its nuts!

I was genuinely hurt by BFF's actions. She claims I never tell her how I'm feeling. In our 11 year friendship, she's never seen me cry...and I'm like.......ok, this is why. How can someone who gets your undivided attention when they talk about their love for sushi not even give you 60 seconds when you're talking about seeing a body bag come outside of your church?

What's that about?

Of course, here comes the BBM from Olu asking how I was doing. I said I was fine and then I didn't say anything after.

He's like, "Oh you not talking to me no more."

I said, "I've had a very long day. Don't feel like talking to anyone."

He said, "What happened?"

I said, "I just want to be left alone."

He said, "I'll leave you alone then. You have my number. Hopefully, you'll use it. "

I deleted him off BBM. I'm done. He's annoying.

With friends like mine, I thank God for blogs.
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Asked and Answered

Shout-out to Jaded for her dead-on advice.

Honesty and ass-whoopings are the same. Wherein, if you ask for it, the right person will give you the perfect dose of it!

Did I listen to Jaded? No, of course not! But I did, kinda...lol and I learned my lesson.

As I approached our date, my heels clicking on the pavement, I prayed a small prayer:

"Lord, show me what this dude is about and let me be smart enough to recognize it and run away, if necessary."

We met a small coffee shop in Bed Stuy, Brooklyn. I ordered my red velvet cake and water and we talked. I felt as though he avoided talking about anything important unless I directly asked but he did tell me about a couple of disturbing events that happened in his teenage years.

Red flags were replaced in my head of images of......I don't know. Nothingness. I really wasn't thinking.

He took both of my hands in his. Kissed them. And then tried to kiss me.

"Whoa, I said. Back up."

"You owe me for trippin that first day we spoke."

"I don't owe you sheeeeeeeiiiiiiiit," I said half-jokingly.

After the 6th time of giving him my cheek, I finally let him kiss me. It was nice.

After a while, the shop was getting crowded.

"Do you want to go for a walk," he asked.

I looked down at my feet and said..."Not really." I decided to walk us around the corner to BFF's but then I decided to go to the bus stop and go home.

As we waited for the bus, he attacked me with his tongue. Literally, putting his tongue down my throat.

I stopped him. Wiping the saliva from around my mouth, I pushed him off of me with my pelvis.

Dude certainly had "boundary-issues" like Jaded said. It was if he was trying to have all these passionate kisses as if we were gonna get it on in the street.

He kissed me again really deep, his big lips enveloping mine. I stopped.

"What's wrong?"

"You're too aggressive," I said.

"You're only saying that because its turning you on."

"Its really not," I said, once again wiping my mouth.

He kissed me again. I was disgusted. The bus came. He hugged me.

"I'm going to miss you. Hopefully, you'll miss me too."

I just looked at him...blankly staring.

There were people who flashed in my mind whom I really wanted to be with. I BBM'ed one of them randomly.

"Do you believe in God," I asked. He was taken aback of course. We chatted back and forth.

I felt uneasy about the whole Olu thing. I really thought about it. I would be regressing a lot with him...sad to say.

He reminds me of Joe and Aussie with hints of Afroman. Noooot a good combo. He's needy, craving constant verbal confirmation that he's wanted. He knows he's physically intimidating and he throws his weight around a lot. First date and he was talking about us getting tattoos together and us, us and us.

He posed questions in a way that guilts you into agreeing. Saying, "I'm going to miss you. Are you going to miss me?" kinda makes you feel like a jerk for saying no.

When I got home, I BBM'ed him saying I don't think we should see each other anymore. He called me asking if I just didn't like him. I said no (lying), saying my work was stressful (it is though) and that it's not the right time. He tried to play mental games saying, "I thought you were real. Time will tell." BULL SHIT. I stuck to my guns. He finally relented.

I had a grizzly thought. He's 6"6. He's admitted to a history of violent thoughts. What if he finds me, stalks me, kills me? What if he comes to the party and causes a scene?

I took the address down off of my BBM and de-friended him on FB but what if he remembers or already wrote it down?

I can't really think of that.

"Has this year of celibacy taught me nothing?"I thought. It did.

He said, "You wasted my time."

I said, "Better to waste 2 hours of your time than 2 weeks, 2 months...etc"

And so, my lesson is....I'm not a robot. I recognize that now. I accept that I want and need someone in my life. I will no longer deflect romantic gestures. I will give people a chance. However, it was made clear what I want in a man...there are qualities that I can't and won't compromise on.

As I called JC and spoke to him for a beat, wishing I could cut out the distance between us and BBM'd Archer, I knew dudes like them are out there. I would LOVE to date either of them...and maybe when the time is right. For now, I'm thankful for second chances. I feel like I've dodged a bullet!

Like Olu said, Time will tell.
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