DON'T EVER TOUCH A BLACK WOMAN'S HAIR!!!!

Ok..so maybe it didn't warrant the upper cases but I feel as though it did. I'm a little sensitive about my hair right now...it's in a small 'fro and I'm growing it out from ruthlessly chopping it off. Today is the first day everyone at work is seeing it in a while and for some reason its an anamoly to se a black woman with her natural hair.

So they feel the need to pet you like a fucking dog!

I digress...

WHITE WOMAN: I DON'T NEED YOUR COMMENTARY ON WHAT YOU THINK OF NEGRO
WOMEN HAIRSTYLES!!!

1st offense:
I'm making my way past the FreakOut..the one who freaks out at the slightest bit of crisis.
She likes the hair, says so..then continues to state that she wishes more black women had natural hair..then goes on to say how she doesn't understand why they wear wigs and yada yada yada..I'm standing there with not-so-nice words going thru my head of what I could say to really
express what I was feeling without seeming too black. But in the back of my mind, I'm like what's wrong with being black? But ahh..in the workplace black has a negative denotation and it could mean I'm angry...volatile....

2nd offense:
AARP (that's what i'll call her because she needs to stop working and retire cuz u know she is an AARP member)...comes up to me (after Fri when I felt as though I would beat her old ass..nother story entirely...pets my head like 3x like I'm a dog....
I was shocked..stunned!!!
WHO WALKS UP TO ANOTHER PERSON AND STARTS STROKING THEIR HAIR?
I don't know where her hands have been..the thought of it now is making my head itch..but I'm shocked and in awe..like the audacity of this white bitch!? Would I have been mad if she were black? No!!! Black women don't walk up to each other touching their hair..unless they ask or are
asked.
Why me? What did I do lawd?
Enuf! Enuf!

Jingle Bells....no!

Christmas was absolutely miserable for me. I went to work which was
torture. (Sidenote: I think this job is making me more evil and unhappy
as time goes by as does most customer service jobs)
I was sitting there the entire day slowly wasting away because there
wasn't shit else to do (see last post about the non-existence of the
Internet) but stare at each other desperate to strike up a conversation.
I don't feel like talking.
I put my name on the leave-early list which I thought meant I could
leave during the half-mark of the day...nope nope...I left an hr and a
half b4 time...woopidy dooo dah! It was torture!!!!

Anywho...I thought...XmasShmishmas...Barnes&Noble would be
open....nah...it was raining and by the time I got to the closed store,
my feet were drenched...grrrreat!

Came home to an empty house expecting it wouldn't be empty and felt
hollow inside. Chatted with a few friends online until I realized how
much fun and people they had around them and the empty silence grew
deeper. Didn't want to spoil anyone's holiday...so I kept my negativity
to myself and went to sleep.

Merry Xmas to u 2!

Sooooooo...
I been drafting this post in my head for aweek or so. Things have been do busy and we're not allowed to use the -Internet at work anymore..so I'm reduced to postng via idekick...GGRRRREAT!
Lots of things have happened and I'm hoping it really does get greater later because I can't take this shit no more.

Actually..things have been going kind of great...On the personal frontier that is....For a while EnigmaJr waa living up to his name- not returning phone callse being very MIA...can't say I was not peturbed. I was more worried than anything. I mean he has his gradma and his sister...but I don't want to see anything happen to the tyke. Luckily, ny faith was restored and last night I called. And get this -- he actually answered. Shock and Awe!!! We talked a lot abt personal stuff. He believes his being gay is part choice, part not having any father figures around. I was floored by this kid....like whoa. EnigmaJr's got some good shit with him which is why I'm happy he's my son. Plus he's smart. He goes to Columbia. But, its so expensive he's transferring to LIU..which is an equally prestigious school. He's got it together and I love that abt him...look at me bragging abt my gay son....ahhhhhh! That's my boy..lol....I really want to be a nurturer. I want to be a good mentor to him but I think that he may be a good one to me...hahaha..his life is more together than mine. So sad..so sad!

Me and AfroMan are thick as thieves and loving every minute of it. I'm trying to keep myself in check because I'm overly affectionate. I want to give and give and give but I don't know how to receive. Its a work in progress. I'm happy we're together. The difference between me talking
abt Afro and EnigJr is that I don't want shit to fall apart betwee me and Afro because I know how they can...soooo protectiveof him right now and our relations..

Lets see..
Been spending a lot of time with BestFriend and BestFriend'sCousin. They're not me though. I'm laid back, quiet, and mellow...they're loud and excited and I don't know how to respond to that. I'm selfish. I want bestfriend to myself...but that's not the way the cookie crumbles...glad
to spend any time with her before I forget what the chickadee looks like...hahahaha...no worries on that front. It seems as tho I got what I wanted except the damn day off of work.
This next year, I need to find a job that respects its workers enough to give them weekends and holidays off. In the past 4 years...I haven't been off for more than 1 holiday a year. That's usually something lame like Labor Day. I'm trying to see the silver lining. I'm trying to see
the Sun like...at least I have a job and I'm not homeless. Who knows? This year..I'm all abt the changes. I need to change the way I eat, the things I do, how I spend my money... I need to be more productive this year. I'm going to be 21 this year and I feel so pressured to have my
shit together that I don't even know what to do --- so frazzled!I feel like I'm the ultimate fuck up. If it can be fucked up..I know how to do it. And that's with everything. I used to have it so toigether. I used to know shit. I used to be the person everyone looks up to...but now I don't know.

I'm bitter about this job. My boss is racist...but he's not. Its weird I know. Its that racism that allows you to befriend someone and use them for what you need them for and yet in the back of your mind, you have these preconceived notions about them. Our brothers are dying. Our
communities are suffering and I feel powerless. I understand what my foremothers felt. Just like shit is in shambles and u have no tools but your hands and ur mind to fix it..but have no clue.

On top of that...on days like today where shit is hella slow...we're expected to twidle our thumbs and watch each other.
Management is a bunch of white men who know nothing about business but have this idea about what they want it to them. Which means that their workers are always ready to take calls..to take their shit and say it don't stink...to think of nothing else but how to be better for the
business. I hate HATE that I'm not going to last very long there. The people other than the pricks I work for are great. This job has made me (flowerchildfreeloveextraordinaire) racist. Its made me not like jews.
Its made me see bureaucracy for what it is. I feel like someone else is standing on my back.

Anyway...I was determined to have this post end on a good note since it is Christmas and all....so herrrreeeee goes!

Every other aspect (kinda) of my life is ok right now. I'm not cold or hungry or excessively broke. Jesus loves me. So does AfroMan and friends. I'm living one day at a time and excited about my future. I'M READY FOR MY LIFE TO BEGIN, PLEASE! (Feeling like all this time..I been watching previews waiting for the main attraction..and I'm ready for anyting..bring it on!!!!)

So don't let the world get ya down. Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold. Remember why you came, young grasshopper. Experience the warmth before you go....

Today I feel like...

In a funky mood today...feelin like if anyone remotely crosses me that my wrath would consume them and myself as well...Just in a cloud of attitude....

First, Last, Everything

My firsts, lasts and nows at the time I wrote this post.
FIRST
First job: Working as a data entryist at BPCA
First screen name:SoccerSnoopy or something like thay
First funeral: My mom...I was 3
.First pet: Cindy the cat.. I hated her
First piercing: Ears!
First credit card: Citibank. Still payin on it.
First kiss: i was like 4
First enemy: started out as a friend or maybe she was an enemy from the start

LAST
Last car ride: the cad I took home early Sunday morning
Last kiss: September
Last movie watched: Can't remember
Last beverage drank: Cherry Pepsi
Last phone call: Twin#1
Last time showered: 7:30 am today
Last CD played:Kelis...Kelis was Here

Now
Last website visited: thelovehater.com
Single or taken: A little of both
Gender: Female
Birthday: Feb 4
Sign: Aquarius
Siblings:7 others
Hair color: Black
Eye color: Dark brown
Wearing: Tastefully tight denim dress, brown suede boots...suede earrings by Alicia
Drinking: Cherry Pepsi
Thinking about: AfroMan
Listening to: My coworkers...

This is how batty I am.....

I accidentally shoplifted from Duane Reade today...

I went to pick up food for myself and someone else and I went into Duane
Reade to pick up Xmas cards..I put my wallet in my coat pocket. I was
talking to my co-worker perusing the aisles when I noticed that my
wallet was gone. Talk about PANIC! My cards, id, everything is in
there...so in my haste to find my wallet..I drop my food which is ruined
because my drink spilled all over my gourmet meal of Gray's Papaya hot
dogs, am going up to random people asking if they've seen my wallet. No
one has seen it..I go back to my job...hand my co-worker his food...lo
and behold my wallet is on the inside.

Went back to Duane Reade and had to pay for my stuff..

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift.

Yay Monday!

Mondays used to be the most dreaded day of the week....no more! No more!
Hahahaha

Last night was so much fun. Started as a normal Monday...hating my job...but felt sick toward the end of the day. Light-headed and all...but, Twin#1 called me and asked me to go to Margarita Monday. How could I not oblige? One drink, I said...one...and then I'm heading home.
Didn't really end like that...one drink turned to 2...laughs had by all....fun fun fun!

Random Tandem

Random Things About Me

Inspired by EmoBro at One Brother's Journey

10 Things about Me
I am fun!
I am creative
I am resilient
I am honest
I am forgiving but never forgetting
I have integrity
I love myself
I am passionate
I am pour love freely
I am hard on myself

9 Ways to Win my Heart
Affection
Thoughtfulness
Kisses
Intelligence
Intensity
Romance
Humor
Emotional Wellness!
Know me

8 Things I want to Do Before I Die
Visit Africa
Be successful at what I do (whatever that is!)
Own a lovely, comfortable house
Be happy
Have Dreads
See Jill Scott live
Be financially stable
Know what love is..


7 Things I Believe In
Equality
Reciprocation
The effects of Gentrification
Monogomy
God (waning on that a lil)
Goodness in people
The Power of Love

6 Things that get me Mad
Ignorance
Intolerance
Pettiness
Hatred
Bigotry
Skinny people making fat jokes

5 Things I'm Afraid of
Falling
Failing
Not making it on my own
Dying alone
Not having a voice

4 Of my Favorite Items In my Room
Father's Painting
Bed
Makeup Kit (hahaha)
Lil Warrior Statue

3 Things I do Everyday
Worry
Plan
Text Message

2 Things I need to do Right Now
Laundry
Improve

1 Person I want to see Right Now
My dad (R.I.P)

Can't resign myself to mediocrity!

That's theme of today! Carry on!

Don't tell me there's not a race prob in NYC!

Before we get to that...firstly, Saturday...started as normal Saturdays do..mom bursts into my room, asking if I'm going to work that day. I say no and try to resume my rest which has been ruined...BUT I was able to get 2 more hours..SCORE!
Wake up..cleaned...got my hair done...

*this is where the shit hits the fan*
I get there and the woman takes 4 hrs to do what takes 2 hours to accomplish. Which for me..is fine--- IF IT COMES OUT OK! which it did not by any stretch of the imagination..Luckily, she was clever and I didn't see what the heck she was doing until I got home...which was when my temper flared. If you don't know me, which you may not know..I have a terrible temper which can leash out uncontrollably at times. I was sitting in the chair while the next woman who took equally as long to fix one patch as it did to do my whole head...while I had dinner plans...
I wanted to scream, shout, punch, pummel...ANYTHING!
'
Alas, I kept my composure. Met up with Twin#2...haha (twin#1 and twin#2 are not twins - they don't look like but everyone says they both look like me) She made me feel special but in a weird way. Proceeded to Pink Teacup where we sat down to eat.

Now...if you know the Pink Teacup...it is a tiny lil spot in the village where 2 big girls, such as ourselves take up a lot of space....after we're sitting and we're looking through the menu and our mouths were fixing to stuff ourselves with mac n cheese, smothered pork chops, sweet yams..the biz niz..the lady came over and asked us to move!!! THE NERVE! Twin#2 became really agitated because she heard the lady say, "Its ok -- one day, it'll be your turn." This of course, I totally missed because I was engrossed in one of many sidekick conversations...whomp whomp...

Anywho..we go to Manetus which the food was ok. But, I wanted to wrap my lips around some soul food.
After there, we make our way to Maracas which had us tipsy off of one drink...we're lightweights...to be big girls...
We laughed and talked and had a wonderful time until it was time to make our way home via yellow cab which is absolutely impossible once a pale person aka whitey (yes, i said whitey - its my blog and i can write whatever i damn well please) sidles up next to you. Which means,.....everytime we were about to get a cab, some pretty young white girl or asian came up and snatched it right from under us....whomp whomp whomp

AFTER 2 HOURS, HYPOTHERMIA AND A BRUISED RIB FROM HAVING MY HAND IN THE AIR....FINALLY GOT IN A CAB THAT MADE ME PAY A NEGRO SURCHARGE OF $10 TO GET IN THE DAMN THING... (NegroSurcharge: is that extra fee they make you pay for being stranded in the cold and black going to a negro area, i.e., my fare is usually $20 - they made me pay$30)

DRAMA RAMA...WHEN DOES IT EVER END!?

Anger Management Issues

Friday night was a bust. I allowed my friend to bamboozle me into going by his house before we go out...WHY OH WHY WAS I A DUMB BITCH THAT DAY!??? LMAO

needless to say, we didn't go out..i ended up taking a cab...after watching my friend fall into a deep sleep- snore and all...

Saturday
Woke up kind of late today. First time I could say that in a long time
and in all honesty..I woke up at 10:30. I remember when I could wake up
at 3 and go back to sleep at 10...those days are gone and so, I open
myself to adulthood very reluctantly.
Went to get my weave done cuz I need a break from my reality: short
natural hair...I want to be a different person for a while. And
so.....in doing so I ate up my entire fucking day. It takes on average 3
hrs to do a weave...so why oh why did it take FIVE for mine? I'll tell
you...its because the girl fucked up the first time and let me leave
with it still fucked up and was SHOCKED when I came back requesting it
be fixed....then the girl who fixed it took 2 hrs to do what could've
taken an hr...delaying the rest of my plans...I had plans to go out at
7...I didn't leave the shop til 7:10...hoping my friend didn't
leave....SHIT! I wish I could've smacked her real good..just wanted to
say "don't look in my face bitch!"...ahhhhhhh!

My New Hobby is...

Being tired.
I'm fucking exhausted and its a deep exhaustion all the way to my damn
bones....

Recap:
I forgot on Sunday...they told me I get a wonderful bonus...how much is
it? 150.00. Yay! Right? No? Ok.. I'm not complaining because I could
get nada and Xmas is coming but dayum...I'm worth more..feeling
oppressed.

FFWD>>>>>
Last night went to my friends's going away party. She's loved by
many...awwwwwww........
I might make this dude my gay son. Little scared cuz I don't have it all
together myself...but I think I'd be good. Who knows?

Back to my new hobby...Exhaustion...
Can't get more than 4hrs a nite add that to 12hr days...u get why its
perfect for me....

THE SAGA CONTINUES.....

*****************
Written about 10 hrs later below:
Just got paid..Friday nite...u know that beat:
Why in the hell do I need a goddamn drink so bad.
Now, I'm not a drinker by far....but...I need a lil mood stabilizer so
to speak....
Hard hard hard hard week. Get one day off then back on the grizind.

So....I ask. My girlfriend to meet me for dessert at Cafeteria (feeling
very Sex and theCity) with our bad selves...when he declined...too
bad...needed thew sexy company...but I don't think I'm pretty enough to
be seen with him tonight.
Call up Twin#1..he accepts....but! He has to blow off BugleBoy to meet
me which he has no problem doing..but I do....after all....BB has had a
hard week too and I don't want to be another reason why his life sux...I
AM a bitch...but not that big of a bitch...needless to say...he's
picking me! Which says a lot for my company. At least I'd like to think
so....but that's kinda fucked up...hmmmm....do I care enough to decline
polite conversation and strawberry mojitos for.......doing nothing on a
ripe Friday night...the answer my friends is NEGATIVE!
TO BE CONTINUED....

Thursdays are for....

(title has nothing to do with anything..lol)

Wednesday
Went to MOMA with Afroman. Was a wonderful little outing. I'm not sure how I feel about modern art or art period. I liked the building and the atmosphere more than the actual art..is that possible. A few key pieces stood out to me that I might want to try on my own...hehe...

Thursday
You ever just don't like a bitch at work? I mean just don't like this little woman...sorry..don't have another breath to waste on that little heffa right now
Back to work. Phil didn't sit next to me...a little offended but I know what that's about..he's got a new honeydip....oh well...shit happens and then you step in it. Who does he sit next to and speak to all day...the bitch I hate and of course I have to hear them yucking it up all day..damn....Just hate her voice..
To make matters worse..I'm broke...brokety broke today. Grrreat!
Cold at work as usual and very annoyed..even more so...cause I need attention!!!! Sounding like a silly little girl..Ok enough for now....

Damnit!

So...Tuesday
Broke my damn heel on my favorite hooker boots...so pissed off...was
lookin so cute too...is that why big girls don't wear pumps,
hmmmmmmmm.....

Gave Afroman the link to my blog...was happy but partially scared. No
one else has the link.its like letting someone read your diary while ur
writing it...personal shit, man...why am I so scared to open up? Oh
yea...maybe cause I've had my heart ripped out before..can't blame him
for shit other dudes did to me .right?

Sunday...
Went to the club. Spoke to some big girls I know...they ignored
me...felt very offended. Like how the hell u gonna b rude to me? We all
in this together. Oh well...fuck those bitches.

Monday
Played hookey from work. Couldn't help it...read last post on
twin#1..think he gave me his cold.

Damn...feels like the week is going by fast..not fast enough............

Questions...

1. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
Anyone who has no musical talent...yet getting over on studio-engineered vocals.
2. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice? Morris Chestnut
3. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick? Ginuwine or Tyrese
4. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
Bills
5. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Bermuda
6. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?
Get all liquored up.
7. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
text/email I love..listen to that special someone's voice for the last time...
8.You accidentally eat some readioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with super-power of your choise! What's it gonna be
?flying
9. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again
?hmmmmmmi.....interesting question....first date with someone.
10. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
I would go back to a time when people REALLY got dressed up.
11. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
The time period between age 9 and 14. Awful years. Terrible years.
12. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!
Bermuda!
13. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
Aaliyah and 2 pac.
14. What’s your theme song? Umi Says - Mos Def

Today I feel like...

I don't want to have to answer to anyone but God. Even with Him...its like having a credit card...u do shit and pay for it later. Question is..can u really afford the consequences?I have so many decisions to make...so many choices. I've been depressed on some level for the past year I think. I came into 2006 with some heavy burdens...feeling unhappy..forced into shit. Spent the whole year mimicking that feeling. I'm lost. Worse than that, I'm lost in the dark wiith no flashloght.I shower strangers with more love than I do my own family. Strangers in the relative sense that I don't really know them--- what makes them tick, their entire story. well..maybe not..to my fam I'm a stranger. They don't know shit abt me. Thank angers me. I want to retreat in myself. I want to start over fresh. I want to be enveloped in love. I want to feel appreciated. Maybe there is a void thay was created when my parents died. A void that can't be filled.I don't wanna answer to anyone but God.....

Phil
He called yesterday on some hey-type thing. He's not trying hard. I'm sorta trying. I can see failure in our immediate future. Feelin like no one loves me. On some woe is me shit. Mind u....spent the whole day with twin#1. Twin#1 is a good gay male friend of mine who everyone says resembles me. Anyway...loved being with him all day. We slept, ate, watched a movie....talked, hit each other,tickled each other.....great...but now, I'm slumped in this depression.Sorry...went off on a tangent....With Phil..he just wants me for my assets...I kind of want to but think its loneliness...can't tell what my own intentions r...damn!

Afroman
"Its been too long. Come let me hold you." That's what I feel abt him....I know in my heart that I love him. I know that I need him on some level but in my heart...I'm afraid to take that step..more like leap...into love into hurt into the unknown. Or maybe that its getting cold and when it gets cold that's when these needs come up...need to connect. Need to feel loved. Need to be held....I wonder if he can meet these needs or if I'm asking for too much...am I? I just want to wrap myself in him.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift.- mantra of the day

How about a lifetime...

I'm having a dizzy lifetime..lol
that was the topic of discussion today and it was quite hilarious.
I feel like I'm having a dizzy lifetime. (not days, weeks, months- my whole lifetime is dizzy) I know the right thing to do..and I swear I'm doing it..but its just ----I'm not doing it.

I'm so exhausted..they need to create a new word for it. But, TO BE YOUNG TO BE YOUNG! O WHAT A FEELING! lmao

Random Shit

Fear
I have a fear of failure that I think cripples me at most times. I don't want to confront someone out of fear they'll beat my ass. I have a fear of having a 1 night stand out of fear, I'll get herpes or syphillis or some nasty shit that no one wants...eek! DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA!

Jail
I couldn't imagine being locked up for the rest of my life. I think of all the beautiful (a lil crazy, innocent, guilty) black and latino men in jail and the thought of it scares me. How can you lock someone up with the intention of rehabilitating..if you put an animal (not saying we are animals - except in the clincal sense of the word) in a cage and control every aspect of his life...when he gets out he's like a bull in a china closet so to speak. I just shuddered thinking about my ex who came out of jail ready to fuck anything...ewwwwwwwwwww!

Men!
Why do you stare? Say something, keep your eyes to yourself or better yet..don't say shit at all.. I've been blessed since a very young age with t n a...a little too much..and since then I've been ogled and I really don't appreciate it. Makes me feel all dirty inside...or maybe that's another one of my hang-ups I gotta get over.
Also...do not douse yourself in cologne..makes my nosehairs sting...yes..I said it!

Subsubject: PHIL
What's funny is..the more I look at this boy..the more I like him..I think...He actually got up and starting singing "Candy Rain" and dancing...it was so cute. He was shaking his lil booty and everything..just to break up the monotony of the day..It was so cute, which makes me feel like I'm an idiot for not getting involved..but he's told me EXPLICITLY he just wants the panties...But I want him to squeeze me and kiss me>>>is that so bad? Why deos he smell so good?
this is the shit that gets girls knocked up!!! in the middle of kissing he's taking shit off and ur like o wait..we're having sex..oh well..not saying..just saying...(if he's any good at what he does)

Work
Why do I always feel like everyday is hump day...like each day at work gets harder and harder....hmmmm...
I realize that this is not what I am supposed to be doing and it is not my purpose in life and this is a means to an end. One of the most legit means to an end..but gosh darnit!!! I just want to fucking scream!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I HATE THIS SHIT (in Chris Rock's voice - remember that comedy sketch he had...forgot the name of it...) I HATE THIS SHIT!!!!
I'm so dizzy because I answer the phone everyday with the same phrase a million times a day..yet I forget to say it at least 5/10 times a day...hmmmmmmmmmmm
Why does it seem like my phone is always the one that always ringing..hmmmmmmmmmm
Officially over Phil...so sad so sad..we could've made beautiful music together. Sadly, I think he's over me as well. I like to think of myself as so beautiful that no one could possibly get over me..that I'm some kind of heartbreaker but I don't that would be very accurate at all..hahahaha
The boy can dress though..
On 2nd thought, that look he gave me just now...he does still like me...hahaha
I think the problem is is that he doesn't treat me like I'm precious. Which at the end of the day, I do! I do want to feel special..that's not so bad, right?
Ever fantasize about beating the shit out of your co-worker...The one person at work I fucking hate is my Secret Santa..how fucking ironic...I HATE THIS SHIT!

Tired of complaining ass black folks...
Tired of whining ass white people...
Tired of crazy Asians...lol
Tired of bargaining ass Pacific-Islander people..
Just plain ti'd (lol)

arrggh!! Monday!

Am so excited to start writing today..get all those thoughts out of my head...Feeling very inside my own skin today..feeling very the world is against me or is it the other way around? I don't even know anymore...

Yesterday, my day off was Bee-yoo-tee-full!
Just laid around the house all day. Half-cleaned. Was sitting in silence just lost in my thoughts...wonderful!
It truly felt like a day off. Was all by my funky self and it was great. Got my bills together and listed everything and figured out a budget and everything. Was feeling very grown..Even watched a lil tv. Smiled!

The bill aspect was scary --- feeling as if I have a lot of money I owe with only a few cents in my pockets...so I'm working like hell. I wonder if breaking into the porn industry is hard for big black women..lol...But it is a necessary evil...trying to be grown..trying to be grown!!!!

Went to sleep woke up and now I'm funky again...I think I got enough hours of sleep but its this job I think. I'm not happy at all. I feel like I'm stuck once more in another situation where people watch you to see if you're cracking at the seams...the unhappiness just pours out of people here or is that everywhere?????

This morning..the moms was in my space. She tries to be my friend..not gonna happen. I think its just years and years of taking shit off of her that I feel like I don't have to deal with her. You can pour sugar on shit and call it oatmeal. I never felt like I could trust her with my own feelings..my own mother....hmmmmm...

Back at work..missing the silence. Wondering why more people aren't like me...So vocal! I've never been one to love to hear myself talk. Never been one to want fill space with empty words...Guess it's time to wake up..but damn! That's what irks me about people...always wanting to tell them to shut the FUCK UP!
I was always that way..my house growing up was very silent unless it was us screaming at each other...I get irritated when people talk to me unannounced...my hang-ups aren't everyone's hang-ups o maybe I should get over myself....who knows!!!

So..yea...another 12-hr day here at the job..Might expect another post from me today..gotta get my thoughts together.

nappturality

hey!

so...i read this woman's blog abt being natural and how free and happy she is..was feeling so happy and just wanted a piece of that...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

it actually brought a lil sniffle to my eyes....

i love my naps, but i'm estranged from them right now. i dunno..i chopped it off...and now i'm waiting for it to grow out..hate this phase...

waiting to be reunited with my nappy happy self....muah!

hahahahah fuck u!

oh yea...remember the invite situation...

NO ONE SHOWED UP!

that's what you get when u put bad karma in the air.

BITCH!

it's not that i feel like calling people evil names is fun..its just that i was fucked with and i think its funny that they were compromised in return.
cuz i brings the fun to any occassion..

hahahaha

lemme stop..i'm having a party in feb..don't want to get bad karma biting me in the butt...

wtf?

y do i keep going for the same type of guy? LOSERS!
if u live at home with ya momma and u have nothin in ur pocket but a stick of gum..i fuckin love u.
wtf?
what's wrong with me?
so, i'm sitting at work staring at phil all day salivating at the mouth and i realize he's just a friend...YUP
we've crossed over into that place and i'm so sick of it...

danger signs:
1. he works with me..
2. he lives with his aunt and his uncle
3. he's 25 and has admitted he has trust, commitment, and a whole slew of issues....
4. he's admitted that he only wants the panties and he still hasn't called since the 1st time we spoke

yet and still i look at him with stars in my eyes...

not to mention anthony hamilton..hehehe..that's what i'll call him.

he just got a job..we have so much history me and a.h.
i loved him in high school...stalked him until we graduated when he finally decided that he loved me back. but...then fucked a white girl and dated her for the year after that..GREEEEEEEEEEEAT
then he comes back in my life and says he wants to build something

he hurt me so bad when he pulled that disappearing act shit and i want to take him back but a part of me is like DANGER DANGER!
but the other part is wondering...

but i don't want to be a dumb bitch...that is my fear..to be the dumb bitch in the room is very very depressing.

i hate that phrase..but i love him..but i feel it in my bones...

gotta let him goo goo gooooooo!

(but i love him) hahahahaha

i went off on a.h. because he was another one - no job, living at home...
saying let's move away together....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but i said all of that to say...

don't i deserve better???
don't i deserve a man who loves me in all my voluptuousness...smart-assedness...quit wit..all that i have to offer...

but damn...y am i getting all these losers? is that what i think i secretly deserve???

lemme stop b4 the tears start..

(here i go posting this in the blog world...away away...

A little survey....

I say...
I am not: as tough as I think I am.
I hurt: when people don't appreciate me
.I think: ungodly thoughts about some of my house brothers...hehe
I hate: niggas and flies..I do despise..
I cry: only when no one can see.I
care: deeply for the state of the world.
I feel alone: sometimes even in a room of people.
I listen: to what ur not saying...
I hide: behind a cute smile, a bucket of hair and nice paint
.I drive: these 1986 Chevro-legs.
I sing: songs even if I don’t know the words
I dance: to reduce stress
I write: less and less now that I'm out of college.
I breathe: easy knowing one day it’s got to get easier.
I miss: not having any responsibilities
I say: what I mean...trust!
I feel: defeated at times
I succeed: in not allowing others to continuously affect me.
I fail: to see the full picture sometimes.
I dream: about the future.
I sleep: less than the recommended 8 hrs...
I wonder: about what certain think of me...and how did we start referring to ourselves as numbers instead of people with names..this is # 24689821
I want: to be happy
I worry: about the impact of my decisions in the long-run
I give: too much of myself.
I fight: with myself
I wait: for life to begin.
I stay: inside of myself
I am: my own creation

take your time, young grasshopper

so..i've been thinking a lot..cause that's all we have to do in this customer service industry...
i've realized i may not have a lot of friends...i have sooo many associates. 200 people in my addr book..but i don't call but 3 people when i'm feeling blue or want to go out...and i'm wondering y..
i feel like i'm waiting for my life to begin..waiting waiting waiting...

i really don't know..

This is what I want

to be comfortable....
to be in love..
to be financially stable
to be appreciated
to be in my own apartment (hehe)

are all these things just unattainable..like an intangible God that we were all told to believe in as children?
Just some thoughts that are bubbling over in my brain...

Weekend? What Weekend?

So, its Sunday and back on the grind...hmmmmmmmmmm
Decided not to got Philly at the last min. Philly gets people into trouble and I'm glad I didn't..had a dream I was going to beat the shit out of this dude..which I still want to..

Feeling so violent lately.

Weekend was boring as usual..

Nothing much to report..back at the job I HATE!
Later...

What is my purpose?

Sitting here at work, wondering what is my purpose?
I hate this job...I like the people I work with but the actual job sucks...I just don't like talking to people.
I work in customer service. I feel like I should be doing something better with my time....but I work and I work damn hard for my money. I work hard for these folks and I feel unappreciated.

So, what is a girl to do?

Waiting for the weekend..plans are up in the air.
May go to Philly...may take myself out to the movies...
HMMMMMM...who knows....
Stay tuned...


On another note....
I am seriously crushing on my coworker...lets call him Phil...
Phil is soo soo sexy..I just want to jump him everytime I see him.
His face is ok...his body is everything.

EVIL

I am in an absolutely evil fuckin mood...how the fuck can we be apart of the same organization..u fuckin love me and u overlook me in ur dinner invite. U knew that I would find out u had a dinner....and u chose not to invite me...fucking BRICK!!!!!

---------------------
Ok, that rant was because I'm apart of the same group of "friends" and I found out from one that the other didn't invite me to his soiree...Which I shouldn't be offended about ----but I am because I feel like its fucked up...

BUT THATS OK...FUCK U! I DONT NEED UR INVITE!!