Painted in a corner

Basically, I didn't get the promotion.
I didn't get a raise.
I didn't get my day off.

I'm surprised I kept my composure.

I gambled and lost.

And I am comtemplating how I will prevent a mental breakdown.
I'm wondering if I should stop blogging so that no one bears witness to my downward spiral. I am questioning who will miss me if I cease to exist.
I'm pondering how long it will be before I give up. I hanging off the side of the cliff with one finger.

No one is here to save me.

I am a mess.

Who knows what my next move will be...
Is this really my life?

Hurt turns to Rage

Yesterday was a culmination of emotions for me.
I figured out that my job is trying to fuck me over.
I've been fighting for this promotion for about 2 months. I spoke to who
would be my supervisor in the department I wanted to move to about a
possible transfer, thus going over my current supervisors heads. The
supervisors where trying to put me as leader of my department (without
letting the current leader know he was being ousted) while I wanted to
move to Accounting. They promised that if I wanted to move or stay, I
would get a raise. There was a lot of sneakiness behind them trying to
move me that I wasn't feeling. I told the current lead that he was being
ousted. He held some animosity towards me for a minute, while my
position in the company was in serious limbo. I finally got the ok to
move about a week ago but there was no talk about a raise which I
desperately need.

Yesterday, it hit me. They're lying. I'm not getting moved to the next
department.

Firstly, the same supervisors who were upset that I didn't come to them
to request the transfer, didn't speak to the head of accounting, stating
they approved my transfer.

Secondly, since I work in customer service and a secondary department
headed by a 3rd manager (yea, that's how low on the totem pole I'm on),
the same supervisors didn't tell that manager that I've moved either.

Thirdly, someone else was hired in accounting recently.

Fourthly, I asked one of the supervisors about my raise. He said oh, I
wouldn't be able to approve a raise that comes out of their budget.

That was really the endpiece to the puzzle. They're playing games with
me. I don't appreciate it at all. As soon as he said that, it all makes
sense. I played my hand, thinking they had my best interests at heart.
They had their objective in mind which I didn't want to be apart of so
they screwed me. It reminded me of a lyric from one of Common's
songs..."my generation never understood working for the man." In that
moment, I understood.

For the good of the company, I've given up having 2 consecutive days
off, for 6 months, I worked every weekend, I've taken on 3+ job
descriptions, and I'm being underpaid.

For my effort, I'm behind on all my bills.

This is from a black woman and a black man who have repeatedly told me
they're working for me, they understand what I've given up, and that I
will be rewarded.

Bullshit.

Today, to salvage something at this job, I will speak to the head of
Accounting and see if there is a way I can have the position with the
intended pay increase.

If his answer is no, I can already feel the rage building. There's no
telling what the backlash would be. I know I couldn't work there
anymore. My bills and rent will be paid. They have to be. Who knows?

So....that paired with the other shit going on with my mom making me
feel huge and ugly. My money being funny. Being lonely and dealing with
Afroman's and BestFriend's absence. The holidays are here and having no
family. Its just a lot going on.

I have a lot of rage inside. I have a lot of hurt inside. All I can say
is....we'll see.

We'll see.

And then the rain fell

I'm really hurting right now.

I can't really go into details, because it's just too much for me.


Until I can...

OMG!

I had a post all written out on the sidekick waiting. But, I had to share this.

I took a color test and it blew me away. First part..here are the results..



Your Existing Situation
Relatively inactive and in a static condition, while conflict of one sort or another prevents peace of mind. Unable to achieve relationships of the desired degree of mutual affection and understanding.

Your Stress Sources
Seeks independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoids obligations or anything which might prove hampering. She is being subjected to considerable pressure and wants to escape from it so that she can obtain what she needs, but tends to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to obtain physical satisfaction from sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.

Your Desired Objective
Her need to feel more causative and to have a wider sphere of influence makes her restless and she is driven by her desires and hopes. May try to spread her activities over too wide a field.

Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She reacts by seeking outside confirmation of her ability and value in order to bolster her self-esteem. Inclined to blame others so that she may shift the blame from herself. Anxiously searching for solutions and prone to compulsive inhibitions and compulsive desires.

Your Actual Problem #2
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.



So true. But I am not emotionally aloof.
See what the colors say about you: http://www.colorquiz.com/

Niggas and Flies

I do despise. The more I hang around niggas, the more I hate flies.

I'm still feeling some type of way about last night. I shouldn't. I know, but some things just get under your skin. I can't help but feel like shit about myself. It was a feeling that was a long time coming. For the 3 days before Thanksgiving, all I ate for dinner was chips n dip with oreos and Pepsi.

I know.

Disgusting.

I was looking forward to spending some time with my mom on Thanksgiving because I just knew that things would be great. I knew that we would shoot the shit and laugh and talk and watch movies together and everything would be great.

I was disappointed.

Again.

I don't know what part of me clings to the fact that I need human contact or that I would be fulfilled by a relationship with a woman who only seeks my friendship when it is convenient for her.

It was all supposed to be better tonight. Afroman was supposed to come over. He was supposed to play Scrabble with me, then kiss me, hug me, caress me, fuck me, make love to me.

We'd been planning this since before he left upstate. He knew since last week. Tonight would be my night. I text him last night. Said I'd be home by 8:30. Gi and I decided to get an after-work drink. 8:30 turned to 9:30.

I text Afroman at 7:30. No response.
I called him at 8:25. Ditto.
I called him at 9:30. Same.

He text me at 10:30, saying he went to a basketball game with his family.

I'm flabbergasted.
There are no other words to describe how I feel.
I'm flabbergasted.

So.yea.....about Turkey Day....

So...yesterday's post was a little abreviated.

After, I wrote it, my mom called me down to get a plate. Her friend was there whom I totally love to death. She's so sweet. Here's how this went down.

Me. Hey Ladies.
Friend. Hey Nina. You look so good. Oh my gosh, look at your hair.
Me. Aww, thanks. You look good,too. How you been?
Friend. I'm good. Oh my gosh, you look so good.
Mom. Come, sit down.
Me. Sure.
Mom. **looks through my hair.** Oh, I just wanted to see how many tracks you had.
Me. *bewildered* OK.
Mom. You gained all that weight back.
Me. I had to. I lost it by not eating for a full week. It was bound to happen. Plus, it took me a while to gain it back.
Mom. No, it didn't
Friend. Oh, don't be that way. Nina looks good. She's never been skinny, but she carries herself well.
Me. Thanks Ms.Mom'sFriend. Yea, I was really really sick. I didn't eat at all. I lost so much weight. Then, I guess its back.
Mom. I'm watching a movie. Go make a plate.

***I make a plate***
**Sit down**

Mom doesn't look at me.
Why does she make me feel like I'm 16 years old again?

I leave. I come back upstairs to my apartment. I decide.


CSI.

Happy Turkey Day!

I worked from 10 - 4pm and now I am home. Sitting in silence. Debating - CSI or Law and Order.

So....

friday
I got my hair done. When I made the decision to perm my hair, I knew it
would be an inconvenience, but on Friday night I felt like I was about
to kill myself or the next person. I broke the cardinal rule. Do not get
your hair done on a Friday night. I left work early and got to the salon
at 4pm. Lets just say, I didn't get out the salon til after 10. 6
hours!!! And to make things much worse, I didn't like how my hair came
out.

Saturday
I ran a few errands and painted the accent wall (the wall where the bed
rests on) silver. Its soo cute. It more of a dark gray with a metallic
finish. I'm going to paint the rest of the walls a lavendar blush. I'm
really looking forward to it!
I took my gay daughter out to a restaurant. Initially, it was supposed
to be ice skating, but I woke up Saturday morning feeling like I got
beat up. My body was really achy. The restaurant we went to was Typhoon
on St.Marks in the East Village. Its an authentic Japanese restaurant.
It was really sad to see me handle chopsticks. Really sad.
We ate, laughed, and caught up. I feel really bad because I feel like
I've been an absentee mother but I had to get myself together.
We were having a great time together til it was time for us to wait for
her boyfriend. He had us waiting over an hour for him. He claimed he
fell asleep on the train and missed his stop.
Who the fuck can't stay awake for a 20 minute subway ride? Whatever.
He's a loser. She said it. I said it in a non-descript way. Its all
about her figuring it out for herself in a waya where she gets sick of
it and breaks up with his sorry ass. He does nothing for her. It reminds
me of my relationship with Afroman. Ugh!

Sunday
I woke up feeling blah. I slept for the better part of the day. The date
with SubwayLethario didn't happen. He didn't call. I didn't call. I was
planning on leaving it alone, but the bitch in me might just call him as
he's getting off of work to cuss his ass out. No one stands me up!
Hmph.

He better be incarcerated, maimed, or phone-less.
If he knows what's good for him.

January 3
Is the date that I get the promotion I fought for. I can not wait!!! It
was either I get this promotion or I quit. I'm hoping the days go by
quickly. I have to train someone for my position. That's the easy part
(hopefully).

My bosses are full of shit. They make it seem like what I do is so damn
difficult. It really is not. It pisses me off when people trump up their
job duties to make themselves feel more important. I do what I do. A
monkey could do what I do. So? You gonna fire me and hire a monkey? Be
my guest...

Anywho...my female manager pissed me the hell off saying that I'm
hostile towards her. Mr.Phil once told me that when I'm mad...its like
the whole office can feel it because my vibrations are strong. He might
be right-O on that. I used to be better at masking my feelings. I can't
anymore.

So sad.
It was a gift.

Oh well...if I think you're a dick, you deserve to know how I feel about
you through my wonderful non-verbal communication.

Oh yea....the achy body, blah feelings all equal a headcold.

*great*

...and that's the way the story goes...

BestFriend and I have been going through some trials lately. About a
month ago, she pissed me off over something small, but I decided to pout
and not call her or text her or anything. I was expecting for her to
call me. Why? Because every time we have a falling out, I call her
first. Everytime she and her boyfriend have a falling out, she calls
him...hmmmm....
I was proving a point, but I didn't expect for it to be a month.
Sounds petty...but hey! I'm not perfect.
She txts me today saying that she's been going through a lot lately. She
got fired from her job and now she's in Las Vegas where her boyfriend
lives. I'm kind of torn about the whole thing. I'm sorry she couldn't
call me when she was down and out. But, at the same time, that was her
choice. I've always been there for her. There was nothing to suggest
this time would be different even if we were on the outs. But...she
allows herself to be manipulated time and time again by her boyfriend.
Its like nothing gets through to her. I found myself constantly fighting
against him for her to truly look at herself in the mirror and see how
strong and beautiful she is. Then, he comes in when she is vulnerable
and bam! She's in Vegas with him: jobless, carless, and friendless.
Right where he wants her to be. I love her. She's the closest thing to a
sister I have in this world, but I don't know if I can be that for her
anymore. a friend of mine said to me that I'm the type to leave anyone
without the slightest glance back...maybe he's right. She called my mom
to ask her about me. My response to her was...BF needs to find herself.
It sounds cliche but...its true. She needs to build on her character,
her esteem, her true goals in life...I'm not sure what my next step with
her will be. Its really a situation where I can't help her. I have my
own issues. Sounds heartless...but how can I see you clearly when I
can't even see myself....

yay but nay!

I called SubwayLethario (thus named until I can come up with a better
name) a few times and each time it goes straight to voicemail. I had
given up on him until this morning I finally checked my messages. For
some reason, I can't stand listening to voicemail. But, there were 2
messages from him. But...still for some reason, we can't speak.
Hmmmm.....
My goal is to reach him and go out Sunday. We'll see how that goes.

But yay! There is a possible man in my life besides Afroman. But quite
Nina-like, he's ummm unreachable....*Great*

Every rose has its thorns....

My relationship with my mother is a prickly one at best.
If ya didn't know:
My biological mother passed away in May of 1989. My dad remarried in
September of '89. I was 3 yrs old. Since then, I've had mixed feelings
about her. She's the only mother I know but sometimes she makes me feel
like a stepchild and I make her feel like a stepmother.

This morning as she was taking me to the train station, we discussed
holiday plans. She's going to South Carolina, her birthplace for
Christmas. I might be working for Thanksgiving and my New Year's will
probably be a big party. She asked me why I never want to go to South
Carolina. Every time she brings it up, I usually deflect the question or
jus say I don't know. I'm 21 years old. I'm bold. I said because they
still call me your stepchild. She immediately became upset, calling it a
lie. "Who told you to say that?" she asked. "Why would I lie?" I asked,
calm as a cucumber.

As she dropped me off, she said, "Well they still call you a stepchild,
I've read in your diary many times you say I'm not your mother."

She sure knows how to make an exit.
But, we all knows she's right. Still, doesn't make it right though.
Maybe one day I will value family and I'll wish I had made more of an
effort to like these people. But, I won't let myself feel like a
stepchild.
I'm too old for that. Besides, every rose has its thorns. It may look
nice but every time I try to hold it, it sticks my finger...

American Gangster + New Boy + Sleeping in Beds

You would think that after the wisdom tooth fiasco, I would be pooped at work. I was not.

Nope!
I breezed through the day. Kinda. I didn't allow myself to stress.
When I stress, I grind my teeth. I bite down suddenly and that's not good. So.....I did my work. I was off in space, I laughed, joked, threatened.

7pm came and I wasn't plotting murders or hiding places for bodies. A
good day in my book. I got in some one on one time with McDreamy. He is the sexy nighttime manager. He laid things out on the line. He doesn't mince words as I told him of my fickle attitude towards moving from one department to the next. He said.....maybe this would be an oppurtunity for you to get something else on your resume so when you do decide to leave you have something stellar.

He's right!No one is claiming loyalties to that place and I'm glad I don't have to pretend.But, the Nina in me couldn't let me let go.I have until Monday to decide. I might decide to go to the left...to the left.....

I spoke to Afroman. Right before the tooth drama,last night, we were doing our nighttime flirting.
I mentioned my apartment was hot, which it is, and I was going to sleep topless...which I intended to.
He said he was going to bed commando.
I had a moment of clarity.

[Let us not forget that he is living with his ex]

I asked if he sleeps by himself in his old bed.
He said....'ummmm....lol....not exactly"

*horns come out. steam out the ears*
I had to stop talking to him.
So, today while I was at work, he called. He said he sleeps on a futon, but mostly, he sleeps in the bed with HER.
so not cool
I didn't ask why. I didn't say anything crazy. I just said ok and moved on to the next topic. Because, ya know, it doesn't require an explanation. At least he didn't insult my intelligence by saying they dont fuck. Afroman has never slept in my bed without us having sex. So, where I stand is clear. He's sleeping with her then he's going to come home for Thanksgiving and is planning on sleeping with me.

I'm so turned off by him right now. The boy in me says "Don't I get to cut him a break for his honesty." The woman in me says, "Eww! He's tainted now...."

I haven't had sex since the beginning of August. What to do?
Jenny ...
E...
Neemie! Help a sista out....Much obliged.

So, that's that..moving right along....

Gi, LP, and I went to the movies to see American Gangster.It was a good movie. Almost worth the $11 Gi paid for for my ticket. THANKS! hehe
It was also a long movie. I got up to sore knees like dang. I'm 5ft and if my legs are hurting, they need to make some type of adjustments.

Denzel was delicious in the movie. He's sexy, smooth, and a gentleman.

From another point of view, it showed how the white man can't stand it when a black man is doing something for himself. Instead of showing Lucas' point of view of how he pulled himself up from the slums of North Carolina, it showed Russel Crowe taking him down.

But, I guess that's the black woman cynicsm in me.

After the movie, I still felt pretty darn good about myself. Me and my purple and green eyeshadow and my high heeled boots trotted on down to the train station, where the train came precisely 2 minutes after I stopped walking. *which is great because while the boots make me feel great on the inside. In all reality, it made my toes hurt.* I sat down and immediately made eye contact with the dude next to me. He was tall (maybe) hehe...was casual cool. Something about him was so easy.We made eye contact. I smiled. He raised his eyebrows. I smiled wider.

I pulled out my phone to (give him a signal) see what time it was.
He said..."How come my number's not in there"
I said..."It could be..." (so badass right?)

He's 30. 2 kids (2 and 12). works at a law firm and a print shop. (but he'll make time for me --- his words)Gi said leave the older ones alone..lol

I left still trotting and with a smile.

This was a gold star day.

(deserving of a long post)

Oh Masters of the Universe....u bitches!

Last night, after work....Gi, LP, Aladdin and I went to BBQ's for drinks
and dinner after our favorite bar was way too crowded.
The night went well with chicken, ribs, and shrimp all around. Drinks
were flowing and I came home tipsy enough to fall asleep soundly, tucked
in a little past midnight.

At around 1:30am, I woke up to the same sharp pain, I've been subject to
before. Damn wisdom tooth!

O
M
G!!!!

I searced the house. No Excedrin. No Anebesol.

The whole right side of my face became swollen. I could barely open my
mouth. It was a throbbing pain.
I thought...hmmm...its not safe to go out at this time of night. Let me
call a cab to the store. It was there in 5 minutes. I ran into the store
a few blocks from my house. No Anebesol, but they have Excedrin in the
little packs. Shit! Ok....I took 5. Got back home...usually 1 Excedrin
numbs the pain. 2 makes it go away. After 4, I was stil throbbing. Shit!
I don't want to overdose on ibuprofen. Fine.

Think. Think. Think.
I bit the bullet.

Mom, can you please take me to the Duane Reade downtown to get some
Anebesol? My mouth is killing me.

Rah.rah.rah.rah. Fine.

I waited 20 minutes for her to get ready as I waited for her in the
cold. I was pissed.

We rode in silence, exept for her interjections that I don't spend my
money on the right things. May be true.

Funny thing is, on the way back, I think the Excedrin kicked in. Shit.

If your tooth was really hurting, you would've put the Orajel on. Hmph!
I couldn't open it.

I got home rubbed it on and went to sleep. It was after 3.
Great.
Is it a miracle I didn't get to work more than 20 minutes late....

lethargic is an understatement

For the past few weeks, I've been feeling like my life is passing by in
a blur. I'm just really out of it. It doesn't matter how much sleep I
get or anything....its just like blah...
I've been late to work everyday. When I'm there, I can't focus. I've
been making stupid mistakes. I don't know what's causing it or how to
shake myself out of this funk.
Its spilled over into my home-life. My apartment is a mess. It took me
an hour to clean up the living room when it should've taken me 20
minutes. I kept sitting down to download music or check my myspace or
something. I have swept or mopped or vacuumed. I'm usually very
meticulous about my lifespace.

I know I'll get it together when Afroman comes into town. No one wants a
chick with a dirty house.I don't want him to see how messy I can be.
He's really meticulous about his lifespace, too.

Bacon, eggs and Bold for breakfast

Tuesday
I must have had confidence shake or something. I put on my supercute
dress, knee high boots, funky hat, and the most subtle makeup and
trotted out the door to work. As the train approached, I walked past a
man who was looking my way. I glanced back. Smiled and proceeded onto
the train. He's maybe 5" 7, mahogany brown, long dreadlocks, goatee, not
skinny not built...somewhere in the middle. I thought about how dry I've
been lately and how I should date but didn't want to seem thirsty by
going into the car he was in. I told myself if it were meant to be, he'd
transfer trains the same time I did.
He did.
We did the same dance. Smiling at each other, looking down the tunnel to
see if the train was approaching.
The train comes.
We walk on at the same time.
He sat. I stood. I only had one stop.
I finally walked up to him and said....

'Are u single?'

[Kind of awkward and a little too forward]

Kind of. I'm dating but not exclusively.
[Ummmmm.................at least he's honest. Think, Nina, what do you
want........I can date around]

Sounds fine. You want my number?

You can take mine.

(I pull out my sidekick)

You have a sidekick, how old are you?
[I am stunned. I lie.]

22. You?

32.
[Niiiice. You can teach me some thangs....aoow!]

I take it just as the train pulls into the station.

"Thank you," I say as I sashay off the train.

I haven't called him yet. Probably today. See what's the deal for the
weekend......

Creep!

I love this city, but I feel like it is over-run with creeps and
perverts.

Case and Point.
I get on the train. I'm sitting across from an older man. Everytime I
look up from writing a post on the kick, he's staring in my face. Whoa.
A little intense. I get up. Get off the train to transfer to another
train. He transfers to the same train. I stand towards the door with my
back to him. I look at my reflection in the door glass, he's staring at
me. I get off the train, I bypass the exit everyone is walking towards
and I'm walking pretty damn fast. I look back, he's right behind me.
Omg! I'm freaking out. I walk faster and I finally lose him on the
street.

Scary.

A Lil Morning TMI

I'm horny. Yes I've said it. I'll say it again. I'm horny. And...there's
no one to help me out because the gods of irony love fuckin with me! I
had the most amazing aim sex with Afroman. If the preview is anything
like the movie...it will be a double feature when he comes home for
Thanksgiving.

It was a weird conversation actually. I asked him for tips on how to
pick up men. He gave me some good pointers. Then he asked me what I was
doing...I told him the truth - laying in bed staring at the cieling.
Then....bam! It was on. Its apparent. All you have to do is mind-fuck
me. The rest will flow. I miss him. I miss his lips, his dark smooth
skin, his presence, his morning-after eggs *wink*

Ugh!

Getting off of work, I feel -quite simply- ugly. It's just a low
self-esteem day. Life is not what I want it to be right now.I have to
pay rent, con edison, my phone bill, my cable bill this week. I'm tapped
out before I even get my check. The bullshit from work is overwhelming.
Evidently, I left the oven on in my mom's house. It was on from
4pm...til she got home until I don't know when. After midnight. I stared
off into space for short periods of time unable to focus on anything
today intermittently. It literally took me saying to myself..'Look. This
needs to be done. If you don't do this, you'll look like a douchebag
when you get promoted and then you fail.'
I'm going home to a house with dishes in the sink, a half-painted dining
room, a bedroom with clothes piled on every flat surface. What's worse
is that I can't find my lipglosses....all 86 of them. I'm supposed to be
writing my 50k word novel. I hate when my living space is not neat. I
hate when I can't find my lipgloss. I hate that I looked in the mirror
today and saw a bump on my chin and bags under my eyes and tired dull
eyes. I hate that I'm not the woman I thought I would be.

Maybe idealism breeds disdain for reality, but I can't help but cling to
the idea that the person I'm supposed to be is better than this.

I'm not in a rough patch....I'm in the valley....trying to claw myself
up so I can climb to the mountain again. The view is always better at
the top.

Halloween was scary bad....

I spent the day cleaning up and napping intermittently. I baked some
chicken and forgot about it. I was so exhausted all day. Later that day,
I decided to go to the village and hang for a bit. BAD MOVE. Basically,
I was forced onto the wrong side of 6Ave. My friends were on the left
hand side, I was on the right....I couldn't cross over because of the
damn parade. The train station was closed. I had to end up walking all
the way down to 23rd street to meet my friends. It was a big mess! At
the end of the night I was annoyed, headachey, and my joints hurt. A
beautiful night spoiled by crowds, drunk people, and horny men. Oh and
someone let off a stink bomb on the train. Great. Sometimes, I wish I
lived in a place less populated.

Work update:
The girl that was trying to take my promotion got fired. Management grew
tired of her persistent unreasonable demands.
A dispatcher walked out on the job. Maybe I should jump ship
too....hmmmmm.........

Here's to hoping I wake up in a better disposition tomororow.

November 1!

This marks the beginning of NaNo. National Novel Writing Month. Neemie
brought it to my attention a few weeks ago. The goal is to write a
50,000 word novel in one month. I've been ambivalent about the whole
thing, but I just might try it in between my 6-day work week, balls, and
trying to maintain some illusion of a social life.

Wish me luck.

[Even though you might take it back in a week when I quit]

Happy November!