Quickie

*live from the middle stall in the bathroom at my temp job*

A few things:

At my previous full-time, they cut pay an additional 10%. Good thing I got this job when I did, hunh?

My bff asked to move in with me for a few weeks. They're renovating her apartment. I told her yes (of course) but like, don't be upset when I'm never home and am cranky all the time. I hope she doesn't think it'll be like sleepovers every night. Bah! Lol

I think I might try Bikram yoga in the near future...like in 2 weeks...

I want to change up my hair. Keep it short but something.....else...hmmmm

The weirdest guy was just staring at me in McDonald's...smiling, trying to talk to me...shit! Let me eat in peace?

I may have a dude to go to a museum with in a "non-dating situation". Yay!

And yes, I still want to stab the chick that sits on the other side of the cube next to me at the temp job

*fake flush*

Later dolls!
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Ummm

The last post was supposed to be funny. Apparently, I'm the only one that jokes about dying.

My bad...
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hmmmm

i know you guys don't read my blog to just read how i'm sad or tired.

i figure i will learn there are depths to tired. there's a level of tired behind tired that i will reach and then blog about it.

until. you. kill. me.

hopefully, not literally.

i always wonder what will happen to this blog if suddenly, i you know, kicked the bucket. the problem with a top secret blog is that it's top secret. i know the other blog would go on...swagg's a control freak on a tight leash..but he would keep that blog up "in my honor" ha!

morbid, i know.

i guess since i do have a few blogger's numbers in my phone (si, yo soy especial) ((yes, i just went bi-lingual on your candy asses...), i would hope my mom or bff would have the gumption to go through my phone to call all my friends or send a mass text that i've died.

imagine, a mass text.

*ponders*

but, yes..i am ex.haus.ted.

so exhausted, i have a headache...literally.

and i've been wrecking my brain to figure out what to look forward to on friday because i need something to get me through the week. i think the thing i'm looking forward to is looking forward to doing something on friday.

my non-driver's license is expired. i have to go to the dmv or soon, as in next week, i won't be able to cash my checks. i have to go on friday. so, i'm excited to leave work 2 hrs early to wait at the dmv FOR.EV.ER because i really really really need to change my picture. i was 13 and my smile is weird and my mom did my hair that dad..i look like it was the 80s....

*sigh*

not much else is going on...especially the scrabble games...TRISH. *ahem* DAMON *ahem*

oh, did i mention, how i wish i had more money...oh wells....

sometimes...

i just need to be sad.


liz and i were having a conversation last week and she said that she did something for me because she felt like i needed to have somone give me something without expecting something in return.


she was right.

sometimes i feel like the world is on my shoulders. the real reason i blog is because you guys are the only ones that listen to me.

like, really listen.

half the time, when i call one of my friends, before i can get anything out past 'hello', they start going on and on about themselves, then after they're done, they ask me how i am. it's an afterthought. by then, i dont really feel like talking about what i called them for.

how do you unload when someone just unloaded on you? half the time i feel like the air has been sucked out of me when that happens..

i got to work today and before they could say anything, i told them about my problems. they didnt say anything more than...it'll be ok. you'll be fine.

my stomach is just in knots. i am a big tension ball...it's the long days...its the financial strain...its just always something..ya know.

i know i will be fine. i know everyone goes through things and i am fortunate to have what i have, however, i am not everyone. i am ME. i have to feel.

i can't be like roses and butterflies....although i've been more like gloom and doom than anything else. hopefully my mood will lift. right now...i can only be me.

the funny thing is...only one friend noticed my mood change. ONE. i want to blame it on youth. on people being self-centered and not particularly attentive to what others are going through. yea..i know...it helps me sleep at night.

right now, i'm thoroughly tired...i told myself i need something to look forward to in order to get through the week...i wanted to go to a mueseum on friday night...that may get sidetracked. maybe a $10 massage. who knows...we'll see..

next week i want to finally get my tattoo, i need a little hope and belief in my life. (if i can squeeze it in my already tight budget)

things will get better...i'm charging on...

p.s. i don't need anything. i dont need anyone to be like..it's ok. i dont need anything but a hug or a smile or a joke or or some flowers or a big bundle of money. the latter would be nice.

Woosahhhh

I've got financial stress on my chest. Its like an overwhelming pressure just looming. Literally a pain in my chest.

I thought my other student loan would only be $75 per month. NOOOOOO....

We would need 1% of the loan then we can do 10% of that every month.. $1000 down, $100 a month.

Ummm...no

Do you have anyone that can lend it to you?

(See last post, lady)

Ok...$150 every pay period til June.
Then we can go down to $100 per month.

The alternative would be wage garnishment.

*sigh*

Sign me up.

So...that $175 on a credit card, $150 every 2 weeks, $85 every month on another student loan + rent, food, utilities...and I wanted cable this year - ha!

The wedges I'm wearing are an inch high. I almost fell 2x in them in less than 5 minutes after that conversation. This from a girl who teeter tottered, slightly inebriated all night in 5 inch heels....hopefully its not a sign
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Look Outside Your Window: There's a Recession Happening, Y'know...

That's really what I wanted to say to this persistent collection agent.
I'm going to pay the credit card off. I am electing to do it in 4 months instead of 3, saving myself $75 per month that's going to go to yet another student loan.

Seeing her commission decrease, she caught a 'tude.

You must not know 'bout me. When someone gets rude or huffy with me...I get extra professional...

I don't play! Lol

Because at the end of the day, I don't take you home with me and I will have my way somewhere in the equation.

Needless to say, I will be paying it off in 4 payments....and it will be off my credit report by the end of the year- Hallelujah!!

It got me to thinking about my other resolutions. I haven't really stuck to them as much as this. I wanted to beat myself up but held back. We get so caught up in everything we want to do. I am a prized multi-tasker but also lately, I've been taking my time with certain things.

I figure, you can't go up and down at the same time. I'm on the right track...headed in the right direction.
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What?!

There is only one thing that pisses me off more than anything in the world. That is when people are not respectful of TIME.

I'm always on time or 15 minutes early. The only time I'm late is when I'm with 1 friend who drives me to certain places. He has a serious problem...but that doesn't count.

I almost broke up with Afroman. Why? Because he was always late. It took that for him to understand.
Don't mess with me and my time.

BFF...love her fiercely. Always putting things off til the last millisecond. Then she has to scramble to get it done.

(I've put off getting my license renewed and now I'm in hot water)

Whatever.

But, if I have to meet you or I say I'm going to meet you, I break my neck to be there on TIME. Why? because I respect its boundaries and now i can't get it back.

Everyone KNOWS this about me. If you're late, call me in advance. Advance is not 5 minutes before we're supposed to meet up. For all of that, I may tell you to stay where you are. (I've done it before) I'm not a Nazi. I'll give u 15 mins, but after that...I'm over it....

She said she was going to meet me at 11 o'clock. This wasn't new. We planned it yesterday. I called her at 10 when I got off work. I called at 10:45 when I got off the train. I've been blowing up her phone since then...no response.

I text her. I'm going to bed. Pick it up tomorrow.

11:48pm and she just called me to say she'll be here in 5 minutes?

I called her mom 15 minutes ago. She said she wasn't home. She didn't know where she was.

Are you fucking kidding me!!!

She knows I have to be up no later than 7 am. My schedule is so tight these days...I need my rest or its just not fun. Its just plain inconsiderate.

I'm going to be miserable tomorrow....shit!

Its 12 MIDNIGHT. She just picked it up.

I'm so pissed I'm shaking....
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Where Are Your Parents?

It is no secret that I am NOT scared of kids. I'd beat a child's ass in the street to the point where no on would question that it wasn't my kid...LOL

It would be like, why is Nina beating that curly haired light-skinned child? Oh, he must be mixed..hahaha!

10:00pm +
NYC
It is fucking coooold! Cold to where you need to be in your bed cuddled with some special. My bones are rattling. I'm tired. I've worked all day. These 4 little boys are running around the train. They look like they ranged from 9 - MAYBE 13. Yelling and carrying on.

Wtf?

Isn't it a school night, lil mofos??

I shot all of them a glance of sheer death if it continued. I like to think it worked, they promptly moved trains...

What is wrong in the world?

Shaking my head!

P.S. If I'm paying the MTA $100 a month to take me to and fro and so is a million other NewYorkers, why in the hell is there no heat on the train? I feel like I'm sitting on a park bench.
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Worker Drone

*shout outs to liz. what's the female version of bromance?? hmmm...

Around 3pm, I start jocking the clock hard (!!!) Shit! Its only 3:04...I am ready to go. 3:06? Only 2 minutes passed...fiddlesticks...

I'm in the bathroom because its the only place I feel comfortable using my phone. People don't crazy glue their fingers to their phones on the regular, who'd a thunk it?

Today's Pay Day, Job #2...woo hoo! I need to juggle my quest for cute shoes with needing to fix my hair and nails, decisions...decisions...
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First Day at the New Gig

Today was the first day..and I feel ok.

I woke up at 6:30am, after dreaming that I was in London dealing with a shady dude. We moved in together and I was redecorating. I remember pulling up tile and having pepsi fall out of the cracks...I felt bad that I was in love with a white dude, so the more we were together, the more his skin changed til he ended up looking like Djimon. lol

The temp agency said minimal make-up, dark colors.

Have they met me??

what does minimal make-up even mean????

I winged it...eye-liner, dash of blush, nude lipstick. I walk out my door at the same time my mom does.

"You know what, Nina, you are such a pretty girl."

*gasp*

My mother NEVER compliments me...lol

I get to the job 45 minutes early..(kinda felt like Chris with being paranoid I was gonna be late.) I kinda got lost because the Columbus Circle area is really a circle and i just wanna cut through...but I kept spinning right round baby, right round like a record..baby...lol

I get there...the day was moderate..not long not short, just me calling people asking for my money, biatch! lol

The temp agency also says they will fire me if they catch me on the internet for personal use or on my phone too often. I believe them. My supervisor is NEVER on the internet. he's really oppressed.

I get spotty reception anyway.

(but the chick next to me is so obnoxious. she takes multiple personal calls all day - very loudly. why do i know she's going to bendel's today, has a puppy named webster. her friend bought the same puppy and her mother is in love with him. it was quiet until she exclaimed, I LOVE LOLLIES...wtf?? bitch, you for tourette's? )

Nothing spectacular happened except at the end of the day, my supervisor was like, "Wow. I'm really impressed. You know your stuff."

*blush*

I'm at job # 2, fighting the urge to hit someone. I'm tired and tense in the shoulder area. lol

I realized, I really dont like people. Co-workers. Customers...but, I dont care because I'm on my grind. I have plans for this money, honey...

Obama as a Chimp? Really.....

.
yea...satire, my ass!

Sleep, the Knitter of all Wounds

I can't sleep

Almost 2 am and my mind is racing

Random shit, like Bristol Palin and Fashion Week pictures.

Weird.

This is gonna hurt tomorrow - err, today...

Arrgh!
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Yay!

I don't want to jinx anything but the temp agency I interviewed for 2 weeks (or more, hmmm) came through with a job. Its 3 months, with $2 more per hour than I'm making now, benefits, and direct deposit.

Plus! I can keep my job now as a part-time. So...I'll be working 12-14 hour days...yay! Well, not yay in that I'll be working long hours but yay in that I'll be making more paper ... Ummm....roughly $250 extra per week....after taxes.

Roughly. If I do 30 hrs per week...

(That's 16 eye shadows from MAC or 10 pairs of jeans or 10 nights at bbq's or 5 trips to the grocery store...)

But...I don't want it to be like the puppy situation. Yay then shit, I'm fucked...

A friend told me the ASPCA rescued a bunch (40+) small breed dogs from a puppy mill. They'll be available for adoption on Friday

I'm excited but with me planning on working 70 hrs a week...I don't think I should have a puppy...but I still want one...

Decisions.. decisions..
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Whackness Supreme

Today, I'm a little disgruntled...what's new? Lol

That's not what this post was supposed to be about.

Ever wonder why you want something so bad until its right there within your reach and then its like eh.

Weird.
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ScrabbleRabbleRowser....

Ok guys...the blogger Scrabble Tournament should be under way soon....

We have 5 contestants confirmed:

Amanda...Liz....Trish....Monie...

KofiBofah and Young Woman are undecided or it was unclear.

So, for right now..we're playing each other.

Liz is playing Amanda and Monie
I am playing Trish.

Here's what you need to do to play...

1. Write a comment or send an email to me at (dalipstickbandit@gmail.com)
or on Liz's blog (http://www.jirzygurl.blogspot.com/ ) or email Liz at jirzygurl@gmail.com

2. You can sign up for a free scrabble account at http://www.lexulous.com/. It is not required, however, it will give you an advantage.

3. Kick some booo-tay...
The only thing it requires is that you check your email regularly in order to play a word so that the games don't drag on forever....

If you leave a comment, you can start playing right away.

Dear Afroman

It is strange to me that you are just an fb status update in my life or that I haven't spoken to you since September. Above all, yes, you were my friend. Now, you are just that sad memory I wish I could forget.

Everyone says I am changing as a person. Maybe even you wouldn't recognize me anymore.

I miss you.

Some days, I feel irreparably broken as the person I used to be flakes away and washes off in the shower. How can you be friends with someone you thought was going to be your everything? How can you stop hating someone who you loved so fiercely and they walked away so easily?

I wanted you to choose me. And over and over again, you chose her or your family or to not be the man you promised you could be.

Today, I will let go. I will let you go. I will grow up.

Unwittingly, you have changed my life. You introduced me to Gnarls Barkley and Mos Def. You told me it was okay to be an "oreo" in a school full of fudge and you taught me that love without action is just pretty words.

You have taught me that yes, I can be broken by an emotion that lifted me up. You have taught me that sometimes love is not enough. You have taught me that you can extend yourself until there is nothing more and it is not enough.

Furthermore, you have taught me how to rebuild.

I must stand now. I have been down too long and although it hurts...I can't lay down in a dying hole. Its time for me to live now.

And while I can't fathom a world without you looming somewhere in the wings, I have to let go. Let go of questions of what could be, of why it didn't work, of any possibility of getting back together.

I'm fine.

I started out as coal, but through the pressure I've become a diamond. Precious in every way and I know my worth. Some day, someone else will, too.
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Weekend Recap

So, I hate doing "weekend recaps" lol

Friday, I played hookey from work to go to Philly with hopes of flexing my make-up artist muscle, make some faces pretty, go to a ball, and have some fun.

I got there at 2:30pm and actually got to see the better parts of Philly. I can admit, it had a bad rep in my mind. Downtown Philly or Center City is kind of nice. Its a mix of Downtown Brooklyn with a slight Manhattan feel.

One thing I will say, ummm....why aren't your trains labeled? Like, at all...no downtown or uptown side or train name...

Liz told me no one takes the train, but still...

My friend lives in North Philly and he failed to mention it until I got there that its a rough neighborhood. Someone gets shot almost everyday across the street from where he lives. Que!?!

I wasn't worried but yea...something you might want to mention...

I think the best part of the trip was meeting Liz and Chris who, despite thinking I was an old lady at first, are oh so adorable! I want to squeeze both of them! I think you guys should adopt me...lol. They're funny, full of stories, and seem like they've been married 30 years already. Instant-comfort which is cool because I'm shy. (Weird but true)

The rest of Friday night was a mix of aggravation and other unsavory emotions because when I came back from meeting Chris and Liz, which was only like an hour, the people whose make-up I was supposed to be doing had already had it done by someone else.

Funny fact: when a woman who spends her time with gay men sees another woman who spends a lot of time with gay men, she feels competitive for some reason. I will say I wanted to smack fire out of this chick who just had to prove to me she knew more about make-up, had higher heels, more money...was just better.

Funny fact about me: I don't care. If you're better than me, great! I will try to learn from you. But don't hype yourself up just to put color 1 next to color 2, no blending, not even a liquid line and you still have to come to me to put on the lashes! (But, I'm not bitter...)

As for the ball....boooooo!

Every ball in Philly is always cold. I left on the first bus I could which was delayed because someone felt the need to put make-up when they didn't even wash their ass.

I got home Saturday and watched movies on the couch between eating and napping. Lovely.

Sunday, I started to clean a bit in between putting my make-up in the giganto case my friends got me for my birthday and cruising online personals....I got a call from the friend I stayed with. He said the girl loved me! that I seemed like I would be the same person no matter who I was around. I chuckled. I had a heart to heart with another friend and admitted that I haven't been feeling myself lately. He said he could feel the difference in me and hoped I would break out of it.

I think I may be on my way....

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Whoa nelly!

Damn, dating in New York is not supposed to be THIS tough.

So, I'm talking to this dude via e-mail back and forth. My new thing is not to get my hopes up when the guy could be a total asshole. Its like 1am but I'm like, call me.

Firstly...he's 6ft4 275lbs with long dreads down his back. Yum!

He sounds like he's my height.

Turn-off #1.

Ok, you don't have to sound like Isaac Hayes or Barry White...but it would be nice, lol.

We start talking. Dude is working late. Someone ticks him off. He starts yelling at whoever. I get scared because now his tone is like...he's irked.

Turn-off #2.
Keep ya cool.

Then he says he wants a long-term relationship but he wants a girl that's freaky. Girls be afraid to go down on they man. (His words)

I go silent.

He wants a lady in the streets, freak in the sheets.

Silence

Why are you so quiet? Because, usually when people say they want a relationship, they usually don't want to talk about sex in the first 5 minutes of conversation.

Nah, yo, I do want a relationship but my girl gotta go down on me.

Usually, most women will do whatever is done to them. You go down on girls?

No. Never been down on a woman.

What!?! You're 34 right?

Yup. I'm 34 years old and never been down on a woman.

Wow. That might be your problem. You would have more luck if you tried it.

Listen. This is how I am and no bitch can change me. I don't do that shit...(Other crap he said)

Ummm...I'm gonna go. Its late. I need to try and sleep.

Yo, you not gonna call me. You just wanna get off the phone.

(I could feel a tingle in my shoulders)

Yea, you're right. *click*

Are you effing kidding me?! He's cute but NOT cute enough for me to be in a relationship where no one's kissing the cat. That one-sided bullshit is closed-minded at best and sooo annoying.

Yea, that's why you're single buddy, good luck with that!

Smh
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Silence Speaks to Whispered Thoughts

I have mourned loves
Have covered my mirrors in waiting
For what is next
I have sat still
Patiently
Til restless nights creep up and whisper into window panes
Hunger pangs
This sadness
Speaks hollow words
Under orange moons of wanting
Never having

Enough


I say to weeping willow trees
Who cling on to my eyelashes
I am the ebony oasis in your midnight desert
Follow me.

I am tired of waiting for you
Hopeless love
I am tired of wanting you

Requite me to thine heart
I ask another again

And I am sick of the silence that burns deep within me
Within you

There will never be another us.

I seek another love.

Possibility holds my hand as I pursue
Another version of you
Convince them I am a better version of me
Another somebody they will eventually tire of trying to figure
This shit out

I would send you forget-me-nots but I forgot the address to
Wasted time
Lost potential for relationships I cried not for
For that would mean
Wasted tears

I've died a thousand deaths only to discover that before I die
I shall let go
Of that notion of you
That version of me I wanted you to see
Wanted you to love
Wanted you to call your own and make a home inside of me

One day. I will forget you.

Yet, I see your face in my memory as clear as the sun before me
I pray to the god of expectation
To renew my hope
My belief in the fit of two hearts together

I've broken a thousand hearts to discover before my hearts breaks again that it will never mend

The same.

I am the perpetrator of perfectionism
The mistress to deception

I've believed a thousand lies to know the ventriloquist is the first to believe his own illusion

I've had my heart broken a thousand times to know what it means to be split in two.

And I scold myself for reaching for you
Amongst empty promises and words cast about like forgotten toys
My heart still sings you lullabies at night.

One day. I will remember to forget you.

I am the black owl hooting in the night
I am the kingless queen
Everwaiting
Everwanting
Everknowing

One day it will be alright.
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The Fire Next Time

I will surely be consumed
By
This passion that burns within

While
My days filled with solitude in crowded rooms fill my present
I look to future
Kisses
Caresses

Shoulders are for leaning
Arms are for holding
Tongues exploring

Let me taste you brother of the night
Let me ride
Shotgun

Its been too long
Come let me hold you

Innocent and sweet
Sticky and wet
Naughty with streaks of nice

Young, eager and willing.

Lust burns bright
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Internet Dating + Being a Big Girl

I am a "big girl." Mostly, I don't mind. I used to when I was a child and people picked on me incessantly. That is, until my tongue became super sharp and my fists real quick.

I'm sitting in the hair salon and this chick is like a size 26 and she's defending herself HARD.
"I walk everywhere I go," she says as she's eating a bag of chips, "I'm active. I don't stay one place for long."

"Why are you big?"

"I think I have a thyroid problem"

I WISH someone would ask me that shit. BITCH, why are you black?

I've played soccer, rugby, and run track. I've never been smaller than a 14. At a size 18 now, I long for those size 14 days...I know unless something drastic happens, they are gone forever. My sister is 55 years old and has maintained a size 4 her entire adult life. Some people are just meant to be big, small, blonde, black, or whatever.

I really wanted to tell her to stfu.
Own your shit. Dress to accentuate your body.

And stop eating chips and cookies while talking about your weight. Its counterproductive. Lol

Anywhosies...I'm on mingle2.com and the men on there. Yo! I wish I could post some of the pictures. I think I'm the problem. I'm hella picky and I actually want a man that uses proper punctuations and can spell. Not spelling bee words but words you may use in regular conversation and I'm sorry using "dat" instead of "that" at age 29 is inexcusable. It speaks to your character. Man up!

I looked at the pics of me n Aussie on my FB. I couldn't bring myself to delete them or change my status. I looked at the pics of Afroman and I. Didn't want to take those off either. I looked at his profile. He has a pic of him and the gf. I almost cried instantly. Just when I thought I was over it. I miss my friend. FB is the devil in a blue dress.

Hmmm. Any male bloggers out there secretly in love with me ala Chris, lol......

What else...
Thanks for the love and concern. I think I'm fine. I'm not suicidal. I'm just trying not to fall into a destructive pattern like I almost did last night...trying to fuck the pain away. Even though that does sound good right about now....

*sigh*

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ScrabblePower

So.....

Liz and I played Scrabble...it was best of 3 and she beat me...

It was pretty challenging as Liz is very smart...lol

We thought to start a Blogger Scrabble tournament. We can have 2 - 4 players at a time. Depending on the number of people we could have 2 groups of 2/3 people play...whoever wins from each group.

What do you think?

How about anyone who wants to play, leave me a comment or email me at dalipstickbandit.com

so.....

i'm taking my time reading through the comments on the last post.

give me a minute to let it sink in...


anywhosies!

Jae and Mr. Socialight! Change your damn backgrounds...

thanks,

The Management

Eating Ice Cream with a Fork...

I am so not focused right now.

I feel like a fish out of water in so many ways. – just flapping around willy nilly…no direction. No focus. Just here.

I’ve felt off-kilter emotionally since the end of last year. I can’t put my finger on it, but something isn’t right.

I was using the dog to fill a void in my life. The void left by not even Aussie or Dame, but possibly by Afroman or by Elphin…(Elphin was my h.s. boyfriend..lol)
Or maybe by daddy dying or mom’s verbal abuse…or whatever….

I’m lonely. And it shows….to me. Maybe to you guys too.

I’m sad and I’m trying to hide it from everyone who cares about me. I’ve been sad for a while. Since, before the new year. Seems like since birth.

Because, every time I admit it to someone they look at me like they want to fix me. Fix it. Or for me to just go back pretending everything is ok. Everything is ok. I think.

Half the time, my head is in a fog. My wits are not about me. The other half of the time, I’m forcing myself to feel something other than sadness, other than…despair. Other than the lingering feeling that everything I want is not like the lightbulb in my dining room. I can never change the shit on my own *Damn being 5ft tall!* I don’t have any chairs that will bring me closer to it. I don’t own a ladder. I can’t stand on my dining room table because it’s glass and I don’t want to break it. So, everytime it needs to be changed, I call someone tall over to do it for me.

Everything I want is just like that. Dangling over my head but not within my reach.

What happened to me? I want that old me back!

A Big WOOOOOOOOOOSAHHHHHHHHHH

Ok, the day started off well.

Quick Weekend-Wrapup.

I met with Monie for breakfast. Monie's adorable and oh so nice!! I love you, girl!

I picked up the puppy on Saturday. While I'm getting ready for my bday dinner, Saturday night, I get a text from Carolyn - the puppy seller.

"My son has been crying hysterically. He wants the puppy back. I
don't know what to say to him."

I say:

"I would say that you gave him away because you couldn't
devote the time to him. He has a good home with lots of love and attention."

She said:

"Ok, I'll give it a few days. Thank you."

Monie said, I'm a mommy now. He woke me up at 6:30. I walked him. Had a job interview. It went well, despite me wearing no make-up and trying to stifle yawns and chills at the same time.

I'm feeling good about myself because it's the first time in a while I'm wearing dress clothes to work.

I get an e-mail from Carolyn (yes, this is her real name...)

I have a bit of dilemma right now. My son has not stopped crying and has
taken it a bit further. He was even able to go to school today making himself
sick. I wanted to see how he does for a couple of days but it appears he's
getting sick over Sam being away. I'm afraid I'm going to have to get Sam back
until further notice. I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience caused but I
just cant bear to have my son sick over this. We have discussed placing Sam for
a long time and decided it was the best thing for him but I guess children feel
it even more. I will returned your money obviously and you may keep the carrier
for the dog you will soon find. I am happy to forward to you the network where I
purchased Sam from. A breeders network in Pennsylvania and they do not charge
too much. I paid a total of $350 including delivery for Sam and he came with all
shots and wormers.
Again I'm so sorry for any inconvenience caused, I feel
like I've wasted everyone's time here, I understand if you're mad to point of
wanted to say a few words to me but once you're a parent you can understand how
heartbreaking it is when you take something from a child that they love so
much.
Pls advise your thoughts and comments on this and let me know when I
can get Sam.
Here's the website for finding the puppy and also they have
smaller breeds and there's no screening so everyone is qualified:
http://www.puppies234.com/

What can I say to that? I agreed to give her the dog back.
Right after that,

I check my balance...I'm in the negative $239. What??? I have 2 accounts, one
for bills, one for play. This is the bills account..What??? I just deposited
$500 in on Friday. And I transfered $100 in there today to save. I call.

"Oh,
the money you deposited was put in like a check, so it will take 7 - 10 business
days to clear. "

"Well, it was put in wrong. It should've been put in as
cash. I gave them cash."

"Oh, let me call the branch to verify."

I'm puton hold for 5 minutes. Someone else picks up. I'm PISSED. Why? Because I have to pay my phone bill!!!! Which is the point of having an account strictly for bills... Arrgh...

Fucking annoyed.

Patience, Kiwasabi

I've never liked Christmas, or birthdays, or Valentine's Day...because I hate waiting for people to give me shit. Anticipation is never fun. More like, anxiety.

I can't pick up my puppy til Saturday. I could've picked him up yesterday or today, but seeing as I needed an extra $150 and my bank account was being oh so stingy...the answer was no.

I just can't wait! His name is still up in the air. My friends say I attend the Erykah Badu School of Naming Things.

I want to name him Carter, Rugby, or MAC.

Circling around Rugby. It is my favorite sport, after all.

Any suggestions????

Anticipaaaaaation....stop making me wait!
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Hahahahaa

I took this picture yesterday....I really like it!


Don't worry, if you're on my Facebook, myspace, or you visit my other blog, it'll be everywhere, but since I'm pseudo-anon here, I'll take it off sometime soon...

{picture removed}

23 Candles

There was no cake, only stuffed French toast at IHOP eaten across from my mother who advised me my boobs are way bigger than hers(that happens with age, child) and that I still look 16 years old. Both of which, trouble her equally.

There were no balloons or anything but blog posts, lots of comments and text messages...love from Blog Family. I appreciate it. I need all the love I can get.

There were tears.
Sadness for not having my (biological) mother or father. It never gets easier. Tears for not feeling like I am a priority in anyone's life. That was a big one. For a moment, I felt completely alone and insignificant.

A "friend" I thought I was close to didn't call me at all. Another (with whom I work) didn't text me until 3, feigning ignorance - she didn't know I took the day off. 4 hours into the workday, mind you.

There were tears of joy. Of Young Woman and Liz. Of remembering I'm alive and blessed. Tears of triumph. When I was 16, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't see past 17. Tears of strength for breaking that promise and even in the midst of the crying so hard, my throat hurts, I'm still glad I'm here.
I learned to not expect anything from anyone ever and to realize when you say you don't but you really do. I learned that you should never give anything or anyone power over your own happiness. I learned that the true danger in pouring so much of yourself into someone else, is the feeling of hurt when they disappoint you. But also the danger of not doing so, is they might not. Put time and energy into people with the hope your investment will return true friendship. But, in the event it does not, address it and move on.

I feel lucky. After months of searching, I found a dog in my price range. I pick him up on Saturday. He's a cockapoo. So so cute! I am ecstatic!

I feel blessed. Because even though my maternal grandmother didn't find time to call me, I have you guys.

Just now, I realized I don't need another birthday wish. I don't need a card (I will take the cash since now, I have another mouth to feed..lol). I do need to feel supported and loved. I have that in abundance, and so yes, in the end, it was a happy birthday.

Thank you!
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Happy Birthday to Me

And Chris (http://blazedthought4u.blogspot.com/) and Ms. Halimah (www.suigenerisboutique.com), Rosa Parks, and Ms. Delfina Warrick - my 8th grade science teacher and Mr. Tyrone Logan - my high school AP History teacher.

And all the beautiful Aquarians out there.

Gi text me at 11:53,"countdown to your bday girly...."

And I held my breath like there was going to be some type of impact. A blow of some sort to the gut.

Eh. I never feel prepared for my bday. Yes, technically, it is on the same day every year, but I always feel like it caught me off guard.

I'm officially 23 years old. I have my health, a job, my own apartment. I'm comfortable.

Today, I'm going to remember to breathe a bit. I'm going to enjoy a random day off of work and not look forward to tomorrow. I'm going to BE in the day.

And hope someone gives me some money! (hehe)
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Natural Blues

That is my absolute most favorite song of Moby's.

I can't sleep.

I don't have WORRIES but I have a few things on the brain. Plus, I'm chalking it up to hormonal changes, since Mother Nature has now confirmed that, no I am not knocked up.

Woo hoo!

Imagine, after all the conflama, I'm carrying Aussie's spawn.

Shudder to think. Lol.

Well, what's going on with me?

In 2 days, I will be 23. Shoot! I almost said 24, lol. I've always wanted to be older and I keep racing the clock. I still get carded to buy lottery tickets and don't even let me try to indulge in a spirit or 2...

I'm hopeful. I'm excited. I'm content.

I have a plan for myself. I've been sticking to it (more than I have before) and while I only have $80 is the bank and $20 in my pocket...my refrigerator is stocked and my lights/gas/phone are still on and the rent is paid.

I'm blessed.

Things usually fall apart around this time. Year before last, I got robbed 2 days before my bday. My then boyfriend didn't get me anything because he didn't have a job and he thought the place where I had my bday dinner was "uppity." Him and his brother mocked it the whole time they were there and I ended up having to pay $175 because people didn't have enough money to cover what they drank/ate. Yup, 21st Bday sucked ass... Last year, I was happy it was my bday because I was so broke I was hoping someone would buy my meal. The day before, I found out my ex-bishop killed someone and was in jail for murder in the 1st. The day after my bday, me and BFF stole my mom's car and it overheated in the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge (!!!) making Homeland Security stop traffic to help us. Fun times...(Only half-sarcasm there)

Now, I'm thinking of all the friends I've lost and gained...

That's a post for another day, I think. Its 2am. I have to get up at 8 and I'm nowhere near sleepy....

This should make for an interesting day tomorrow.
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