Wednesday, February 4, 2009

23 Candles

There was no cake, only stuffed French toast at IHOP eaten across from my mother who advised me my boobs are way bigger than hers(that happens with age, child) and that I still look 16 years old. Both of which, trouble her equally.

There were no balloons or anything but blog posts, lots of comments and text from Blog Family. I appreciate it. I need all the love I can get.

There were tears.
Sadness for not having my (biological) mother or father. It never gets easier. Tears for not feeling like I am a priority in anyone's life. That was a big one. For a moment, I felt completely alone and insignificant.

A "friend" I thought I was close to didn't call me at all. Another (with whom I work) didn't text me until 3, feigning ignorance - she didn't know I took the day off. 4 hours into the workday, mind you.

There were tears of joy. Of Young Woman and Liz. Of remembering I'm alive and blessed. Tears of triumph. When I was 16, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't see past 17. Tears of strength for breaking that promise and even in the midst of the crying so hard, my throat hurts, I'm still glad I'm here.
I learned to not expect anything from anyone ever and to realize when you say you don't but you really do. I learned that you should never give anything or anyone power over your own happiness. I learned that the true danger in pouring so much of yourself into someone else, is the feeling of hurt when they disappoint you. But also the danger of not doing so, is they might not. Put time and energy into people with the hope your investment will return true friendship. But, in the event it does not, address it and move on.

I feel lucky. After months of searching, I found a dog in my price range. I pick him up on Saturday. He's a cockapoo. So so cute! I am ecstatic!

I feel blessed. Because even though my maternal grandmother didn't find time to call me, I have you guys.

Just now, I realized I don't need another birthday wish. I don't need a card (I will take the cash since now, I have another mouth to I do need to feel supported and loved. I have that in abundance, and so yes, in the end, it was a happy birthday.

Thank you!
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile


Solomon said...

What a nice post!

Liz said...

amen sista!
your gift will be on the way shortly... i am somewhat of a slacker! LOL!
what is the sex of the dog? and have you thought of a name yet?

Young woman on a journey said...

you are so awesome! i need you to email me your address. i want to send you something special! Birthdays start to get like that. after 21, it just seems (at least for me) that it gets more and more introspective. each bday. but it just shows growth. you have so much ahead of you!

Mr.Socialight said...

Happy Birthday! It's always good to see another year. Another year that reminds you of the growth before you and behind you. Where you are now, as opposed to where you were...and the comprehension of the fact that you have another year to claim as progression. I wish you many more to come. At tender age of 23, you have so much more to share with the world. Make it happen.

peace and blessings.

JaeSpenc said...

Happy BIRRRRRRTHDAY!!! :) They can be lonely sometimes... and sometimes they can make you think more of what you THOUGHT you'd be by now, that what you actually are blessed to be.

Glad you've realized that being someone's priority doesn't matter as long as you're your OWN priority :)

Chris said...

I know I'm late, but hopefully you still see this...

I never really have good birthdays, well, not until this year. My parents and my grandma would remember...but none of my so called friends never did. I'd be looking for them to call, or say something...and they wouldn't. You are not me. You are a charming young lady, and I wish you the best!

miss halimah. said...

i used to have a cockapoo! they're cute and have interesting personalities and quirks. enjoy him!