I am so not focused right now.
I feel like a fish out of water in so many ways. – just flapping around willy nilly…no direction. No focus. Just here.
I’ve felt off-kilter emotionally since the end of last year. I can’t put my finger on it, but something isn’t right.
I was using the dog to fill a void in my life. The void left by not even Aussie or Dame, but possibly by Afroman or by Elphin…(Elphin was my h.s. boyfriend..lol)
Or maybe by daddy dying or mom’s verbal abuse…or whatever….
I’m lonely. And it shows….to me. Maybe to you guys too.
I’m sad and I’m trying to hide it from everyone who cares about me. I’ve been sad for a while. Since, before the new year. Seems like since birth.
Because, every time I admit it to someone they look at me like they want to fix me. Fix it. Or for me to just go back pretending everything is ok. Everything is ok. I think.
Half the time, my head is in a fog. My wits are not about me. The other half of the time, I’m forcing myself to feel something other than sadness, other than…despair. Other than the lingering feeling that everything I want is not like the lightbulb in my dining room. I can never change the shit on my own *Damn being 5ft tall!* I don’t have any chairs that will bring me closer to it. I don’t own a ladder. I can’t stand on my dining room table because it’s glass and I don’t want to break it. So, everytime it needs to be changed, I call someone tall over to do it for me.
Everything I want is just like that. Dangling over my head but not within my reach.
What happened to me? I want that old me back!