Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Eating Ice Cream with a Fork...

I am so not focused right now.

I feel like a fish out of water in so many ways. – just flapping around willy nilly…no direction. No focus. Just here.

I’ve felt off-kilter emotionally since the end of last year. I can’t put my finger on it, but something isn’t right.

I was using the dog to fill a void in my life. The void left by not even Aussie or Dame, but possibly by Afroman or by Elphin…(Elphin was my h.s. boyfriend..lol)
Or maybe by daddy dying or mom’s verbal abuse…or whatever….

I’m lonely. And it shows….to me. Maybe to you guys too.

I’m sad and I’m trying to hide it from everyone who cares about me. I’ve been sad for a while. Since, before the new year. Seems like since birth.

Because, every time I admit it to someone they look at me like they want to fix me. Fix it. Or for me to just go back pretending everything is ok. Everything is ok. I think.

Half the time, my head is in a fog. My wits are not about me. The other half of the time, I’m forcing myself to feel something other than sadness, other than…despair. Other than the lingering feeling that everything I want is not like the lightbulb in my dining room. I can never change the shit on my own *Damn being 5ft tall!* I don’t have any chairs that will bring me closer to it. I don’t own a ladder. I can’t stand on my dining room table because it’s glass and I don’t want to break it. So, everytime it needs to be changed, I call someone tall over to do it for me.

Everything I want is just like that. Dangling over my head but not within my reach.

What happened to me? I want that old me back!


Chris said...

What I can tell you is this...you are not alone. I still feel like that sometimes...sometimes you just feel like you can't do anything on your own...you just have to believe that you can, even if you don't see a way to do it at the moment...

JaeSpenc said...

As the last person said, you're not alone. Seek out things to fill your time. I'm not sure where the void lies but you'll figure it out :)

This is a good place to get unbiased advice and to bounce how you're TRULY feelings off of strangers. They are the most honest.

Good luck honey and I hope you feel better :)

Young woman on a journey said...

awww. love. you know i'm here to talk if you need. as everyone else said, you are definitely not alone. and no one here looks down on you for feeling this way. feel how you need to feel! but i guarantee you are not alone and that there are some people who really care about you!

Solomon said...

I have learned that feeling alone is a state of mind.

The devil would have you believe that you are alone and that nobody cares about you, but God is always there. You just need to ask him to be there for you, once you have God in your life everything else will fall into place.

Liz said...

there are definitely people who care about you and want the best for you! still praying for you sweetie. you'll make it!

EDE said...

I agree with Solomon. Develop a prayer life and find a church you are comfortable in and that is teaching you the Word of God. Once you start to accept, acknowledge, and learn about Him your void will go away. I was there when my parents died. My mom was the last one to die and at the same time I found out other devastating news. It took a while for me to snap out of it and it didn't happen until I did what I'm advising to you. I've read your blog and never commented until now. You're an intelligent young lady and it comes across in your writing. You'll get out of the slump and you will be better than fine when you do.

MISS BEE said...

I have to agree w all the comments above. Everyone @ one point or another has felt alone. But everyone has to find a way to fill their void. Find more things that make you happy & make you feel good. But ALWAYS remember praying to GOD when in need or doubt about anything always helps.