I'm Not Saying I'm A Gold Digger...

Last night I had a pretty decent conversation with that guy I met 3 weeks ago (the one whom I called his cell phone and it showed my first and last name *shudders*)

No one thinks that's creepy but me.

*shrugs*

He said he'd like to see me again. I suggested we go to a coffee shop.

He said:
Where is there a coffee shop?

I said:
Um, have you never heard of Starbucks?

He said:
Wow, "meeting at a coffee shop" sounds like something out of Friends.

Me:
*blank stare at the phone*

So, we agreed. Starbucks. Downtown. After 7. I text him today at around 5:30 after not hearing from him all day asking if we were still down.

He goes:
i want to still but im fake broke

I said:
Fake broke? Never heard that before. I mean we're only going to be at a coffee shop...but ok, maybe some other time

He said:
yea i no but its da middle of da wk n i jus spent da last dub but still wud like to c u

I didn't respond. My intern, Namesake thought that was messed up of me. I told her there was nothing more to say. If you can't meet me at a coffee shop where I'm not looking for you to drop any type of dollars on me or even have the class to ask to do it on another day or suggest a cheaper (if there such a thing) alternative...we have nothing more to discuss. I'm not volunteering to pay for a grown man nor am I offering my apartment for a first date. So, see ya! She just laughed and shook her head. (The youth! Lol)

But really....Am I wrong?
(Can someone tell me what fake broke means??)
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On to the Next: Addendum

(Read the post below first)

The moral of the story is:

Why should I go out of my way anymore for dudes? Men are everywhere. Why was I fighting so hard for Carter or Afroman? Why? Why were my standards so low? Not so say that if anyone does something I don't like, I bail right away but I'm not taking any shit from people, man. I'm not falling for game. I'm using my brain now. I'm not afraid to take my time and think about my next step. Thinking is sexy. Being me is sexy. Some dude laughed because I said I like going to museums. Fuck you. Museums are sexy.

Get with it or get rolled over. Even if nobody hollers at me in the street ever again. There will be another man eventually who will like me. If I don't put out and he walks away. Ok. That's fine. Fuck desperation or pandering for people to accept/like you. Let it happen. Walk with your head high. Smile a lil bit. Walk with purpose. Take pride in your appearance. There's always another man around the corner. Everyone can kiss your ass. You're flyy.
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On to the Next

I'm kinda glad things happened the way they did with Carter in all honesty. I mean, a woman should have some hefty standards...no?

One of them should be..."No multi-tasking while have sext"

Today, I spoke to the dude I saw from FB...on the phone. It was so weird. First, he tells me he's going to call. He doesn't. Then, he tells me he thought I was going to call. Then he tells me he did call and some guy picked up the phone (a lie and a test I think) then he calls me. He tried to sell me some dream of spending $1000 for him to film me doing makeup or a commercial or something and having him edit it or whatever as a marketing ploy. Then when I decline, he asks me if I'm dating anyone. I told him no but then quickly got off the phone. It was all so weird. He said he feels like he scared me off and I'm not going to call again. I said I just have to go...

It didn't sit well with me. Like...he kept saying I'm pretty which is nice, I guess. But that doesn't get you that far with me. I don't like when people try and flatter you to get you to do stuff. That's not how I operate.

After we got off the phone he texts me saying:

Nice talking to you pretty

I text him saying:
It was nice talking to you too. I must say the way I operate its either business or pleasure. I don't date people I do biz with. The choice is yours

He said:
Help me choose.

I didn't say anything. He text me back...Maybe we'll just keep talking.

Eh. I'm over it already!!

I went to church today to discuss how to fight fairly...not drawing blood in arguments. I talked about the situation with BFF. Mostly everyone said what some of you said that possibly its time to end the friendship. I don't know if I agree. I'm not chasing anyone. I'm tired. I hate to end friendships because my friends are my family. But, we'll see.

We were supposed to meet up on Sunday but I was literally in church all day. I called her by accident while I was in church. I text her telling her such.

She texts me back on Monday saying...she had debilitating gas and didn't move all Sunday evening. She's studying for a big test on Thursday so her evenings are tied up until then. Weekends work fo her.

At this point, I'm just like:

*crickets*
*blank stare*

At church tonight, I was letting out my frustration at the whole thing like...

Whatever. People find time to do whatever they want. I'm so over it.
While I was at church, O'Neil said he wanted to see me. He would need to wait til after his son is asleep so that he can have someone watch him. He said he wanted to come by my house to kiss on my cheeks. He says I have the best cheeks he's ever seen...they're all soft and smooth and chunky.

As badly as I wanted to give in. I want a little cuddle time. I declined. I'm not inviting anyone over to my house at least for the first 3 months of any relationship. Once you have house-dates, you never go anywhere but stay in the house which leads to TROUBLE.

I offered to meet him at Starbucks downtown Brooklyn. I could be there at 9:15. When he told me he wouldn't be able to leave his house until after 10pm, I suggested we meet some other day.

Am I being too old-fashioned or is that too late to be seeing someone to give them a kiss on the cheek? Men are like vampires. Once you invite them in, they feel free to do whatever they want.

After church, I walked to Checkers and speed-walked back. The Checkers is in a not so good neighborhood but I was craving fries. This dude was walking his dog and said something like..."Damn, I could definitely rock with you."

I stopped and exchanged numbers. They call him T-Rex (no really, no moniker) because he's a boxer. I always say.."No, what's your real name.." They tell me. Lol. I don't play. He's sexy. He said he had like 12 wins, 2 knock-outs...blah blah blah. I was looking at his arms. I was distracted.

The bus came and I pulled out my fully loaded fries (bacon cheddar ranch) and I couldn't eat more than a few bites. It was too much. I guess this gym thing is changing me.

More to tell! (I know...all this in one day) but my phone is dying and I have to get up early for ze gym. Night guys. Sorry this was so long!
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Wacktastic

I've been off of my A-game lately. Just feelng "off." I really need a vacation or something. I just want to run away.

Anywhosies...Carter and I were twittering back and forth randomly last night and it became sexual. I was going to let it go with the flow as we took our conversation from twitter to gchat and then text. His responses were not doing it for me. I guess it's me being a writer...if your words don't intrigue me or take me there, why bother? Then his responses were hella delayed.
Finally, I was like, what are you doing?

He said he was taking a practice test for his accounting class.

*record scratch*

I was so annoyed. To further the annoyance, he goes to Twitter and says

"Sexting is fun....spillin while I'm sippin, I encourage you to try it!"

WTF? Why are you on Twitter talking that shit? Furthermore, how you have time to tweet about sexting but you don't have time to effin sext properly.

So then, we went back and forth about the tweet...until I was like...whatever I'm going to bed. That was so wack what you did. He kept saying he was trying to have a little fun...amusing himself while he was studying. I kinda went in a little bit. I admit. I may have overreacted. I was pissed.

He said, "I'll call you."

I said, "Please don't."

All he could say was damn.

I said, "I'm not trying to be mean/harsh/cruel...but really, what is there to say? I thought you knew me better "

He said, "Don't be so critical. I was just trying to have a little fun."

I said, "Like you said, you don't want to talk. Like they say, no cuffin on Twitter. Like I said, good night"

It's like...Nina, what's wrong with you? You said you weren't going to eff with him anymore and then you went back and once again, you reminded yourself why.

I've said it before...I'll say it again..I can't stand a man who talks too effin much!
Right now, I'm so frustrated with these men...I'm like Jesus Lord! Send me someone who is not so wack (word of the day). This guy is too busy. This guy talks too much. This guy is too whiny. When will I find someone who is just right???

Oy!

Blonde Ambition + Party All the Time + Like Taking A Bullet

I decided on a whim to cut off all my hair and dye it Honey Blonde just as the temperature was rising. I look and feel good about it.

It's way different from the way I perceive myself. In my head...I'm dark and brooding so this bright blonde is a stretch for me.

Anywhosies...
I was at a party last night doing 10 minute makeovers. Afterwards, I was dancing and meeting men. It was crazy because I know I look good and these guys were falling over these skinny girls that aren't as pretty as I am. Not to be conceited or anything...just stating fact.

It usually doesn't bother me. It did last night. Like...dudes were staring at me like they wanted to say something...they just didn't. Just annoying.

BG's words floated in my head...work work work. More and more, I'm like...I need to get money. Archer is having his album release party next Friday. I have to go and support him. After that, I'm done with parties. If things work out with O'Neil, I'll go out with him. If not, home is where the grind is...I'm sick of being broke and alone.

I'm on my way to do a makeup party at a department store in Midtown. I get on the train and sit directly across from Afroman's brother. I look a lot different from the last time he saw me. The last time he saw me, I had a black bob. He said he was doing well. Everyone was fine. He lives not too far from me.

Then he said:

AM is having a baby. Did you know?

It was like taking a bullet to the gut. I'd allowed myself to forget. I probably made a face or something. I was cordial.

I said:

Tell him I said, Congrats the next time you speak to him.

It was awkward after that. We both didn't know what to say. We just went back on to listening to our music.

I thought I was over it. Anyways, I'm letting it all go. I've moved on. He has his family. I have my business. We'll both live happily ever after separately.

The end.
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Newness

I sat at the coffee shop nervous as can be about who I was going to be. He walked in and smiled. I took a deep breath. He was cuter in person.

We walked around and found a nice little spot to eat at. I ordered steak. He ordered all you can eat mussels. He stared at me from across the table. He disarmed me as we talked about nothing.

He intrigues me. He so warm and sweet and let's face it...I need that in my life. He drove me home and I was just staring at him. He's not the cutest but I like him. I threw my stuff down and got a haircut. As I was sitting in my chair, I was like...oh man...I like someone...wow.

Earlier in the day, I met up with a guy from my church I have a tiny crush on. I probably gave him a moniker in the past. I don't remember it, so I'll call him BG. He's my age but is doing amazing things. He owns his own real estate company and is just...so inspiring. I like him because he's really into Jesus, too. He's on a fast where he's just drinking water and eating nuts and berries. Crazy stuff.

Anyways, we had a really good conversation. I love talking to the alpha males/male entrepreneurs I know. They give me awesome advice that is really like...leave boys alone and work work work.

They reason that women will always be there.

Tonight, I talked to a guy who is also an entrepreneur and where was he? At the club showing me pictures of his 2-week old baby daughter. It really did not compute for me. I just walked away. Business is business, they say.

I worked with another makeup artist who had 3times as many brushes as I did and like 4times as much makeup. I felt like mold for real. Like...maybe I wasn't ready for this step I've taken. There's really no room for doubt in this life I've chosen. All I know is that there are some things I need to get me, you know.

Perspective.
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Face the Gun

It has been a little over a week and BFF decided to grace me with this message via text:

For whatever I did, I'm sorry. I'm thinking it must have been something specific that I did that made you so mad. I feel you and I'm sorry if I'm not as attentive as I should be. You know I don't mean to be selfish or anything like that, you know my intentions.

I haven't said anything back yet and frankly, I'm not sure what to and what I will say.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being everyone's pillar. The one everyone leans on and then when I need to lean, no one is there and I fall.

I feel like I'm going through a bit of Peter Pan syndrome where I've worked hella hard and now, I want to play and relax but the opportunity is not really there.

I don't have the tolerance for needy people right now...

I'm exhausted.

So.....I don't really know what's next.
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Marbles

The guy I was talking about in the last post...I'll call him O'Neil.

He's ummm...interesting. We talked for a while on Saturday for a while. He's very nice and he compliments me a lot but...he talks about sex a lot. I think that's his agenda. He's very self-depricating. To the point where I was like..."If you tell someone you suck enough...eventually, they'll believe you." Also, he was he was curious about my body type. I said he could easily fix that by inviting me out. He was like.."Where?" I said, "Figure it out." He acted dumb. I suggested a museum but I'm kind of turned off.

I met a guy who looked so familiar to me at this event I go to on Friday nights. His name is Tommy. He has like 15 jobs. Lol. He's an entrepreneur who has 3 businesses, a graphic design firm, a travel agency and something else. He also goes to school and he promotes parties. He has a lot of energy. Very alpha male but I like him. He's aggressive and charming. I made a mental note to leave dudes like that alone.

Also, Theo called me tonight. We spoke on the phone for 2 1/2 hours. It was the longest time of my life. It was spent trying to figure out wtf he was talking about. The end of our conversation was better but...gahhhhhh. I really want to like him.

All these dudes I've been talking to are all too something or not enough the other. Who will be just right?
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Enter Stage Left

I met him about 3 weeks ago on this dating site. Okay, don't laugh...

Bbpeoplemeet. Where the big and beautiful meet.

Gahhhhhhhh!

Lol.
I decided to check it out because I figured guys would know what they were getting and I wouldn't have to hear the usual BS about how that guy thinks I'm cute for a big girl or that line they always use "I like big girls" - ugh, thanks for validating my existence.

So, yea...he sent me a message and out of the scores (yes, scores) of weirdos, guys blatantly looking for a hook-up and guys who were hella far (umm, why are you sending me a message if you're in Alabama?)....he was sweet, seemingly sincere and smart. He met each witty message I sent with one of his own until he asked for a way to contact me without having to log into that stupid site and I gave him my phone number.

He's 25. Has 1 son who is 17 months old. He and the mother of his child haven't been together for over a year citing they weren't really compatible but decided to keep things amicable for their child. He's a college grad whose recently lost his job and he's trying to find something in his field: computer engineering.

He called me some time Wednesday afternoon and I called him back last night. And...I like him. He has a sarcastic sense of humor. He called my section of Brooklyn ghetto and I challenged him on that because his section is not that much better. We spoke for an hour and a half.

He kept asking.."Why are you single?" in a way that there must be something wrong with me because I'm single. I explained to him that I've been dating my work lately.

We'll see how things go. For now, I'm not looking for anything life-changing...just good conversation and a few good dates.
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Head to Toe or Toe to Head

I'm on the train writing this. I'll be on this train for about 2 hours each way to do Twin a big favor. While I'm on the train, this kid is well taken care of...he has a new Sean John leather coat, nice shirt, iPod, jeans, well-worn boots. This kid whose parents may not be so well off has on old sneakers, okay jeans, ugly bookbag. The 2nd kid keeps hitting the first kid. First kid goes "Yo, I'm 'bout to flame you. Where you want me to start head to toe or toe to head?" I kinda liked that statement and may use it...even though I don't condone that ish.

So.......
I went to the doctor this morning after getting roughly 3 1/2 hours of sleep. I took a cab to the clinic because I knew it was going to be a doozy.

Put my name on the list, I'm number 7. It is 9:30.

At 12:30, my name still hadn't been called. I go to the receptionist. She claimed they called my name at 10:30 O_O
I hadn't moved. My name wasn't called.

Fine. I go to the first lady. She asks why I'm there. I tell her my symptoms. She's looks at me dumb-founded. She's like oh, btw I called your name at 10:30. I look at her as if I could kill her right then and there. She moves on. I've never been there before. She gives me a paper to go register. I go register. The registration lady tells me I have to see a financial officer to tell me how much my care will cost. There's a line. I wait. The 2 people in front of me are called in and I wait. After 20 more minutes, one of the ladies asks if I put my name down to be called. I say, its my first time there. No one told me to do that and I saw a line. Thought people would see me and call me in.

Yo, the communication at this clinic is a little too ridiculous!

Fine. Go back up. Put my name back on the list. Wait. My height and weight are taken. I'm 5"2 1/2. I thought I was 5"1. I need to lose weight. The doctor calls me shortly after. I hate male gynos. He's an old African man which makes it easier because after years of seeing vajajays, he seems less than enthusiastic about seeing mine.

He does the pap smear. I must say the lil speculum thing really hurt. Nothing's gone up there in a while. I was thinking about how hellish the first time I have sex will be. Ouch. Anyways...

He swabs. Blah blah blah. He says he's going to put me on birth control, take a pregnancy test, urine cultures.

I tell him I'm not going on the pill. I can't swallow pills. He's like...oh swallowing pills is easy. Blah blah blah. I'm out of patience and I don't need to hear no lectures on taking pills. Heard them my whole life. I say, "Look. I'm not going on birth control." He stops talking. I pee in my cup. Get written a prescription, am prescribed a cream and pills (they don't come in a liquid form) antibiotics and go get it filled.

In 2 weeks, we'll see what the problem is...

Why do you have to go to the basement to get your prescription filled, go to the first floor, pay for it and then go back down to the bsmt to pick it up? Everything about this experience pissed me off.

At least it was $32 total. $20 for the exam and $12 for the prescription.

At the end of the day, I guess you get what you pay for.
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Army of One

I've been looking for free Women's Health Services clinics in NYC. NYU has one but I have to qualify and they only take apps on Saturdays between 9 - 12. Even if I apply, I may not be considered "in-need of free treatment" and be charged some unknown fee for treatment. I was feeling so vulnerable and the process of finding healthcare was so daunting - a huge runaround. I looked up my symptoms again because I don't have burning during urination. Looks like I may have fibroids. I called Planned Parenthood and the lady was so brusque and rude with me and she told me it would be considered an annual check-up which is $165. I hung up on her and starting crying until my eyes burned. It is the worst feeling to not know what's going on with your body and not have accessible funds to just go and get it fixed.

Every time I think about it, I start tearing up.

I felt weak and helpless but I have work to do, so I poured myself into that. There's always something to do. Went to church to my dating group. The topic was about waiting til marriage to have sex. Hilarious. Getting grown people to talk about sex in church. It kept my mind off of my problems.

I have so many worries that I just don't talk about at all. They were weighing heavily on my mind as I was coming home. I just felt so alone. I'm making it a conscious effort to reach out and talk to someone I care about as soon as I feel that way. Called Twin. He didn't pick up so I resorted to Chinese with Kell on Earth.

I love that show. Kelly Cutrone reminds me to be a strong power girl.

Twin called me back. He offered such gems as "Pay it girl" gay speak for "fuck it" for every problem I had (I didn't tell him abt possible fibroids). He had me lauging so hard, my cheeks are flushed.

Right now, rest is a welcomed friend.

Night ya'll.
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STFU!

BFF called me randomly this morning. The last time I'd spoken to her was when she was canceling her going out with me and Wynsters on Friday night.

Sunday, I tried my hand at calling her to see if she wanted to go to church.

Today.
Me: Hello
BFF: Hey girl...*launches into a long-winded story about cops harassing black kids on campus*
Me: Wow. You know what, BFF, I'm kinda pissed off at you. You always do this. When you're out and about and you need to vent about something, you call me and I always pick up and you know what...I am not your emotional dumping ground. We have this joke that I'm Spock and I don't have feelings but I do. I was so depressed last week to the point I didn't get out of bed for about 3 days and I'm supposed to be able to call you but I didn't. Why? Because I feel like you don't take my emotions seriously.

She was shocked. Speechless.

I told her about how I felt a few weeks ago when that guy came out of my church in a body bag. And how she interrupted with some crap abt FB and was laughing and talking.

She said she was out and about and I said I was going to call her back.

I was like..I specifically said I was freaked out and scared and you disregarded it.

(The problem is...if you call me and I'm wherever..it doesn't matter. If you say you're feeling some type of way, that's it. I take a minute and handle it.)

She had to go. She said she'd call me back. She hasn't. I don't really expect her to and I'm not sure if I have the energy to care right now.

As I was talking to J about it. He was saying how I'm possibly too great of a listener. It happens with him. I will let him go on and on for hours about nothing. He was right. I need to learn how to shut people down. Quickly yet kindly. I remember a sermon where my pastor said that any relationship where one person is always giving and the other is taking is dysfunctional. The only non-dysfunctional relationship I have is with this blog. I'm a horrible communicator. I need to know that it is okay if I say how I feel. I need to make others understand my emotions and allow them to comfort, advise and talk to me. Hooooow does one do that? All I know is...I need to get my voice back.
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What About Your Friends?

Friendship is a gift not bestowed on many..not by me at least. I can literally count on 2 hands, the people I call friends and on 1, out of those people who I would call if I were in any trouble and I knew they would come through.

Gi is not on the 1-hand list. In fact, thinking about our friendship, it makes me think about how long it would take me in a serious relationship to marry someone. Every man that comes into Gi's life is automatically number 1. Instantly. This guy is irking me. Not jus tbecause he's NOT cute or he sells drugs or anything...I feel something else is going wrong.

Gi is my ultimate reminder to take it slow with men.

SO....she offered for me to go to Florida with her for her birthday but bumped me to go with him. I'm not upset she bumped me. I was going to bump myself. Money is increasingly more funny and that's no joke but I asked her if she thought 4 months was too soon to go on a romantic vacay with a guy.

Her response: I'm grown and I wanted to get away.

My response: *blank stare*

I told her that even grown people make mistakes but I wouldn't be a friend I weren't bringing up a valid point.

She went on to say that he's going into an inpatient rehab (supposedly only for weed) to avoild a jail sentence for the drugs he had on him. I think that's funky and if he had crack on him and he used the excuse he was buying it instead of selling it, I do not see NYC or NYS sending him to rehab without crack in his system. She assures me, he doesnt do crack.

Gi is 28. She's not married, no kids, not in her desired career field and she sees every man she dates as the one who will give her what she wants...but she's not seeing that this dude will bring more misery than joy if he doesn't really change.

I feel as though sometimes, my girl friends see me as the lonely sexless fat girl. They've remarked that I give the wrong people the time of day and the ones I should try with, I discard them and then eventually, I discard them all. I often worry about that as well.

I'm trying to use this celiacy to gain wisdom about where I fall short.

More and more, I've found myself becoming a recluse...shutting myself off at will to the world for no apparent reason. I know that this behavior is dangerous. I try to figh it..but, man...!!!

Back on to the topic at hand, I've decided to leave the girl alone and let her do whatever she wants. If she can't see that the past 5 relationships she's had have started and ended the same way...I can't tell her anything!

I'm going to mind my own neck.

and not take advice from her.

what else is going on inside this head of mine?

so so much..it will come out in its own due time.

Sunday

so...there are some interesting things going on in my lady area...


1. Either my kidneys are about to fail me (a real fear, that's how my dad died) or I have a UTI. There's no burning or itching but my bladder feels full, I feel bloated and there's pee in my urine. My urine is yellow but when I wipe..there's blood. I am scared and I don't really have the funds for doctor's bills right now...so, I'm hoping it's a Band-Aid or something for me. I'm going to call around tomorrow and find out. The first day was Thursday...I thought the bleeding was from my period coming early and so I wore a pad all day..and nothing. Then, Friday, I went out and when I got home my underwear was wet. I know this is TMI but I'm kinda freaked out...


Send me prayers...I don't think I can handle anything major major right now.

2. In spite of number 1, yesterday and today, I've looked at porn and got off on it. the weird anime bondage stuff...Today, the sermon was Love is Change. If we love God, we will change our ways and I immediately thought about my past couple of days...Friday, I was shaking my butt at the club so hard, it threatened to fall off, porn on Saturday..but I guess it didn't sink deep enough because I watched porn tonight. Ugh! What is going on with me? Before these 2 days, the last time I watched porn was March or April of 09. Keeps the celibacy thing easier to swallow for me...but geeez... I'm going to stop. NOW

Heart Burn

I left my house in a rush. It felt as though there were invisible forces keeping me in the clutches of my bed.

I walked into the restaurant for lunch, hoping to get some food to quiet my hunger headache and there he was - Blair. He was talking to two men about police brutality from what I could muster from the short of what I heard. I was on the phone with Editor.

He looked me in the face and stared for a moment not speaking. I waved. He nodded. For that instant, I was proud of myself because I felt nothing. The familiar stab in my heart was gone. The longing and yearning for him had disappeared.

I thanked God. Who wants to wish for something that will never happen?

I did, however, order buffet items instead of ordering something they would make fresh. Being that close to him was awkward.

As I left the restaurant, I ran into a party promoter I met on FB. I'd never seen him in person and it makes sense that I would run into him with no makeup on, sweatshirt, leggings and my beat up Keds. He was shorter than I'd imagined. We're practically the same height (I'm 5ft). We chatted for a moment. He recognized me as well.

As we parted ways, he turned and said in his thick African accent, "I must say, you are a very pretty woman."

I was like, "Wow. Thanks." Still thinking I looked a hot mess.

Later in the evening, I got an FB message from him asking for my number. I obliged. He's not my type physically but why not? I'm sure he will show me some things!
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Deflector Shields Down

I was talking to YW on gchat and she pointed out that I've been running into a lot of dudes lately. I really hadn't noticed. Well, not enough to make a mental note of it. I told her I had no idea how it happened but I feel like I stopped deflecting men.

Anywhosies....I loved my outfit tonight...all black with a small leather purse shaped like a sliced watermelon and lime green eyes. Yes, to me, eyeshadow is part of an outfit.

As I was walking down to the train, a dude approached me. He gave me his number. I called him and my name (first and last) popped up. I DO NOT LIKE THAT ONE BIT! Wtf!?!

I went to this hip hop artist showcase tonight. It was dooope. Archer performed and won! He's just too too tooo sexy. Oy!

It seemed like he had a date...some really cute Spanish girl with a tight lil body. Heifer! Lol. I'm not hating (ok, a lil bit) but whatever. What's for me is for me and no chick can take it away.

Moving along...I think I'm over Carter. Last night, I was telling him a story. In the midst of which, he totally cut me off and started his own point. He did that about two or three times and we only spoke for about 40 minutes. In talking about relationships, he said "I know the right things to do now. I know what to say, how to act, what to be like.." O_o

Clearly not.

That went against one of my criteria for a man. He doesn't respect my voice. No one's opinion is more important than your own. And OH EM GEE! If he mentions his book or his videos ONE MORE TIME, Idk what I'm gonna do! So, yea..I'm fading in the distance. If he contacts me, I'll respond. Eventually, people realize they're the only ones reaching out and beat it!

We'll see. I'm so turned off. As a chubby kid, I always wanted someone to see me as beautiful. They only noticed my brain. As a beautiful chubby woman, I want my brain to be appreciated. Actually, I want both.

*sigh*

In regard to the Carter situation...thank you Belle. Thank you for reading. What you said was awesome! "Allow him to prove himself." I'll remind myself of that in any relationship I'm thinking of pursuing. I have to remind myself to do that because I'm so Type A and go-getterish that if something doesn't happen quickly enough, I feel compelled to make it happen. I need to breathe and relax and let it come to me.

It is amazing what you see when you open your eyes!
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[Post beneath this one...umm, read it...thanks]

Also, new background and I update ze blogroll on ze side. If you read this blog and want me to read your blog, link me and it will be added pronto.

Now, on to the post....

Why have I been talking to people about married men...as in, leaving them alone?

I told J tonight, "People say you can't choose who you love. Well, that's bull because you can choose who you invest time into and with whom you spend your time. Stop with these emotional attachments with people who can't reciprocate!"

He's talking to a man that's married to a woman (!) who lives in Texas.

*le sigh*

Yesterday, my pastor was saying if you don't know what you want in a man/woman stop looking. He said a lot of things that convicted me. (Whoa. Deja vu. Did I write this already?)

We're told as women if we make lists of things we want in a man, if it's too long then we're picky. Eff it. I'll be picky with the man I'm spending my life with and not so picky on my effing nail color.

So, I'm working on my list.

Here's what I have so far:

1. Hard-working
I've worked since I was 14. This is the longest time I've been without a "job" but this is the hardest I've worked. Go figure.

2. Creative
You can sing, draw, paint, sculpt, make awesome popsicle houses. SOMETHING!

3. Chivalrous
Please walk on the outside of the curb. Please open that door. Please pretend to not check out my boobs in church. Thanks.

4. Funny
Not like Dave Chappelle. When he says "Hello" I'm hyperventilating but a healthy sense of humor.

5. Respect
a. My Opinion
I may think that the houses in NYC should be painted in bright pastels like the houses in Bermuda. It could sound dumb to you. Disagree without demeaning me.
b. My Voice
Let me speak. When I do speak, it is usually something of value. Sometimes, I may need to ramble on. Effing listen to me! It is free.
c. My Body
Yes, it may be a lil lumpy than the average girl. Respect it because it is strong. Also, if you abuse it, I'll kill you (no, really though...)
d. My Friends and Family
They are an extension of me.
e. My Privacy
If I ask you not to read my blog but a week later, you ask me who is Carter. I'm cutting you.
f. My Conglomerate
I don't have a "hustle", a "little business" or "a hobby." I pour my soul into what I do.

6. Smart with a lil Nerd in there
Worldly and had a broad spectrum of knowledge but not pretentious.

7. Slightly Alpha Male
I like to feel protected and handled at some point. Show me you got it.
8. Style
You don't have to be GQ buuut please know that your back pockets shouldn't touch the back of your knees (sagging pants) and the bright skinny jeans should be on my butt. I want a dude I can take from the club to the museum to a black tie affair.

9. Can Communicate/Emotionally Available
If I hear ONE MORE STORY about someone who is an ex-something...oh em gee. Be over it. Be healed. Be ready to move on. Also, it's a chick move to be hurt by something I did/said and not tell me and do something to get me back. An immature chick, I mean.

10. Godly
Christian. Following Christ so I can follow you.

What's on your list?
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Gregarious Jones

I'm coming home from a long convo with Twin where I told him I was so depressed last week but didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone about it because I didn't feel like anyone could help me.

He said he felt like something was wrong but he didn't think it was that. He said I go through my super-focused periods where all I do is work and he thought that's what it was.

I told him I was upset that I didn't feel like I could talk to BFF. He just shook his head.

He said he felt like our friendship was in danger if he wasn't more ambitious because he said he knows how I am and how I surround myself with like-minded people and people with no long-term goals frustrate me.

We talked about dudes and he said that he never remembers any of my boyfriends past Afroman because I cut all of them off quickly without forming real attachments with them.

He was like, "One day, you're like...Oh I like so and so. He's so cute and funny. The next day, you're like..oh I dumped him because he didn't have a 5-year plan and I need someone going somewhere and they'll never be heard of again."

I laughed so hard! I love hearing my close friends' opinions of me!

He said, "Oh Nina, you're so young and beautiful. You're not having as much fun as you should be..."

I said, "Fun as in sex? Why is everyone anti-celibacy?"

He said, "I'm not anti-celibacy, I'm just..."

I said, "Pro-sex?"

We laughed.

He said he felt as though people who are celibate are depriving themselves from life's pleasures and you shouldn't do that but we agreed that men can detach emotion from sex while most women can't.

We talked for 2 hours! It was great. I wasn't even thinking about my ridiculous "Things to Do List."

Life stood still for those few hours and we were just good friends catching up.

Delicious.
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Theo Huxtable

I sat in the lounge on a leather couch, my grayscale cheetah leggings and pink suede pumps that matched my lipstick pretty much had me pegged as the pretty young thang of the night.

To say I felt out of place as the DJ kept shouting out the "grown-up" over 30 and better, would be an understatement. I crossed my legs, straightened the wide belt that cinched my waist and let my tongue graze my teeth - my tell that I was bored out of my mind.

AJ, a makeup artist that I work with on the magazine, had extended many invitations to me to join her out and I'd found sufficient reasons to not show up thrice before. I like AJ and I wanted to preserve our amicable relationship and so, I showed up for brunch on time. She, however, didn't show up for an hour and a half. So, I found myself fending of drink invitations from men who appeared to be card-carrying AARP members. It seemed, I'd failed to inquire as to which crowd would be there.

I hadn't realized that AJ was apart of the over 35 set either and so, when she came I felt like the calvary had come. She encouraged me to take advantage of the free massages they were giving out. They weren't great but they did help my lower back which was jacked up due to shoveling snow and a shoot back to back.

A little later on, as I was sitting next to AJ, her friend came over and started talking to her. I'd seen him earlier and wasn't really impressed so when he and AJ were having a disagreement and he asked to borrow me to have his chance to plead his case even more, I went reluctantly. I had no idea what they were talking about.
He informed me that they were arguing about his ability to give massages. He gave me a sneak peek and it was really good. He told me he learned how to give massages in Colombia and he wasn't sure if he were good because his Spanish is bad and their English is worse. I told him I'd vouch for him but I asked why was it so important.

He told me that she downed him and that to get her back he'd give her one really great massage and then cut her off. That way he'll have the power.

I asked what would I get if I vouched for him. He said 4 massages and on the 5th I'd beg for more. I said, no, I'd just propose. As soon as I said that "Poison" came on. He was like "Whoa...don't say that to a man while Poison is playing. "

He was very funny and charming.
He joked that he needed a green card and so he wanted to fast track the process. On Tuesday, we'd meet at INS and get a move on. He said the process is that you have to wait 2 years to be married and be married 5 years to get the green card. I asked him where he was from and he said a part of Harlem where you need a green card to be considered a citizen still. He said with his luck, we'll be married 4 years and 1 day short of the 5th year and I'll ask for a divorce. Somehow, we talked about Star Trek (he showed me how to do the Vulkan Mind Meld), laughed at how people born on Feb 29th had a bad rap, how surprisingly there are no brothas on Krypton although their names are deceptive and his requirements for me in our green card marriage. Which are basically peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and ESPN. He is hilarious!

AJ told me we were made for each other because our sense of humor is very similar. I said, how many men know how to do the Vulkan Mind Meld?

The moment of truth came when we talked about The Shadow, this nightclub notorious for the over 50 crowd. He said, "I liked dating 25-year old when I was 33, 7 years ago but I don't know about now..."

My eyes went wide.

"What?"

"I'm 24." I laughed.

"Why didn't you stop me?"

"I didn't know if I should have. I like you but I understand if my age is a problem for you. "

He thought for a moment.

"It's not. I mean, it may have when I was 15 and you were a baby but things are evening out now. "

He told me he liked my shoes and was amazed I could walk in them. I was ecstatic to hear that - they're 4inches high and I'd been in them since church that morning. I felt like they'd paid off, lol.

I took his number (bold of me!) and told him to look out for me stalking him on FB. He walked us to AJ's car, helped me walk over the snow, hugged me and opened the door for me.

She asked me who he reminded me of. Malcolm Jamaal Warner, I said. He has the long locs and everything. He cringed. He gets that a lot. I said.."No worries, man, everyone loved Theo Huxtable!"
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