Confession

I'm angry at things I can not control. Although I know its futile, I can not help it.

I tweeted this last night and immediately, I wanted to delete it because it felt so raw. It was so true, so real to the state I was in....and I wasn't sure if anyone would take it seriously.

So much in my life could be different.

Better.

But its not.

Its ridiculous to dwell on it. That's how you become miserable and spiteful. But, if only...
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All This For an Average N-Word

I've really been playing myself. Pining after dudes that don't really DO IT for me. All in the name of not being lonely.

What in the heezy am I thinking?

Shabba didn't call me back when he got home from Atlanta. I decided to call him yesterday. It should've been a light bulb moment when I was surprised he answered. He was out at Target with his mom picking up gifts for his nephew's birthday. I said I wanted to hang out today. He told me it would have to be today because he's going to Philly on Saturday.

Cool. I was going to work. We said someone would call each other later. I got home from work round 10:30. I called him. No answer. This morning I text(ed) him and told him to hit me up if he still wanted to hang out.

I got called in to work early. I'm not holding my breath for him to call, text, smoke signal me. If he does, he does but seriously, I need to faaaallllllll back. I have a tendency to go hard. Usually the person is not even worth it. So, really until whomever comes along and they prove to me that they are by umm--- putting some effort in, then I'm not troubling myself. This goes for friendships and business partnerships, too. Hmph!

I told Twin about the situation, he was like...maybe he's just not that into me.

He's got a point there....
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It's Hotter Than the Devil's Balls Today

- has nothing to do with the post but just thought you should know.

So, BFF decided to get an abortion. I agree with her. Its a messed up situation that had she followed through with *ahem* my advice/her conviction to leave him alone in JANUARY, she wouldn't be in this predicament. Ladies, make better decisions, please! His selfishness is ridiculous. He wants a child and so he will put her in this crazy position and ask her to keep it..smh. But, when she called him to talk, he said he couldn't because he was with his girl.

Class act, isn't he?

GGi has drama of her own. Idk if I told ya'll but she slept with this dude she met off Facebook after 2 weeks. He was weird. Kept pushing her to spend all her time with him, wanted her to meet his daughter, meet his friends...yep, after 2 WEEKS! I was like:dang Gi, was the lovin good?

The 3rd week hits, and this girl pops up. She's an Aquarian and her name is Nina, too. Go figure. Nina2 tells Gi that dude is still sleeping with her, accepting her gifts and chauffeured services. After much ado, dude tells Gi he called it quits with Nina 2.

Last week, he had a bday party for his daughter. Gi didn't go. She felt weird meeting the fam, the baby mama and 'em after now, 3 weeks.
Right after that, on Tuesday, dude posts on FB that he lost his phone and the next day, he deletes his FB.

Suuuussssssppppecccccct!

Nina2 calls Gi to ask if she heard from dude because he told her that he changed his number because he was dealing with too many women at the same time and he didn't want certain people to be able to contact him.

Wow...pulling a disappearing act after telling someone you want them to meet your whole family...awesome!

Point is: he was dealing with her and at least 3 other women since there were 2 women giving Nina2 the stank eye at the party and one of them admitted to have a fwb relationship with dude.

What in the hell? Where do people find time?

After getting dressed, half my day is goone gooone goooone...and so is my energy.

Other stuff happened. Trying to wrap my head around it. Post later...
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Ahhhhhhhhhhh

I need to find a J.O.B.

I've applied to a couple of desk jobs but really...........its really really reluctant. I don't want to punch in or clock out. I want to do make-up.

Kind of like that scene in Kung Fu Panda...I love make-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!



But it means hustling and unsteady flow of income. I'm not sure if I can deal. It also means not being able to hold downa real job because I need real serious flexibility.

IDK what I'm going to do!

Something You Can't Get Rid Of + Something You Can

"Now, Nina...don't go giving these lil boys something you can't get back," my grandmother said to me after I'd sprouted all the breasts and booty any little girl would be proud of and like a good lil girl, I feigned not knowing what she was talking about. What poor granny didn't know was that I'd already given it. My friends had as well and I was really just biding my time until I would do it again. For I was in loooove. I mean, I was 16. I knew all about love, right? The boyfriend and I had a fish together. We were almost jumping the broom. I can laugh at it now. Back then, not so much.



BFF called me over to her house for drinks because the dude she's sleeping with (who has a live-in girlfriend of 8 years) told her he has chlamydia which he got from her, which she got from another dude she slept with 2 months ago. Messy, right? It was during this conversation she realized that her period was 10 days late. She had an appointment for the doctor today, early.



And well, BFF's pregnant.



*insert falling out, calling on Jesus, the works*



There are about 7 reasons why this situation is not ideal. Big BIG reasons.



All I can do is help her through it. She wants me to tell her what to do. Part of her wants to keep it but the other part of her tells her its all wrong. Because um...also, technically, BFF is married. She and her husband have been separated for a year. No divorce papers yet. Well she signed them. He hasn't. Da-rama!



So, yea...not a clue what to do. She's between 1 and 5 weeks along. She still has a bit of time to make a decision. It is all so scary and uncertain. Any suggestions on helping her deal?

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The Need for Mad Money

I've spent thousands of dollars at M.A.C. - of this I'm sure of 2 things:
A. I wish I could recoup some of that
B. It was money well spent.

The photo shoot yesterday went well but it was 3 hours of work and they only gave me $45. Yes, 3 for the price of 1. Awesome..*sarcasm*

In exchange for that, I was supposed to see a man about a horse or a woman about a make-up counter job. The woman assured me that I'd get it. I wasted 2 hours of my life to go there and I didn't get it. I can't do individual lashes or eyebrows and so....those were deal breakers....I go home and I feel like a loser.

I cry. The tears were slow and deliberate. I just felt like I've been trying so much to no avail. Self-pity is a motha....

A nap will make me feel better. Yes? Hmmmm...

I get up in enough time to be late for work. Awesome! I awake to text messages from BFF asking how the interview was..then, going off with random expletives...then, demanding we get drinks after I get off work. Frankly, I don't want to do it. I have my own stuff going on. I'm really really sad and unsure of whether or not I will be eating cat food next week. Money is so funny and that's no joke. I agree. She won't tell me what's the matter.

I get to work and am just trying to relax. I go on Twitter and Afroman has announced L is pregnant!

(Brief history: I've loved Afroman since freshman year of high school, 10 years ago. We were off and on but serious until 2 years ago who he moved in with L. She's the woman he left me for, denies leaving me for her and has tried to get in my pants since by telling me they're not together, succeeding once in November. The last time I saw him was Memorial Day. He told me hey weren't together. I told him I was being celibate til marriage. Yup, in an essence....that's him)

I immediately start crying. It hurts. I tell Gi on FB chat. She says he's not worth my tears. I can't help it. I know there's no possible way we would ever be together. That is more than evident if she wasn't in the picture. I just can't shake the feeling of extreme sadness. I feel as though Mr. T slapped me.

How does MAC factor in? Well, I'm wearing their eye liner and through all the tears, it hasn't budged...a small sliver of light.

Drinks with BFF....let's see what her problems are that she has to tell me in person after a long day...if its stupid, I'm going OFF.

I just can't deal.
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Fiiiiiiierce!

I woke up on Sunday at 1:20pm thankful for my feet feeling halfway normal. I told ya'll I'm the beauty editor for a magazine catering to plus-sized women...we had our first photo shoot. It was amazing....

Firstly, the girl was sooo wholesome and so pretty. I made her goth. It was crazy. The 2nd girl, I made her 1940's flapper goth. Weird but cool.

I was on my feet from 3pm til 11ish. When I got home...I just wanted to amputate my feet. I'm not used to it but I'm going to have to be. The hair stylist, Liza...she's BANANAS! Her energy is crazy....she talks a mile a minute like JFS. She says she's got a shoot tomorrow (aka Monday) what's my rate. $45 an hour.

she's like: perfect. The girl will need me for 3 hours. Cool. It would be form 2 to 5. I have to be at work at 6. Really, it was great.

Everything went well. I got home and was exhausted but for some reason, I couldn't sleep. My friend on Twitter said he's looking into getting into photography. I friend him on FB. I toss and turn and eventually fall asleep.
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I'm Kinda A Big Deal

Since no one likes my "to be continued" stunts..this post reads like a mini-novel.

I don't think I'll ever have a quiet weekend again, lol

Friday, I was soooo upset! Without getting into the painful details...both of my accounts are overdrawn by at least $100 and it was either have my entire part-time paycheck be eaten up or go to a Check Cashing place. I hadn't been to one in YEEEEARS! But I went. And so, here's the thing...I had two checks. One was my straight check and the other was for hours they forgot to pay me.

So, I go and the ADP check is fine and the other won't process, meaning, they can't verify the funds...

Hunh?

Yes, d-r-a-m-a!

So, anyway...I'm all depressed. Not sure of what to do. So, I work..watch youtube videos of make-up artists demonstrating their stuff. It lifts my mood a bit. I go home and wash my brushes because I have a photo shoot on Sunday.

Saturday, I was supposed to pull look for the shoot. My editor calls and says there's a BBC for 7days7nights.com and we should go - good networking. I'm down.

So, we leave from the far side of Brooklyn, after playing stylist in a hot boutique shop to go to Harlem. 139th Street. And.....

Womp womp womp

The Networking BBQ looks like a children's party. There are a couple of cuties sprinkled in there but idk no one of real importance.

There was ths 6 year old girl dancing like a stripper. I wanted to pull her by her hair off the dance floor.

So, JFS gets on twitter and finds out there's a bbq in Queens that we NEED to be at.

So, we get on the train to go downtown to go uptown to Queens. Yes, muy complicated. We stay on the train for an hour and a half and then walk 20 blocks in Jamaica, Queens to this damn party.

Oh em gee! I was like, on the real, JFS..this needs to be the best party I've ever been to! She was crackin up.

So, we get there and its a backyard bbq to end all backyard bbq's. Firstly, the house is huge. Secondly the backyard is MASSIVE. They had 5 stations where you sit in a nice leather chair and play racing, Mortal Kombat or something, and all sorts of stuff. It was amazing. There were some major hotties, too. I could've gotten a few numbers but I was like ehhhhh...I would just be getting it to get it and it would end up being annoying.

This dude was like trying to clown JFS on the way she was dressed. She (who is a crazy potty mouth) was like "Yo, son! Hop off my nuts. I'm kinda a big deal. Google me mutha******)

It caught me off guard. I burst out laughing so hard.

Editor wanted to use the bathroom. Duuuude! The bathroom line was sooo long. We were on the line for like 20 minutes WHEN these two girls got into an argument over one of the girls taking to long in the bathroom. Mind you, its at someone's house and there was only one bathroom for men and women.

Yea.

This party had 200 people easily.

One of the girls maces the other. And then maces inside the bathroom so no one can use it.

While this is going on, this chick who is a friend of the family thnks she is running things. She is tiny tiny. Like a size 0. and short like 5"3ft and she had on 4inch heels.
She's trying to skip the line and the chick who got maced is like....

"That bitch...that bitch...that bitch..." choking trying to tell her which girl maced her.
Running things chick is like...who she calling a bitch? Trying to get all up in her face..people are pulling her back. I hope she was drinking and that's why she was acting stupid. Smh. She was so adorable too.

So, because of the mace situation, someone called the cops. JFS kept saying someone would drive us home. So, we walk to her friends' car. It was 3 of them, 3 of us..it would've been tiiight. So, we had to walk the 20 blocks back to the train. Did we mention it was 3am?

Uh, yea...so we start walking. As we're walking, this dude tries to talk to JFS. Another dude staggers over like, "You guys good? Is he bothering you?"

We look at him, like...are you serious? Smh

So, JFS gets the number and we continue on. More dudes hit on us but we keep it moving because its dark. Apparently, people don't believe in more than one street light per block. One dude grabs JFS. While some dude is like, "Hi," to either me or Editor. We're standing side by side. Turns out..JFS knows him. *whew*

She starts talking to him. This chick TALKS! The dude that says hi to us, tries talking to Editor. He's from the South. He's really nice. He lives outside the house we're standing in front of. He offers us to go see his garden in his backyard. Uh, yea..its pitch-black back there and it 3am! No.

Editor keeps shooting him down. Its hilarious. He keeps staring at me saying how familiar I look to him. He's a mailman. He doesn't ring a bell. For this purpose, let's call him SG for Southern Gentleman.

SG and JFS get into a random argument about her cursing. Literally, every other word out of her mouth is and F-bomb.
It was short-lived but JFS is still catching up with her homeboy.

Finally (!!) JFS is done talking. Her friend offers us a ride to the train. We're about to get in his car when she steps in a mud puddle. She's wearing sandals and her whole foot is covered in mud!

Yuck. Lol.

SG takes her in the backyard to hose off her foot. Editor and I are annoyed and tired. I'm kinda sick of hearing her talk.

After a couple minutes, Editor and I want to check on JFS. I mean, SG is nice buuttt we don't know him. He could be a murderer. So, we go in the backyard and JFS is laughing hysterically. She looks like a child being hosed off. She's like...oooh the rushing water feels so good...ooooh. We ask SG if we can use his bathroom. Its a loooong way back to Brooklyn. He obliges us.

His house is such a man's house, lol. That's all I will say. Editor goes in the bathroom. I sit down on his bed next to him. (The only place to sit.) We'd been on our feet since 1. We're exhausted. I get a good look at SG. He has beautiful light brown eyes. Not bad looking. We joke about Editor. How he didn't stand a chance. He says he can tell I'm nice. He has Uno cards. He asks if I will play with him one day. I was like...NO...Brooklyn is a long way to travel to play Uno with him. He's like...I'll pick you up. I have a car. Its not that far from here.

I say okay and take his info to FB him.

I go in and use the bathroom. I turn the knob to wash my hands and it breaks off in my hand. I stand there, my mouth wide open like...oh shoot! I tell him. He's like...I offer you my hospitality and you break my house down. He starts laughing. it needs to be replaced. Editor starts laughing at me, too.

She says I looked like a little kid who did something wrong and was going to get in trouble.

He fixes it.
We walk outside. SG walks us to the car. All of a sudden, he takes my hand and starts dancing with me in the street. Its so random and cure at the same time. He kissed my hand. He hugs me and kissed me on my forehead, really close to my eye. He's like, my bad...lol

So, I kinda like SG but don't want to be 2nd choice...I mean...come on! Any suggestions??

We finally get in the car and pull off. Out of nowhere, JFS' homeboy stops the car and hops in the back with us. He lays across all of us. Dude is like 200 pounds of muscle. His head is literally on my chest. So, me being me, I start playing with his face. I poke his ears. I squeeze his nose and lips together so he can't breathe. He's like, why you trying to kill me. I was like, 'cause, I don't even know your name and you're at second base already. Everyone laughs.

I start pinching his nipples...(Umm, yea...don't ask) and I feel up his arms. Yoooooooooo! Dude is mad sexy! I'm like Editor, you need to squeeze this. She's like, Excuse me, Nina...squeeze what?! His arm! What kind of whore do you take me for? They all laugh.

We get out the car but not before si scratch my foot on some hard plastic panel in his car. We say our goodbyes and go down in train station as the train is pulling off...we sprint and get on the train and it sits there for 10 minutes.

Its 4:30am.

I get off the train as the rain begins to pour down. Great. I've been trying to conserve all the funds I have. Its after 5am, and I'm thinking of just taking the bus. I don't see any cabs. I stand at the bus stop as this dude eating a salad says hello to me.

I say hello. He's like you coming from the club? I nod. I don't do random conversations with strangers. He's like which club? I ignore him. He's a bouncer. He talks on and on about how he searches people really well or else they'll try to get guns and knives in the club. He's like he doesn't care. He'll go in their nut sack of a dude cuz that's where they hide stuff.

It begins to rain harder as I'm looking for a can just as hard.

He pulls out a knife and he's like I took that from someone tonight. I nod and slowly walk a good distance away. I hail a cab which drives 90mph and almost takes me down the wrong street. He overcharges me as he stops in the middle of the street to let me out. I get home. Its 5:30 am. I am just thankful to be home in one piece!

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Return of Brother Wise

Y4 posts in a day? I must be unemployed...or busy...

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Looking For A New Love...

And his name is Shabba. Lol

He's cute but dark dark dark...just the way I like 'em.

Sidenote: I talked to my first bf on FB. Let's call him YingYang (YY)...firstly because he's a twin. He's sweet and nice. His twin is the devil. Lol.

Anyway, YY is sooo different from the past ummm...10 guys I've dated...lol...exaggeration, of course. He's light light light...he has gorgeous gray-blue eyes and he's a big goof ball. I remember kissing him and feeling electricity.

Funny.

Anyway, Shabba. We went to high school together. I liked him and we always flirted but he was on some different stuff. He never pushed. Probably because I was on some different militant uber-nerd stuff. I saw him at the memorial for my high school principal. It was so weird going back because I first grew out my afro senior year of high school and there I was, natural again.

It was different. Maybe it was the heels, the outfit, or the make-up but random dudes were coming up to me saying how they had a crush on me back then or how I should model now or how gorgeous I am. Like..ummm....this dude, I couldn't even tell you his name, a class we had together, or anything was like..."Oh, because you're all gorgeous now, you can't speak."

I was like, "Hello and you are..." polite...though, lol.

He was like, "Oh come on.."

I said, "I'm sorry. Are you sure you have the right person?"

He was like, "Yes, Nina X." I was shocked. Before we could continue, we were moved by security because of crowd control. My friend laughed at me later because I'm horrible with names and faces. I blame working with a lot of people. I've seen so many faces, its hard for me to place people sometimes.

Anywhosies, Shabba was there. He looked great in his slacks and dress shirt we hugged. I told him we would have to reconnect.

I called him Saturday. I was free. He didn't call me back. I called him Sunday. He didn't call me back. I was about to lose hope until we caught up on FB.

FB, the great enabler.

Convo went something like this..

Me: Shabba!
S: Hey you! I'm sorry I didn't get back to you. I'm in Atlanta with my cousin. I've been meaning to come but suddenly, I'm unemployed and decided to come.
Me: Me too! Yay! Ok, not yay, but...
S: lol
Me: but don't worry. You don't call me back, I know where you live. I'll hunt you down!
S: oh word! Can you cook?
Me: of course! Its in the big girl's handbook!
S: ok, then maybe we can work something out...
Me: cool cool. What would you want?
S: to get in your stomach
Me: hunh?
S: jk
I can't help it.
Me: right....anyways...I'm upset with you. I've been trying to holla at you since freshman year and you've been playing me...
S: not true. You left me. Lonely. Broke.
Me: never trust a big butt and a smile. This girl is poisooooonnnnn.
S: lol
Yup. I never trusted you. I knew better
Me: :-O
S: lol
I'm lying. You were the most trustworthy of them all. You were always honest and sweet
Me: awww thanks. You were always funny and charming
S: I'm still me
Me: I'm still me
S: you better be
Me: lol. I would like to get to know grown man Shabba
S: You will. Trust me you will.

Yayyyyyy! I really like him. Hopefully, he doesn't disappoint.
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Oh Em Gee

I ran into Blair tonight.
In the busiest place ever..Times Square.

Oh man...he looked so good I could've thrown the panties at him right then and there..as soon as he smiled at me, my face felt hot. He's really a beautiful man. Our conversation was short. I was with a friend on our way to get drinks...he was on his way home.

As we walked away, I told my friend..."Damn you celibacy..damn you to hell...."

She laughed so hard.
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stress + balance

that should be the name of this daggone blog for real...

that or..always looking for the other shoe...

both things, i am perpetually looking for.

i had a conversation with a friend because she wanted to hang out. i have all this free time since i'm partially employed, yes?

uh, see the thing is....i kept saying. i have all of these projects and all of these THINGS going on, i have no time for leisure. and so, i scheduled leisure into my life. every monday, unless there's a job interview or something of real IMPORTANCE..i will be going to the beach...taking a dip (I can't swim) in the ocean...relaxation...from 9 to 3. and then back on the wheel, little hamster...

>insert break to take phone call<

so...here's what happened...i was also supposed to meet up with friends to talk about our job search. then, i was supposed to meet with this stylist to pull looks for a photo shoot on sunday. after that, i have to go to work. after that, i have to go my friend's after party, his birthday is today.

ok...i cancelled the meet-up with my friends because it was just too much for me to be dressed up and my bag weighed 30 pounds! fine.

they were cool with it.

then, i come home...e-mails from different people...prospective models, the photo shoot i scheduled on saturday fell through...i needed that money...drama rama rama...

frrrrrrrrruckkkkkkkkk!

the stylist cancelled...so, i have to trust the looks she pulls...so now, i'm sitting home thinking of my next move...

there's always something..there's always someone needing something from me...i wish beach days were everyday...

WORD.

Hmmmmm 2

And he's not there and I am PISSED.

I am starving and tired. I want Checker's, bff invited me to eat with her parents and I decline. I decide to stay close to where I was to eat. I get pizza.

10 mins later, a # I don't recognize calls me. I pick up. Its DK. Apologizing profusely, he convinces me to let him meet me and salvage some type of "date." We go back to the open mic night where he sings and plays guitar.

He's good.

We leave and decide to chill in the sunshine. He's not working and I kind of feel bad, letting him spend any money on me. We decide to go to the pier. He'd never been to the West Village. It was interesting for him because there were a lot of people running with no shirts on. He was like..why the gotta be shirtless? He also said that people that run and work out a lot are putting undue stress on their body and the result of the stress is the ab muscles and things like that and if we ate everything in moderation and in proper proportions, we would be how we're supposed to be naturally. Some people are naturally big. Be big. Some people are naturally small. Be small.

He did most of the talking. For some reason, he felt really open with me and I felt guarded. I smiled and nodded but it was like Fort Knox getting me to reveal anything.

He said he didn't have time for a relationship but he liked spending time with me and he thinks I'm really attractive. Most of his past dealings have been friends with benefits.

He asked me...when was my last relationship. I told him January.

He looked shocked.

He asked me what was wrong with that situation.

I told him that he didn't think that I should spend any moment awake and not at work without him. He laughed and asked me if dinner was on the table every night and breakfast every morning. I said not every time but like..75%.

He guffawed and said:
Do you know who you are? Why should you conform to the stereotypical role of a woman? How dare anyone ask you to cook for them and do those things. You're too beautiful to be any man's housewife.

I was shocked.
I was like...I'm old-fashioned in a lot of ways. No one made me do those things. I wanted to do it. Don't you crave a home-cooked meal every now and again?

He was silent for a beat then he asked if I was trying to use him as a replacement for dude.

No. I don't think this is going to work between us. We're both busy and I've been celibate since that last relationship. I'm pretty sure I'm going to remain so until marriage.

He looked me in my eyes. You're so beautiful, he said.

Uh...thanks...I looked away. Sing me a song, please.

He took out his guitar. It was blue and cream. He sang a song about atheism.

If that's not comedy. I don't know what is! He explained that he doesn't agree with any organized form of religion. How Christians and Catholics are borderline schizophrenics for believing that God is 3 people in one and he went on.

I didn't say anything. Honestly, I didn't feel up for a debate. All I said was wow...

He went on...to sing Sunday Morning by No Doubt (I mentioned I liked that song earlier...cool point for that), Spiders by Coldplay, another No Doubt song...

(By this time I'm like...okay enough..) I said, you've been singing all week...you should relax your voice.

He was like...oh I'm fine.

He sang a song about God. It was called Bittersweet Remorse that he wrote himself. He explained that it is about how no matter how hard you run from God and believing, you have no choice.

Ummm, ok.

Then, he sang Yellow by Coldplay.

Now....that song is hella romantic....He killed it but it made me uncomfortable because random people were giving us thumbs up and this lady was like....you guys are so cute!

Hmmmm, yea! Lol

He finished. He said that if I never call him again, he's around people trying to produce albums. He could get me a gig. We could use each other for networking. I agreed.

After that, he wanted to get something to eat. I said I'd eaten already. He wanted to get Starbucks. I declined.

I said...I just wanted to go home. I was tired.

Idk what to say, it was an interesting evening...
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Hmmmm

You would think that with me being under-employed, I would have more time but um...I don't really. Most of my time is now devoted to pursuing m passion,bringing my business ventures to fruition and stifling the debilitating fear that overcomes me.

This weekend was very different from the past ones.

Friday, after fake smiles and hugs from the NPR staff, I rushed home to change to go to the memorial service for my high school principal. He was looooved! I go the number of this dude I had a crush on in high school. Yowza! Lol. Idk why I still like him...maybe because he's comfortable. After, we had pizza at bff's house with some friends I hadn't seen in 6 years. Left late and crashed at home after tripping down bff's stairs. I really need to work on being less clumsy.

Saturday, I wallowed in self-pity for most of the day after the champagne flutes I bought for the make-up party came in the mail. I went and got a hair cut, came home...more self-pity. It was really sick. As hard as I tried, I couldn't get to sleep. I kept tossing and turning and I kept visualizing a man in all black searching my apartment to kill me. Creepy.

Sunday, after maybe 4 hours of sleep, I painted myself beautiful to go to church. I asked CiCi, my editor in chief of the magazine I'm beauty editor for to go to church with me. She enjoyed it. I raced home, changed clothes and went on a date.

On June 25th, I cut my hair off, went to the first event for full-figured fashion week and on my way home, was feeling so foxy and sexy that I gave my card to this musician I met on the train, enter DK, for Don King as in his hair kind of resembles DK.

DK is....a classique! Lol

He has no charm. He says exactly what he thinks which is great. I'm all for the anti-sugar coat but....there's a difference in saying...
"Hey, no pressure. Whenever you're available, let's hang out..."

Than

"Yo, the ball's in your court."

Ummm...the ball's in my court? I know me. Maybe I analyze everything too much but...I thought that was kind of rude. Like...word?

Moving along....we had a date on Wednesday which he cancelled in order to "chase money" as he said it and he invited me to an open mic evening at a bar in the West Village I'd never heard of before.

He text(ed) me on Saturday at like 6am, to meet him there. It was from 3-5.

I'm running late and I sent him a quick text at 2:30 saying so.

I get up and am there by 3:05(uh yea, usually, I'm super punctual..) and no text, no call..no show!

I call him and his phone is going straight to voicemail.

Fine. I think...maybe he's on the train.

Btw, the bar is empty.

Btw, btw ...I feel like a heathen, leaving church to go to a bar...

Lol

Anywhosies, I call him and leave a message...if you're not here by 4, I'm out. Which, I thought was very liberal of me. More liberal than I am usually.

4 o'clock comes and.....

To be continued, lol
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5 Minute Reminisce

I watched as he crossed the street. The familiar bop, the way he always held his hands clasped in front of him. He was always alert.

I smiled as it took him a moment to recognize me.

We embraced as I felt the familiar arms. I squeezed him close. Yes, I missed him.

It brought back memories as I smelled his cologne. He was only going to the store, yet he smelled great. He looked great and I was a puddle.

We talked shortly as he told me of his struggle. He's been out of wok since September. Yikes!I told him of my recent plight and my current passion.

I remember all too well. His passion. It was once me as we necked in the hallways of our high school. Later, morning sex as we both figured out sophomore years of college or life.

I remember kisses on nipples, tongues exploring. It was time to say goodbye and I wanted it to extend past polite hellos in the street. I wanted him to hold me. He looked at me with that familiar look in his eye.

All I had to do was say the word and we could've gone there.

I walked away.

I still smell the faint scent of his cologne on my clothes.

Man, I miss the comfort of a man!

uncertain

my time at npr is coming to a close tomorrow.

i found out yesterday.
i have a game plan. i am ready.

i am just so tired.

i should be looking for a job, completing cover letters, being focused...
but i'm reading blogs and allowing myself to be enveloped in other people's lives, instead. i couldn't sleep last night. i was up til about 1 or 2. i got up at 7. i avoided being late to work by the grace of GOD. that's adding to my lethargy about job searching while i'm quelling the fear and nausea that's riding my spine.

i met a guy the same day i cut my hair and went to fff week.
he's different in an artsy way. he's totally NOT my type at all.
he's tall. (check for that)
his hair is all over the place, like don king (minus)
he's in a transitional phase. he said he's lived all over. he's originally from california and he's trying to make it as a musician. he's recently unemployed and is hustling to make it.

i like stability.

he left me this long message on tuesday after we hadn't spoken since the beginning of july saying how he likes me but he's busy and he can make time but he's not sure.

dude...make up your mind.

he hoped i understand because i'm an artist, too.

uh, yeah i do. but....he's socially awkward. things that i would say to my girlfriends or in my head, he says to me. like, the ball is in your court.
i'm not sure if he's bitter because of past relationships or he's just rough around the edges.

we were supposed to go on a low-key date in the park. i think he planned to play his guitar for me. he cancelled last minute because he had a gig.

as i was leaving work, i ran into him. he was passing out flyers for $10 and hour he told me. (who tells people that?)

he then said that he can't run from money..okay sure...i get it.

so, the guy who was passing out flyers came up to us. i met him. he was like...trying to look into my eyes. he was like yo..dude..she's gorgeous.

i blushed and said thank you.

dude said.."she knows..."

i looked at him. that was a weird statement to make, no?

he then invites me to a show he's playing. then he says, his friends will be there...is that okay. it is but, i'm trying to remember rules...should i meet the friends if i'm not sure i like the guy.

i'm not sure if the guy likes me.

its apparent that we are both scattered in many ways and this is a bad time to try and spark something.

however, its different. he's different. i kind of want to try to date guys that are in the same city as me instead of nursing a crush on unattainable men.

*le sigh*

we'll see...i have the perfect..i'm with the rocker outfit. although something tells me he's more musiq soulchild and less lenny kravitz.

i guess we will see!

i need to tell you all...all the pain he's caused....

as i'm writing this, i'm reading blogs and listening to lauryn hill's "peace of mind" song...

i love that song...

i've always had the question:

can you feel your own mind unraveling?

that question scares me above all. as far as i know, mental illness does not run in my family, although all 3 of my parents are crazy as hell. (lol)

a friend of a friend that i know...he's got everything any young man would want.
he's smart. he's about to be dual-degreed at the age of 21. he's a kappa...(and you know how i feel about them..lol). he's good-looking, charming, funny, and he just walked away from a good job to pursue a deeper meaning of life. his spirituality is beautiful. his family is well-off and he grew up in a loving home like the huxtables with less kids.

last year...he had a nervous breakdown.

he got treatment. everyone thought he was fine.

monday night, he got into a bad car-crash. he basically crashed his car into a building with scaffolding...the scaffolding fell on the hood. my bff said it looked like someone peeled off the top of the car.

he walked away without a scratch, saying that he felt like he was Jesus and his friend who was in the passenger seat was satan. he was trying to heal her by showing her he could fly.

he's been arrested and we're waiting to see what is to become of it...pray for him ya'll..this is serious!

Spinning...

There's so much going on....I have to write but sometimes it becomes so difficult to compartmentalize your life to the point everything is on a schedule. I never want to be THAT regimented. I probably will have to in order to not lose my mind!

Ok, so let me...explain....

Saturday was my shoot. It was 9hours...an hour and a half away from my house. It was real labor. If you ever ask yourself why a make-up artist (mua) may charge a lot, understand that this person is standing on their feet for however long the shoot is trying to figure out a way to please you and the camera while dealing with your blemishes, oily skin, or whatever comes up in a way that produces their own vision for you. All in all, I left the shoot with this thought:

"I made in 9 hours doing something I love, the exact amount I would make in 40 hours doing something I loathe."

It was just me, the model, and the photographer. So, I acted as stylist-assistant and mua. By the end of the day, I wanted to throw myself into a bed of feathers, which I did...missing a 2 bbq's where there would be BOYS!

Sunday, I went to church.

And Oh em gee!

It was amazing. The pastor preached about baptism and the symbolism behind it.
The whole process mirrors Jesus and what he went through toward the end of his life.

1. Death.
When you're in the pool alone, it symbolizes the isolation of death where your former life dies.

2. Burial
Jesus was buried in a tomb, but we are buried momentarily in water. Meaning, our former life..the things we are ashamed of are buried under water.

3. Resurrection
When we are lifted from the water, we are resurrected in a new life, side by side with Jesus. When Jesus resurrected, He had all authority over Heaven and Earth. We are also given this power through Jesus.

(there were scriptures to back this up but I don't have my notes with me)

After he preached, there were 11 people who were scheduled to be baptized. Right after them, 11 more people walked up and asked to be baptized in the clothes they wore to church. Men didn't care about the clothes. Women didn't care about their hair...they just wanted to walk with Christ.

It was an amazing experience!

identity: lost and found

i miss my anonymity sometimes.
i often fight the urge to start up another blog somewhere where no one knows my name.
no one knows my story.

and yes, i'm still "anonymous."

but there is an intimacy that is shared when people read the things you don't even tell your friends.

and there is a difference when you meet bloggers whom you've read for years. i have such a headache.

i am so exhausted.

pms

today
i am looking at the world with flames in my eyes.
i want to watch it burn.

gone is the optimism...the youthful abandon by which i look at situations.

i just want to yell and scream and kick things.

i am angry. restless. tired. fatigued.

a headache is ravaging my brain.

i want to give people the finger.

i want to smack random strangers.

once again, i am that girl back in junior high school that's brooding in the corner watching the children play without her.

once again, in one of the most populated cities in the world, i feel completely alone.

I Ain't Perfect...but....DAMN!

Gi is a really good person. She's kind, generous, funny, smart, real...but sometimes, I want to shake some sense into her!

She started talking to this dude 2 weeks ago. Monday, she had sex with him. She spent the night with him last night. Did I mention, she slept with my boss 2 weeks after talking to him, too? Then he disappeared on her. Not completely since we all work together.

I gave her a pep talk. I told her she's precious..if she would only slow down. She's talking marriage. She's thinking marriage. Its been a cycle. The last 4-5 men she's been with, she's known for under a month. She's like...well....each time, I wanted to do it. I wanted sex.

I said, I routinely fantasize about punching strangers in the back of the neck. I really wanted to do it. The same reason I don't is the same reason you shouldn't have sex...because just because I want to do it doesn't make it right.

Granted, if you go back to this time last year, I made some bad decisions. I had a buck fuddy. I had what I thought would turn into a relationship stay at the most basic level. I've been hurt by going with urges and not with thoughts of the morning after and Gi has heard my hurt, my disappointment in the walk of shame instead of morning breakfast. She has gotten attached quickly and has cried or felt like mold on year old cheese. Yet, she continues to make the same mistakes. Part of this has to do with my own Capt Save-A-Hoe selfishness as well. It all starts the same. Boy meets girl. Boy spends hours on the phone with girl. Girl feels like boy is a nice guy. Boy gets sex. Boy stops returning phone calls. Girl cries. Part of me doesn't want to hear it. Imagine if every day was Groundhog Day?

But, I have to realize...I can't control the things that happen in my life, much more than anyone else's.

God and Heavenly Father,
Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed;courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

*le sigh*

This morning, my phone was dead and so when my mom rang my doorbell to give me a ride to the train station, I was rushing to leave the house so she wouldn't leave me. See, here's the thing...If she's running late, I should just swallow it. If she needs money, I better have it to give to her. When the shoe is on the other foot...oh I get questioned, interrogated, even.

SO FINE!

I'm running down my stairs...and fell. I broke my sandals..(thong sandals...both shoes), scraped my elbow...my thigh hurts. Perfect, I thought.

I dusted the look of surprise off my face..Ran back up the stairs and searched quickly for another pair of shoes.

As I'm walking up the stairs, she honks her horn. Right after, I hear her car leave.

I'm FUMING!
I turn on my phone...which, if you have a BB, you know..it takes a minute...
I call her. She then proceeds to tell me she called me and my phone rang and rang. I was like..My phone was off...what are you talking about???
I start yelling. She starts yelling.

I say, I'm not going to argue with you about this.

She says, I know you're not arguing because you're wrong.

I hang up on her. At no point did she ask me if i were okay.

She calls me back 12 times! back to back! I kept ignoring the calls.

She's nuts!

I'll give it a day or so and talk to her because I really don't want to hear it. She's the type..she can't let it die. She's going to revisit it...even if I don't talk to her for a flippin year!

Morning Commute

The things I'm thankful for, I also want to bash my head against a wall for as well.

My mom drives in and drops me off at my connecting train. Lovely, right?

Yes, but it means suffering through her talking incessantly for 30 minutes straight. If she's not talking, she's singing. In case you were wondering, she can't sing. It drives me INSANE.

This morning she told me a girl I grew up with, who is no more than like 300 pounds had gastric bypass. She's 19. She's in the hospital screaming from the pain. Her heart rate isn't stabilized. It is SERIOUS.

Then she's like...why are you so tired?

What time do you get home? You don't go to bed right away?

I'm like...11pm...*answering reluctantly*

Well, why you gotta frown your face up? I'm just asking a question.

Ugh! Don't question me. If I'm tired, let me BE. Funny thing is...she knows all the projects on my plate. Idk maybe she thinks I sprinkle fairy dust and voila!
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I'm Going to End Up Alone Eating Cat Food

I do this.

I push people away.

If I feel you're too clingy, I get suffocated and I need...space.

I love Gi to death. I do...she's a god friend. She's there when I need her BUT she has to text/talk to me every day.

I understand...we used to work together and see each other everyday but sheesh! Its been 6 months and she's not used to me NOT being there.

Its too much sometimes. She texts, she comments on my fb status no matter what it is! She leaves me wall messages saying "I miss you" and oh em gee! Let a sista breeeaaavvveeee! Lol. I just keep thinking...thank God she's not on twitter.

I understand how men feel with women like her. It becomes like a full time job honestly.

Neediness. *shudders*

I know its all about balance but I feel like everyone wants a piece of me at times. when do I get to just relax without text messages going, e-mails coming in, the phone ringing....

Or maybe I forfeited that when I decided to be a freelancer/entrepreneur.

Or maybe I've never outgrown the habit of being a loner. Me and bff have gone weeks without communication living 15 minutes away from each other. I've been spending a lot more time with her because we both need wingmen when we go out. It doesn't mean that we don't love each other or we're not real friends.

It means we're busy.

Gi needs a hobby. I told her this. She didn't get where I was going really.

Like YW said, we all have things to fill our lives so we don't get lonely.
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self-absorbed

I'm exhausted emotionally right now.

I really need a vacation. Some place with sand and surf.

I need to down fruity drinks with umbrellas in it and just laugh with good company. I've been stressed about my funds lately..so so stressed...

I've been worried about my business. I'm worried about everything.

Keep telling myself it will be okay and it will. Come September, I better have some vacay plans locked down. Or else...lol

Having a Child = Bankruptcy + Never Too Old to Poo on Yourself +Fireworks + Back Issues

This weekend was not reeeaaally the relaxed one I was hoping for. Thursday, I ditched the second job to go galavanting around Brooklyn in search for some oils for my facial scrubs. I got lucky and bought some lime oil which was supposed to be a hint of in my strawberry mojito scrub. I put a little too much of it in there and I wasn't going to waste the batch so I'm trying to figure out a new name...

Friday, I had a business meeting at noon. I'm slated to work with a plus-sized fashion magazine as the beauty editor. I'm excited but scared witless...its a start-up so I'm hoping it will get off the ground.
After that, the rain was touch and go. We were supposed to go to Coney Island but we decided against, opting instead, to go to Checkers and then bowling at Harlem Lanes.

Yay! Checkers, my favorite NJ eatery is downtown Brooklyn. It was delicious. 2 meals $10.

The outside of Harlem Lanes looks iffy but the inside is really nice. We played two games...which I kinda sucked at...I'm rusty.

Okay...let me say this. My godsis is a really good kid. She's 15. She's not boy crazy. She doesn't try to wear anything inappropriate. She's a good egg. But...she has no money. Her mother isn't working. My mom was strapped for cash this weekend. So, the burden was on me. Its so much money that goes into another being. Basic necessities: transportation (Darn you MTA for the $2.25 fare now), food...it was a lot.

Anyway, afterwards, we went to sign the MJ wall at the Apollo...

My friend was having a game night in Newark, NJ and J was supposed to take us but he only had 2 seats and it was 3 of us - me, godsis, and bff. So, we decided to go on an adventure and take the PATH train there. So, we pay our fare and are waiting for the train when J calls me.

"Don't come. Its a bunch of old people. Not your crowd."

We were a wee bit disappointed but we left. My friend L is the only straight male friend I have. He's been with his girlfriend for 2 years. He wanted me to meet her at Junior's downtown Brooklyn. I told him we were leaving Manhattan. He said they were eating at Nathan's at Coney Island. I said okay..we'll give you some time but we dontwant to be waiting for you a long time. We decided to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge.

As we're entering the bridge, godsis says that since we spent a lot of money on her that day, she would buy us some ice cream cones. 3 cones $11 (!!!!) I was like hmmm...I'm lactose-intolerant should I risk it? They were like you'll be fine!

It was beautiful. The weather was perfect. I'm usually deathly afraid of heights but it was cool. So..the walk across the bridge took us an hour. As we're about to get off...oh em gee! My stomach starts to cramp up and make goulish noises. I'm scared.

TMI alert. (Skip past this part if you're squeamish.)
So...all I feel is like I'm about to diarrhea on myself and nothing can stop it. I clench my cheeks together and stand really still. My stomach makes a noise like a defeated wounded animal. I was like...great that bought us 90 seconds!

Across from the Brooklyn entrance of the bridge is a diner. We race over there. I'm literally a puddle of sweat. BFF begs the waitress to let me use the bathroom. She's like...sure. If you're a customer. I'm 2 seconds from flinging her my debit card like...go to work. But, godsis and bff go to the counter and buy a water for $2.

I'm in the bathroom for 15 minutes praying every dairy product I've ever eaten is ou of my system and that no one knocks on the door.

I'm good. I leave a godsis looks at me eyes wide, like, do you have any insides left? Lol.

Our feet were hurting. We were exhausted but L my friend still wasn't ready yet. We talked to him at 8pm. It was 9:30. He said he was 10 minutes away. At 9:55 they still weren't there. We left. As godsis and I enter the bus, he calls...

We couldn't wait anymore. He sounded disappointed but oh well.
It was a FULL day.

To be continued...
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Balance + This Weekend

I'm tired.

I want some alone time.

I really just want some QT with my TV, ice cream, and AJAX. Most times, cleaning relaxes me.

But nooooooooo....
I feel like everyone wants a piece of me.

BFF wants to hang out. She's in the house since she lost her job and misses human interaction.

Gi is lonely and wants to hang out.

My godsister wants to go out. She's here from South Carolina.

Its all so MUCH.

This morning my mom called me and asked me for $$ and to help her do something.

I gave it to her and helped her. Then she starts asking about my day. Then she's like, well...it sounds like you have time to help me do this in between.

I got so pissed like...DON'T plan out MY day so I can help YOU.

Can't I have an hour, a day, a morning to myself? Sick of being ON all the time...someone is going to get left out this weekend and it won't be me!
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