uncertain

my time at npr is coming to a close tomorrow.

i found out yesterday.
i have a game plan. i am ready.

i am just so tired.

i should be looking for a job, completing cover letters, being focused...
but i'm reading blogs and allowing myself to be enveloped in other people's lives, instead. i couldn't sleep last night. i was up til about 1 or 2. i got up at 7. i avoided being late to work by the grace of GOD. that's adding to my lethargy about job searching while i'm quelling the fear and nausea that's riding my spine.

i met a guy the same day i cut my hair and went to fff week.
he's different in an artsy way. he's totally NOT my type at all.
he's tall. (check for that)
his hair is all over the place, like don king (minus)
he's in a transitional phase. he said he's lived all over. he's originally from california and he's trying to make it as a musician. he's recently unemployed and is hustling to make it.

i like stability.

he left me this long message on tuesday after we hadn't spoken since the beginning of july saying how he likes me but he's busy and he can make time but he's not sure.

dude...make up your mind.

he hoped i understand because i'm an artist, too.

uh, yeah i do. but....he's socially awkward. things that i would say to my girlfriends or in my head, he says to me. like, the ball is in your court.
i'm not sure if he's bitter because of past relationships or he's just rough around the edges.

we were supposed to go on a low-key date in the park. i think he planned to play his guitar for me. he cancelled last minute because he had a gig.

as i was leaving work, i ran into him. he was passing out flyers for $10 and hour he told me. (who tells people that?)

he then said that he can't run from money..okay sure...i get it.

so, the guy who was passing out flyers came up to us. i met him. he was like...trying to look into my eyes. he was like yo..dude..she's gorgeous.

i blushed and said thank you.

dude said.."she knows..."

i looked at him. that was a weird statement to make, no?

he then invites me to a show he's playing. then he says, his friends will be there...is that okay. it is but, i'm trying to remember rules...should i meet the friends if i'm not sure i like the guy.

i'm not sure if the guy likes me.

its apparent that we are both scattered in many ways and this is a bad time to try and spark something.

however, its different. he's different. i kind of want to try to date guys that are in the same city as me instead of nursing a crush on unattainable men.

*le sigh*

we'll see...i have the perfect..i'm with the rocker outfit. although something tells me he's more musiq soulchild and less lenny kravitz.

i guess we will see!