Smoke then Fire, Pt. 2

So....I get a phone call and its Diva.
She tells me that for a shoot we did 2 weeks ago, we were supposed to be paid $200. The director told us the girl lost her job and could only pay $400. He gave us $70 each, paid the photographer $100 and took $100. Come to find out...she really paid $600. He took $300!!! What did he do for $300, you ask? Well, he ate food, tried to sneak a peek of the model in her underwear, and made random comments....

I'm so pissed, I start cussing in the streets. How dare he?!

Then, the photographer he works with says oh...he's looking to get a new team because we are a bunch of bitches and he can get artists that look better and do better work.

I told Diva...I feel like decking dude in his jaw. She was like...Damn Ni, you're the quiet storm. He looks at me like I'm loud and at the stylist like she's emotional. You seem like the passive one but you're not. I peeped you. You're the type to scheme revenge.

True.

Lol.

I'm just mad...it would've been an extra $130 in my pocket! $130 that I stood on my feet and laboured for in the heat.

She was like, "Nah, Nina, we can't worry about it. He's gonna get his. God don't take too kindly with anyone messing with his babies!"

In this industry, reputation is everything. He tarnished his...early!
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Smoke then Fire

I have an anger inside of me that I'm trying to control. Its hard. I want to smash a couple of people's faces in.

#1. Yesterday, my friend showed at a gallery. It was a benefit for a photographer who is losing her sight due to a rare blood disease.

I should've known it wasn't for me. As I walked into the elevator to go up to the space, a woman was on the elevator with some crazy lashes. She had on a long dress with a fishnet stripe going around it. She wasn't wearing any underwear and you could see her flat butt. It was disturbing. She was nice though. So, I go up and my friend is a painter and jewelry designer. She had her pieces out on a table and her paintings on the wall. Gorgeous pieces. There were 3 seats next to where she was showing. A rude man who had a European accent and was druuuuuunk like a skunk was sitting there. He had shaggy black hair that looked greasy, smudged black eyeliner, tight black shirt, vest, with a bunch of silver chains, tight black skinny jeans, gold peep-toe pumps, and Fendi purse. Ummm....ookay!

J was sitting down next to him. I saw the guy say something and walk away. I asked J what that was about. He said the guy said to him:

Guy:"How are you?"
J: "I'm good and you?"
Guy: Drunk and horny.
J: "Sorry to hear that. I've been there before.
Guy: "Well, my boyfriend is on his way. In the meantime, I have to use the bathroom. What's the chances of me leaving my bag here with all my money in it while a black man is sitting here and I come back and its still here?"
J: "Don't worry. It will still be here when you come back. Not all black men are thieves."
Guy: "Well, if you're still here when I get back, I want a tongue kiss"

J is so unbothered by most things and so calm. Hilarity.

The guy comes back.

"Oh, I guess you were right. Give me a kiss."

J gives him a kiss on the cheek, the gut moves his face and tries to catch J on the lips and then tries to stick his tongue in his mouth.

Yuck.

He hits my arm really hard.

"Hey, I wanna tell you something!"

I want to walk away. If he said some racial ish, it would've been a problem.

»»»Fast Forward

Someone steals one of my friend's jewelry pieces. This random girl standing around in not so many words insinuates its me.

Why? Because when she told me it was stolen, I didn't react. I really wasn't surprised. It was a nice piece and the price tag was $600. No one that she knew was around when it was stolen.

I asked her if she asked the drunk guy. She said oh, I doubt he stole it because when I told him, he reacted.

I said, "Well reaction or no reaction. I didn't take it. XX is my friend and I'm no thief."

Mind you, in my head, I'm thinking...there were other women around. It can't just be because I didn't react. Is it possible that she's singling me out as opposed to everyone else because I'm black? I'm the only black woman besides my friend-the designer for miles. I'm like...nah...relax!

We all go outside. My friend is crying. Her boyfriend is consoling her. She's about to leave and go file a police report. The girl will not stop staring at me. I tell J, rather loudly, "Let's go. This chick keeps staring at me like I'm automatically guilty. I feel like I'm about to smash her face in. I'm not making a scene. So, let's just leave this space."

We leave and I get a phone call that pissed me off further...

To be continued....
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Weekend Recap

So........
i'm effing exhausted.

i can't wait to get home from work...honestly, i don't really remember anything that happened before tomorrow so let me just talk about that.

i had my first video shoot in brooklyn. i think it went smashingly well.

saturday night, of course i couldn't sleep til like 4am. i woke up at 6:30 to get my kit together and get to the set at 8:15. The models came trickling in one by one.

did i mention i had 12 faces + the artist (dude) to do all by myself with no assistants?
umm, yea.

good stuff:
-the main model was gorgeous. her skin was so beautiful. she was a dream to work with. i put on moisturuizer and foundation. it smoothed on great...it was like working with a doll.
-there was FOOD on set. yay! the fried chicken was banging.
-there was an actor/male model on set. he's not a model model...just some dude who's trying to act who was so cute. oh man! i wanted to pinch his booty...lol..but, i restrained myself. i just told him i would fb stalk him. too much?? lol
-most of the models were showered, beautiful, and professional
- i came out of my shell and talked a lot more than i usually do. yay for me!
-i was paid what i was told i would be paid

bad stuff:
-i was initially told shooting would end at 6. we were 3 hours behind so, i thought 9. we didn't end shooting until 11:40pm. i didn't get home til 2:30am.

-i told a model i was going to punch her in the face and i meant it.
oook..let me put this in perspective. i have a lot of patience when it comes to people. i've worked in customer service a long time and i know people talk ish just to talk it. also, there are a lot of stylists, hair artist, mua that if you change what they do to you they go ape-shit. i'm not one of them. i usually just let it rock. well, this girl wanted gold lips. i didn't give them to her. she started having a temper tantrum. then, she put extended the line of her eyes out further after i was done with her. in the midst of her temper tantrum, i said.... #1, you are a model. your job is to be my canvas and look how i want you to look. get it together and suck it up. she didn't heed that advice. #2, i have 12 people to do all by myself. i have a vision of how i want you all to look sitting together and gold lips aren't apart of that vision. #3, listen girl. if you don't get out of my face, i feel like i'm going to punch you and black your eye and then fix it with make-up. stfu.
i lost my cool. everyone stopped and looked at me because it is so far from my character.
i learned something....next time that happens...i'm wiping all the make-up off and i'm telling her she's not shooting. my blood pressure was sky high. i would break that lil girl in 2.

-the stylist, my friend..got shifed. she was underpaid $250....i learned from that...no contract, no work.

- why does the girl with the worst skin not have make-up? 2 girls were there and i swear, i made them look like something...i'm the ish. but it took reaching for the creativity in my pinkie toe, lol.

- the dudes were smoking weed continuously all day. they had pounds of it. and they were smoking it in the trailer where the creative dpt aka me, stylist and hair artist were working. i wanted to say something but it was MANAGEMENT doing it...and umm, THEY were paying ME. smh. rap videos, ftl

-i was on my feet from 8am to 12am.

i'm kind of amazed at myself...12 people right? i only had 5 foundations.. 1 for an extremely light (white) person, 1 for an extremely dark (black) person, 1 for a brown person (me) and 1 for a middle tan person (think latina). and i learned how to blend and blend and buff and buff to make it work.

can't wait to see the video and how it comes out. also a photographer was there taking pics.

today, i opened my etsy store for my homemade scrubs. i'm so excited!
i already have about 4 orders and 2 give-aways.
friday, i got the labels after having a fit at the printer because they messed up the first order.
today, i was running around getting packaging for the scrubs. tomorrow, post office!

yayyyy!

Say Hello....

To Nina 2.0. YW said in a comment on a previous post. I'm changing as a person...yup! This change is a good one I think. I've been less aggressive than I should be because a lot of the people I've been around are older than me and have been in the industry longer. Eff that! I'm just as talented. No one's going to steam roll over me. Just like no one is going to put food in my fridge but me.

Certain days, its like I have a second wind. Between last night and as of right now, I have a contract, model release, labels for my jars, brochures to accompany said jars, a clear business plan for the next couple of months and a brand new way to spin my services. I also put my toe in the back of this shoot director...he has ooohhh...til Wednesday before I put my whole foot in his ass.

I'm really doing this and riding it until the wheels fall off!

On that note. I leave you with this:

As my favorite rapper, Jay Z once said...

"They see me as a premie but I'm not and my nuts big. I'm not to be fucked with!"

"I make no apologies. Crooked policies. So a G, a n***a gotta be...One day you're up. Next day your down. As long as you stay the same, it'll come back around...Oh alright alright... It may not be what you call perfect but its my life. So if ya'll hear my plight. Think you can make it this far without a couple mistakes not always right but I'm always real that's how I sleep at night! Oh alright alright... It may not be what you call perfect but its my life, my life, my life."

"Say hello to the bad guy...I ain't playing. Life's short so I aim....You can't complain about what they ain't gonna get ya. They ain't gonna get shit....You gotta get up, get out and get something n***a. Get a job, n***a"

And they say rap music is vapid, lol.
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A Glimmer

Today, the guy that's doing the logo for my business contacted me out of the blue. Lately, its been all business, so I thought he was contacting me to say...maybe that my joint was ready. Nope.

He was like...What's going on?

I was thinking.."Damn, I need to work to pay this guy. I haven't had any photo shoots this week."

As soon as the thought came, the phone rang.

Diva was on the line. Diva is the hair stylist I work with on the magazine. She's Diva because she wears crazy weaves and her personality is larger than life.

"Listen, hunny...you know I do amazing make-up but I need you to do this girl for me today. Her make-up artist canceled on her last minute. I think she's going to pay you $50 for an hour's worth of work."

It was decent. The shoot is at 12. It was 10:30. I live 30 minutes away from the studio the shoot was taking place at.

Mooooonkey balls!

And I wasn't showered.

When I tell you I got it together in the speed of light!

I got to the studio at 11:55. I call her. She wasn't there.

Let's just cut the boring part. I didn't get picked up til 1:30.

I'm used to it. Just mad that I threw my stuff in my kit when obviously, I could've taken my time...I like order.

Yadda yadda....she doesn't have any base make-up. She bought CoverGirl make-up in tan. Let me say this..the girl was a light skinned black girl. Whyyyyyyyyyy would you buy anything in tan. Honey, that stuff is not for us! I had to mix and match some stuff. There was a slight diff between her face and body. But the rest of the make-up was flawless. She raved about it! She loved it! Everyone on the team likes me.

Blah blah blah....
Its time for me to leave. I'm like...okay, gotta go...great working with you....she's like, yea, thank you soo much!

Umm, no money was exchanged.

Hunh?

Umm, yea.

She calls me later to thank me. No talk of money. So either, she lied to Diva or Diva lied to me. I doubt Diva would lie to me. She's up front and we do a LOT of work together. She wouldn't jeopardize that.

So, yea....can't wait for the pictures.

Let's just say from now on, I will have a contract pre-drawn with my rates so that I don't get stiffed again...

Did I mention I had $10 today. Now, I have $7 til Friday?! Jesus be a chicken wing because this starving artist thing is real!
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Insomnia

For the past three weeks, I haven't been able to sleep until 4 and 5am. Saturday, I was out til 6am. I stayed up and went to church for 9am. Got home at 10:30. Crashed. Woke up at 6. Talked to twin til about 9:30. Went to sleep. Woke up at 8 on yesterday. So, I thought that maybe my sleep pattern had finally gotten back to normal. Nope. 4am found me struggling to sleep. This was after a 4mile walk with J across NYC. I was so tired in my body but my mind was like a child that wanted to keep playing. Hyper. Hyper. I wanted to bash my head against a wall.

So, I get to sleep and I dreamt that I was competing against the transman's (I think I'll name him Vice) ex who is a major contender in my category. She's been in it for over 10 years. She spit in my face and I beat her so bad people had to get me off of her. The force of whomever pulling me off of her woke me up. Crazy.

Which reminds me...Sunday, I had a dream that people kept coming to my house and I would give them food and blankets. These people were homeless or poor. In the dream, I was asleep and I woke up to find these 3 random girls from my childhood in my living room. They said my mom had let them in. They were eating hot dogs or something. I told them to leave. As they were leaving, the dude whose lap I was sitting on was at my door. He was homeless. I gave him some blankets and food. I gave him a key (!!!) to my apartment. Then, scared, I went back to sleep with a machete in my hand. I was so freaked out, I woke up.

Twin says I should be evaluated. My dreams are always vivid. He swears I'm on something...lol.
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9 and 1/2 Reasons

So, later, I'm outside and this dude...he competes in the beauty category..he's effing gorgeous! He's talking to my friend and she's like we're having babies. I was like NOOO...he said we were having babies a long time ago! Back off!

So, she goes...are you man enough to handle us?

He goes....I have a 9 1/2 inch cut...I think I'm good.

My mouth drops.

Twin goes...Please, bitch! You're so gay, you get next to a pussy and go soft.

I think the dude got offended.

I go..."Well for 9 and 1/2 inches, we'll put gay porn on the tv and go to town." I said that maaad loud.

The dude looks at me like...you said that kinda loud.

Everyone is staring at me. I'm like...what? Like you wouldn't...

My friend goes...my mouth was watering just thinking abt that shit...

Everyone laughs...

Who is this girl and what did she do with me?
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Continued

So, its 3:30 in the morning and I find myself sitting on the lap of a man who is my type to the tee. He's 6"6, dark chocolate, facial hair, cute and just everything I want. Gay. I know this. So why I was sitting on his lap, rubbing his head and whispering in his ear....I had no idea.

He was like..."You need to stop. I haven't fucked a girl in a long time. You're gonna be mad if I put it in the wrong hole. You're too gorgeous to be playing with boys like me."

He had a point.

Jesus, the wheel. Take it. Clearly, I'm out of control!
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Love to Love Ya, Babay....(TMI Alert)

Lately, I've been beyond horny. I don't know why but its like a dude can breathe on me the wrong way and I'm like..."Let's go!"

But its like...thank God for self-control.

I keep talking myself out of doing something I'll regret. So far, I've been good but I'm not sure how long I will last. I'm scared about what will happen if someone I'm really really attracted to pushed up.

Blair called me last night. I didn't pick up. I know what he wants. Its so easy to say no by not picking up th phone f he pushed up in person..with his shiny skin, perfect smile and muscles...ummm...I don't know if I'll have that self-control. Its things like being kissed, being hugged, being held that I miss. Add 9 and 1/2 inches to that....and....wheeew(Bad joke..I'll explain in a minute)
+++++++++
Ok...so my weekend recap:
Friday, I hung out Wynsters the Tigress for a beat until BFF was supposed to call me to hang out with her and her good friend from college. Well, yea, she never called but J did. J and I ended up walking from W4 and Bleecker St to Bowling Green...basically for about 2 hours. He'd been trying to talk to me about his new business venture that he wants me to be apart of and yes, I'm hella excited. Before we could get to that, I let out all my frustration about the BFF situation. He was like...your problem is that you EXPECTED some things from her and maybe you shouldn't do that.

He was right.

I was just like...I never talk to any of you guys about my problems so if I call you and I need to talk, you better talk to me because I might be on the verge of blowing my brains out.

Anywhosies...Saturday was the Latex Ball. I didn't want to go. I didn't feel like being around the gays. I didn't want to spend the money on it. Fine. Fine. Fine. All week my friends were pressuring me to go. I gave in at the last minute.

I figured...it was a chance to do drag make-up. Where yellow eye shadow and tight slutty clothes and be fab.

Soooooo...I'm mingling having fun....

Highlights of the night:
I met Letoya Luckett (sp) and Estelle. Letoya's skin!! Omg. She's so pretty. Estelle is my height! She's tiny. I love her. She's so cool.

There's this transman...a natural born woman who transitioned into being a man....he has a beard, an adam's apple, his breasts removed..the works...whom I have a pretty big crush on. I have no idea why or how I allowed myself to have these feelings for him. I mean..its clear I find him attractive...he's sexy but below the belt I think he has his umm...lady parts??? We were on a discussion panel together about women/butch women/transmen in the ballroom scene. He flirted with me. I flirted back a bit. Everyone was like Bombshell: Nina's straight. He was like...word?!

I didn't think anything of it. He said earlier that his type of woman is thin/in shape, beautiful and tall in not so many words. Ummm...1 out of 3 is...horrible.

So, anyways...I was in the village last month with Gi. She's 2 out of 3. He was trying to get Twin to get him the hook up. So, I was like....yea...no hope for me but the crush was still there.
(that's him, pic to be removed in 48hours)

So...Saturday, I saw him. It was so unexpected. I gave him a kiss on the cheek. He was like...wow...cover those up! (My breasts) I shook them at him. He was like...Keep playing, I'll put my face in between them. I was like...wow, let me go. Somehow, I ended up next to him and I was squeezing his butt. It was really soft. He was like. Yooo....you like dudes like me? I thought you were straight. I was like "you are so sexy. I can't help myself." He was like so are you. I left for real this time.

The lust was like adrenaline in my veins. I was going to get myself in trouble for real. I'm not sure if there would ever be a relationship between us outide of a sexual thing which is really really not what I'm about, right?!

More highlights later...

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staring at his lips like a psycho (lol)

I want to taste the salt of your lips
And fall into them like pillow top beds
Soft
They nurture me
Until I am too tired to fight it any longer

I want to kiss you
Soft and sweet
Hard and long
Rough until lips are blistered
Bruised
Hurting
The most intense aching behind them

I want to touch my lips to the warm skin of your neck
And trace my tongue is small circles behind your ear
Nibble your ear lobe
Nuzzle my face into that space between your collarbone and throat

I want to grab your face
I want to bite
To lick your lips
I want close my eyes and let you take me
Wherever whenever whatever

One single
small
Solitary kiss

The Girl in the Bubble

I got up today with a bit more fight in me. A bit more joy. I talked to a friend about what I am feeling in an honest and candid way. She said some things that were encouraging like in a real soul-hug way. If you know me, you know that I deflect. I never talk about myself in fluorescent lights (meaning where you see everything.) So, it was good to have some that I don't really know like that be that encouraging and warm.

So, I got up, showered and did my make-up which looks effing hot!

I put on a short skirt which I've only worn like twice. I feel so weird in it. Headed out the door. BFF's friend Toni texts me out of the blue.

T: We need an intervention for our girl.

Me: Why?

T: She's still seeing Punjabi.

Me: I kinda figured

T: No I KNOW. I'm sick of her being so gullable. I'm tired of this shit. I love her dearly. She is like my sister, but her and there relationships with men that treat her like shyt is really bothering me

Me: Let me tell you exactly what I think....I'm tired. I have been there for BFF even in times that you were not. I have spent hooooouuuuuurrrrrs talking to her. Trying to talk sense into her. I'm all talked out. So...what do you want to do? Take her phone? Lock her in her room? Went thru this w/ExHusband and now Punjabi. Until BFF gets some self-esteem. Until she gets a backbone, there will be another one like this. I kept asking her why...she doesn't know. So, I don't know. What I do know is that I can't change someone. They have to change themselves. I can't fight someone for themselves. So, I offer my ear. My opinion. But it doesn't matter

T: I feel the same. From now on I am going to tell her that unless she makes a change within, she always stay in the situation. I have known BFF longer than anyone, and for as long as I have known her she has always been the type to bend over backwards for other people, and over the course of recent years she has let people break her back. I just don't want to hear anything about Punjabi or ExHusband EVER again! The reason why I limit myself and why she will tell you things, and eventually tell me is because I don't make time for BULLSHIT! And she knows my personality! It has just been bothering me with the recent situation

Me:I know this. Maybe you're right. Maybe I put up with bs from her. I have my own issues w/her right now. I'm going thru some major SHIT in my life right now. Does she care? No. She only calls to talk abt her problems. So...maybe I need to get over it. But, for now I just need space from the whole thing.I don't have any fight left. Not even for myself. So...I'm working on that

As I'm texting Toni. I get on the bus to get to the train. This guy has been eyeing me on the bus. He get off the same stop as me. I get nervous. I've been stalked before. Its not nice. I'm just happy I'm not going home this time. I try and walk slower. He falls back.

He finally says. "You are very beautiful. Can I talk to you?". He has a thick accent. I'm not pleased. I hate all accents except )(some)British and Bermudian accents. Hmmm...I'm prejudice but I can't help it.

I say, "No thanks." I walk away.

He says, "I have a big dick. Can I have your number now?"

Before I could turn around all the way, he was about to cross the street but missed being hit by a car by a hair.

Divine intervention? Lol

What the eff is wrong with people?
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colors

we paint ourselves in the colors
of the rainbow
hoping to attract
the one who will love us
until we strip ourselves of all the
people we pretend to be
and relish in our own colors
and be the people we were meant to be

cakeface

the tears crack the
layers
of this face i carefully apply each morning

and i peel back
the strong

and i quiet the heart that
beats and pounds
inside my chest

and i wonder
i if am enough
to chase the demons away.

i long for talks with my father
about how he made it through
deep down, i know, i will too

but first i must get on the other side of this night
i must dry the tears
i must paint the face
you are most comfortable with.

i mend the cracks
trim the hedges
company's coming over
that's when we clean the house.

could you not wait one hour

i give of myself
until
i have nothing left
i give myself
the
scraps of sanity

i tell myself over and over
that i will persevere
endure

as i swim against the tide
with each stroke
i become fatigued
i can not yield to the waves crashing against me

i can nt surrender myself to the see

i must
i shall
i will

and i wonder
why
i give
the better part of myself
to friends
to lovers
to brothers
sisters

until there is nothing left
but the bare bones

i look into my own eyes
in cloudy mirrors
and i understand the meaning of
growing pains

and i wonder
if i will change

then i look myself in the eyes
i'm getting stronger by the day

the one who walked away

I cried for you
when I found out that
she was pregnant
and
although it had been 2 years since
we were together
i remember thoughts and
feelings of knowing
you would be my eternal lover

i'm a virgin
at least that's what
i tell my mother

and now you are the father
to another
woman's child

and all i have are memories

i sip the wine of out past dalliances
in rememberance of you

i wish i did not know
the feeling of a heart breaking
in two.

as i reconcile the fact
that once and for all
i've lost you

i pray for divine cpr
resuscitate in my
oh Lord
the desire to love again
the will the patience
to let another in

to no longer waste teardrops
on the one who walked away

reciprocal

so.................................................................
i was kind of in a good mood yesterday. the only thing that brings me joy these days is make-up. funny funny.

it was a gawgeous evening. i asked bff to come out and just walk around the city with me.

she hemmed and hawed until i was like...forget it. she was like, oh tomorrow...we'll do whatever you want.

i flashed to last week thursday when i was on my way home. she asked me to come over to her house. i gave her fever because it was late and i was tired. but i went. it was a total waste of my time because she was on the phone with her cousin and she had something on her mind but it was taking the jaws of life to pry it out of her. nevertheless, i was there.

that was the same night i yelled at her. i was frustrated. i was like...BFF What's going on in my life? She blinked and said she didn't know. i thought i had gotten through to her but then she went on to talk about something else going on with her.

i think God is teaching me something....SELF-RELIANCE and the meaning of RESILIENCE. or maybe He's trying to get me to talk to Him more. what ever the case is...i'm learning. each and every day i choose to go on, i'm learning more and more.

so...anyway...i went for a walk by myself and i stopped at union square and sat down and wrote some poems which i will post shortly.

Fistful of Tears

I am in a foul mood for shame today.



As I was lugging my make-up case home after a looong day. I thought about it...this period of my life, from January until now has been the most difficult for me. Every other day, I contemplate whether or not I should loose myself to the sea (Kate Chopin, "The Awakening" -style)

In all of my post-toddler years, I haven't cried so much. I haven't felt doubt, fear, terror as much as I have these days.

I feel like crap on a stick.

Sometimes, I just don't know.
I talk about loneliness more because I thought it was something I could control..my love life...more than my professional life.

I can't control either.

I just eat it. I eat everything I feel because geez...all of my friends are going through their own crap. I tried to talk to my mom. She asked me why I don't.

SO, I told her I was having dreams of being stabbed in my apartment over and over. I haven't fallen asleep before 2/3am no matter how tired I am since I got laid off. I told her I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone but God.

She looked at me. She got all scared and was like...you hold your mace in your hand when you come home right? I wasn't sure what other response I was expecting.

I told her that I want to live off of my make-up artistry.

The first words out of her mouth were, "You can't make it."

I looked like she slapped me across the face.

She was like.."I don't mean that! You just got to know what looks good on people of different skin tones."

I told her I do.

"Tell me what do you know about skin?"

I felt attacked. It was like high school all over again.

I feel like I am trying to move mountains. I'm trying to fight against the current so hard. I'm trying..struggling...struggling....

Today, I had a photo shoot. It was literally, from 10am to 4pm. I thought I was going to be paid $200. I was paid $70. It was like....whoa.......I was able to pay the bills I needed to pay but I still have people I owe. Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up as early as I can to go and apply for food stamps.

Hope that since I don't make $7 an hour, I won't be denied. If you speak while looking in my fridge...there is a definite echo.

Sometimes, I just want a friend to take me to get drinks. I want to look them in the eye and tell them everything that's going on. I don't want them to tell me its okay. I don't want them to figure out a solution. I just want them to listen. Look me in the eyes back and be sincere. I don't want anything from anyone except to be there for me.

BFF, I know she's going through a lot. She has called me and has talked to me for literally 3 hours about herself. She is in Louisiana til tomorrow and I know I shouldn't feel this way but it felt like a much needed break from her. That extra burden is gone. She text(ed) me. She was like..."Thank you. You are always there for me. I love you." It was nice.

I know why God hasn't placed a person in my life. I can't even handle some of my friendships right now. Iknow I can't handle a relationship.

I just know that I am going through something extremely profound. I know that once I get through it, whatever is on the other side will be worth all the stress and the tears I'm shedding today. Even the disciples flaked on Jesus. I guess, what else could I expect....

No comments, guys..I just want to vent.

Today was a Good Day.

So was yesterday.

And good days are like dandelions floating in the sky. When you find one, you hold to them and make a wish.

:)
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Train Wreck + It Takes a Village to Keep a Friend

I need to get it together.

I told Gi at work today that I was depressed. She asked my why?

I was dumb-founded. Does she not understand what the eff is going on in my life?

Or maybe she's just not paying attention.

I wanted to end my friendship with her right there because its like.....come on! It really is common sense.

Earlier today, around 3, I wrote a rambling post about how no one listens to me and no one lends me their ear completely. I saved it as a draft because I didn't think it was that serious.

YW said people don't understand why other people are sad if they are happy. It kinda makes sense but I think its selfish. Any fool can see why this period in my life is difficult.

Gi doesn't know me. Nope, not at all.


This is the worst summer of my life so far. I'm really just happy to have life.

At work, BFF called me. She was lonely. It was 6:30 and her bff since elementary school hadn't called or seen her today. Really, what kind of mess is that? Your best friend of 18 years or something crazy like that just had a life-altering experience and you don't call or text her all day! And its your day off. I told her..."Its okay BFF. You know who to rely on. That heffa just took your place of who I was going to push down the stairs this week. When it is time for you to have a child...I better be godmama. Shooot!" She cracked up so hard. I was happy to have made her smile.

Twin called me later on to tell me how his day went. We were talking as I was tinkering with the other blog. He said, "Nina, how are you really? You sound like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders."

Even though he's gay and he probably would punch me in the face...I could've kissed him on the lips.
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Tuesday at 8 AM

BFF called me last night, her heart in turmoil. Would she or wouldn't she? She wasn't sure. I didn't want to make the decision for her or for her to make the wrong one.

The writing was on the wall.

A mistake is only a mistake if you make it once. It was a mistake for her to love him. It was wrong for her to continue to sleep with him after she knew he had a woman at home. He would never be hers.

I don't borrow money. I hate to give it back. I don't understand how anyone could borrow a man.

She said he couldn't go inside with her. He's a cop and he had his gun and knife on him.

Who the EFF brings a gun and a knife to an abortion clinic?

She was there, waiting alone for a bit. I was nervous. Not sure if she would change her mind. Not sure if he would change it for her. Not sure if she were scared, sad...she said there were so many women there. Waiting. I think she felt some comfort in that.

She text me.
Everything is fine. I'm a bit loopy.

I came to her house as quickly as I could.

"He's here," she said as she met me at the door.

He greeted me. "Don't speak to me," I said...the disgust dripping from each word.

The rage built up inside of me and I wanted to pummel him with my fists. I wanted to say the things I knew she never would.

It wasn't my place.

I watched her with him. How she smiled at him. How she batted her eyes. She laughed at his jokes.

She still loves him. She will stay with him. Probably.

I wanted to slap her. Slap sense into her. Slap esteem. Slap outrage. Slap the knowledge that she could walk away. She doesn't have to settle. Still, they talked about nothing. Talked about ....nothing.

And so, I got up. He avoided my eyes. I did her dishes. I straightened up her kitchen. I gave her the tightest hug I could muster. I felt her ribs poking me.

"I love you more than anything else," I said.

"Don't you forget it," she responded.

I promised her ice cream after work.

"You have no money. I know. I can tell," she said.

"Butter pecan and vanilla. I'll see you soon." All I can offer her is ice cream, a shoulder, an ear. All I can be is a friend.

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Sunday

Was such an interesting day....

I was really discouraged. My mood was so contrary. I pushed myself to go to church. I saw this girl who I saw on Monday. She copied my make-up look and she did it wrong. And yes, I have a make-up blog where I show you how to achieve my make-up looks but that's different from blatantly copying my look and then looking me in the face and not acknowledging that you swagger-jacked me...I was annoyed. Chick didn't even speak! Ugh!

So....I was forcing myself to break out of my funk. Get out of my rude mood. Whatever. Whatever.

The minister's message was about moving forward. He was like...

"Some of you...its a hard time in your life right now. Its a hard time to follow Jesus. You have a choice: to go backwards to where you came from or go to the cross. We get discouraged and run to sex, run to weed, run to liquor, run to drugs. God wants us to run to him."

That really comforted me because I am really trying not to slap someone down.

That was the moment I decided to take a Me-Day. Call out of life for the rest of the evening. Why not? I deserved it!
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A Man Will Try

Sunday afternoon, I get a text from KappaGuy.

KG:So bored with this rain...lol. Wat r u doing today??
Me:In bed. A rare day of relaxation. KG:Lol, me too...im wasting the day away watching tv...lol.

-fluff fluff fluff-

KG: And oh yeah...I don't appreciate u exposing the womanizer song on facebook...u better stop before I come over and harass you...lol (I call him what he is...Womanizer by Britney Spears)

Me: I'm not afraid of the likes of you

KG: Lmao...im only 3 blocks away you know...you'll get a spanking...lol.

Me:Uhhh no! You don't get those priviledges.

KG:Lol...damn...not even if I promise to lick whip cream of of it first??? Lol.

Me: I'm sure you have plenty of umm...contestants for that game show.

KG: Lmao...no I don't...u always say that but it's not true...smh.

Me: Say what you want...I know the deal...lol

KG: Lol, I give up...you kill my hopes and dreams...all of my high school fatacies gone to waste... :(

(Dude: FANTASIES???)

Me: You could always put a ring on it, lol.

KG: Lol, stop lying...u kno u don't want me too...smh.

Me:You're a good catch if you would allow yourself to be caught. But you don't want to hear that from me

KG: Lol...and im caught by seduction...u know how I am...lol

Me: There you go. End of this conversation. Just that quickly..tisk tisk

KG: Lmao...I was telling u that's wat normaly happens to me, it's the truth...lol. So wat r u doing?? Im watching The Incredibles on the disney channel...super bored

(I have a problem with people telling me they're bored...read a damn book!)

Me: Seduction is lust and it doesn't last. Perhaps you should try something else. But what do I know? I'm siiiiiingle...lol. Wanna go for a walk?

KG: Where to??

Me: Wherever we end up, lol...let's have a real conversation and let our feet do the walking...lol.

KG: Ok kool...im doing my laundry right now tho...hopefully I won't take too long...ill call u up if it's not too late....

Me: I need to throw something on anyway

(This was at 5:45pm)

At 7:15, I sent a text saying I was dressed.

At 7:45, I called him.

At 7:58:
KG:My bad I had to head downtown for a minute, im gonna call u right back

Me:No...no worries...its getting cold. I think I'm in for the night.

And then I turned my phone off.
I.am.so.DONE.
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Culmination of a Rough Week

The phone's vibration under my leg woke me up.

"Blair," the caller ID announced. I looked at the clock. "8:55 AM"

I answered, the frog in my throat unmistakable.

"Hello," I wondered what he wanted. Had I been awake, I probably could have guessed.

"Nina," my name rolled off his tongue in his usual seductive tone. I saw him in my mind. Tall, dark, bald, full lips, strong arms, back, smooth skin, beautiful smile. I blinked.

"Yes, Blair...what's wrong?" I still didn't get it.

"I just woke up. I'm horny. Can you come over?"

"What? No, I actually have to get up and ready for church."

"Can you see me before church?"

"Are you serious?" I laughed. Clearly, I am NOT smooth before 10am.

"No, I'm sorry. I can't. I'll talk to you later, Blair."

"I miss you."

I laughed and hung up.

I ended up being more rude than I'd intended.

I just realized I only put lotion on my face. Which means I'm on my way to church with ashy arms and feet....Thank God I chose to wear pants today.

Maybe,I was distracted.
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