Monday, August 10, 2009

Fistful of Tears

I am in a foul mood for shame today.

As I was lugging my make-up case home after a looong day. I thought about it...this period of my life, from January until now has been the most difficult for me. Every other day, I contemplate whether or not I should loose myself to the sea (Kate Chopin, "The Awakening" -style)

In all of my post-toddler years, I haven't cried so much. I haven't felt doubt, fear, terror as much as I have these days.

I feel like crap on a stick.

Sometimes, I just don't know.
I talk about loneliness more because I thought it was something I could love life...more than my professional life.

I can't control either.

I just eat it. I eat everything I feel because geez...all of my friends are going through their own crap. I tried to talk to my mom. She asked me why I don't.

SO, I told her I was having dreams of being stabbed in my apartment over and over. I haven't fallen asleep before 2/3am no matter how tired I am since I got laid off. I told her I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone but God.

She looked at me. She got all scared and was hold your mace in your hand when you come home right? I wasn't sure what other response I was expecting.

I told her that I want to live off of my make-up artistry.

The first words out of her mouth were, "You can't make it."

I looked like she slapped me across the face.

She was like.."I don't mean that! You just got to know what looks good on people of different skin tones."

I told her I do.

"Tell me what do you know about skin?"

I felt attacked. It was like high school all over again.

I feel like I am trying to move mountains. I'm trying to fight against the current so hard. I'm trying..struggling...struggling....

Today, I had a photo shoot. It was literally, from 10am to 4pm. I thought I was going to be paid $200. I was paid $70. It was like....whoa.......I was able to pay the bills I needed to pay but I still have people I owe. Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up as early as I can to go and apply for food stamps.

Hope that since I don't make $7 an hour, I won't be denied. If you speak while looking in my fridge...there is a definite echo.

Sometimes, I just want a friend to take me to get drinks. I want to look them in the eye and tell them everything that's going on. I don't want them to tell me its okay. I don't want them to figure out a solution. I just want them to listen. Look me in the eyes back and be sincere. I don't want anything from anyone except to be there for me.

BFF, I know she's going through a lot. She has called me and has talked to me for literally 3 hours about herself. She is in Louisiana til tomorrow and I know I shouldn't feel this way but it felt like a much needed break from her. That extra burden is gone. She text(ed) me. She was like..."Thank you. You are always there for me. I love you." It was nice.

I know why God hasn't placed a person in my life. I can't even handle some of my friendships right now. Iknow I can't handle a relationship.

I just know that I am going through something extremely profound. I know that once I get through it, whatever is on the other side will be worth all the stress and the tears I'm shedding today. Even the disciples flaked on Jesus. I guess, what else could I expect....

No comments, guys..I just want to vent.

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