But its like...thank God for self-control.
I keep talking myself out of doing something I'll regret. So far, I've been good but I'm not sure how long I will last. I'm scared about what will happen if someone I'm really really attracted to pushed up.
Blair called me last night. I didn't pick up. I know what he wants. Its so easy to say no by not picking up th phone f he pushed up in person..with his shiny skin, perfect smile and muscles...ummm...I don't know if I'll have that self-control. Its things like being kissed, being hugged, being held that I miss. Add 9 and 1/2 inches to that....and....wheeew(Bad joke..I'll explain in a minute)
Ok...so my weekend recap:
Friday, I hung out Wynsters the Tigress for a beat until BFF was supposed to call me to hang out with her and her good friend from college. Well, yea, she never called but J did. J and I ended up walking from W4 and Bleecker St to Bowling Green...basically for about 2 hours. He'd been trying to talk to me about his new business venture that he wants me to be apart of and yes, I'm hella excited. Before we could get to that, I let out all my frustration about the BFF situation. He was like...your problem is that you EXPECTED some things from her and maybe you shouldn't do that.
He was right.
I was just like...I never talk to any of you guys about my problems so if I call you and I need to talk, you better talk to me because I might be on the verge of blowing my brains out.
Anywhosies...Saturday was the Latex Ball. I didn't want to go. I didn't feel like being around the gays. I didn't want to spend the money on it. Fine. Fine. Fine. All week my friends were pressuring me to go. I gave in at the last minute.
I figured...it was a chance to do drag make-up. Where yellow eye shadow and tight slutty clothes and be fab.
Soooooo...I'm mingling having fun....
Highlights of the night:
I met Letoya Luckett (sp) and Estelle. Letoya's skin!! Omg. She's so pretty. Estelle is my height! She's tiny. I love her. She's so cool.
There's this transman...a natural born woman who transitioned into being a man....he has a beard, an adam's apple, his breasts removed..the works...whom I have a pretty big crush on. I have no idea why or how I allowed myself to have these feelings for him. I mean..its clear I find him attractive...he's sexy but below the belt I think he has his umm...lady parts??? We were on a discussion panel together about women/butch women/transmen in the ballroom scene. He flirted with me. I flirted back a bit. Everyone was like Bombshell: Nina's straight. He was like...word?!
I didn't think anything of it. He said earlier that his type of woman is thin/in shape, beautiful and tall in not so many words. Ummm...1 out of 3 is...horrible.
So, anyways...I was in the village last month with Gi. She's 2 out of 3. He was trying to get Twin to get him the hook up. So, I was like....yea...no hope for me but the crush was still there.
(that's him, pic to be removed in 48hours)
So...Saturday, I saw him. It was so unexpected. I gave him a kiss on the cheek. He was like...wow...cover those up! (My breasts) I shook them at him. He was like...Keep playing, I'll put my face in between them. I was like...wow, let me go. Somehow, I ended up next to him and I was squeezing his butt. It was really soft. He was like. Yooo....you like dudes like me? I thought you were straight. I was like "you are so sexy. I can't help myself." He was like so are you. I left for real this time.
The lust was like adrenaline in my veins. I was going to get myself in trouble for real. I'm not sure if there would ever be a relationship between us outide of a sexual thing which is really really not what I'm about, right?!
More highlights later...
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile