friday/saturday

My boss placed my weekly earnings on the table in front of me and that Just Got Paid song instantly sang in my mind. I raced home, walked the dog, showered, changed and rode the iron horse up to Harlem for Editor's birthday dinner. I gave this nice peachy glowy makeup look which fit her soft beige tutu and lace shirt outfit very well.

OMG!! The weather is spectacular right now! It was warm enough to be out in a leopard dress with a black flowy top over it and not catch a chill once. I had on some killer (literally...the killed me!) 5in black pumps on. We ate at a Brazilian restaurant and the perused the city for some stuff to do.

Bored ass adults are just as bad as bored ass kids.
Editor and MF (a friend of hers) smoked weed in a back corner while I do what I do best...take pictures of myself and get other people to take pics of me too. lol

We ended up at a predominantly white club called Lair in the city where and Indian dude pushed up on me and the host kept moving us out of "private" areas so...we left. I took a cab home and all was well. We had a freakin blast!

(Pics will be taken down on Friday)

A Saint Anthony shrine in Little Italy. I have no clue who Saint Anthony is but his shrine is pretty.

(photos removed)

I get home late. Wake up early and go to dance rehearsal. I go to get some ice cubes for a drink when I come home and all the food in my freezer/refrigerator has gone bad.
I had no time to clean everything out because we have a big dance to do this Sunday so...I rush out to dance rehearsal. I come home and clean everything out.

I call my mom to tell her what's up.

"Why did you call me about this? What can I do?"

"Can you give me the number to the refrigerator guy?"

She asks me about money. I get upset. We argue. I hang up on her. She calls back. I ignore her. I cry. I call BFF. I cry some more.

An hour later...she gives me the damn number! I call. He doesn't pick up.

I become numb.
I am tired of asking her to be something to be me she just can't be. I am tired of always being strong and stoic. I resolve in my mind...that nothing matters. I stop crying, clean everything and go to bed in a semi-numb stupor.

What DE Hell?

I woke up this morning with a scratch in my throat. By the time I got to work it was a full-on cold. The pharmacist told me it wasn't a cold and to just take some sore throat drops. By the time I got home, I have a bitchin headache and a fever. I am no good sick (You guys know this). HELP!

Because I feel like poo...of course I canceled the date with DK. I can't have him seeing me with half-dazed eyes, runny nose and reduced to a child with silent pleadings...of HELP ME!

Its too early to expect him to take care of me.

Something is wrong with my fridge. My freezer is melting.I checked the thermostat...it works fine. I turned off the power from the fuse box and then turned it on...that's fine. All the food in it has gone bad...what can I do? I'm sick! AND I just went grocery shopping last week! My joint is fully stocked! *sigh*

I found out my grandmother is back in the hospital. She was sitting alone n the house for 2 days before her landlord found her and called an ambulance. How did he expect I would know? He didn't even have the courtesy to call me. Geez Louise. To be honest, I didn't even feel bad/sad/genuine concern. Just tired. I tell her to call me if she needs anything. When I call her she lies and says everything is fine. WTF??? I am not a mind-reader and that "I'm old and made so many mistakes that I deserve to be sad and rot away in my house" thing is TIRED...and so am I.

I left mad comments on everyone's blog and they didn't go through.

Oh, and the cherry on top is that my phone won't charge with the wall charger. It only charges from my computer. Why yes! This is the new phone I just got like a week ago. It literally takes 8 hours to charge fully from the computer and an hour to charge from the wall.

#Jesusbeatropicalislandandacolddrink

I feel like I just can't deal. I don't even wanna tell my mom/the landlord because all I'm gonna hear is how I don't give her any money and I expect a light in the hallway and working refrigerators. May the Lord strengthen me because its true...when it rains, it pours.

On ze bright side. rocky made me laugh today...i was walking him for about 20 minutes and then we got back to my house...he ran to the grass and just laid in it....his tongue sticking out like he was in heaven. He is such a joy to have around.

know your role

(continuation from last night)


Inner Goddess: We have a new booyyyyyyyfriend.
Me: No we don't. We have a nice guy we're going to date. He's not our boyfriend.
Inner Goddess: *pouts*

I boarded the train and sat with all intention of writing a post about my date with DK.

Inner Goddess: *cabbage patches* We have a boyyyfriend. I said a boyyyyfriend.
Me: Shut up! How old are you anyway?
Inner Goddess: *hums* mmm mmm mmm a boyyyyyyyyyyfriend.

*man walks on train* *sits across from me*

Dude: Excuse me sista...can I talk to you? I hope its no bother.
Me: Its no bother.
Inner Goddess: No bother at all because YOU FINE!

He was at least 6 feet tall, dark-skinned, neatly dressed in jeans, gray cardigan with a white shirt underneath and clean white sneakers. His hair was a low fade and his goatee was neatly trimmed. What I kept staring at was his full juicy lips. They were the type of lips a girl like me (thin-lipped) could get lost in.

Dude:Do you have a man?
Inner Goddess: YES!
Me: No
Dude: You're too cute to be on this train by yourself this late.Where are you coming from?
Me: A date with this guy
Dude: Oh, is he special?
Inner Goddess: YES!
Me: Not sure yet. We'll see where it goes.

He then proceeds to tell me about his girlfriend of 17months who hates children because she's not able to have them and how she doesn't really like his son even though his son lives with him and his girl. He then proceeded to tell me about how he's trying to get out of that situation and he's looking for a friend. And can I be that friend? All my instincts said run but when he asked for my number, I gave it to him.

To prove to IG that DK is NOT my boyfriend. He is just someone I am currently dating.
that I happen to like.

Today, we had Bible Study and afterward, I told a girl my church about TN, the end of my celibacy, him taking advantage of me, the aftermath...how I felt so disconnected from God and how I didn't want that to happen again. I feel lust for DK and my natural instinct is to feed on that feeling - make it grow big and strong and then cut it up into juicy steaks and feast on it for days. (if you catch my drift)

She said a lot to me about the situation but the one thing that stuck out to me was something our pastor said to her:

"Do whatever you want. If you want to go to the club, drink, have sex...do it. God will forgive you but He will not use you. Do you want to be forgiven and live in whatever sin you feel like doing or do you want to be used by God?"

I'm so disrespectful...my first thought was "I want to do whatever I want and be forgiven." but that's not REALLY what I want. I thought about my dance and how I love to dance to glorify God and how heartbreaking it would be to dance to glorify God and to show others His love and magnificence and no one gets anything out of it. Worse, God says..."Oh yea, you're moving really pretty but I don't get anything out of it. No one feels anything."

So, I have a choice. DK wants me to go to his house tomorrow after work to chill and hang out. I know I usually fall into the trap where I want to have sex but that is ME.I initiate it (in all cases except for Blair and TN)... and so I can choose not to go to his house and figure out a date out that's cheap and fun or I can choose to go and trust myself. Talking to my friend, I told her this...

Me: I like being affectionate. I love to kiss and hug.Kissing and hugging leads to other things.
CP: Why do you feel the need to be affectionate?
Me: Because it makes me feel wanted when I am and they are back to me.
CP: That's a legitimate need. How did you fall into that pattern with your last relationship? You didn't just one day open your legs out the blue.
Me: Right. I let him touch me and then I let him see me naked and then I let him do oral and then he penetrated me and it was too far but it was also too late and he didn't stop.
DN (another friend): You need to be upfront about where you are and have control of your actions so he knows you're serious. If you feel like you're allowing yourself to go too far, stop.
CP: You guys should be group-dating. That'll take the pressure off.
Me: Yes but we don't have friends in common.
DN: You need to trust yourself. Stop and think instead of living in the moment and then regretting it once you're done. Its not worth it.
Me: Its not.
CP: Living the way we do - being celibate and living for Christ - it takes sacrifice. The things we sacrifice are the things we really like to do.

The conversation went on....

Inner Goddess: Why do you like sex?
Me: I don't really LIKE sex. I like foreplay. I like making men's bodies shudder. I like exploring and playing but the actual penetration bit means nothing to me.
Inner Goddess: So, why do you do it if you don't get much out of it?
Me: Most of the time with TN, I did it because he liked it. He never made me climax or anything but I compromised because I didn't want to lose him.
Inner Goddess: Sad.
Me: I know.

DN: Yea, don't be afraid of losing men because you're not ready or don't want to have sex. If they leave, let them leave because clearly their motives were all wrong.
Inner Goddess: Kindly leave my head. Please and thank you.
CP: Its true. Most women have sex to keep a relationship going when if you take that away, there's no real relationship.
DN: For me, it was..okay, you know I'm a Christian and I want to wait til marriage but if you see me compromise in this way...when the time comes, you will compromise for me.
CP: Yea but that never happens and then you feel like...you gave up something sacred for nothing.
DN: Yep and the last time I had sex, I got pregnant. Man oh Man! Having a child is no joke.
CP: So why - after all you've been through - would you go back and have sex with this man?
Inner Goddess: In hopes that it really will turn into him being our boyfriend.
Me: I don't know.
CP: {Pray on it. God will reveal it to you.
DN: Yes and you control you.

And there it goes folks...

Late Nights. Early Mornings.

"Tell me your scars," I said in my mind as I traced his earlobe with my fingers; my chin on his shoulder. I placed little kisses on his cheek and listened to him tell me about something...anything as he waited with me for my train to come. I felt at ease completely in the moment as I listened to his voice while watching his eyelashes flutter and the rise and fall of his Adam's Apple. I was ready. 

(Rewind)

We knew we had to see each other today. Somehow, between his classes and work and my church obligations and interviews, it had been a week since we'd seen each other and talking every single day only increased the need to lessen the space between us.

And so today (Monday) at 9:40pm for a 10:20 movie. We saw Fast Five which was pretty good. All I focused on were the main characters (Paul, Vin, The Rock) while he focused on the cars and the women. Win - win. Especially for him because I wanted to see Jumping the Broom.

Anyways...as we're walking into our theatre, the guy is still cleaning up so we snuck into another movie which happened to be Pirates of the Caribbean which he goes..."Oh no, I want to see this!" And I go, "Really?" He says, "Wait, let me kiss you first and then I'll think about it." And before I could say anything, he plants one on me and it is goood.

We're running (me, him and my heels) from theatre to theatre like little kids sneaking peeks at the movies, making out and hugging on each other before we settled in to our seats. We watched (most) of the movie snuggled up close. I felt so comfortable.

Afterward, we were hungry so we ate pancakes at the diner across the street.

Me: I feel like we talk every day but I don't reeeeally know you, do I?
DK: For real? You serious?
Me: Yes, so I'm going to ask some questions.
DK: Ask me what you want.
Me: I'm going to ask you some juicy stuff.

And then I proceeded to ask him about his last relationship. It ended because she moved to Chicago. They still keep in touch (FB) and she has someone new. She broke his heart when she moved. That was a year and a half ago.

We talked about sex and I told him about my celibacy last year. I told him that TN and I broke up because TN played games and didn't know what he wanted. I didn't tell him the ugly dirty dirty of what happened...not sure if I will. I know I can. I told him I hadn't had sex for 6 months and he just looked at me all wide-eyed. Lol.

I told him that being a Christian and fornicating is a conflict for me so if I decide to go down that road, I am going to be super careful. He said he could respect that.

As we walked to the train station under the fog of night, he held me tight and turned to kiss me. I took my time and kissed him back really slow. Its been a long time since i've been kissed right. Since before Carter and TN...since maybe Blair.

"What are your intentions for me?"
He said, "I like you. I want to get to know you better and if after a while it seems to be working out, y'know, it becomes official."

Fair enough.

He kissed me. "You are everything. You're cute, sexy, fun, smart..."
"I know. Is this the part where you propose?"

He held me tight and said he wanted to drag me to Queens with him where he lives. I laughed. I said, "yea, drag me by my hair..."

He stayed with me til my train came.

"Come to Jamaica," he said as my train approached.

if only. 

"This has been the best night," he said as I got on the train.

I concur.

In the Moment

I forgot my mints.
Underarms. Check.
Smell good? Check
Keys. Wallet. Gloss. Mirror. Ipod.
Check. Check. Check. Check. Check.

There's a little flutter in my heart as I tap my toes to the Lenny Kravitz song. I smile. I want him to hug me. I want him to smell good and lead me by the small of my back where ever we go. I want him to say I look like how I smell like how I must taste...delicious.

I'm also praying...Lord, don't let these heels hurt my feet. Well, not too much anyway. I'm wearing my version of a casual outfit. I wish I could be a jeans and T-shirt girl...the way Chall Berry is or Gisele Bunchen. I alway feel tight and uncomfortable. Short in sneakers. Casual means these black leggings, black flowy top nipped in at the waist by a wide black belt with a sequined bow in the middle, cropped jacket, rhinestone chunky bracelet, ethnic necklace and oxford-like peep toe booties. My outfit is tight enough to reveal my curves yet loose enough where I still have a few secrets like my pouch in my belly.

It took me half the day to come up with a look that was together, almost sexy yet seems effortless.

I like this guy.

I'm trying to soften a bit. Relax my shoulders. Smile more. Let him wait on me literally and figuratively...open my doors....let him pay for stuff.

Without guilt.
Without the nagging feeling that I'm asking for too much. Its not too much.
Especially when I'm in heels.

:)

music goes straight to the soul

"I know its possible/to finally be in love/and know the real meaning of/a lasting relationship/not based on ownership/i trust every part of you/cuz all that you say you do/you love me in spite myself/sometimes i/i fight myself/i just can't believe that you/would have anything to do/with someone so insecure/someone so immature"

These are some of the realest lyrics...I've ever heard. They speak to such a raw part of me.
I've been singing this song since I've heard it deep in my heart. I used to sing it for Afroman...it was a song of mourning a relationship that was so warped and so just...not what I wanted but settled for because really - who can resist a dark choocolate tortured emo soul? Now, its a song of hope. A flag of what I want....true love, trust, someone who makes me want to be better than who I am...someone who is more flyy than I am cuz I think I'm the flyyest thing out there (in relationships).



I'm excited about Jilly's new album.

*********************************************

Last week, I went on 2 interviews. One was for a cargo/shipping/freight company looking for someone to handle their international vendors. Perfect for me. It what I did at my last (non-makeup) job. The only thing was that it is was an hour and 45 minutes away from me. Not only was the commute enough to make me want to slit my wrists with a butter knife...the pay was $27k per year. For $13 per hour, I would bleed out. For more like $40k, I might be able to heal a little bit...ya dig? While its MONEY and I'm making little money..some money might seem like a salve but no...some money for a lot of stress, travel and aggravation would feel like no money.

Anyways...the lady liked me but knew that after a month, I'd quit because of the commute...she referred me to her brother in law who is looking for an assistant. He's transitioning into management at an insurance company and needs help recruiting people. So, since I have a nice phone voice and experience hiring and firing people (ka-blam) I got hired. for 20 hours a week. temporarily. to look through resumes, call people, schedule them for interviews and such. for $10 an hour. the job is downtown brooklyn. 30 minutes door to door and the guy is pretty cool. I start Wednesday.

I would kiss the Baby Jesus' chubby cheeks if I could. All I can say is Thank You...its something. It is a) extra dinero for things like driving lessons, vet visits - Rocky needs some shots and I need to pay off some debt and b) something taking up that ominious spot on my resume so it doesn't look like I've been sitting on my ass for a year and a half while unemployed.

If I stick to my budget and curb my spending..I realize that every time I leave my house, I have a compulsion to buy something - anything... (a sick compulsion, man) I will be able to use this as extra money to do the things I've been crying about not being able to do. #1- get my driving lessons and #2- get back in schoool (and buy shoes, travel and get rocky groomed and make sure he doesn't have rabies, ticks, fleas and such)

So, I'm excited.
AND, I'm supposed to see DK tonight for a movie...Fast Five (even though I haven't seen Fast 2, 3, and 4)...I want to see him and get a hug and *gasp* a kiss!

you.complete.me

I've been reading a lot of stuff about marriage on accident. Like...I'm reading Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert and I thought it would be more about her marriage than it is a nonfiction historical book about marriage, its origins and the various societal and cultural anomalies associated with marriage. I clicked on a couple of new blogs today and they were all about people's marriages.

And I keep thinking...

Hello God. Its me Nina. Do you hear me?

They say God prepares you for what He will give you well in advance. So yes, while there's no boyfriend in the horizon, I'm pretty sure that He (definitely maybe) is preparing me for marriage in my future. (How farrrrrrrr into the future...I don't know but just knowing that it is in the cards for me - like for real kinda - is awesome) I tweeted today out of the blue... "I would love to have a marriage...its the wedding that terrifies me." This is true. Part of me wants that walking down of the aisle, bridesmaids, saying vows ceremony but the other part is..hey baby! you + me + 5 of our closest friends/family and the minister on the beach and ka-blam!

Just...random musings.

So so so so much going on. I shall try and challenge myself to write every day this week!

quickie

After that post yesterday and all the love I felt for my pup...today, we're not on speaking terms. I was supposed to meet mom at 6:00 and at 5:53, I was still deciding between pants or the skirt...Needless to say, I was running out of the door. I left my makeup bag with the brand new brushes, some of the clothes I was trying on and random accessories on my bed. Rocky chewed up 3 of the brushes, had my bra wrapped around his body and was chewing on a necklace when I walked through the door in my living room. So, he carried each brush, carried my bra and carried the necklace from the back of my apartment to the front and was having a grand ole time...while his toys were just laying around.

Oh hell nawl.

I was so mad at him! I picked up the brush with the worst damage in one hand and him in the other. "Look at this." He kept turning his head. I wasn't moving. He looked at it and I popped him on the nose.

Whew! If he were human, I would've beat him with my belt.

MAYUN!

So, I'm not speaking to him for the night. My bedroom door is and will remain closeed. Usually, he's so adorable....I can't stay mad at him for long...but I'm in that time where your body rewards you for not getting knocked up and I'm extra emotional. Especially about brushes that I haven't used yet and not being allowed to rush out the house and leave my things out.

before ya'll go on and say...he's a puppy. I know he's a puppy. he's a baby. he's a child..wah wah wah...i can still be ticked off when he destroys things that I love because he's bored.

puppy love.

For Monique (pics of Rocky aka Sir Rockefeller Petite, Master of Destruction)




When I first got him in February. He was a little over 2 months old...its hard to remember he was so tiny back then.

(debating on if i should keep this pic up...i was experimenting with big diana ross hair at the time and half my face is covered...we'll see)





(he was so tiny...this isn't his bed. we went to visit my friend and her dog who was twice rocky's size and rocky...tired of playing went to sleep in the dog's bed. he was NOT happy and kept barking at rocky who was so nonchalant about it. this is the ONLY time he's slept in a dog bed. he had a dog bed at home for months before i put it in the closet because he never slept in it.)





At 4 months

(he's officially #teambadass...he's such a happy dog. his tongue is always out as proven by 90% of his pictures) (he was so skinny but you couldn't tell because he was fluffy)(my fave pic of him)


At 5 months
(We'd just gotten back from the groomer)

(perspective shot...so you can see how big/small he is) (my snuggle bunny...after his morning wakeup call)

(How he got the name Master of Destruction. This is part of my living room floor. When I left the house it was clean. When I got home this is what I found: my bra, pair of boots, 1 shoe, a hat, tissue everywhere, stocking and 2 dvds. what was he doing with the dvds? did he watch them and forget to put them back?)

verklempt.

I was so excited about going to The Makeup Show today that last night, I really couldn't sleep. It was excitement plus all day yesterday, my pastor was teaching about finances. The sermon was about how to manage your money and there was a third service (we have a 9am and 11am service) at 6pm about how to get out of debt.

sidenote: my pastor is awesome! he challenged people to cut up their charge cards.(store charge cards are evil.) and also any credit cards that they've maxed out/owe a high balance on. 4 people came up and cut up their cards...do you know he paid 1/2 to all of their balances. 2 people had $300 balances, which he paid all of it. 1 person had $975, he paid $500 of it, another person had $5,000 and he paid $1000 of it. that is A-mazing! he said God told him to do it to be a testimony of his power and that they could be free if they will it to be so.

he gave us some practical tools to use and some great advice and i really need to do some thangs...

but part of what was running through my mind was my conversation with trish on friday night.

she asked about my ticket to texas, my driving lessons, etc. i haven't paid for anything. sunday night, i checked on how much i would spend on 1 class...close to $1000...to go per semester is $3000 but i can't just be a f/t student because i owe my previous school $2819... *sigh* i just felt so stuck. i'm not traveling. i'm not driving. i'm not going to school. and its all because of money.

i went for a job interview on friday...very last minute - they called me at 8am for an interview at 11am. i would start on mondayand the guy was so weird...but he was offering $18 per hour which is nothing to scoff at right now. needless to say, i didn't get the job. and of course, i was thinking...i could do what they wanted me to do (data entry) in my sleep while using my tongue to type. why didn't they pick me?

i was feeling so...just...stuck. i was looking for another word but that's the only one that fits. i'm searching like mad for a job. i have all these strategies and things i want to do and i'm believing in God and its not happening (fast enough.)

and my mom is still mad at me because i didn't spend any money on her for mother's day.

so, i woke up late this morning. i woke up at 10 instead of 8. i realized my phone wouldn't charge. i tried to turn it off, i tried different outlets. nothing. then, i wanted to look hot for the makeup show. every look i tried looked stupid. finally, i settled on a light gold shadow with leopard spots that were black and on the inside gold and teal with teal liner on my lower lash line, honey cheeks and nude lips. great. my spots were off. i wiped the whole thing off and did it again.

there was just this feeling of disapppointment and (not hopelessness) but just...like...ok ANOTHER thing. so, i get out of the house at 12 (instead of 10 as i'd planned)...i get off at the wrong stop on the train thinking the tmobile store was on 14th street when it was actually on 23rd st. the makeup show was on 18th st. i walked from 14th to 23rd only to be told that the problem is not my charger but my phone. its in warranty (since its only a month old) and they ordered a new one. BUT they didn't have any loaner phones to give me.

fine.

i walk back to 18th street.

and i was so overwhelmed. there were people everywhere. every booth was swamped. there were drag queens on stilts, women in body pant, men with nothing on...their bodies just had leopard and zebra print glitter decals on them. seminars were taking place, panel discussions....people at booths trying to get your attention.

and i didn't really have a lot to spend. i wanted to get some brushes, nars illuminator, occ lip tars and maybe a new foundation and a new blush... all on a $60 budget.

brushes that are usually $40 were $10. blushes that are usually $20 were $5. it was insane. i kept crusing by the booths i wanted to buy stuff at but it was just too much and i needed some semblance of sanity to be able to make a good decision (since i don't have money to burn on something i can't take anything back)....i ended up buyin these bamboo handle green brushes. i got 8 brushes for $43. i went by that booth like 3 times before i bought it...

i was feeling so out of place...so not worthy..so just broken in spirit that i wanted to leave.

as i'm walking down the stairs...no one other than sam fine, celebrity makeup artist walks by me. he's such an inspiration to me. do you know...i didn't speak. i actually started to tear up. like a little girl...i started to cry and so i turned my head and let him walk on by. let me tell ya'll...I DO NOT CRY.

i was just so emotional...i didn't get a lot of sleep. i was by myself in this huge place with all these people arond me but feeling all alone (like always). i was kind of broke (like always). my phone was dead and i had no way of even connecting to anyone i knew in any way. i was worried about money and how i was going to buy a loaner phone and buy food and pay for my transportation. and how all i want to do is go to school and drive but those things seem so out of reach. and i'm drowning in grief and am lost. just...so much.

i decided, hell...i paid $45 to get in this joint..let me attend a couple of seminars...which i did and they were inspirational and kind of set me straight on what it really means to be in this industry.

and *drumroll please*

i really am not sure if i want to be a makeup artist anymore.
i have the skill but do i have the passion? what messed me up was thinking i would have a career automatically and trying to live off of it from the beginning. all the celebrity artists were doing free jobs for about 2 -3 years before they could assist other artists and they were assisting for 5-6 years (assistants don't get paid well or regularly. one of the agents said an assistant may not get paid until 6 months after a job was completed.) soooo..it was so silly of me to jump in feet first.
i was so wrong and thinking i was going to make my living off of this has totally polluted it for me. of course, i have a lot to think about...but makeup artistry needs to go on the back burner for me. (it already is) but even more so.

so, i left and went to dance rehearsal for church. 2 hours of a new dance that is african-inspired. my knees and back are killing me from walking all day and then dancing at night. i'm really hoping i get a good night's rest.

just pray for me ya'll.

Canine Shenanigans

So, I bought these professional strength mouse glue traps last week and they're scattered strategically around the house. Rocky (my 6 month old shih tzu) sleeps in one spot for about 20 minutes, gets up and falls asleep in another spot unless he falls into a deep sleep. In that case, he falls asleep on his back spread eagle and snores. Every morning, Rocky jumps on my bed and finds a way to step on my face/head in an effort to wake me up. Oh yea..and he does this most often between 5-6am. He thinks its a game when I kick him off the bed. He proceeds to jump on again and usually snuggles up behind me (little spoon big spoon style - he's big spoon of course) and sniffs/licks the back of my head.

Today, Rocky stepped on my face and did his little normal routine...but then when i woke up at about 9am. I noticed that he was a little weird. He had a glue trap stuck on his right leg. He acted as though it wasn't there or maybe he'd tried to no avail to get it off. Not only was the glue on his thigh, but it was on the entire right side of his body.  As much as I tried, I could not get the trap off and pulling like a mad person was only hurting him. So, I got some scissors and had to cut the thing off. He's still super sticky and I tried to wash the glue off and even tried peanut butter (the people on the internet told me it was a good idea) but he kept running away. So, his body smells like peanut butter and his right paws are still sticky. Until the glue wears off (the people on the internet told me it should be a couple of days and the glue should come off on its own) my bedroom door will be closed and I shouldnt get any morning jumps on my head. Did I mention he just got a bath last night which he fought me on....he was wet, I was wet, the bathroom floor was wet. Not pretty.

A few weeks ago, my brother asked me when I was having children. I said, "I don't need to have a child, I have a puppy." He scoffed at me. He thinks he knows but he has no idea.

Damaged

"Man, Nina, I've been through some shit. Look at these marks on my arm," he said showing me dark brown bruises that were thin and long across his wrist. "My lower back and my ass is fucked up," he continued, "These are from being caned."

I thought two things:

1. My little ole 3 leather belt beatings and a slap across the face are nothing compared to being caned.
2. He is open. He is telling me things. I don't have to pull teeth to hear stories about Nigeria, about his family, about emigrating to America, about his life...he is telling me and trusting that I'm not going to be scared or ignorant or anything.

I was so taken aback and then I realized..."Omg, am I damaged goods?"

He's interested in me and my day and what I do.

"What do you have to do tonight?"
"I'm washing my dog."
"You do the coolest things."

Not really.He calls. He texts. He is NICE.

Do you know how long its been since a guy was genuinely nice to me...and all I keep thinking is how stiff and guarded I am. How I may push him away because I am broken.

After the whole TN fiasco, I built these walls. I know something about walls. My dad showed me how to put up sheet rock against 4 x 4s and how to plaster and sand and that's exactly what I did with my personality. I erected giant 4x4s and fortified them with sheet rock and steel...all because I opeened up to the wrong guy. A guy who made me feel like my personality didn't rock out and that I should just smile and wear something tight and heels that are high. A guy who must've been hurt so deeply his walls were all steel and granite. A guy who just wanted me as a trophy...a guy who wouldn't tell me anything about himself besides business worries and endless parties he wanted me to go to..never anything about his past or future...a guy who dropped hints about how he wanted to change me...with you should go running to lose weight or you should let your hair grow...who chipped at me slowly...a guy who never really showed me affection unless it was to show other guys I was with him (i.e. he catches them checking me out and so he rubs my back and tells them...oh have you met her, she's a model..no really, he did this the last time I saw him) A guy who just wanted sex and food and then discarded all of my feelings.

And now, here's DK.
And I feel like I'm a broken doll who looks cute but as soon as you pick her up, her eye falls out or her head falls off and you see that her hair has been cut uneven and one shoe is missing.

*sigh*

Also...how cool is it that this guy makes me want to be better?

And...its so early (like a week) so I'm trying to keep my head.

P.S. Maybe its my fault - the whole model thing. When FB had a section to write whatever...that little box under your face, I wrote "Lover of Jesus. Leader of the Nerd Revolution. Makeup Artist. Beauty Editor for Magazine. (blah blah blah) Oh yea, I'm a model." The model part was supposed to be a joke because EVERY big girl who is pretty on FB wrote that they were a model. He asked me, "Are you really a model?" I said, "No. I did pose for a few photo shoots but they never really went anywhere. I hate pictures that other people take of me anyway...so, not really." (just to clarify)

The Pursuit of ...

As we left the park, I almost wanted to hold his hand. I realized then the deep bitter taste that The Nigerian had left in my mouth. I also realized how I was to blame for it.

We met on a dating site that I'd been dormant on for a while. His note was short, sweet, funny and led me to his profile which stated he is studying Engineering. We passed notes and he kept on being sweet and funny.

"Where are you from?"

"Nigeria."

I groaned audibly as I poured over the words hoping I'd missed something.

…"But I grew up in Lagos."

The  Nigerian had poisoned me to his brethren. I sighed. I would give this one a shot. After all, Nigeria is a really big country. Not all men from there should be bad. So, I agreed to a coffee date. We met at Starbucks in Columbus Circle. We walked through Central Park and sat by the duck pond watching people row boats and he talked. I realize that I let most people just talk and talk. Of course, if I have something pertinent to say, I will but for the most part, I will just listen. I've also found that when you let people talk and talk, they'll really be themselves, thus allowing you to really gain an understanding for who they are. He made me laugh. He made me sad. He made me cringe with his stories from Nigeria and even in America. (Some) Americans are really ignorant when it comes to people who are not born here but I think with Africans, it is worse. He said some people were surprised that they had cars in Africa. Seriously? No, they get around in horse-drawn carriages. Africa has many beautiful cities. *sigh*

I found myself apologizing on behalf of stupid Americans, many of them black making dumb-ass statements.

He sparked something in me as well…my own American Dream. He works really hard and he said some things that had me thinking…I haven't worked hard in a few months just because I've been depressed which is really NO EXCUSE.

I kind of steered us out of the park and home after I realized we'd spent 2 ½ hours talking. I believe first dates should be short. He got on the downtown train with me only to go back uptown to Queens. Departing, he gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug. He urged me to text him to make sure I got home okay.

And then as soon as he got off the train….*drumroll please*

I pulled chicken from my purse and ate it.

Okay, to be fair, I hadn't eaten all day. As I was on my way to meet up with him I stopped by the chicken shack to get a 2 piece and a roll to eat on the train. The MTA was being difficult and was over-crowded. I didn't want to be a double-statistic (being a big girl and black) and pull out a drumstick on a crowded train and eat it, so I ate the roll. Then, we met up and it's kind of umm…alarming to (be a big girl and) pull out a piece of chicken from your purse out of nowhere and eat it. So, at the end…I tore it up. The train was empty. It was magical.

Later, I called Twin and told him about my date.

"I was wrong..all wrong when I was trying to date The Nigerian. Firstly, I was celibate for 19 months. Clearly, I was out of my mind. In those 19 months, I not only grew my hymen back but I also grew back some of the naiveté that came along with being a virgin. Naïve to think that after he got what he wanted, he'd want more with me. Naïve to jump in with 2 feet. I belly-flopped into a situation I couldn't handle because I was lonely. All I did was see through the eyes of my loneliness and blinded myself to some major red flags…like how much he did NOT respect me or even fake like he did for one second. I gave him power he never had and I paid dearly for it. So, this guy…we can move like snails. If he has a problem, I'm okay with being alone. Being alone is better than compromising."

 

He was like…"You tell 'em Sista Souljah."

 

Everyone in my life is so disrespectful. Lol

Anywhosies…mom tried to ruin my day by giving me shit for not doing anything for her for Mother's Day. I kind of just shut down emotionally with her altogether because "I don't do right by her" but I'm the only kid that doesn't text message her on every freaking holiday. She can be mad. I'm  not faking it anymore.

I made some banging spaghetti with kielbasa, spinach, onions, celery, diced tomatoes and carrots and watched "The Pursuit of Ha.ppy.ness."  The new guy, let's call him DK called me to tell me he had a great time. I smiled. Today was a good day.

 

 

 

(didn't have to bust my AK)

In Between

It is really hard when you realize you were so totally wrong in your living and God is stretching you, imploring you to do better.

Tonight, we had Pastoral Bible Teaching. The title of the teaching is" Surviving In Between." You're not where you were but you're not where God wants you to be and its also too late to go back.

I'm in that in between state. Literally. In every aspect of my life. I'm in between jobs, loves... *sigh*

My pastor said that we use the in between as something that is negative but being in between means that there's something else on the horizon.

The first part of the teaching was about God-complexes. He said, "If you're the one that everyone runs to when they have a problem, something is wrong."

I am the one that everyone goes to when they have a problem.

He also said that you need to get off of other people's ship of tribulation. He mentioned Jonah and the whale and how when Jonah was on the ship and it was rocking. The crew was throwing heavy things off the ship when Jonah had already told them that he was the reason for the storm.

He said, "Warning comes before destruction. A haughty look comes before the fall. When you were doing your mess, someone told you to stop doing it and you didn't. Just like you've told someone what they were doing was wrong and they didn't it brought a whole heap of trouble on their head just like it brought a whole heap of trouble on yours."

He also said, "Let people take the medicine they chose. Let some people go. "

The first person that came into my mind was BFF. Sunday, Punjabi's (ex) girl walked up on her and him while she was picking up a Mother's Day. The girl called her a whole bunch of bitches and whores. BFF was so rattled that yesterday she literally spent the entire day with me. We cooked, ate, walked the dog, everything. at 11pm, I was like...okay, I'm tired. You can stay and sleep or you can drive home. Anytime there's trouble, she calls me when we all warned her several times to leave dude alone. A few of my friends tell me in nice ways to let her stew in her mess. "Nina, you're patient," the say, "too patient." Maybe they're warning me..."let her swallow her own medicine." Pastor said tonight to let God deal with his people. Don't let them lean on you so much they're not turning to Him. He brought them to the place they're at for a reason. He said even in our own mess. Sometimes, we'll pray for God to help and in a snap of our fingers, he helps and then another time...same prayer and he doesn't respond.

So, I'm not sure what to do when it comes to BFF. Im sure there's a reason why I'm the only one who listens to her talk about her troubles.

*sigh*

There was a lot more I'll share later

From Mothers to Just mother-F-ers

A few weeks ago, I met a guy while walking Rocky. He was cute and it was nice the kind of shy way he stepped to me. We talked on the phone once after missing each other and the conversation was..forced. He's 29. Never attempted any college...just went into being a security guard...which he has been for something like 12 years. Now, before you call me bourgie..which if you do, you'd be like the 100th person this weekend to do so...my dad was a blue collar worker and I have no problem with them. I like men that can wire stuff, sheet rock, and plunge a toilet but its like whatever you do..be excellent at it. You don't have to go to college but read the newspaper...read books...be able to converse intelligently. He's soooo about the neighborhood. I am soooo not about the neighborhood. If I were, honestly, I would've been knocked up a long time ago...because that's what the neighborhood breeds - complacency and babies. I felt uncomfortable talking to him because I sound like I'm not from here (to put it mildly) and I felt like with me using "big" words I would be condescending without meaning to be. I've been there before.

So anyways...after our first conversation, his phone gets turned off for about a week. He'd mentioned going on a date this weekend and his birthday is tomorrow (the 9th) but with his phone being off...I kind of played it to the left.

Friday, Wynsters helped me move dressers that were in BFF's basement to my place. She's such a trooper! He called me from a private number. He asked me if I still wanted to see the play, that it was showing on Saturday at 8pm. I agreed to go. He the asked if he could see me that night. We could get something to eat locally. After cleaning and lugging those dressers and then faced with the daunting task of having to clean them more because they smell just like a basement and having to somehow squeeze 10 bags of clothes into 2 dressers and a closet, I declined. I didn't feel like getting all cute for someone I wasn't THAT interested in seeing.

I also kind of had a moral dilemma where I wasn't sure if I should've accepted his invitation when I knew in my heart of hearts that if I don't feel comfortable even talking to him, it probably wasn't going anywhere. Wynsters told me I was being silly but why waste his money (which clearly, he doesn't have a lot of) and why waste my time?

Anyways, Saturday rolls around and I leave dance rehearsal at church and I run into that guy who thought I was 19 on the bus. We start talking. We both didn't have anything else to do so he rolled with me to my house where I picked up Rocky and we walked and talked. He likes to talk...a lot.Some things I pulled from him:

1. He told me that he's in the process of dating anyone he feels attracted to - to go out and have a conversation. Most of his dating pool is in our church. He tries not to get sexual with them but if it happens, it happens.
Red Flag. My church is my sanctuary. I go there as a refuge from the crazy that goes on in the world. I will not treat it like its a dating site. Secondly, he's already told me he's dating multiple women in the church. I will not be a member of someone's harem and I don't want to feel like I'm competing with these other girls in my church no less! He's a nice guy...but he's not worth the anxiety of whether or not, I'll be chosen.

2. He mentioned money and sex a lot. He said that he could afford to take a trip anywhere he wants or buy a car or do whatever he wants with his money.
I feel like men tell you want they're about without telling you in plain English. It took me a long time to realize that he's not going to say, "I want to have sex with you without committment or even remembering your favorite color/birthday/last name" but he will say something like, "I'm a man and I'm attracted to you. I know we should wait til marriage but if you want to take advantage of me, I wouldn't mind. Hahaha." Its like the men in the church are often times like the men in the street, except they dress better, your guard is down in church and they are a but more charming. Also, I really hate discussing financial sitations with people I'm not comfortable with..let's save that for date 2. Men flaunt their money and then get upset when girls try to use them for it...smh

3. He told me he loves another girl who is not ready for a relationship. He told me about his ex-wife whom he married at 18 and that's why he's only casually dating.
He basically told me he's playing around. I'm not into dating for the hell of it. Not right now. I don't see the point of dating someone like guy A in this post if I know it will go nowhere nor do I see myself dating this guy when I know I could genuinely like him and catch feelings and I know he's just having fun. I would casually date men who I know are in the place where they want a relationship...they want more than to just have a companion. Editor once told me that she used to date men she had no intention of being with seriously because she was broke and needed a free meal. That's just not me. Not knocking her..its just not what I'm about.Plus he told me he LOVES ANOTHER GIRL. Really? So, why are you with me? So you won't be home waiting by the phone til she's ready? And then what happens if we start dating and she comes around? I get dropped for someone who was there before me? Oh no sir!

Anywhosies...I had enough of the outdoors, of the pup, of him and I picked up some caramel cone ice cream and checked my phone. It was after 6 and the first dude hadn't called yet to confirm the play. I already made up in my mind I wasn't going. At 8:20, I get a call from a number I don't recognize. The person didn't leave a message. It was probably him but I just couldn't find it in my heart to care. Its like...I already know how the game is played.

If you're going to see someone on Saturday, why ask them out on Friday? Soo, if you don't feel like paying for tickets to a play on Saturday night, you can say - but we saw each other last night. If you were serious about cultivating a relationship with someone, you water it with communication. So, you find a way to call them. Ask me for my email address, email me. Something!

Neither dude is serious.

I was talking to a friend about my motives for dating. I'm 25. I would like to be married and pop out a baby within the next 6-8 years. Before that happens, I'd like a year of courting, 2 years of engagement and at least a year of marriage before the baby comes. Notice...I said would like...I know it doesn't happen like that all the time but it would be nice. So, that means I want to be with someone for 4 years before the ring and baby comes. While you never really know someone, that's a pretty good chunk of time for you to get the gist of who they are as a person. Anyways...if I know what I want, why would I date stupid boys for fun? I don't want fun, I want a future. Let's have fun preparing for the future...not have fun preparing for me to be a conquest for you.

Le sigh.

My married friends tell me don't rush to get serious..don't be so serious. I'm not rushing to get serious with anyone. I think I'm biding my time thinking things through...but I tell you this...I'd rather stick it out with the one I know is for me than kissing frogs hoping I find my prince and only ending up with warts.

Mother's Day

I woke up this morning and was preparing my underthings for my shower and walking near my new dressers, my foot said "Squish," right into a puddle of canary yellow urine that Rocky left for me. Although I thought of it as his way of saying, "Happy Mother's Day," I still showed him the puddle and popped him on his nose.

I wish I didn't feel so much angst today. I really hate every holiday that requires me to give my mom a gift. I wish I could love to lavish her with gifts from the part of my heart that gives dollars to people begging on the train. The part that swells with kindness and compassion that signals to the part of the brain that says..."This person really appreciates this dollar. They didn't expect it. They are grateful." Mom is not grateful. Last year, I made her a lovely tasty dinner. I made salmon, steamed broccoli with cheese sauce and arroz con maiz (yellow rice with tomato and other veggies in it). For dessert, her favorite ice cream in a fancy glass all served to her while she watched some TV as if I were a waitress. She said she liked it but a few months later, said, "Why didn't you take me out for Mother's Day?"

"I cooked for you. You said you liked it."
"I did but you could've taken me out."

I was hurt and slightly embarassed.

So, this year...I could've done more. I didn't plan properly for this stupid holiday. I did actually see things that I liked and would've made her smile but no, I didn't get it. I coould've sacrificed a little here, penny-pinched there. I could've gone out of my way over there...but I didn't because I didn't want to do it and then have her throw it in my face. She bought me a ticket for her church's Mother's Day dinner and text me on Friday saying that she'd done so. Firstly, I HATE her church. It starts at 10am. You leave at 2:30. The preachers aren't quite articulate at times. It angers me to spend hours upon hours in church getting nothing out of it. I went last week because she got ordained but going feels like an obligation. Secondly, going means I have to smile at people and make faux conversation and hear how my mom is more of a mother to other people than to me. How she listens to them patiently and counsels them...how she checks up on them and makes sure they're okay and listen to them tell me how if she does that for them, a mere stranger, how I must have the greatest mother in the world.

Yes..the greatest mother in the world wouldn't even take down her air freshener that caused me to cough painfully and incessantly when I was sick in September just because she didn't want to...and told me its her house, if I didn't like it, I have my own apartment.

I told her, "Honestly, I do not like your church. I would rather go to my own church." She said she understood. Right. And so the message today at my church was about parenting. My pastor used the parable of the prodigal son to illustrate how parents should raise their children. Brief recap: 1)they should raise them to be able to make choices. 2) to understand the each choice has consequences and 3)they should have compassion. The last one he said that when you lack compassion when raising your child, you make them indifferent. That child will tell other children's parents good news about school or something they've achieved and tell you "oh, it was fine." How do you lack compassion as a parent? Well, you tell them that nothing is good enough. They come and spend all day Sunday with you and you tell them they should've come on Saturday. They cook you dinner on Thursday. You tell them you have to eat on Friday too. Indifferent chilren know they can't please you so they don't even try. He also says what usually happens is that the older you get, the less they want to be around you. It was like he was reading my mind.

And so I got home, ate, fell asleep and I called her at around 6:46 when I woke up.
Conversation goes like this:

Happy Mother's Day.

Oh you finally remembered me?

When I woke up you'd already left for church.Oh
How was the dinner?Really really beautiful and so delicious!
That's nice.
Yea, I'm so tired.
Okay.Okay.
*click*

I keep thinking about how one day she won't be here and how I should work through my own issues because she's not going to change. I should press through whatever barriers I have and fake it. Make her feel whatever..but I can't.

Maybe one day, I'll regret it. Maybe one day, I'll be less indifferent.
Maybe.

Crystal Balls

Got some bad news which I will share once I stop freaking the hell out! Faced with something I don't wanna...my mind likes to transport itself to random instances. It makes me laugh.

Like.....
Two weeks ago, I was walking down 8th Ave towards 42nd St. A girl stopped me and said, "I feel a strong energy from you. Can I tell you what I'm getting."

Sure. I'll play.

I see that you're not quite happy in your career. You're not sure what your next moves will be and that uncertainty is making you unhappy.

Hmmm...fair enough. But isn't that the case for most people in this economic climate?

I see your love life is up in the air too. You like someone and he likes you back. He's just confused and not sure if he should like you.

My gut reaction was...Whooo the eff is she talking about?

I am harboring several crushes right now.
There's JC. Jesus Christ of course...but also a JC who lives across the country. There's GM who sings at my church. Stoudemire who is a friend who plays basketball in Brazil.  And several other small inconsequential crushes that I know will not go far and let's not forget the ex-boyfriends who still light my fire.

I wish psychics were more specific.

updates

when i spend time away from this space and come back, i feel as if i am a lover that has failed to call the morning after.

my abashed apology.
------

punjabi's mom called bff and told her flat out she's not good enough because she's black and adopted and would never be accepted into their family. she wants no part of the child and even told her that she could get a surgical abortion up until 7 months.

**record scratch**

7 months?!! that's like killing an actual INFANT.

punjabi and his family are guyanese indian. punjabi is on the sepia side of brown and it just saddens me that (number 1) no matter what, black people are always the lowest in any society. no matter where you go, if you're black, people shit on you.

and number 2, we still buy into the bullshit.
beige, taupe, yellow, brown, blue-black...where ever you fall, we're all struggling the same. smdh
-----------
i keep running into people randomly.
it must be spring time in the city.
----
mom got ordained on sunday...it was a really beautiful service yet i can't get with her church. they started at 10am. we left at 3:30. the service ended at 3. my church...service starts at 11. we end at 12:30. the latest we'll end is at 1pm. we get a good word, a good worship service. their praise and worship takes at least an hour to an hour and 45 minutes. no no no no no no no no!

i got to see a lot of people from the past that never would've thought i would grow into the woman i am. wearing high high heels and makeup. i wasn't a tomboy just less conventional and even less worried about my appearance.

it just rubs me the wrong way..like people thought i was homely before. i have the exact same face just now with a little blush on it.
---
speaking of blush, i had an interview with MAC today. the mac pro store is beeeeaaautiful! the manager interviewing me was very lovely and NICE. i love mac but they are not known for their customer service skills..no - really. i don't think i did the greatest job on my model but its in God's hands.i won't know if i got it for 3 weeks.

-----
speaking of God's hands, the sermon on sunday (at my church) was about marriage. my pastor and his wife tag-teamed the sermon. first lady said something that intrigued me. "many of you want to be married but not many of you want to be wives."

that statement kind of hit me like a bag of bricks. i'm asking myself if i want 1 without the other. i think i'd be a great wife...lord knows, i was acting married in my relationships before.
-----

friday night found me at church for young adult's ministry. it was set to look like club. a room upstairs in our church had dim lighting, candles everywhere with clusters of chairs sitting around small tables with white tablecloths and ice buckets with sparkling cider in them. a dj was there and he was spinning some tunes that i was dancing to...honestly, i'd dance to anything with a beat. at the end of the night, the topic was "is it wrong for christians to go to the club?" the room was polarized into some people saying no because sometimes, you just want to dance..if you're discerning about who you go with/drinking/your club attire, it should be fine. the other part of the room was like yes, its wrong because you're christian and the standard that God sets for us is higher. the next question was "is it wrong for christians to go to the strip club?" there's always 1 who is so secure in her spirituality, it comes off kind of smug more than anything else...she said..."the same thing that's wrong with the strip club is the same thing that's wrong with porn. God meant for sex to be between a man and his wife. the world likes to imitate the things that God meant to have a certain way by having us watch what is supposed to be pure and sacred."

this had me conflicted when i bought my first sex toy the next day and when i watch porn and played with myself.

during the first celibacy (that lasted 19 months) i didn't watch porn or have a sex toy but now, i feel like i need something to ease the frustration from my situation.

i might give it all a rest.

and then i thought about marrriage. i want to let my freak flag fly high and proud. i want to do whatever for my husband but hoping he's christian and in church..what if he doesn't want me to be his whore? what if he wants vanilla sex? hmmmmmm

there's a guy interested in me at church. he eased up on me in the past couple months because he thought i was 19. he said i look really young and i don't really try and be serious like an adult but i'm not a child..he just took a stab and thought 19. (funny) when he found out i am 25...he was like "Ohhhhhh" and then blam! he started flirting. lol

anyways...i know how this works...he's going to have casual conversation until one of us gets turned off by the other. then, he'll ask for my number. then we'll talk some more. then, maybe a date. its kind of cool seeing how this will unfold...if it unfolds.

i usually pump the brakes with church men.
firstly, they're all usually married or in deep serious relationships.
secondly, if it doesn't work out...you still have to see each other in church. i'm so fickle when it comes to men. i dismiss them readily. i don't want to feel uncomfy in church.

anyways..he could just be nice. i could be making up the glimmer. i could WANT to see the glimmer. he's not that cute. he's short. he's not even my type but there's something different about him. i'm trying to let go and let God with a lot of things but the one part of my life i feel anxiety toward is my love life or lake thereof.

speaking of letting go...this guy was beautiful. he walkedd up to me as i was exiting the grocery store yesterday. his skin was the dark chocolate...rich, smooth and shiny. his teeth were nice and white. he was clean-shaven and bald. a little slimmer than i like and he said all soft-spoken, "hi, i'd like to take you on a date. maybe see a movie or dinner." and i said no. everything in me was like...wtf is wrong nina...but i said no.

that womanly intuition...the same one that told me not to give the nigerian my number..not to go on a date with him...not to sleep with him...yea, that intuition said to tell that gorgeous man no.

i'm trying to reconcile that with the fact that i'm not in a ditch right now but i have my little butterfly kiss (toy) in the drawer next to my bed. lol
-------------
mom is certain we'll sell the house by the end of the year. she's trying to get me to move with her to charlotte, nc.

i am NOT a southern girl by any stretch of the imagination. people speak too slowly. you need a car to get everywhere. but there's space and grass. you can see the stars at night. men will dog you out (like they do everywhere) but at least they're a bit kinder when they dog you out. lol

so...mom suggested atlanta. i'm not so sure about atlanta as it is a gay mecca. ya'll know i love my gays but i would feel like how i feel in d.c. - paranoid about the down low brothas...no siree bob.

i do know how i want to decorate my next place. i hate my apartment. it doesn't feel like home. nothing says me here. i do want a pink couch. a vibrant pink. lots and lots of black and white. with chrome accents. its weird being uncertain where i'm going to end up...but i guess all last year was just as uncertain with no job.

maybe being a bit further down south would help me not be on edge all the darn time. less anxiety. less nail-biting fury and competetiveness.

any suggestions??? low cost of living, hot sexy black men and good schools.