Don't do this to me! [Damn you heart!]

I find my heart fluttering everytime I think of him. He sends me into a
flurry of thoughts and feelings. I wish the last post wasn't true.

The heart wants what it wants. [sigh]

I can feel the heartbreak already.

love

I love Afroman.

Sometimes that love doesn't make sense. At times, it is inconvenient. Sometimes, it hides under the other emotions that I build up to the point where I can almost convince myself its not there. But, mostly...it is just love.

All encompassing love.

And that, ladies and gents, is how I know....

I am fucked.

in space...

yes, oh blogosphere! my head is in the clouds and I can't yank it from out of there. Im trying. I really really am...I'm trying to write my book. I'm trying to be a good employeee. I'm trying trying trying....ahhhh! its sooooo hard to be productive.

I am working on my book though..SO I can't be tooo spacey, right?


Right!

I'll try to write more here..I promise...

Ummmm....

Saturday: got dressed up and went to a ball. Stayed out all night and went straight to work on Sunday: got into a nasty argument with a coworker who deserved it. Went home and slept long and hard.Monday: loafed around the house..hung out with Twin in Union Square. Watched el Cantante which is a good movie. Spent the night at BestFriend's.Tuesday: Invited Afroman over for a little nightcap never came. Found out my dryer doesn't work so I schlepped heavy wet clothes to the laundromat which was way less painful than I thought.Today: went into work. Got written up for Sunday's argument. Got my check for missing hours, hoping it doesn't bounce. Today is BestFriend's b-day. She's on her way to Vegas. I'm still thinking about quitting my job.

There you have it! The past 4 days of my life.

Should I slit my wrists now or later?

So...I get to work and am handed my paycheck which was supposed to be
the highlight of my day.
Money!!!! I only have to pay rent and a phone bill and be able to have
the rest of my check to myself...yayyyyy! I had plans witht his check. I
was going to take Afroman out to the movies, enjoy Margarita Monday, not
mooch off of my friends for the remainder of next week...ya know, normal
stuff.

I open my check and

My face fell. I'm missing 16 hours. Anyone who works for a living can
tell you that missing hours sucks ass. What's worse is the assholes who
do the payroll "forget" to put in vacation/personal/sick time ALL the
time. Silly naive me thought that my situation would be different. They
wouldn't forget me. Because I'm special. Right.

Missing 16 hours of pay means that I can pay my rent and pay my phone
bill and not eat or go to work. Paying rent to the stepmother/landlord
is not an optional excercise. Paying my phone bill means they won't cut
it off.

What's worse is is that I tell my supervisor who I'm supposed to be
supercool with and she's like oh well...wait til next pay period. I
CAN'T! I Tell her I have to pay rent. After I do that I'll have $40 to
my name. She's like...welll....I'm sorry.

That's it.

I sit. I tell Gi. I'm about to cry.
I walk to the bathroom. I bawl.
It takes 5 maybe 10 minutes.

I come back. She's on me.
"Don't do that. Don't disappear and the only person who knows where you
are is Gi. I know you're upset but you can't do that."

I'm dumbfounded.

Maybe she thought that I walked out. Just said fuck this job and left.

Maybe I should've done that.
But no.
I sat there nodding my head, eyes glazed over drafting my resignation
letter in my head.
I'm totally fucked and broke. AGAIN.

My day started off just dandy...

I got home at around 3:40 this morning to a stinky house, a cat who not only drug the mop in the middle of the living room floor where I almost fell over it and who left me poo in the bathtub (again!), dishes that are now attracting flies, a bedroom that has clothes all over, and other deliciousness. I e-mailed my boss to expect me in 3 hours later than usual and tried to fall asleep to Gypsy's incessant meows. She would meow and then walk me to her litter box as if to say change it please...its hurting MY nostrils. I finally crashed at around 4:15ish.

I woke up at around noon to the same meow-ing cat. More shit in the bathtub (I hit her this time. If that makes me a bad cat owner, I'm sorry. I'm almost out of bleach and being on ur hands and knees bleaching the bathtub the 1st thing in the morning does not bring out the sunshine in my life)I'm seriously thinking about giving her away. *sigh*

I feel like a fuckin failure.

While rushing to get out the door, I broke my favorite mirror and lost one of my favorite earrings.Just great.

Pain

As soon as my head hit the pillow at Twin's house the tell-tale throbbing in my two front teeth started. Oh no, its back Wisdom tooth hell. I never got the tooth pulled because I can't afford it. Life is just oh so fair that way. The pain in my mouth had me contemplating whether or not I should take a hammer or pliers to my tooth OR maybe I should slit my wrists instead.

O
M
G

The fucking agony!I lay writing back and forth while Twin slept semi-peacefully next to me. He has no painkillers! Can you believe it! None.I finally called a car service and booked it home. At least there, I can cry like a baby with some dignity.

In the middle of this fiasco, I see that I've missed a phone call from the stepmother in which she left a voicemail. Seems as if possibly my neighbor's been ratting me out about my guest list aka Afroman.Voicemail said:"There is a reason why you keep getting voicemails like this. If I catch Afroman leaving after the Sun rises, I will take the apartment away from you." Blah blah bullshit.Mind you, after the changing the locks conflama I really feel like giving her a good piece of my mind. Perhaps, its the only piece I have left. If anyone has any good suggestions on how to handle this...it'd be greatly appreciated.

Thanks....

brokeness is an epidemic

i had $2.50 and set out to burger king for lunch.

2 whopper juniors please (dollar menu)

$2.60, it rang up for.

i almost cried.

the cashier took my $2.50 unceremoniously and handed me my food.


on behalf of all the broke folks out there, thanks!

Because I'm Awesome

I freaked out on Afroman last night via IM

Me: Prepare to come over Monday night
AM: I can't
Me: Ynot?
AM: i have my reasons
Me: Boo
Me: Whatever
Me: I don't like u anymore
AM: wat the hell
Me: What u don't like that answer?
AM: wat i do
Me: Nothing...u never do anything
AM: :-\
Me: Goodnite

Welll...it is what it is.. I wanted him to come over and spoon..but nooooooooo! He has his reasons.

Phooey.

I just don't like not being the girl you can't drop everything for. I need to be someone's priority.

Guess Fred wasn't Dead

Mr. Phil bowed out with a bang it seemed. He named names of people who are unhappy in the company. Specifically me.

In great detail.

This annoys me to no other.

uno: Don't throw other people under the bus because you want to have more ammunition. Let me speak on my shit. You try to keep yours together.

dos: We haven't been speaking at all lately anyway. So...he doesn't know what he's talking about...Yes, everyone knows by the scowl on my face, I love working there, but still... refer to #1.

He was not fired, after all. He was suspended for 2 weeks. If he's smart, he'll find another job.

Either way, there's no space in my heart for him anymore. My weasel quota is filled to capacity.

Show me what ya got!

After I returned from Miami. Things weren't really great between stepmother/landlord. She called me incessantly while I was there, leaving me 12 messages (and umm..yea, I was in Miami 3 nights, 2 days). Each message went from insane to omg u didn't just say that.

So, after I got back home, I didn't bother to pick up the phone when she called or even listen to her messages.

Today, I decided to call her back after I let her phone call go to voicemail.
She started off with "What's YOUR problem?" and it ended when I finally got tired of taking the abuse and hung up on her.

I have no desire to speak to her. To try to shake her into realizing what she's putting me through.

The message she left stated that she would change my locks if I didn't return her call because I'm disrespectful of her.

My non-verbal response: Bring it on!

Chance Encounters

Feeling adventurous, I scraped up enough change to dye my hair a different color. Walking down 34th St, I bumped into an old flame that's still burning. Rastaman. We went to high school together, but met in our senior year together. It was all about poetry and books and the sight of him still sends my heart in a flurry.

He is beautiful.

And a father and with the mother of his child.

I am possibly irrelevant to him. But the chance encounter has to mean something, right? How many people can say that they've met the person who still stops their heart from beating on one of the busiest places in NYC?

Not many.

After I thought on it for a while...I resolved to not dwell on it. Dwelling on the past becomes the endless cycle that is my romantic life with Afroman.


But, it did add a little spice to my afternoon.

(smile)

Choices

This evening, Afroman and I were supposed to hang out. I turned down an invitation to hang out with Twin to keep already made plans to be with Afroman. Let's not even mention the porn movies on my account and my looking at the kissing scenes in movies/tv shows a little extra hard. I really need an escape from the neighbors yelling at their kids and my evil stepmother...an escape into some big arms that love me. kinda.

It started to rain, just as I got off of work. I called him and asked him if he could bring some chicken breast on the way over. He couldn't. He's just as broke as I am.. hmmmm....

So, I made the choice to walk 6 blocks in the rain to buy chicken.I spent 6 of the $10 I have until Friday. (forgot to buy catfood)(greeeat) I brought it home. Cooked.

and waited.

He was supposed to be here by 8.

I called at 8:30. It rang twice and went to voicemail.

10pm. I call again. No answer. I leave a stern message. subtly saying "where the heck r you!!!"

He calls back closer to 11pm. I sent you a text at 7pm. I'm not coming over.
I'm reeling in my head.

I cooked unnecessarily (I have bread, eggs, cheese, salad...good enough for me)
Inever learn my lesson it seems.
But, hey! That was my choice.

Who knows!?!

'If that's your boyfriend. If that's your boyfriend...he wasn't last
night'

I recite the words with all my b-girl flava to Afroman, asking if he
knows the artist of the song. He replies in the negative but we ease
into a nice little conversation about nothing and I ask if he's coming
over on Sunday nite to have a little bonding time. He agrees and we chat
a little more. I make bad jokes and he laughs at them. I hang up with a
smile.

Geez! Why couldn't this be us the first time around? I hypothetically
ask myself if I could make AM my boyfriend again. (Only if we keep it
like this...I reply inwardly)

Would things change?
Could be only talk like once every few days?
What if things go sour again, would I feel like an idiot?
Is it even worth the effort?
Should I not rock the boat but pay it forward and leave us in our
comfortable safe zone right now...

Hmmm...I don't know these answers and more. At some point, one of us
will meet someone new and be gaga over them and one of us will be left
alone.

I've swallowed enough loneliness to ruefully hope its not me.

READY!

To get this life crackin!

I'm wasting my time being depressed and not being the best person that I can be!


I gotta shake off this exhaustion and get going....
THAT MEANS doing what makes me happy.

1. Getting a new job.
2. Getting a makeover.
3. Keeping my house clean.
4. Cutting people out of my life.
5. Figuring what I want to do with my life and doing it. I'm not good with plans...so I just gotta throw myself out there and wish for the best.

I'm inspired!

no more drop dead fred

Mr. Phil is gone. Fired today. I'm sad because I've been a bitch to him for the past few weeks. I've been told when I withold my love, its like the sunshine is gone. This was not lost on him. I treated him as I do all the lovers who've scorned me and now we won't have our Saturday morning flirtation to get back to that place where we were comfortable.

Maybe its better that way.

Oooh..there's a new guy at the job who is yummy....(lol)

Say its anything but love!

my favorite phrase just jumped up and popped into my head. "Never love a pretty man because he stores his love on the highest shelf of his heart, where you can never reach it." -- Author Unknown

Maybe this has nothing to do with anything. But after I remembered I knew that quote, I thought of Afroman. It's not that he is sooo pretty and so handsome that women throw themselves at him. They do. Being the lad that he is, he's oblivious. Why did I think of him? We're not wired the same at all. I pour love on him like syrup over pancakes. He doesn't withold his love. It just comes out differently, I suppose.....Oh! I don't know.

I told myself I don't go back to old boyfriends. They are trouble trouble trouble!
I don't want to be with him, except I do. I want a relationship without the excessive phone calls, constant dates, and all the other stuff that goes with. But, I want to know he will be there.

He is there. But, I want him to be there in a different way maybe. I feel foolish saying this.

I find things in him that are different from anyone I've ever met. I find new reasons in him to surrender my heart. But, I'm terrified to go there aagain. We went there before and it ended not bad or good. It ended and I was devastated and felt powerless. I didn't know what I did wrong.

After all this, I still love him.

Love does a judo chop to the mind! Ah-ya!

Little Miss Scatterbrain

I'm trying to post about Miami but life won't let me.

My phone was off for less than 24 hours but I knew it was coming. I just really REALLY spread myself too thin. Thankfully, I put my pride aside and Gi paid it for me but I still have to pay her back. Which I will (in full maybe with a little interest). It won't even be a week. But, it shows me how much I need a credit card. I really need to scale back. Something has got to give give. But in saying I need to scale back...I don't live extravagantly. I have basic cable, internet, and phone all rolled into one. I go grocery shopping for enough to last me for 3 weeks and I don't get my hair done since my hair is natural. I don't get manicures or pedicures except once a month. So..I just don't know.

I'm really just tired of stretching myself so to do little things like a weekend in Miami just to come home to my phone being off. UGH!

I can't complain. It could be worse. I could be homeless but sometimes the walls crash down down down.

I'm happy to have friends to be there in the trenches with me. We all know I'm not used to that!

WTF NYC?

Black man on the train rambling for the entire 45 minute commute about how nice he is. Cursing at some dude for stepping on his sneakers. Then, telling two scared white women about how the man is not even tough enough to beat him. How men don't need women because they're not as stong as him and yada yada I'm crazy talk.

Bienvenido a Miami

I'm baaacccccck! And I have lovely blog posts somewhere in my head. Allow about 3-5 business days to post.

Muahzies!

NYC WTF?

Today's NYC WTF Moment comes courtesy of a hobo who was taking a crap in the middle of the F platform at West 4th Street. To make matters worse, people were standing around like nothing was going on.

Crazy hobo!

Unprepared

In T-2 days, I will be sunning myself in South Beach, Miami, sipping on
something fruity and enjoying the sounds of the waves of the ocean
hitting the sand. Feeling the warm breeze, I will look up and enjoy the
bluest of blue skies decorated by fluffy white clouds, and I will
smile.

The only thing keeping me from my vision of happiness is:

1. A dirty house
2. I haven't packed
3. I haven't decided if I still want Charles to catsit
4. Money issues (like you didn't see that one coming)

I suppose I could clean up tonight since Gi is coming tomorrow night to
go to the airport together and there is nothing more embarassing than a
dirty house. I don't want her to look at me like...this is where u live
without the hint of jealousy that I so deserve and the act of packing is
less strenuous than the thought of what to pack and I could let bygones
be bygones with Afroman and let him catsit anyway and I could go without
something *whatever it is, since rent, phone, cable r due will hurt
regardless* and go to Miami.

We'll see.
Because I really really need blue skies and fluffy clouds right now. I
think I wouldn't even care if I had to beg on the streets of Miami to
make it happen.

When it rains, it pours

If yesterday was a blog title, it would be..Rain Debilitates City.

I awoke around 6am to roaring thunder and lightning that lit up the
entire house, and then after a dramatic climatic pausem it rained. Rain
turned into floods that took out the use of 6 major subway lines and
delayed the rest of the train system.

Saying no to working was not an option because we all know how broke I
am on an 80-hr paycheck...imagine te calamity of a 72hr one. So, I threw
on my favorite gray dress and stuck my keys in my bag, felt for my phone
(which I keep having to go back for) and set off to fsce the day. I
adjusted the boobage...and noticed...hey my hands are bronze. And then I
looked down and noticed, hey the front of my dress is brown. Shit!

Went back home, changed clothes and bags! And set out to brave the day.

The train ride was horrible. Sandwiched in with people as two ladies
decided to complain in my left ear, someone bookbag lodged in my back
and trying not to let my cute but clunky sandals step on the person's
toe in front of me.

After an hour and a half, cute and clunky sandals were killing my feet.
Not only was the train local, it jerked along, every 5 minutes, it
stopped because of congestion. Ugh!

Me, my sweat stains and hurt feet got to work an hour late, apologetic
to no one and really wishing I could afford to miss a day or two.

Being Hospitable

So..I was totally in like with Afroman up until Monday when I guess I
just woke up on the wrong side of the crypt. I forgot to bring his
shirts to work to bring to him and I just wanted to go home to my dirty
house, eat strawberry icecream and be by myself. But...I made a promise,
so I offered for him to come over and get his stuff. I was trying to
make light of the situation but the stick up my butt wouldn't let me. I
forgot that I was supposed to buy cat food on my way home and so when I
gt there, Gypsy was screaming her little head off looking for her bowl.
I asked Afroman if he would go and get food from the store. He said no.
I t took two more times before he said yes and then it took another 20
minutes of him just sitting there before I calmly snapped. Yes, people
calmly snap. So....I said, I want you to go home, in my sternest, I'm
pissed you wanker voice. He looked at me stunned and then complied after
I repeated my request. I've never asked him to leave ever. In fact I
always want him to stay...and then I ignored him for the rest of the
night and the next day.

It wasn't that the cat kept crying and sniffing for her bowl for those
20 minutes while I straightened up my dirty house and he sat readoing
something off of my sidekick. It was that I had a need and he didn't
meet it. That is one of the worst feelings when I feel like I always
meet his needs. When he's at my house (dirty or clean) (invited or
uninvited) he gets a meal, a drink, and sex. Am I not a good host or
what?

....

I wish I could make him love me the way I deserve to be loved. But love
and riches, I am not deserving of. I am forever stuck in the maze that
is dark, lonely and confusing...never to find the cheese.

I'm so tired of feeling like nothing.

Not Dating Dating

Oh lawd....here we go again...me n mr.afroman.
I spent the better part of the day with him walking around the city
accidentally walking through a street fair starting at 42nd st and
meandering its way down to 60th and back. All of this in wedges no
leass! {Ouchies}

I'm scared because I'm catching those warm and fuzzy feelings again. One
part of my brain is like..oh yea we remember this. This is nice. The
other part is like oh shit oh shit oh shit. Don't hurt the heart again.
Its fragile. For now....I'll stay in the middle....enjoying this while
it lasts. Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

I can't deal...

I have rage issues.
Where I feel the need to hit things. I gnash my teeth and go through all sorts of comflama. Why? It's a coping mechanism. I don't know.

Working in customer service, its so hard to grit your teeth and deal.


Peoeple are assholes, they never have enough time, or they have too much time and want to take baby steps.
Management sucks. They want you to do 5 jobs for 1 person's meager pay.

Some days...

I just can't deal.

So, I ball up my fists and i hit my desk, the cubicle when I really just want to hit the person. It's like a fiery passion in my belly and travels up and spreads from my shoulders to my hands.

Eureka!

I'm an idiot(no not because of the Afroman thing)I've been praying to the god of blogging for comments but when I looked at the blog for the first time in a while..ya know to change stuff around..there wasn't a link to make comments...DUH! I've fixed it because I am so freakin smart!

Comment away! (only comments that tell me how super sweet, funny, and smart I am)

Mole Hill into a Mountain

I have wittled my glorious paycheck down to a whopping $0.21. My account balance mocks me. I have a transfer of $20 pending. This is so I can actually get to work for the next week...but even that seems bleak.

No one has money around me and I am reduced to scraping up change to get by for right now.

I'm applying to every job I can.

I am so depressed (not helped by the fact that I have my period)

So, what does a girl like me do?
She hints to Afroman that she is sad. She hints to him as to what is the problem then resolves she doesn't want to go into detail, then she starts cracking jokes to alleviate the tension and dry those little tears, then...she loses it when he laughs at something that wasn't meant to be a joke and continues to keep laughing when she asks him to stop.


I am so done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done.


DONE.

I have gone down from feeling like shit..to the flies surrounding the shit after its sat there for a while.


I just don't know anymore.

Tick Tick Tock

I feel like I am a ticking time bomb ready to explode.
Constantly exhausted.
Overworked.
Underpaid.
Cable/Interenet less at home.

The posterchild for neighors in bathrobes saying I'm such a nice girl.

Because really, I am.

Such a nice girl that is.

Gye Nyame

Connexion! Maybe that's why I blog. Because when I read other people's
blogs...I feel connected to them because I too fall for the wrong
guy/get my heart broken/love black and white romance films. I also like
the anonymity. One of my readers stumbled onto my fb page. One is
Afroman. Maybe others know who I am/what I look like...but for the
others I am a green page. I like that. On the train, there stood a man
with a peculiar tattoo on his wrist. And when he held the pole, he had
another armband tattoo. At first glance, he looked like another black
professional fighting glass ceilings but then I stared at the wrist
tattoo and I have the same one. Gye nyame. God is supreme. It had me
thinking about what that means. About what I thought it meant. It was
supposed to give me hope and it confuses me because I question whether
or not there is a god or God. I remember raising my hand in protest when
my Jewish English teacher wrote god without a capital 'G'. I was
outraged OUTRAGED. And now my heart only mldly flutters...
Time and maturity are a trip.
But, I've gone away from the point. Looking at my tattoo on a stranger's
wrist makes me feel like we're in on something a lot of people don't
know. Ghanaians have a series of symbols that mean certain things that
they use on clothes and young people graffiti on walls? And maybe his
tattoo's meaning has morphed into something different. And maybe its
just always nice to know that you can look at someone and go. Me too.
By reading their blog.
Or looking iinto their eyes
Or by suspiciously staring at their wrist.
You can go...me too.

Me too.

::Huff::

God grant me the serenity not to kill
Small animals
Dumb tourists
People who sneeze, sigh, or release anything...air, liquid, solid from
their bodies w/o covering the mouths/orifices.

Because that really really annoys me.

I'm in a deep funk, brought on primarily by lack of cable and money and
the knowledge that both of these wil be the consistent norm for the next
8 days.

And...I seiously hate my job.
Going home to cuddle with Gypsy and make Chicken Alfredo.

Here's to hoping that my mood lifts by the end of my commute.

Or else Kelis and Gnarls Barkley will have to pull out the big guns....

Big Girls Don't Cry

..but they sure hold in their anger until they're ready to pummel anyone within pummeling range. arrgh!

more to come.