Dancing in the Dark

I think this man was singing that song to me. I wasn't trying to pay it any mind because his girl's back was turned and I frown on that.

But, the phrase had me thinking...who really dances in the dark?

Is that a euphemism? Perhaps for love. Perhaps...

For life?

We're all dancing in the dark looking for our partners, hoping to catch the rhythm, praying no one sees us fumble, and that eventually, we will be comfortable enough to be the same person...goofy grin in the light.

All we do is go dancing in the dark...
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Optimism Aside...

Sometimes, being black in Corporate America, no matter how hard I try, I feel like a round peg in a square hole.

Just an observation....

A New Woman

Firstly, I want so say thank you for all your support and positive energy. I'm always the beacon of light in friends' lives - the one who assures them it will be ok, the one who tells them it will work out, and who reminds them that they're fantastic...even when they might not be at that moment. I always wondered who will be my beacon when I need it?

Well, you guys.

Many thanks!

I got my hair done tonight. I left work early without telling my supervisor and ran around to find a place that would take me at 7:45pm. Luckily, no one refuses money anymore...I found someone.
I was trying to hold off until my bday to get my hair done...I wanted to hold on to my money. I figured...eff the money, when I saw myself in the mirror today at work. My hair was slicked back with the waves of needing a relaxer in the front of my head...the back was sticking up because its growing out and awkward. I had no make-up and I have small bags, carry-ons, under my eyes from not sleeping well. I have a make-up blog, yet I haven't worn make-up in a week...maybe more.

And I said....snap out of it, Nina. You look how you feel and you must feel like shit.

I feel like my old self again. Optimistic. Ready to face the world.

I kinda look like Monica from her Don't Take it Personal days....

Amazing what a haircut and really looking in the mirror will do.

*sigh*
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Omg!

You gotta watch this shit!

SMH

http://www.blackbottom.com/watch.php?v=uDvdMGxFpzw

blogger is effin up

Jae Spenc, Mr. Socialight..I'm trying to read your blogs..but since the background is black..I can't


Nina's sad...


carry on!

Trudging On

I've applied for 25 jobs since Monday. I've got 2 scam responses. 1 interview.

I'm siked! But not putting my hopes up...I just can't and get let down.

Last night, I thought I had the perfect shade of orange-yellow for my dining room...it looks like a school bus peed on my walls. Waste of $30.

Then, I thought I had a good quality meal for $9. Why, oh why, does Boston Market give you a plate with a flimsy plastic cover on it and call it a to-go meal? Noooo!!! By the time I got to the train, the cover was completely off, the corn and mac n cheese were mixed together in the bottom of the plate. And to make matters worse...as I was trying to fix it, I sat my drink on the seat on the train. The train jerked. The drink spilled, ruining a row of seating for about 10 people.

Perfect.

I really want to blog good shit. Like..I bought the perfect shade of paint. Looks great. Had a nicely balanced meal for $5. Amazing sex with a man who read me Kate Chopin after and baked cookies. Got a new job that pays me $50k a year for being me. Lovely. But, sadly all I have is my reality...
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Overextended

At moments, I feel so overwhelmed. I have 2 blogs, a home improvement project, a beauty class I'm giving (gratis for now), and I've joined an initiative to help kids do better in school.
Oh yea, I'm looking for another job, too.

Its a good thing I don't need or what a boyfriend right now. I just don't want to stretch myself anymore for anyone.

I feel like all these things are void fillers for what I don't have. Giving up one is like oh so hard...I'm in it, now.

Wish me luck!

Update on BFF: The bleeding stopped a while ago, but against my advice, she cancelled her GYN appt for yesterday and rescheduled for 2/23. She did speak to a nurse and the nurse said that abnormal bleeding is a side effect of taking EC. So....ummm, I still wanted her to keep her appointment but...I can't force the girl. We'll see what happens next month
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Validation

Sometimes someone does something that reinforces your opinion of them or a decision you made.

Aussie, after reading the email says,

"Don't send me message like this. Grow the fuck up"

Me? I should grow up? I laughed.

Riight.

And thus, the last post regarding him. Unless he does something remarkable, he will not enter my thoughts anymore.

Good Morning!
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The Little Things, Yes?

Today was the official demotion.

Great.

I packed all my shit, put it in a box and moved out of my nice mahogany desk that sat in the corner of the room that had a nice little gloomy window.

I am back to a cubicle, sitting next to people I trained..having little tarts ask me if I know certain things and I want to smack the shit out of her…I felt like people were clamoring for this to happen…they couldn’t wait to see me fall. They were so jealous and so envious and it’s like Christmas.

Que sera sera!

I miss the quiet of my old life..not having people walk behind me all freakin day. I’m not speaking to anyone..not in a tense way..but I’m just sick of having my ears burning. I’m sick of having people smile in my face when it’s not a smile they want to offer….BFF said that it is a minor setback. And I agree. It’s a little embarrassing.

Oh wellsies! At least I still have a job.

Dear John

Not the traditional 'Dear John' but..eh, I like it. At first, I thought it too harsh but I felt like I needed to get some stuff off my chest.

Aussie,

I have never been more angry at any man I've ever dated before as I am with you at this moment.

Men say they want a good girl. They want someone who is stable, preferably no kids, has some things going for herself.

But its bullshit.

You had that in me twice. You said u didn't want a girl to use you for money. You wanted someone that was going somewhere in life. You said you wanted to try again. You said you wouldn't punish me for what you ex did to you.

You said so many things and I believed you.

You are a liar. You've played so many games and its ridiculous.

I've never asked you for anything financial. I've never tried to work you for anything. All I've ever asked of you was to work on a relationship. I've never done anything to deserve how you've treated me. I don't know why you don't even have the decency to return a text or a phone call or even try and spend time with me.

All I can think is you have someone else. Someone who is more important than me or has been there longer. At this point, I don't even care about it as far as why or who or anything. I just hope you haven't given me anything.

I hope you're safer in the future. At this point, the only thing you have going for you is between your legs. If you fuck that up, you might as well kill yourself.

There is no need to respond. Any messages you send me will not be opened. It will be deleted right away. Don't call or text, there is nothing you can ever say to make me have any level of respect for you.

I don't wish any harm on you but I do hope that karma truly exists and you are treated over and over again in the same way you have treated me.

Fuck you.

I mean every word,

Nina.
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This is Love

I don't remember a time when I thought...yes, this is love. This is a relationship. This is the one. Sad.

I read Chris' blog thinking...oh, that's what it feels like?

In most relationships, I've felt as if I were doing all the heavy lifting.

My shoulders are heavy and I wasn't sure if men were capable of being sensitive, compassionate, warm, and as in love as a woman could be.

The men whose blogs I read always prove me wrong.

Yet, Aussie and I struggle and its because of me. I'm struggling. I'm giving and warm. I give too much. That seems to be a common problem with us women, it seems.

I'm usually calm. Nothing really ruffles my feathers. But, this does. He does. I've let him in undeserved.

And its no one else's fault but my own. And now, WE must work on our problems.

The problem is communication. He has in his mind that he shouldn't have to check in with me. He doesn't have to disclose anything about his whereabouts but I am supposed to tell him everything.

I'm a very busy person. I have 2 blogs, a demanding job (for now), an organization that I sit on the Executive Board, and somehow I fit in writing my first book of short stories in, as well as, very involved friendships. I'm there for my friends hands-on like I'm their lovers/therapists and such.

With all of that, I still have time for him and myself.

I text him constantly. I call him consistently. Yet, he has no time. No initiative to figure out when we'll hang.

This sounding like 3 months ago?

Yes.

Its only been a week. I don't want to throw in the towel.

So, now I'm calculating - what can I get from him?

Sex. That's all I would take. That's all he has going for him. Hmmm

I refuse to be sad or stressed. I can't do it to myself anymore.

I'll give it a month. I'll repeat myself and then I'll make it clear - once I leave him again, there is no coming back.
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Things that Make You Go Hmmm

On Monday, I went to Aussie's job. He hadn't called or text me all day. He said his phone was on the fritz.

I called him from my work blackberry since my personal one was broken.

I'd left his job 5 minutes when he called my work bb. Surprised, I answered.

Who is this?

Me.

Oh, my phone works off and on.

Hmm. A light bulb went off. BFF was calling on the other line.

I told her what just happened.

"That nigga lying.."

" Yea, I know. Let me see how far he takes it."

Yesterday...
I text him at 9am.
I called him at 2pm.

No response to either.

He called me at 8:30pm. I was going in the train station. I called him back at 9:15. No answer. 9:30. No answer.

No call back.

Today.
10:30am
Morning.
One word answers from me until he asks me if everything is fine.

No. Work drama...girls talking shit abt me.I'm soooo mad.

What are you gonna do abt it?

Nothing. What am I supposed to do?

LOL. Idk. I need a favor. Do you have a tv I can have or if you want I'll buy it from you.

I do have a tv. He wants to buy it for under $40. Not good. I tell him I'm not comfy with giving it to him or having him buy it from me. He wants me to go on craigslist for him. I do it begrudgingly.

Why didn't I speak to u yesterday? Did you get my calls or text?

I did but I couldn't hit u back at the moment.

Busy with?

Family business.

I text u at 9. I called at 2. All day u didn't have a free moment?

I need a new phone. My ringer doesn't work and it keep shutting off. I took it to the apple store they said water got into it and that's why it's acting up

That's not what u just said. U said u were busy. Were u busy or was ur phone broken?

I was busy and my phone was broken

Funny, your phone is working now that you're texting me.

I was busy and it was my phone. My ringer doesn't work

Ok...just sounds like we're floating back into old habits...

Forget it. It's nothing. I need a new phone so let's leave it at that

I'm over it. I said how I felt and I'm fine.

What I want to know why you have so enemies at work.

[I felt like he said that to hurt me]

Because I'm a bitch.

[Silence for 3 hours]

LOL. You not a bitch. Your just misunderstood

[Hmmmmm....]
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Psychosomatic Illness(emphasis on psycho)

After I wrote that last post, I called Aussie twice. He didn't pick up. I still felt the anger.

I started to feel sick to my stomach and now I feel dizzy. I feel like I should throw up but I can't. I feel zapped of all my energy.

There must be some truth to what they say - it takes more to be angry at someone than to let ish go.

I'm going to bed but best believe...I'm still holding shit against Aussie.
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Pissed

I have an uncontrollable rage pulsing through my veins right now. I want to hit something. I want to fuck shit up.

Its everything!

It started with petty work shit - bitches hating on me even in the wake of my demotion. Doing dumb shit trying to catch me out there. But, you can't. Why? Because I don't give a shit anymore and the worst person to try and fuck over is the person who has stopped trying. Fucking money-hungry motherfuckers, title-hungry crabs in a barrel.

Then, a friend who I helped out talked shit about a FAVOR I did her. Ungrateful. Lazy. Low-self esteem having heffa. She doesn't support me in shit unless is destructive.

Then, Aussie called me and it reminded me that he hadn't contacted me all day, even after I called and text(ed) him...

I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I'm sick of dealing with bullshit. Sick of toxic people. Sick of saying the same shit over and over.

As I'm writing this, I feel eyes on me. This chick keeps staring at me...everytime I look up...she's in my face. I really want to be like..let my eyes meet yours one more fuckin time! One more time! Try me!

Shit!
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Getting my footing...

"Hello, Ms. Xxxxx, your balance is $7,793.80. How are you able to pay this? Just so you know your loan is now in default."

My breath left my body. I thought of many things I could say to him.

"Oh, why yes...let me get my checkbook. Why not make it a full $8,000?"

I shook my head.

"Can I do a payment arrangement?"

"Yes, let's see. He crunched the numbers. We can put you on a rehabilitation plan. If you pay $85 a month, you'll be out of debt in 10 years. After 9 months of consecutive payments, we'll take this off of your credit report and lower your interest rate."

Damn.

"Sign me up..."

I'm just trying to reverse the damage of my youth. I've created similar payment arrangements with a credit card I had when I was 18 and let go to collections.

*shakes head*

10 years???


I wish I could give more but with my pay cut and all my other bills, this is what I can do for now.

*sigh*
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Titles n Such

In the course of conversation with a friend, she said something really interesting while were talking about Aussie. She said, "Well at least you guys have that label. I've never been labeled someone's girlfriend." Did I mention she's 27?
Whoa. Yea.

I told her, "Dude, I've had 'relationships' but I have no clue what I'm doing!"

She laughed but I was dead ass serious.

I'm just winging this, going off what I feel is right and I just realized it when we decided to make a conscious effort to work on the relationship. He was in a 6-year relationship before me but I suspect he's just as lost as I am.

Is that how it is? Is there some special formula everyone just knows about how to act in relationships? Because, besides not cheating on each other and communication, we're both just feeling it out.

If this short amount of time that we've been in 2009 has shown me nothing, it has shown me that titles - bf, gf, fiance, wife, hubby...that shit means nothing. People do what they want, ya dig?


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Different

I had 2 very good conversations today - heart to hearts about relationships. My head was spinning so much I couldn't even concentrate on completing a story I'm writing.

I called Aussie when I got home. We talked. Like, really really talked. We hadn't had a real conversation in a while.

We talked about us. We agree on why it didn't work out the first time. It didn't work because we didn't take the time to really get to know one another. The chemistry was crazy and we were so focused on lust and sex that we feigned getting to know one another by sending a million text messages a day and not having deep conversations.

We don't know each other. Not the way we should.

But we're trying.


And that is all the difference.

Hope, friends...hope.
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Yes, We Did!

There is nothing more than I can say right now that my goofy grin does not say. I am just overjoyed!!!!

Fuuuck!

Lost my damn phone last night. I don't even know how. The shit was in my hand when I got out of my friend's car. By the time I got in my apartment, I didn't have it. He says its not in his car. All I had on me was a clutch purse. Wtf?



I will only have this company-sponsored phone til Thursday, when my demotion is final.



I now have to spend $150+ on a new phone. And it has to be a blackberry of some sort.



I feel like mold.

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Pancakes Dribbled in Chocolate!

As promised, pics of Aussie making me a pancake...

[pictures removed]


And *drumroll please*


the pancake...it was really good, but I don't have a spatula so it kinda fell in on itself.






It was funny, I showed 2 of my gay friends the pics they said 2 things: 1. oh, he's a chocolate boy with muscles, and 2. is pancake a special word for something "else." I replied saying, "What do you think??"

lol

I might be a little late...

Happy Birthday to one of my favorite bloggers. Yes, I'm looking at you: Young Woman on a Journey!
And although you missed being a beautiful Aquarian by 3 days...I still heart you!


In the two years I've blogged, I've met some truly beautiful people from all walks of life. YW is one of them. She is smart, traveled, funny, and real. Her blog is thought-provoking and true to life, to the point where I feel like I'm reading my diary at times.

Here are some of my favorite posts:

Questions

I Wish You Knew Me


I Lack Patience

Let Me Tell Ya'll


Hope your day was happy, sweetie!

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I wish places and people came with warning labels.

Warning: May cause a Broken Heart.

Bff was dealing with this dude. Let's call him Punjabi. On Friday, she got a call from a woman who said she's been with him for 8 years. They're engaged. Her bottom fell out.

She's in this predicament sleeping with a man who told her he lived at home with his mom, brought her around his fam, he's met hers, they've been off and on for 2 years...to get ths phone call from a woman who detailed her relationship with him as well as BFF's.

Her cousin told her she should pray for God to heal her heart. She's sleeping with men to fill a void. She should use God to fill that void. I agreed. She's not in the position of thinking clearly and she's taken the "niggas ain't shit" approach. She literally said that to me.

Gi is on that bandwagon. Hard.


Aussie came over tonight. I made lasagna for the first time. I came out extremely cheesy and to someone who is lactose-intolerant (like myself), its somewhat off-putting...but he said it was good. I had a small bit. From what I tasted, I agree.

He made me pancakes...well, a pancake. I have pictures: (which will be taken off on Tuesday)

I think it is symbolic of our relationship - that maybe he's willing to do more for me.

As I was watching him, I realized his sexiness...his ease with himself, with me...I missed him all over again.

This whole thing started out of the blue and it was like a meteor - it shined bright and was beautiful but quickly faded into dust.

There's a problem coming up. Gi is heading the dudes aint shit parade. She's been through some shit and I don't blame her. She wants me to leave Aussie alone. She thinks he's a loser. She's so harsh when it comes to him. Today I thought he stood me up. I text her. She was like I told u so.

I was so pissed. Who the fuck says I told you so when a friend is sad or whatever...I let her know. She apologized. But, she still thinks I'm wasting my time. Its just like...when you spend time with someone to the point where they're comfy with all your dimpled parts and you feel like you can talk with them, its hard to walk away from that. With Aussie, its like...we started off so wrong. I still have hope in my heart.

I still believe... Lol

So, we'll see...we have a long way to go.

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Monet

I feel like my life is a Monet lately. Come to think of it, I believe most people's lives are like that as well.

From afar, it looks beautiful and serene and the when you look closely, its all brush strokes and chaos.

My apartment is a mess! Like, borderline unliveable. Every time I clean it, the next day, its back again and I don't know why. I think it represents where I am in life in general. I gotta get this under control. It doesn't help that everyday this week, I've come home after midnight. *shakes head*

Last night, I treated BFF to dinner. She protested, considering my current financial situation. But, I didn't really care. Money is money and because I haven't bought new make-up, gotten a pedicure, didn't get my hair done, and curtailed a lot of extra spending, I had an extra couple of dollars and so I spent it on a good friend.

She told me that she had sex with a guy she'd been dating for 2 years off and on. Unprotected. He came inside of her. She took Plan B Morning After Pill. Since then, roughly a month ago, she's had her period 3 times!!!!! I'm so scared for her. Heavy periods - and I'm like that sounds more like hemmoraging and go to the doctor STAT! Trouble is, she's still bleeding and she needs to wait until it stops to see the doctor. Her mom is a gyn/STD doctor but admitting what happened is a little too much for her. I told her if it doesn't stop by tomorrow, fuck it, tell her.

Hopefully, she's fine.


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Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

Aussie text me today out of the blue asking about my day. It was decent conversation until it turned sexual.

I made a joke that he was gonna start making babies (because he went to a baby shower this weekend- purely for the food.)

He said, I'm ready when you are.

And then it proceeded from there.

Ya'll know I was game. We're flirting and stuff. And I swear...the boy said..."I miss those lips all 4 of them," I started shaking.

Sorry Blair! You've been benched.

So, I was like, "Oh u miss me. Its ok to admit it."

"Yes, well..something like that. Don't go getting a big head..LOL I. know you miss me too"

"I miss certain parts of you."

"LOL I know that's true LOL I believe you"

"Will you be comfortable just having sex with me?"

"I didn't say that but we can talk about it. We adults so it can be whatever were comfortable with. What do you think?"

"Hmm..idk"

"Well I guess we can figure it out over time."

"U wanna get back together?"

"Yea but rather talk to you about that in person. I know we have things to clear up. Do you wanna get back together?"

"I don't know, I'm so confused."

"Well if we still feeling each other like that then why not but I don't want to confuse you. I rather you make up your mind with a clear head"

I kind of left it at that.

I told Gi. She said:
Are u fucking kidding? He is such a loser! Lol This must be the time of the yr the lames try to get back with us girl! (Her ex just tried to get back with her..I thought that was kinda harsh)

I said Idk, I'm confused. I know for sure I do want to sleep with him.

Lol oh lord! If u do do it with him please use condoms girl! U dont know who he's been fuckin with...

I don't think he was a loser. I think he was insecure. I also think he was lazy and immature. But he says he has some things to clear up. We'll see

I think that Jr overlooking things, girl he hurt u and it seemed like he was hiding stuff frm u, he didnt seem to even care that u wanted to brk up...i d k its up to u girl....

Hmmmm....ur right. Idk. I have some thinking to do

And I do...I feel so selfish right now. Me me me. I I I and that's not the best mindset to go into anything with.

[And she is right. He did hurt me and I can't even say that I've moved on. I haven't, not whole-heartedly. And yes, maybe part of me is holding on...I know you guys are tired of seeing it but idk. I don't know.]

I kinda stopped texting because I was in the middle of something.

I ended it with this question...

So..wait that means u don't want to sleep with me until I make my mind up?

We'll see...
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Addendum

We all know I would smashed it like an Idaho potato (thanks Mos Def)...

But then after, I wouldve been like..yo, wtf..ummm....yea.. Lol

I need rest.
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Insomniac's Theatre

I haven't been able to sleep lately. I'm stressed out, but hiding it well (thank you very much). Instead, I'm pouring my energy into projects.

It was 11:40pm. I was spent. It was such a long day. Yet, I sat in my bed blinking.

"Close your eyes lil Nina...lay still and act like you're sleeping. Then, you really will be before you know it." I remember my godmother's words from when I was a child.

Closed my eyes. Made my mind turn blank and I drifted drifted drifted as far as I could with cinder blocks for feet.

I wish I had a man to PUT me to bed, haha.

But, no..I seriously had to stop writing this and check the archives to see the last time I had some. November 23rd to be exact. But it might as well be Jan 1, 2008. Ok, maybe that was a little dramatic. But, I haven't been kissed, hugged, touched, licked, caressed, felt-up or anything since then. Shortly after, Aussie and I had a very dramatic break-up/fight.

Quite frankly, masturbation assuages the urge for a chemical release for a small window of time. What about the physical stuff?

My apartment is a mess and I didn't want to text Aussie come over because 1. I didn't feel like pushing all the crap into a closet/shave my legs/brush my hair/change my sheets in 20 minutes. 2. There's still that tiny thing in my brain thinking there's a 50/50 chance he may reject me. Reject Me? Yes.

And so, I planned on painting my closet as my Sunday or next weekend project. So I did that tonight instead. (Check other blog around Mon/Tues for that post)

It took me an hour and a half - with all the taping first and painting and washing of the brushes. I look at my phone.

1 missed call.
Blair. 12:18 am.

Shit.
I laid down panting and sweaty when I couldve been panting and sweaty from some other means...fuck! I couldve been fucking!

Come to think of it, he called me last week around this same time, no? Well, yes..but I didn't blog at it. But, it was exactly last Saturday at 2am. Funny.

Don't get me wrong, Blair is good. In my small number (still in single digits, woohoo!!), Blair is in the top 3, but 2 things.

1. He's no Aussie (who is #1)
2. He wants things aka my ladylumps on his time and schedule. I need a reciprocal relationship where I can call you up and you can be over in a flash. Its been close to a year, dude doesn't even know where I live (and we live on the same freakin block!!!) Ass.

The clock was at 1am when I checked my phone. It was on vibrate and I didn't hear it ring. If I HAD heard it, would I have gone???

Who knows....lol
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Sleep, the Knitter of all Wounds

Escapes me, even when I'm exhausted. What gives???

I had to move my other blog to wordpress and I'm kinda sad about it. I love blogger. Wordpress seems so serious. Bah!

Aussie hit me up on the dating site we met on. He kept viewing my profile and then he finally emailed me. Shortly after, I deleted it.

Then I felt bad because by shortly after, I mean the next day. It was just weird and I don't really take that site too seriously anyway.

So, I text him that I was fine and thanks for asking. Lol, like 3 weeks late. Oh well. He deleted my number and that's why he hit me up on POF. We texted back and forth some catch-up questions.

He called me. He wishes to hang out some time. Hmmm...I will say it was nice to hear from him. I don't want to be with him anymore. All I want from him is sex. Just gotta figure out where he's at and if he can handle it.

In the meantime, I'm just trying to catch some zzzz's.

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What Happens to a Dream Deferred?

I was walking down the street as determined as Beyonce in several of her videos to my own version of the WonderWoman theme and this thought popped up in my head -Afroman and I were supposed to be in L.A.living a blissful life together.

The thought came out of nowhere and stunned me.

I thought of pillow dreams we feed lovers, or as ladies, get fed and it amazes and sometimes amuses me to think what if?

I was proposed to twice. By the same manchild. We were high school sweethearts. He cheated on me and chose to be with the school slut who used him for his parents' money. But, who's really paying attention? The first proposal was because he "couldn't imagine life without me." The 2nd, because he needed a green card. Or maybe both for the same reason. And yes, like Young Woman (YW), men break my heart and then tell me how great I am. Hindsight is 20/20..he's an asshole. I wouldve been divorced by now. *shudders*

Afroman and I wouldve been in Long Beach, L.A., or Venice Beach eking out a living somehow, full of love for each other.

Another bf wanted to have dozens of children with me.

And Aussie wanted to move in.

Funny how things work out. In the moment of all these relationships, I truly believed we would have this life together.

I just hope that one day, one dream will become reality.
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Fall Out Chamber

My body is tired. My mind won't stop racing.

I have a headache. My eyes are watery, but I'm chasing the thoughts swirling in my head.

Thanks for the concern, Amanda and Young Woman. I'm fine. Scheming. Planning. Re-adjusting the budget.

My mom told me to go back to church. I laughed...

I think the tattoo I wanted to get on the 1st of January but didn't, is more of a necessity now. "Believe"
That's what I need to do. Believe in myself. I'm strong enough to handle this.

Amanda, my Twin told me to be positive, too. He was so worried I'd get depressed. Maybe there's something I'm missing. I dunno...I'm fine. Maybe after a few rejections..jobs not found, I'll be more pessimistic. For now, its 12:45am, and I need to sleep. My mind has one of its own. The other 92% of our brain we don't use, maybe...

Fin
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Grr!

"I've just been fired," my heart fell into the pit of my stomach.
"Shit,I'm next," he laughed.

My boss who make $100k and is best friends with the CE0 was handed his walking papers. The company is in serious financial trouble.

"Nina, Mash will see you now.."

I text my good friends - ohshitohshitohshit!!!

He told me I was being demoted. My pay is being cut by 35%. I would be reporting to someone I trained about a year ago.

Ohshit! But at least I have a job.

So now, I'm on my grind. I need to free-lance make-up and writing. I feel slapped, like my color has been drained from my face.

Never a dull moment.
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Grr!

"I've just been fired," my heart fell into the pit of my stomach.
"Shit,I'm next," he laughed.

My boss who make $100k and is best friends with the CE0 was handed his walking papers. The company is in serious financial trouble.

"Nina, Mash will see you now.."

I text my good friends - ohshitohshitohshit!!!

He told me I was being demoted. My pay is being cut by 35%. I would be reporting to someone I trained about a year ago.

Ohshit! But at least I have a job.

So now, I'm on my grind. I need to free-lance make-up and writing. I feel slapped, like my color has been drained from my face.

Never a dull moment.
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Liar Liar

I can't even bring myself to type the foolishness going on with RR. He's a fuckin idiot. And a liar. And I respect neither. Its funny, idiot used to be the term people used to call "mentally challenged" and I think that is what he is.

*sigh*

Ok...let me attempt to wrap my head around this.

I spoke to him last week. He was fine. Text messages were exchanged saying Happy New Year. Yadda yadda. He pops up saying he buried his mother on Saturday that just passed.

*errrp*

Yes. If someone was buried on Sat that means they died on Mon or Tues. So, Thursday wouldve been tough. And RR is not the strong silent type...believe me. He called me CRYING and devastated when he lost a job, losing a mother...

So..ok, someone told me that I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Ok..I called him.

What did this boy tell me she died of?

She was a drinker. She had kidney cancer. The doctors took out both of her kidneys. But the cancer spread to other organs...her medication wasn't working. But, it was a shock to everyone. This all happened suddenly.

What!!!
I didn't go to no fancy schools or anything, but I can kind of have a grasp of the human body. And...you can't live without BOTH of your kidneys. And..ummm..drinkers usually suffer from cirrosis of the liver or kidney failure.

*shakes head*

The way I feel, I just want to pack up the rest of his shit and send it to him C.O.D of course.

My brother is a path (as we call them - pathological liars). I don't understand. I never will. But, I do know they're dangerous and toxic.

Jesus, take the wheel!
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sometimes

i feel like i am drowning in the middle of the deep dark ocean.

and that's not just 20-something hyperbole talking.

i'm doing all these things to secure my future, but it's really fucking hard! i don't know what i am going to do. every time i turn my head, there's another hurdle and it is financial.

*sigh*

*just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming swimming swimming....."

Dream a Lil Dream of Me

Did I tell you guys about the frog dream?

I'm kinda too lazy to check...I think I did but not in detail.

I was back in high school but my school was a subway station that was 4 floors and classes were on trains. I was there with my junior high school bf. We were trying to find some corner of privacy to make out. We kept being stalked by Aussie. At the same time, these frogs kept jumping up...out of the water. Out of the air...all around. Frogs of all colors and sizes. I wanted to take one home but was afraid.

A few nights later, I had a dream that I was in high school dating Biggie. We lived together in a dorm. I was so comfy and warm spooning with him and yes, there was some sex scenes and yes, I was on top...lol. The principal was bugging the room. It seemed like it was one night in the dream. Like, a normal night in our life together. We talked and laughed and cuddled. At the end of the dream, we woke up to shower and go to class. The last thing I remember was telling him I love you...weird.


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I'm Focused, Mayun!

Jan 1. 9pmfound me typing away at my computer a plan - a list of all the things I want to accomplish.

And it's a laundry list:
Get published
Start freelancing
Get my license
Save money
Re-decorate
Start repairing my credit

I've budgeted for the next 2 months. I'm so excited! And happy that I'm setting myself up to be happier in the future. Yes, I will live off of $50 per week for the next 11 months, but I will save $2400 by the end of the year. AND will have cable (yay!)

And while I was trying to focus on that, dudes that I started talking to on mingle2.com (I deleted my POF profile) were texting me and calling.

Check this -
I text - hi. I'm working on a project. Just wanted to say hello. Can't talk but save my number
dude1 texts - hi. What did you like about myprofile?

Whoa. That was the moment I lost interest. But, I thought, "Hey. Give it the benefit of the doubt.."

He also texts - "which pic of me was ur fave?" - "how was the party last night did you get wasted?"

Weird shit.

He's a little pushy, too. I told him 2x that I wasn't engaging because I was focused on this other project. He went on to say some story he heard on the news. Then to say, "Do you want to call me back later bc I'm doing all the work"

Booo! He's a fuckin lame.

Dude#2 is so sweet and seems cool.

But, as I was texting dudes back and forth, I realized that maybe I shouldn't deal with dudes at all. Not right now. My mind is on my goals and I'm pretty sure factoring another person into this equation is not feasible.

So...now,I must devise a plan to let these dudes down gently. Aussie took so much energy out of me and it still was not enough. I can't imagine doing that again, right now. The texting, the phone calls, geez!

As I'm typing this..Blair calls.

I know what he wants and I know I'm probably the last girl on his list.

I let 10 mins go by.

Text: u called?
B: yes, call me

He picks up, sounding groggy.
"Hey, I was thinking about you. I want to see you."

"At a friend's house and its too cold to go over there."

"Oh. Well, Happy New Year. Hope I can see you soon."

Must be a frickin record!

I DO need to get laid. What's a girl to do?

I'm not going to call him. He's ok. Aussie's better.

I was lost. I'm not found yet, but I am walking into the light a little. I'm getting my footing again. My mindset is different. I'm self-centered. Not in the tunnel-vision sort of way. In the...me, first way. If it inconveniences me. Then, no.

I will only go the extra mile if you've proven to have done that for me in the past. If you're new and I present that, "hey, this is difficult for me" and you don't want to compromise...fuck you.

I'm so serious, now.
Life is no joke and its passing me by and if I'm going to make things happen for me, the time is now.

I'm just sick of folks using me. I'm sick of putting in 100% and getting back 45.

I'm sick of toxic people.

I'm done.

Thank you for respecting me enough to allow me get myself together mentally and emotionally. I appreciate the positive vibrations, prayers, and most of all, friendship.

Bubbly Nina is still here. Somewhere. Lol.
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